Callie

There's something so liberating about waking up in his bed the morning after. As a foster kid, I felt like I had no control of my life. After everything with Liam, I felt like I didn't even have control of my body. But last night I made a choice- not because someone made it for me, not for Jude, not because I was forced. I was finally in control of my life and my body again and I made the choice to let myself be completely his. At least for the night.

I wiggle out from underneath his arm and look at him sleeping next to me. And I surprise myself when my eyes well with tears. After the rape, I saw sex as something horrific and scary, the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I felt violated and numb and I didn't think I would ever find a way out of the pain and the shame. But then one day I walked into Stef and Lena's kitchen and there he was looking at me with so much kindness in his eyes. And slowly but surely, he moved me past that shame and fear all the way to here...a place where sex is good and pure and safe and warm. I've never felt more safe in my life than when I was wrapped up in his arms as he made love to me. I've always rolled my eyes at that expression- "making love." It sounded like something cheesy from one of stupid foster mother's soaps. But I can't think of any better expression for what happened in his bed last night. He loved me. All of me. All night. And I loved him right back. Or at least I hope he felt it too.

He pulls me back toward him without even opening his eyes. And then he gives me the blissful Cheshire cat grin of a guy who just got laid three times last night. I want to straddle him and go for four. But we've cut it super close and everyone is either up or about to be.

"No regrets?" he whispers, still beaming. And I know he knows the answer. "Not one," I say before kissing him hard on the mouth. It doesn't even occur to me to worry that we haven't even brushed our teeth . And I mean it, I don't regret being with him. It's probably going to blow up our lives within the next 24 hours. But I can't bring myself to feel bad about something that was exactly what we've both wanted, both needed for so long.

I want to stay forever but I throw my pajamas back on, kiss him one more time and bolt carefully down the hall.

Generally when I slip back in to my room after being with Brandon, Mariana is still softly snoring. This morning she's looking right at me from her mirror as I walk in the door. I don't know what to say so I say nothing. She takes the lead and says, "You're going to get caught if you keep doing this. Okay, I know there's always been something between you guys. I see the way he looks at you. It's not like a sister. I know how he looks at me- his sister. It's way different. But is it really worth maybe not getting adopted just so you can keep hooking up with Brandon?"

"I..." I really have no idea what to say. That I don't know if it's worth it? Maybe? I thought I needed a family more than a boyfriend? But he's way more than just some teenage boyfriend. And I do need him...too. And not as my brother. So I say the only thing that I know is true. "I love him and...I love being part of this family...and I really don't know what to do."

"Wait you LOVE him?" Her whole demeanor changes. Mariana loves love. I know this from her collections of romance novels and pop ballads and her devotion to various teen soaps. I can almost see hearts and wedding bells forming in her eyes. I decide to take advantage of this and feel her out.

"Yes. I love Brandon. I'm in love with Brandon." It's the first time I've said that to...anyone besides Brandon himself. And I find that I like saying it, that finally telling someone feels like a huge weight off my shoulders. And then I ask, "Is that like weird or gross for you? Do you hate me?"

She thinks for a minute, "Well first, the thought of him having sex with anyone is gross. It will never not be gross. Even if like you guys get married. And yes it's weird. You live here, you're like my sister. You are my sister. And he's my brother. But I don't think it's ever been that way for you guys so I mean I get how...it could have happened. And I love you both so I obviously don't hate you." She sighs, "I want you both happy. And both of you haven't been. Not really. So I guess my answer is you guys should go for it? Oh but wait what if you break up?"

She thinks for another minute, "Well if you break up, I'll be on your side and Jesus can take his. That's fair." I want to throw my arms around her because of the sheer ridiculousness of her twin logic that is bringing some much needed lightness to this conversation. And then she hits me with, "So you need to tell Moms."

"I hate sneaking around. I hate feeling like I'm betraying their trust. But I don't want to get sent away. I love it here." And there it is. My big fear. I finally found a home. I'm not sure I can leave it. As much as I love him. On the flip side, I also can't be his sister. Not really. Not when I can't imagine never making love to him again.

"They won't. They love you."

"But they'll have to. They won't adopt me."

"Well...I don't know. But that doesn't mean we'd just send you away. I mean they couldn't do that to Jude. Have some faith, talk to them. The thing about secrets in this house is it's always so much worse when they explode. Trust me I know. And this one is pretty explosive. So just go to them. Tell them you love him, tell them it's real, tell them you tried but there's no fighting it. They of all people should understand. Things...will work out." She says this with the conviction of someone who has watched one too many ABC Family movies and believes in fairytales.

Have faith that things will work out? I'm the girl who has no faith in anything going my way. Because so much hasn't. Well until I got here. I didn't think I could trust anyone but Jude but I learned I could. I didn't think I could let anyone love me after what Liam did but then I found love with Brandon. Or love found us. I don't know. So maybe I should have some faith. Maybe it can all work out. Maybe everything.

I turn to give Mariana a hug when I see Jude in the doorway. His mouth is open and I can see the hurt in his eyes. And I know instantly that he's heard all of it.

I say his name with just the slightest hint of panic in my voice and he turns and walks out the door. I go to follow him to his room so we can talk but he's headed the other way to the kitchen where Stef and Lena are already having coffee.