It was not often that the inmates of Barracks 2 lined up for roll call in such a sullen mood. Schultz, making his way along the double row for the head count, met one surly face after another, and was completely demoralized by the time he reached the end.
"Colonel Hogan, what is the matter with them?" he asked.
Hogan sent a look along the line. "Nothing that I can see, Schultz," he replied. "Why do you ask?"
"Everyone seems so grouchy. Was it something I said?"
"Well, you were a little offhand when you called us out for assembly," said Hogan, after a moment's meditation. "You know, Schultz, they may not look it, but some of them are a bit sensitive. It doesn't hurt to be pleasant, you know, even first thing in the morning."
Schultz gave him a skeptical look. "Perhaps they would like me to bring them a cup of tea and the morning paper?"
"If it's not too much trouble. And maybe some crumpets."
With a dismissive grunt, Schultz turned away. Then he turned back, and leaned sideways to peer between Hogan and Newkirk. "Who is that?" he asked, suddenly uneasy.
"Who's who, Schultz?" asked Newkirk.
"That man there, standing next to Kinchloe."
Newkirk turned his head, his eyes narrowing as they fell on Staller. "Well, that depends. Who do you want him to be?"
"He's standing in Carter's place, but he is definitely not Carter." Schultz's voice began to ascend to an anxious whine as he gazed at the interloper.
"You know something, Schultz? I do believe you might be right," murmured Newkirk, after a few moments of careful scrutiny. "I wonder how that happened?"
"Never mind how it happened," said Hogan. "What's Klink going to say about it? That's the big question."
"You know, Schultz, you really should be more careful who you let in and out of the place," concluded Newkirk. "This isn't a hotel."
"Donnerwetter," muttered Schultz, closing his eyes.
"Don't look so worried, Schultzie," said LeBeau. "What's the worst that can happen?"
Hogan turned his attention to the steps of the Kommandantur. "I guess we'll find that out in about thirty seconds," he replied, watching Klink totter down the steps.
Schultz made a low whimpering sound. "Colonel Hogan, what shall I do?"
"Why ask me, Schultz? You're the one who can't keep track of who's supposed to be here."
"Please, Colonel Hogan!"
Klink had made it to the ground, and was already crossing the compound. But he wasn't moving very fast, and his bent posture and shuffling steps indicated a certain degree of discomfort.
Hogan turned his attention back to Schultz. "Okay, look at this way. How many men are supposed to be in this barracks?"
"Fourteen."
"And how many men are here?"
Schultz glanced along the double row again. "Er...fourteen."
"And that's all Klink needs to know, right?"
"Well..." Schultz began doubtfully.
"Repooooort!"
Schultz spun around, saluted sharply and responded. "Herr Kommandant, beg to report, all present and accounted for."
Klink returned the salute, very slowly and with a pained grimace. "Dismissed," he muttered, before shuffling round to begin the return journey across the compound.
"Poor Klink doesn't look very well, does he?" observed Hogan, watching the Kommandant's stoop-backed progress.
"He put his back out, driving to Hammelburg yesterday," replied Schultz, lowering his voice. "And such a terrible temper he is in...!"
A muffled sniggering came from those of the men who had not already headed back towards the barracks. Most of them, however, had already moved off. Kellet, in spite of his heavily exaggerated limp, was the first one back to the barracks. He stopped short, just inside the door. "Well, look who's awake," he remarked derisively.
Carter, in defiance of orders to stay in bed, had made it as far as the door of Hogan's office. He flushed at the scorn in Kellet's voice, but held his ground, although that might have been because he didn't dare let go of the door frame in case he fell over.
"You're blocking the door, Kellet," muttered the man behind him. Kellet gave a snort, and hobbled out of the way.
"So what's on your schedule today, Carter? he asked. "Gonna blow up the whole barracks?"
"Leave him alone," said one of the others. "It was an accident, right?"
Kellet shrugged that off. "Oh, Carter's real good at accidents," he growled. "Not much use for anything else. I'm starting to think I'd be safer in combat, instead of stuck here having to worry about Carter's accidents. Not to mention young Dorothy over there." He shot a contemptuous glance at Mills, who had edged past and gone to his own bunk.
Mills met the look squarely. "Already told you, pal. You're not my type."
"You know something, Kellet?" added Kinch. "Sometimes I can't imagine what it's like, having to live inside your head. Mills saved your life last night. How about a bit of gratitude? Or at least, give us all a break, and shut up for a day or so."
"Make that an order."
Kellet turned around. Hogan was in the doorway, leaning nonchalantly against the frame, arms folded, head slightly tilted, as if he were examining an unfamiliar species of insect. Kellet went darkly red, but didn't reply.
Hogan gave him ten seconds, then looked past him. "Carter, you're not supposed to be up."
"I know, Colonel," mumbled Carter. "I just thought...well, the lab's in a mess, I thought...Yes, sir, back to bed. I know."
"LeBeau," said Hogan, with a jerk of the head, and LeBeau hurried to Carter's assistance.
"Colonel Hogan." The interruption came from Schultz, who had come traipsing back from Klink's office. Hogan straightened and turned around, putting his hand on the door frame to block the entry, while LeBeau hustled Carter out of sight.
"What's up, Schultz?" asked Hogan.
"The Kommandant wants to see you in his office right away," replied Schultz.
"Okay, tell him I'll be over later."
Schultz was not to be so easily fobbed off. "No, please, Colonel Hogan, don't make him angrier than he already is. He does not want to be kept waiting."
"Well, I'm sorry, Schultz," replied Hogan, "but we've got a lot of cleaning up to do in here today, and I wanted to make an early start. What's Klink want to see me about, anyway?"
"He didn't tell me. And I thought it better not to ask."
Hogan considered the request again. It was unlikely Klink had noticed Staller's presence, but not impossible. Therefore it might be better to head off any problems before they started. "Okay, Schultz," he sighed. "But it better be important. Kinch, get going. Let's make this the cleanest hovel in the whole of Germany."
"We'll see to it, Colonel," replied Kinch. He closed the door behind Hogan, and turned. "Okay, this is a big job, so we need every able man. That includes you, Kellet," he added, with a sideways glance as Kellet began a protest. "At this stage we're not going to clear the tunnel. We're just doing whatever reinforcing is needed to prevent any further collapse. Nobody is to go into the lab, that's out of bounds until either Carter or Mills has inspected the damage. Adams, you get over to Barracks 5, tell them to do the same from their end. Clear? Right, get moving. Not you, Mills. You better sit this one out. Keep an eye on Carter."
He turned a speculative eye on Staller. It would have given him no end of satisfaction to set the major to digging, but he knew he didn't have the authority to go that far, and Staller didn't offer.
Kellet continued to grumble under his breath as he took off his jacket and tossed it onto his bunk.
"You know what they say about people who talk to themselves, Kellet," remarked Newkirk, regarding him with a faint smile.
"Round here it's the only way to get an intelligent conversation," Kellet snapped back.
"My, we are touchy." Newkirk put his hands in his pockets, and the smile broadened. He turned to Mills. "What d'you reckon has got up his nose the most - nearly getting buried, or you being the one to rescue him?"
"If it makes him feel better, I'm no happier about it than he is," replied Mills.
"Well, next time, Mills, do us all a favor," said Newkirk. "Leave the bugger down there."