Chapter Thirty-Three: What If

When Lionpaw ran so deep into the forest, he could run no longer, he found a small stream surrounded by thick trees. One of the huge, billowing trees was empty, like a small animal had lived in it as a den once. And Lionpaw took refuge in the dark hole.

He curled up, and, trembling, fell into a dark sleep. He saw gleaming eyes, and whispers of death. He tried to run away from an unseen devil, but found himself tied down. He let out a scream...

The scene changed abruptly. Lionpaw opened his eyes, and looked around in shock.

He was in a grassy land. It stretched on endlessly, seeming to touch the very sky many, many miles off. The sky itself was ink-black, but, strangely, there were no stars twinkling merrily down at him. The only object in the sky was a pale moon, looking rather sad and lonely tonight as she peered down at the world.

Lionpaw shakily stood up, and looked around. There were no trees, rocks, pools... it was simple, hilly land, full of swaying grass that danced to a wind he could not feel. Wondering where he was and who had summoned him here, he began walking, tasting the air for any kind of scent. It was oddly bare, tasting like nothing.

"Lionpaw."

Startled by the voice in an impossibly silent world, Lionpaw spun around slowly, and was in for yet another surprise. Pebbleheart was padding towards him.

"Pebbleheart?" he choked, then stopped. His voice had a funny sound to it. It echoed slightly, as if he were talking underwater, or was in a cave. This world had a slightly dreamy feel to it, and though it was nothing like the land of StarClan, he decided it was a different element of theirs. After all, the sky was never ending. Who knew how many lands it held?

"Good evening," she said quietly. Lionpaw stared at her. She looked nothing like the sick, skinny, and frightened lion he remembered before her death. Much more happy, and a great deal younger, her fur was soft and glowed slightly. Her step was light, and her head was held up, with two sparkling, beautiful eyes gazing at him. This was the breathtaking, brilliant, and loyal medicine-lion that Firerunner had fallen in love with, Lionpaw knew. This was Pebbleheart before she death of Firerunner, before she herself fell in love, now restored to her youth in death.

"Where are we?" Lionpaw asked her, again, in that strange, echoing voice.

"We are in a land rarely visited by breathing souls," Pebbleheart answered softly. As she spoke, gentle whispers came around them; none of them understandable, but all quiet and gentle, like the lost voices of long-dead warriors. Lionpaw took a step back, and stared, fascinated, at the ground. Where his paws moved, lights glowed under his paw prints in the thick grass. It was like they were holding onto his movements, his life, through the lights. He stared, mesmerized for a moment, before looking up as Pebbleheart spoke again.

"I watched the struggle at the camp," she went on, voice very sad. "You fought well, you know." Her praise was empty on Lionpaw, however, as he felt like a cold stone was lodged in his throat at the mention of the fight.

"I wish Snowstar had listened to me," he breathed.

Pebbleheart sighed. "Oh, I understand. How many wrongs do I wish I could make right?" She shook her head. "Snowstar feels he is losing his grip of being leader. You have to understand... he is not a flawless being. He makes mistakes, exactly like you and me."

"He's not supposed to make mistakes," Lionpaw argued, but felt a pang of shame. He shouldn't have shouted at Snowstar.

"Is anyone supposed to make mistakes?" Pebbleheart asked, then, without waiting for his answer, said softly, "I summoned you here, tonight, because you have to understand."

"Understand what?" he asked scathingly. "I understand perfectly. Longfang's going to win. It was sheer luck that Snowstar and the others arrived on time. Had they not, I'd be dead, as well as all the others."

"Longfang is not going to win," Pebbleheart told him firmly.

"Look at what happened to you," Lionpaw snarled, striding angrily now as Pebbleheart watched motionlessly. "Longfang won. Now, both you and Firerunner are dead. He got what he wanted."

He regretted his words almost instantly as Pebbleheart's eyes became cold at the mention of Firerunner. "You don't understand, Lionpaw. I chose to die."

Lionpaw stared at her, eyes burning. "What do you mean by that?"

Pebbleheart closed her eyes, and took a deep breath. When she opened her eyes, they were empty of the recent coldness. "I've always known Longfang would end me eventually. One cannot escape their fate. I simply accepted it; I went into the jungle on purpose. I met him on purpose. When he talked to me, yes, he offered me protection, and peace. Yet we both knew what the answer was." She gazed at Lionpaw. "I died standing for LightningClan. I died... in the same spot Firerunner was murdered."

Lionpaw's jaw dropped. "But... Coldstar, he said he found your body-"

"By the DarkClan boundary, yes. Longfang dragged my body there; it wasn't far. He wanted to make sure someone found me, so his plan could be set in motion."

Lionpaw gazed at her, and felt the anger that had been burning behind his heart this whole time slowly flicker. "There's going to be a war... isn't there?"

Pebbleheart gazed at Lionpaw, then dipped her graceful head once. "The future is stormy. Not everyone will survive," she added, gazing at something he could not see. Unnerved, he lashed his tail once, and sat down in the soft grass. It continued to wave and dance slowly, to the wind he could not feel.

