Chapter 9 – You can't Run from This
Phew, this was a mission to write, I rewrote the end of this chapter about 10 times. I'm mostly happy with it now. Anywho, this the second last chapter of this story, last one will be up tomorrow. But don't worry, I'm already working on a new story. Thanks for reading :-)
The reindeer was lying in the snow outside, with Olaf sitting at his head.
Ace immediately went to his side, his hands running over the reindeer's healing wounds.
Kristoff hovered anxiously. "We were just finishing our walk. He stopped, then collapsed and won't get up again."
"Here's the problem," Ace's palm was flat against Sven's hind leg. "This wound is infected. Something is stopping it from healing."
"You're the best vet, how could this happen?" Kristoff asked.
"My assistants addressed this particular wound. I did the two in his side, because they were in vital organs. This one was purely muscular, but damn it, I should have checked it myself." Ace swore under his breath, angry at himself. "We need to get him into the stables. I'll have to lance the wound and look inside. Where are the arrows from the attack?"
"In-inside," Anna stuttered, her arms wrapped around herself. It was freezing outside, and she had been dressed for a warm, indoor dinner. But Kristoff had looked so distraught that she had run outside without a coat. "Why?"
"I think the tip might have broken off one of them. That would explain the infection. Fetch them; we need to see how big the piece is."
The wind was increasing, and Olaf was struggling to stay in one piece. He kept his arms firmly around Sven's neck, determined not to let go.
"Olaf, you need to come inside with me," Anna shouted over the wind.
"But Sven's my friend!"
"I need you to help me. We'll come right back to him."
Olaf let go reluctantly, nearly blowing into Anna's legs. "If you say so. We better hurry, then!"
"Yup," Anna grabbed a hold of one of Olaf's arms, and started dragging him back towards the castle.
"Can you lift him from that side?" Ace asked, already working his arms under Sven's belly.
Kristoff nodded. "Yes."
They got into position, and heaved Sven to his feet. Ace staggered under the weight of the reindeer. "Okay, slowly now, let's get him into the stables."
Kristoff squinted through the snow, taking small steps, and trying not to drop his friend. They managed, slowly, to carry him inside, where Ace almost collapsed.
"Whoa," he said once Sven was lying in the warm straw. "That's a sturdy reindeer. He clearly works hard." He stripped off his coat. "Have you ever operated before?"
"Are you joking? I can't operate." Kristoff blinked. "I cut ice, not flesh."
"Well, my assistants aren't here tonight. I need you to help me."
"To do what?" Kristoff asked nervously.
"You can monitor him. Watch his pulse and respiration. I'll do all the cutting and draining."
"What do you need?" Anna and Olaf were in the stable doorway. Anna handed Ace an arrow. "This one's broken."
Ace studied the tip. "It's a very small piece missing. It's going to be hard to find. We need more light, and hot water. Olaf, can you fetch my bag?"
"Sure," the snowman said agreeably, and went to another part of the stable to retrieve it.
"I'm sorry about your brother," Anna said, shifting uncomfortably back and forth in the doorway.
Ace was pushing Sven into position, firmly on his side with the injured hind leg extended. "Perhaps now is not the time to discuss it."
"Here!" Olaf reappeared, dragging Ace's bag.
"Thanks," the vet smiled, and immediately began taking out supplies.
"Can I help?" Olaf asked.
"Of course. Are you going to faint at the sight of blood?"
"Nope," Olaf said assuredly.
"Then you can assist me. Princess, can you fetch the water? And another lantern?"
"Yup," Anna nodded shortly, then ran from the stable.
"What was that about your brother?" Kristoff asked, as Ace found Sven's pulse under his jaw, and guided Kristoff's fingers to it.
"Trust me, this is not the time to discuss it. I have a chance to save a life here; I'd rather focus on that."
When Anna returned, Ace knocked Sven out with chloroform, and told Kristoff to watch his breathing and heart rate, and to let him know if they dropped beyond a certain point. Then he shaved off the fur around the wounded leg, with his tools laid on a towel on the straw. Olaf passed him whatever he needed, and even held a small bowl while Ace drained the wound into it.
Anna nearly threw up, but Olaf handled it. The princess had to sit down rather suddenly, with Kristoff between her and Sven, so she couldn't see what was going on. Then Ace excavated the wound, looking for the tiny piece of arrowhead, while Olaf dutifully searched through the gunk in the bowl in case it had come out.
Finally, Ace muttered, "Got it." He drew his fingers out of Sven's leg, with the tiny piece of metal pinched between his fingers. He handed it to Olaf, who held onto it with something akin to awe. Then he cleaned the wound again, and stitched it up.
