Brandon

For the past five nights, since I got home from the hospital, Callie and I have fallen asleep in each other's arms. I was pleasantly surprised the first night when she appeared after 1 a.m., crawled into my bed and cuddled up next to me. We didn't really talk- she put a finger to my lips and whispered that I needed to close my eyes and rest. And I complied without question or protest out of fear that she would leave if I didn't.

And for five nights, that's been our routine. She's in by one and out by six fifteen before anyone else wakes up. There's nothing sexual about it, I've snuck in a few little kisses but that's it, and yet, I know it's the most intimate either of us have ever been with anyone.

This morning, for the first time, I wake up before her. And as I open my eyes and become aware of her head lying on my chest and her warm body pressed into mine, I almost want to write Vico a thank you note for this busted hand. I've been waiting to wake up with her since at least the night of Mariana's birthday party and probably even before that.

She starts to stir and then slowly opens and closes her eyes, surprised to see me staring back at her. She's so not a morning person. "Five more minutes?", she yawns into my neck before snuggling closer to me. "Whatever you want, sleeping beauty," I whisper in her ear as I kiss her hair.

I spend those next five minutes (and five is really more like eleven with her) praying one or both the Moms will bust in. Because while that would be an awkward and all around bad scene, I kind of want them to find us. Because if they do then maybe this adoption won't happen. And maybe then we can have more mornings like this where no one needs to sneak out. That's what I want- about a million mornings of rolling on top of her and having morning sex before either one of us is fully awake and talking about our plans for the day and making her pancakes while she looks unintentionally sexy wearing one of my shirts.

And then all of the sudden she's awake and giving me this adorably sleepy smile and I feel horrible for ever wishing we'd get caught. Because what I want doesn't matter, all I want is whatever she wants. And I know what she wants is to be adopted.

She asks me what I dreamed about. I don't share my thoughts of a life of morning sex and pillow talk and pancakes. "Playing again, the way I used to." That's a safe answer. When I feel her cuddle even closer, I add, "With you accompanying on guitar, of course." The words aren't even out before my lips are crashing onto hers.

We break apart and she gets up to leave. And even though it kills me, I find myself saying, "I've loved our sleepovers. You have no idea how much. But maybe, now that I'm feeling a little better, it's time to go back to normal." And she says, much more quickly than I hoped, "You're right, we're pressing our luck- it's been five days without getting caught."

No, I think, you've missed the whole point. It's because the more nights I spend with you, the harder it's going to be to sleep without you next to me ever again. But I don't tell her that, instead I just kiss her forehead before she slips out the door.

That afternoon, I'm in the car with Mom on my way to my first physical therapy appointment. After a few minutes of small talk, I ask her about the status of Callie's adoption, which really has been the most dragged our process ever.

She looks at me, as if she's searching my face for something, before saying, "Well Robert only just signed the papers. And we've been focused on the surgery."

"Well the surgery's over. I'm starting therapy, there's no reason to hold it up further. Callie's been waiting forever."

And then Mom takes a sharp breath as she parks in the physical therapist's lot.

"Brandon, can we really go through with this adoption? You and Callie…."

"That's long over."

She looks at me. She knows, I realize. We've been so careful but somewhere, somehow we slipped up.

"The night before the surgery. I was going to check on you and your door was cracked and I saw the two of you. Holding each other, comforting each other. And if you're going to tell me that she was just being a good sister, just don't. B, you love Callie. What you said all those months ago, it was true then and it was true now. And I think she loves you. So how can we make the two of you legally siblings? You can't want that."

She's not even mad. She just gets it. I love Callie, I have from almost the beginning and I still do now. More now. It's out. There's no going back. I should be thrilled.

But instead, I see Callie sobbing in my mom's arms at my grandpa's funeral. And telling me that she loved me but that she needed a family. And how we were her family.

A wave of extreme protectiveness comes over me and I hear myself saying, "You are not cancelling this adoption. You will break her heart. Okay, it was her choice and she picked our family. She picked being adopted. She needs a family- our family. So what I want…I want what she wants. Ok I'll deal with it- we'll be brother and sister. I'll be fine."

Mom puts her hand over my good one, "B, we love Callie. Ok a piece of paper- it isn't going to change that. But that piece of paper will change things for the two of you. Forever. And Lena and I- we've talked, we don't see how we can go forward knowing there are strong feelings for both of you. It has nothing to do with how much we love Callie."

"Ok so you love her but you're going to send her away? Away from us? From JUDE? To Robert's? She doesn't even know him. Back into the system? Because that isn't happening."

"Brandon, I didn't say…."

I find myself getting angrier and angrier, not really at Mom but at this whole shitty situation. "She won't see it like that, okay? I know her. She will see you guys not going through with the adoption as someone rejecting her, not wanting her. Again. And she's had way too much of that. She will feel abandoned. Again. We can't do that. I'm not letting you do that."

I look at Mom and realize I'm starting to get through to her.

And then I look at the floor of the car, "We haven't had sex, okay. If that's- incest or whatever- is an issue, it's never happened. And it will never happen. Brother and sister, I get it." Saying this to my mother should be awkward but I'm too upset to even be uncomfortable. It's not even the sex thing- although the thought of never being with her kills me. But what really angers me is that anyone might think there's something dirty or wrong about the way I feel about Callie. Because that couldn't be further from the truth.

I look at Mom again, "What you saw the night before the surgery was a slip-up. I was scared to death. She was trying to help and she did. Before that, there was no sneaking around, we both understand this adoption and what it means for whatever feelings we have." I don't add that we've been sharing a bed for the past five days. I'm not sure how I could characterize that. "So there's no reason not to go forward on the adoption. It's what Callie wants. It's what you and Lena want. And Jude. And it's what I want."

I take a breath and my voice rises a little more than I mean for it to as I say, "And Mom I love you but if you tell Callie that she can't be part of our family, the thing she wants more than anything...and you tell her it's because of me, I swear I will never ever forgive you. Never. I mean it. So call whoever you need to call and just make this happen for her. Soon."

I go to my therapy session. Mom and I don't talk on the way home until we pull up in the driveway when she tells me, "I spoke to Lena during your session. We're going to go ahead and refile the adoption papers with Robert's waiver. But Brandon, what you said is true, this adoption will make you and Callie legal siblings. Permanently."

I kiss Mom's cheek, "I want Callie to be part of this family permanently." And I do.

I head inside while she goes to run another errand. I find Callie sleeping on the couch with her homework on top of her. I remove her book and carefully cover her with her favorite throw blanket, brushing the hair out of her face. She smiles in her sleep and I wonder if in her dream land, we get to have morning sex and pillow talk and pancakes every day.