Chapter 31: Pet Names
(Later after breakfast, Wario, Waluigi, Daisy and Kirby were hanging out in the boys' room.)
Wario: Dude, did you see Luigi at breakfast?
Waluigi: Yeah. He didn't look very good.
Wario: Like he stayed awake at night or something...
Daisy: In case you didn't know, Luigi did try to stay awake last night to watch over Mario, but he had some weird dreams.
Kirby: Yeah. The poor guy...
Wario: Hey, Daisy. You're supposed to be Luigi's girlfriend, right? Why do you keep hanging around that...pink thing?
Daisy: Because Puff n' Stuff's so huggably cute!
(Daisy hugs Kirby.)
Waluigi: And you keep calling him stuff like Puffy Wuffy and Pink Marshmellow. I never heard you give Luigi a pet name.
Wario: Before Kirby came, you said that Luigi was "huggably cute." Are you dissing Luigi?
Waluigi: Oh man! I'm gonna tell Luigi that Daisy's two-timing him!
Daisy: Waluigi! No!
(In the living room, Luigi and Bowser were watching over Mario who was awake now. D.K. was watching TV.)
Luigi: I'm so fucking tired...
(D.K. looked at Luigi.)
D.K.: Dude, you look like Waluigi.
Luigi: I have a pink nose. Waluigi doesn't!
D.K.: No you don't.
Bowser: Waluigi has a pink nose.
Luigi: ...Yeah. Waluigi does, but I don't. And THAT'S the key differ-
(Suddenly, there was some yelling, then crashing, then Daisy and Waluigi fell down the stairs!)
Bowser: Well, speak of he devil!
(Daisy starts to choke Waluigi, Homer Simpson-style.)
Daisy: Why you little! How dare you call me a two-timing whore!
Luigi: ?
Mario: How...cough...disturbing...
Bowser: Whoa...
D.K.: Yeah! Whack that Stick Figure, Daisy!
(Daisy let go of Waluigi and started to hug Luigi.)
Daisy: (quickly) Oh, Luigi! You know I'd never dump you, right? I mean, you're my best friend in the whole wide world!
Luigi: Wha...?
(Daisy squeezes Luigi a little bit.)
Daisy: (quickly and high-pitched) You're the coolest pal ever! Why would I wanna two-time you, huh? Aw, c'mon, buddy!
Luigi: What's going on?
(Daisy squeezes even harder.)
Daisy: (she now sounds like a chipmunk on a sugar buzz) You believe me, don't you? Oh buddy? Oh pal? Huh? Waluigi's full of crap! You know that, right?
(By now, Daisy was squeezing Luigi so hard, he could barely breathe.)
Bowser: Hey, Daisy! Let go of Luigi before he passes out!
(Luigi somehow manages to pry Daisy away from him.)
Luigi: What in the world is going on here, Daisy?
Daisy: Waluigi was trying to tell everyone that I was two-timing you with Kirby.
Bowser: Crunch...
Daisy: Just because I gave Kirby a few pet names, it doesn't mean that I like him more than you.
(Daisy gives Luigi the "sad puppy eyes.")
Daisy: You believe me, don't you, Weegiepoo?
(Everyone but Luigi starts laughing.)
Luigi: WHAT?
Daisy: Hee hee...sorry! I've always wanted to say that!
Luigi: That's NOT funny!
D.K.: Yes it is! Ha ha!
Daisy: Weegiepoo!
(Everyone laughs again.)
Daisy: Sorry! It just sounds so cute!
Bowser: I agree.
Luigi: I think it sounds gross...
Mario: Cough...it sounds like the lady's in love with you...cough...so enjoy it while you can...
Luigi: Hmm... I never thought about that.
Mario: By the way...cough...
Luigi: What?
Mario: Cough...Weegiepoo!
(Everyone laughs once again.)
Luigi: Grrrrrr...
Daisy: Hee hee...you're so cute when you do that.
(Luigi mutters something to himself.)
Mario: Okay...cough...better stop making fun of Weegie...
Bowser: Yeah. We all know what happens when he gets mad enough. (to himself) He can be a real berserker...heh heh...
D.K.: Oookay. So what were we doing before we were so rudely interrupted with the "Weegiepoo" bit?
Luigi: Don't ask me. I'm trying to take care of Mario. Remember?
D.K.: I'm bored. I'm gonna watch TV in here if you don't mind.
Luigi: Go ahead. But don't watch Blue's Clues!
Daisy: Don't watch Blue's Clues? Why not?
Luigi: It's a little hard to explain...
(While Luigi was trying to tell Daisy why you shouldn't watch preschool TV shows about blue puppies that like to play games, Mario was starting to squirm around in the bed.)
Mario: Cough...Weegie. I have to pee...
(Luigi didn't hear Mario.)
Mario: Weegie...cough...I gotta...um...urinate...cough...
(Luigi still didn't notice.)
Mario: DAMMIT, WEEGIEPOO! I NEED TO TAKE A SHIT! Cough...hack...wheeze...
(Bowser, Daisy and D.K. laugh.)
Luigi: Mario that was totally unnecessary!
Mario: Cough...but I gotta go to the bathroom really bad...
Luigi: Why didn't you tell me sooner? Bowser, you know what to do.
Bowser: Roger.
(Bowser carefully lifted Mario out of bed and carried him up the stairs. On his way, Bowser stepped on Waluigi, who had been laying on the floor since Daisy choked him.)
Waluigi: Urk! Hey, man! Don't step on me! I passed out!
(Luigi sat down in a chair, folded his arms, and closed his eyes.)
D.K.: What are you up to, Luigi?
Luigi: Oh, plotting and scheming. Scheming and plotting. You know, the usual thing.
D.K.: Eh?
Luigi: Um...never mind...
(Bowser returned downstairs while carrying Mario. Since Waluigi was still on the floor, Bowser accidentally stepped on him again.)
Bowser: Pee-yoo!
Luigi: What's wrong?
Bowser: Dudes, if you value your life, don't go in the bathroom during the next hour. Seriously! Mario took one wicked dump in there!
Mario: Cough...I don't think Peach's scrambled eggs agreed with me...
Luigi: Ew. I'm not even gonna go there.
Toad: Holy fucking shit! What the hell is that stench? It smells like ass in here!
(Luigi, Daisy, Kirby and D.K. looked at the ceiling, then at Bowser, who was smiling a little bit.)
Luigi: Whoa...not good...
Daisy: Forgot to tell the other guys, eh Bowser?
Bowser: Um...yup!
D.K.: I'll take care of it this time.
(D.K. went upstairs, but...crunch! Waluigi got stepped on again!)
Waluigi: Yowch! Dammit! Quit stepping on me, ya heavyweights!
Mario: Hey, Daisy...cough... Maybe you oughta call me "Mariopoo" for awhile, huh?
Daisy: I think not. I happen to like Weegiepoo just fine.
(Daisy hugs Luigi. Bowser laughs a little bit.)
Luigi: D'oh! Don't call me that! I mean it! The next person that calls me that will get a beating from me!
Waluigi: Really? Ho ho! I'm gonna tell everyone about this!
(Luigi leers at Waluigi as the evil fellow stumbles upstairs.)
Bowser: Just let him go, Luigi. It's past lunchtime anyway. I think I'll go cook the fishsticks I saw in the freezer.
Luigi: Yeah. Thanks, Bowser. You sure are a big help...