"He's moving," Kristoff warned.
"Yeah," Ace wrapped his instruments in their towel and tossed it out of the stable. "Olaf, better get out fast."
"Why?"
"He's going to kick like hell when he comes round." Ace quickly moved everything out into the aisle. "Kristoff, I recommend exiting this stable."
Anna jumped out of the way and Sven began to shift, a low moan escaping the animal. Kristoff climbed to his feet much more slowly, but when Sven kicked out and hit the wooden wall with a powerful leg, he beat a hasty retreat.
The reindeer thrashed around, kicking and rolling, for a few minutes before quieting, and lifting his head. He saw Kristoff, and brayed a greeting.
"Hey, buddy," Kristoff went into the stable again. "Feeling better?"
"He's probably going to have a fever for the next couple of days," Ace warned. "If you can get him up and outside every day, the cold will help. And I apologise for the shoddy work of my assistants. I'll be having a word with them. Thank you for your help."
Olaf held up the metal fragment. "What should I do with this?"
Ace grinned. "Keep it. It can be your memento from your first operation."
Olaf looked ecstatic. "Really? Awesome!"
"That's the first time I've ever had a snowman assist me," Ace admitted. "It was different. Now, I've got get all my equipment sterilised. Princess Anna, shouldn't you be with your sister?"
"She's not going to talk to me right now."
"None of my patients ever talk to me," Ace pointed out. "But they need me there nonetheless."
Anna couldn't argue with that logic. "I guess. Okay, fine, I'm going." She battled her way through the snow back into the castle, and was stopped at the foot of the stairs by Kai.
"What happened to dinner?" he asked. "No one showed up, and it's been more than an hour."
"Oh, long story," Anna said breezily, already started to jog up the stairs, "Sven collapsed and Elsa killed the vet's brother."
Kai blinked. And mulled over that declaration for a moment. Anna was already out of sight by the time he gathered the ability to speak again. "I don't understand teenagers."
Anna knocked gently on Elsa's door. She wasn't expecting an answer, so the tense silence did not discourage her. She tried to open the door, finding it almost stuck fast with ice. Anna rammed into it with a bit more force, and it scraped open.
The room was completely frozen. There were even snowflakes suspended in the air, swaying gently with some unseen source of wind. Anna stepped carefully, because the floor was slick and icy and she didn't want to slip and land on her backside.
"Elsa?" Anna's shuffling finally brought her to the window, under which Elsa was sitting in a miserable ball, surrounded by pointed icicles. It made it very hard to get close to her. "I know you can hear me."
Elsa's answer was a muffled sob, and the icicles around her extended a few centimetres.
Anna had to settle for sitting a few feet away to prevent being skewered. "Sven's going to be fine. Oh, right, you didn't know. We've all been in the stables fixing his leg."
Elsa still didn't look up.
"There was a bit of arrow still in there. Olaf helped. He likes Ace. Everyone does. Please say something."
Elsa let out a long, shuddering breath. "I . . . killed his brother."
"Yeah. I know. I wish I could say something to make you feel better."
"I didn't think of all the other people I had hurt. It wasn't just two people. It was two people who died. But the people left behind suffer just as much."
Anna remained quiet.
"I know what it's like to lose part of your family."
"We both do." Anna said softly.
"I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but I caused it. It's because of me that Ace has to go through what we went through."
"It was an accident."
"It doesn't matter!" Elsa said hoarsely. "Our parents' dying was an accident but it didn't make it any easier!"
"Do you think he blames you?"
"Why wouldn't he? It was my fault."
"Elsa, you don't always need someone to blame. I don't hate the ocean, and neither do you. Sometimes bad things happen. Even though you weren't in control of yourself at the time, you were still doing what you thought was best. You were trying to save me. You weren't just running around and spearing people. This wasn't murder, it was an accident. Ace understands that."
"But I don't think I do," Elsa whimpered. "I feel terrible Anna."
"That's because you're human. It's normal to feel this way. You feel responsible."
"Because it's my fault," Elsa reasoned.
"No," Anna sounded exasperated. "Because you always think everything is your fault. Listen to me, you don't know how to deal with guilt. Probably because every time you've felt it you've reacted in the wrong way."
Elsa frowned, clearly not following.
"When you froze my head, when we were kids, instead of dealing with it, our parents locked you away. And you felt guilty but didn't know what to do about it. Then you froze Arendelle, and when I told you about that you just, well, froze me again, but that wasn't your fault," Anna added hastily. "It was just you not knowing how to handle your emotions. That's all this is. The only thing you're doing wrong is beating yourself up over every mistake you made. You need to learn to let it go."