"Do you hate him, Lionpaw?" Pebbleheart asked suddenly.

Lionpaw blinked. "Hate- who?"

"Longfang," she answered smoothly, expression unfathomable as she continued to watch something at a spot above his head, looking fascinated.

Taken aback by the question, Lionpaw swallowed hard. Did he hate Longfang? He thought of all the terrible things the lion had done. He had plotted, murdered, attacked, lied... the list went on and on. Good lions fell corrupt and dead, because of him. Love was strangled and destroyed because of him. He was a villain, the closest thing to evil Lionpaw had ever known.

And he should hate him. Who wouldn't? It was a natural, understandable thing to hate Longfang. So why did he hesitate when asked this question? The answer was yes. Wasn't it?

Pebbleheart finally looked at Lionpaw, watching his hesitation carefully. Her whiskers twitched, and she nodded. "That is what I thought." It was like she could read his mind.

Hastily, Lionpaw said, "No- I mean, I don't..."

She shook her head for silence, and he fell quiet. "You are a true Lion," she said, voice very quiet now, eyes shining with secrets and mystery. "You are the heart of everything Clan cats work toward, and are pure at heart. You do not hate Longfang."

Lionpaw thought for a long time before answering his dead medicine-lion. "In the jungle... when we fought... Longfang spoke to me. For a very- very brief moment, I saw the real Longfang. Not the killer, not the monster, but the lion hidden under all of it. He said that... things are harder now. Good and evil aren't so clear. I think-" He stopped, then went on. "I think Longfang is a great lion. He could have been the greatest lion to lead, better, even, than Snowstar. But things happen... and I understand that." He swallowed hard. "Am I wrong to not hate him?"

"No, Lionpaw." Pebbleheart's answer was strong. "Longfang was brilliant, but wounded, and he did what he thought best. He ruined himself in doing it, and has ruined his future. But hatred is another thing entirely. It only hurts yourself to contain just a venom like hatred. And if you are free of it... I respect you." She nodded.

Lionpaw realized something. "That's why you brought me here tonight. To... to understand."

"Yes, Lionpaw." Pebbleheart turned away to gaze at the moon. "I hated Longfang," she told him quietly. "My obsession with ending him became my sin. I hated that lion with every fiber in my being. At night, I dreamed of hurting him. I thought of how great it would feel if I caused him even more pain than what he caused me. And in thinking like this, I began to fall quickly into a hole that became madness. When you met me, Lionpaw, I was unwinding. And to my death, I was fallen. It was my hatred that destroyed me," she ended softly. "Had I been of clear mind... had I owned no guilt, and stayed alive for the love of my friends and Clan, I would not be here. You, Lionpaw, are more like me than I care to admit. You are a victim of Longfang... but you have to understand. You can't be consumed by hatred." Her eyes glittered, and Lionpaw listened, unable to answer. What could he say?

They stood in silence for a long time after that. They both gazed at the moon, thinking to themselves. Lionpaw felt a strange, new fire being lit in his heart. But it was not angry, or dark, or confused for the first time in moons. He felt clear. He understood now.

"I have to fight. For LightningClan. For the future. For Frostpaw." He finally spoke and looked across at Pebbleheart. "I refuse to let the darkness take me."
Pebbleheart said nothing, but looked quietly pleased, and her eyes gleamed as she gazed at her paws.

"What are we going to do without you, Pebbleheart?" he asked suddenly, feeling uncertain. The future was soon. The future was tomorrow. And he had to face it... but LightningClan was without a medicine-lion. How would they talk to StarClan?

"Amberpaw is old enough to become a true medicine-lion," Pebbleheart said softly. "She's very mature and wise for her age... I'm so proud of your sister. And I know she will become great without me."

Lionpaw shook his head. "No... I know that... but you, Pebbleheart. You are a good lion, and it will be hard without you."

Pebbleheart sighed and met his gaze. "You always were charming, and I wish I could believe your kind lies. But I am a simple excuse for what I could have been. I let down everyone. And... speaking of kindness," she added, as he opened his mouth to argue, "it was kind... yes, very kind... of you to forget to tell the Clan the very depth of my story with Firerunner and
Longfang." Her eyes sparkled shrewdly.

Lionpaw bit his lip. "I thought it best to... protect your memory, as well as Firerunner. You both were excellent warriors, and I think it is wrong that you're remembered for a single mistake."

"Many mistakes, Lionpaw, not single... but I cannot change what you decide. I do not deserve it, but if you wish it to remain so-"

"Yes, I do," he said fiercely. "But... I have a question."

"Yes?"

"Why... when Firerunner came to me, in my dreams... why did he try to persuade me that it's all a lie? He said you were confused... that you made it all up." His eyes gleamed uncertainly.
Pebbleheart gazed steadily at him, her eyes boring into his so deeply, Lionpaw was sure she could read his every thought. "What do you believe, Lionpaw?"

Lionpaw shook, but refused to break her gaze as he finally answered. "I believe you, Pebbleheart. But... I still wonder, why would he-?"