"How?"
"I have no idea," Anna admitted. "I don't think this is the sort of thing you can fix overnight."
Elsa groaned, wondering how long this feeling was going to last. She'd rather sit through a yearlong blizzard than feel this way, this felt worse than the storm inside. Her stomach felt like lead, and a nauseating feeling sat at the back of her throat. She felt completely hollow, and wished the storm would come back.
It might have hurt, but having nothing inside hurt more.
Elsa spent most of the night mulling over Anna's words. She knew she wasn't going to sleep, so there didn't seem to be any point in pretending to. She paced around her room, freezing and unfreezing things and generally being fidgety.
Anna had eventually retired to her own room, after asking Elsa about ten times if she wanted to get supper. Elsa had declined, and Anna had left her sitting in her room surrounded by ice.
It was past midnight now. Elsa had come to the conclusion that everything bad in her life related to her powers. There were a few good points to it: like Olaf, and her early memories with Anna. But the bad far, far outweighed the good.
The solution, Elsa was realising, was to get rid of her powers.
This was not the first time she'd batted this idea around. It had never gone any further than an idle thought, because Elsa didn't know how to proceed. The idea she was toying with now was that her powers might run out one day. Perhaps there was only so much magic in her, and she could use it all up.
That decision sounded like the best option at the moment. Elsa felt a slight sense of relief at having decided to do something, even if she wasn't sure it would work. She left the castle, and went down to the stables to get a horse.
Kristoff was asleep against Sven's back when he heard the stable door slide open, and sat up groggily. He wondered if that was Anna, coming to check on them. It was still pitch black outside, so it was most likely to be Ace.
He leant against Sven again, figuring that whoever it was could check on them without needing him to be awake. He was exhausted, anyway, and going back to sleep sounded very tempting. Kristoff vaguely heard a horse being saddled, and the clopping of its hooves as it left.
A small part of his brain wondered who would be saddling up at this time of night, but a much larger part said 'it won't be urgent, go back to sleep'. So he did.
Anna woke rather abruptly the next morning by rolling over and finding no more bed underneath her. She thumped onto the floor in a tangle of blankets, then struggled to free herself and sit up.
She looked outside. The sky was still grey and cloudy, but the wind had ceased, and it wasn't snowing.
Anna dressed hurriedly, wanting to check on Sven first, and then Elsa. She had decided on Elsa last, because she assumed after their talk last night Elsa would be exhausted, and Anna didn't want to wake her.
After dressing warmly, she ran down to the stables to find Kristoff and Sven both awake and apparently chatting.
"Good morning," Kristoff beamed at her. "He's doing so much better than last night. He does have a fever, like Ace said, so after breakfast we're going outside. Do you want to come?"
"Yes," Anna smiled. "But I've got to talk to Elsa first. Are you having breakfast inside the castle or do you want me to bring you something?"
"I think I can come inside," Kristoff shrugged. "It's been a while since I actually sat down to a meal. I'll meet you at the kitchen in a few minutes." He straightened up, patting the straw off his clothes. "Just gotta clean up a bit first."
"Cool, I'll wake Elsa and see you soon." Anna patted Sven's neck. "Bye Sven."
The reindeer snuffled, looking much happier than he had last night.
Anna went back upstairs, and knocked loudly on Elsa's door. "Elsa? Are you awake?"
There was no answer.
Anna knocked a bit louder. "Elsa! It's me, it's time to wake up. Can I come in?"
Anna waited patiently, but there was still silence from the other side of the door. Slightly concerned, Anna opened the door and peered inside. The room looked the same as last night, covered in ice, with one major difference. Elsa was not in it.
Anna went downstairs with a frown. She found Kai in the dining room. "Have you seen Elsa?"
"As far as I know, she's still in bed," Kai replied.
"No, she's not."
"Then, I don't know where she is."
"Okay." Anna went to the kitchen next, where Kristoff was already waiting. "Elsa's not in her room."
"She could be her study," he suggested, busy dishing up breakfast from the buffet that was still being prepared.
"If you're talking about Queen Elsa," Gerda came into the kitchen, "She's not, because I was just in her study."
"Where else would she be?" Anna asked no one in particular.
"I'll keep looking for her while you eat," Gerda offered.
Anna nodded. "Thanks. That'd be great."
It was not long after breakfast that Anna concluded that Elsa was not in the castle. And when they went back to Sven, Anna noticed that a horse was missing too.
"That's the horse Elsa usually rides," Anna realised.
Kristoff shrugged. "Maybe she went for a ride."
"Elsa? Really?" Anna gave him a look. "Stay-indoors-and-read-a-book-Elsa suddenly going on a thrilling solo horseback expedition?"