"Firerunner was a charming, handsome lion," Pebbleheart told him firmly. "But cold. He thought it was love he felt for me, but in the end, he was more in love with the idea of doing something exciting, dangerous. He was confused; and in his confusion, he blames me."

Lionpaw wasn't sure how to process that, but decided to think about that part of the story later. He shook himself, and bit his lip, staring at the darkening sky. Strangely, it was growing darker, as if when he had arrived, it was dusk, and now it was traveling into midnight.

"Has StarClan... forgiven you? Whatever happened... do they accept you?"

"StarClan sees everything, and they understand. They have welcomed me," Pebbleheart answered gently. "I'm touched that you care enough to ask."

Lionpaw shrugged, glaring at the sky. "You were so young..."

"As are you," Pebbleheart responded briskly, ears twitching as she looked around, expression creased a bit. It was like she was hearing things that- yet again- Lionpaw's ears were deaf to.
"It is not up to us when our story ends, Lionpaw. No one can control that."

"But only if..."

"Ah, yes, what if." Pebbleheart shook her head. "How many times have I asked the sky, what if? What if I had never fallen in love with Firerunner? What if Longfang had never wanted to be deputy? What if Blackscar had never taken Littlecloud as his mate?" She gazed at Lionpaw, expression saying a million things as Lionpaw tried to follow her logic.

"Yes. What if," he said quietly.

Pebbleheart was silent as she peered around again, and then spoke. "You must go home now, Lionpaw."

Lionpaw felt unhappiness surge in his heart. He understood now... he had a new purpose... and yet he didn't really want to go home. There were so many problems, and a war approaching. Why couldn't he stay here forever?

As if reading his mind, Pebbleheart told him gently, "If you stayed here, Lionpaw, then who would fight the war? They need your help. You have quite a destiny, Lionpaw... I believe that, if you follow your heart, you shall find your answers."

And with that, everything began to fade into black. The last thing Lionpaw saw was Pebbleheart's eyes shining in the darkness, and then he woke up.

He was back in the hole in the tree. He lay there for a moment as gravity and his problems rushed back and seemed to weigh him down, making him feel dragged down and heavy as he stood up and shook scraps of leaves from his fur.

"Lionpaw!" came faint voices.

He pricked his ears, and peered out of the hole. It was morning. Strangely, as the world he'd dreamed in had grown darker, the waking world had grown lighter. He sighed, and padded out into the thick jungle, looking around and tasting the air.

"Lionpaw! Can you hear us?" came another voice. He fondly recognized it as Brightpaw.

"I bet the whole of DarkClan can hear you, yeah," came the scornful voice of Rowanpaw. Lionpaw chuckled to himself.

"Oh, shut up," came Frostpaw's voice as she probably cuffed her brother over the head.

"Would you three stop fighting and start hunting? We have to find him." That was the unmistakeable voice of Buzzardflight.

"I wasn't fighting! It was them two!" Brightpaw exclaimed indignantly.

"And stop acting like you're in charge, Buzzardflight," came the cool voice of Cricketpaw. The troupe was clearly nearing his tree, probably on a search sent out by Snowstar. Lionpaw felt an uncomfortable drop in his stomach. First thing when he got back, he'd apologize to his father.

"Well, someone's clearly grumpy," Rowanpaw said brightly.

Clearly ignoring Rowanpaw, Buzzardflight's voice came, loud and clear now. Lionpaw pricked his ears, waiting for them to pass any second now as they stomped along, looking for him.
"Funnily enough, Cricketpaw, I am in charge, as I'm the only warrior on this searching party!"

"Just because you've got the fattest head here doesn't mean..." Cricketpaw started. Lionpaw knew she was still probably angry after Buzzardflight had went on the hunt for Longfang early last night and refused to stay with her, like she had wished. In the end, he should have listened to her. "Who's got a fat head?" Buzzardflight snapped.

"Well... your head is rather large, mate." Lionpaw said, and chose to make his entrance then as he pushed out of the bracken, seeing the five lions walking, looking around for him. They all stopped in shock to see him literally materialize out of nowhere.

"Lionpaw!" Frostpaw and Cricketpaw exclaimed in delight, racing over to him. Brightpaw looked immensely relieved as he padded over to tell Lionpaw how worried they'd been. Meanwhile, Rowanpaw and Buzzardflight held back, though they too looked slightly relieved.

"Why did you run away like that? The Clan was terrified," Frostpaw breathed into his ear.

"Snowstar felt awful, saying it was his fault you ran off..." Cricketpaw added.

"Give the man some room, would you?" Buzzardflight grumbled.

Cricketpaw shot him a filthy look and gave her brother a rasp on the cheek. "I'm glad you're safe," she sighed.

"Thanks," Lionpaw told her, then tried to smile around at them all, but it came out more as a grimace. As happy as they clearly were to see him, there was an uncomfortable, scared feel in the air. And he knew they were itching to get back to camp, where they were safe. Longfang was still at large.

"I'll explain everything when we get back," he told them quietly. "Come on... let's go home."

I apologize for the long wait! Days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months. But I'll try to update more often. The story continues on!