"Why else would she go?"
Anna didn't have an answer for that. "I have no idea. But I'm going to follow her. Coming?"
"What, and leave Sven?" Kristoff looked flabbergasted. "I can't do that."
"Would you rather I go by myself?"
"No. You always get into trouble. At least take Olaf."
The snowman heard his name and came running from Sven's stall. "Take me where?"
"To find Elsa," Kristoff explained. "We have no idea where she is."
"Oh, okay. Sounds like fun." Olaf beamed. "When do we leave?"
Elsa was sitting rather precariously on the newly repaired balcony of her Ice Palace in the North Mountain. She had her back against the wall, and one foot resting on the railing, the other leg hanging down and swinging gently.
She was watching the sun rise, and absently spewing out little flurries of ice and snow.
After riding all the way here in the dark, with a few harrowing moments where her horse stumbled, Elsa had fixed up the castle, and spent most of the night nonsensically using her powers. She had made more snow fall on the mountains. She had made other sculptures, and just sent forth huge bursts of snow off the balcony into the chasm below her.
Now the sun was starting to reach her and light up the palace. Elsa was feeling sleepy, since she hadn't slept the night before, but she kept twirling her hand and watching snow form out of nowhere. She was determined to keep using her powers until they stopped.
It did occur to her that this was an incredibly unsafe place to be when she was only half awake, and if she fell asleep there was a fifty per cent chance she would fall and plummet into a snow-filled chasm. But when one is sleepy and frustrated and weighed down with guilt one doesn't really think of these things.
So Elsa stayed where she was, automatically making snow and snowflakes. She didn't know how much time had passed, but she noticed that the sun was becoming uncomfortably hot, and she should move.
"Elsa!"
Elsa blinked, wondering if she had really heard Anna call her name or not. It seemed highly unlikely. But then again, why would her mind be making up something like that? Elsa looked down, and saw, at the bottom of the icy staircase leading up the palace, her sister sitting on a horse, with Olaf perched behind her.
She didn't say anything in reply, because she wasn't as good at shouting as Anna was, and her voice wouldn't have reached all the way down there.
"What on earth are you doing up there?" Anna hollered.
Elsa wondered if her sister intended to have the entire, one-sided conversation in very loud screaming, or if she was going to come inside and talk like a normal person. Anna's next yell answered Elsa's thoughts.
"I'm coming up, stay there!"
Elsa sighed, letting the hand that was swirling around fall to her side. She felt limp and dull. And instead of climbing down to greet Anna, she stayed put, staring at the sky and feeling as though she never wanted to move again.
Finally, she heard Anna's footsteps ringing hollowly on the ice floor, and then Anna appeared at her side.
For a moment, neither of them spoke. Then Anna cleared her throat. "So . . . this doesn't seem like a very safe place for a nap."
Elsa let her eyes fall closed. Now that Anna was here, she was perfectly safe.
"Why did you come here? Surely there's enough room at home for you to mope?"
When Elsa still didn't answer, Anna laid a gloved hand gently on her shoulder.
"Elsa? Are you alright?"
"No."
"What's wrong?"
"What's wrong? I'm wrong. Everything about me is wrong. Because of these stupid powers." Elsa clenched one hand in a fist, and shards of ice flew from her hand, falling harmlessly of the balcony. "I want them gone."
"Wait, what?" Anna couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Are you joking? You can't get rid of them. They're a part of you."
"I don't want them. I never wanted them."
"That's not something you have a choice in."
"We don't know that for sure."
"Is that why you're up here? To try to find a way to get rid of your powers?"
Elsa nodded.
"How? You don't even know if that can be done."
Elsa's lip trembled. "I have to try."
"But why? Elsa, you don't have to change yourself. You're perfect the way you are. Everything that's going on right now, that's just stuff and it'll get better. You have me now; you're not alone in any of this. Please, come home. We can work through this together."
Elsa brought both hands up to her face, and covered her eyes. "No, I can't. I can't do this anymore; I can't do any of this!"
"What do you mean?"
"I can't be Queen, Anna, I've had enough. I can't handle it any more. This is not who I'm meant to be. I keep screwing it up. I'm not good enough, not for you, not for Arendelle, not for anyone!" Elsa's voice finally broke, and Anna saw her shoulders heave, and her next few words were shrouded in tears. "I can't go home . . ."
Anna was not expecting this. She had expected Elsa to be a little morbid, fretting over what she had done to Ace. But then she would get over it, and square her shoulders and come home because she was Elsa, and she was the strongest person Anna knew.
Only now, it seemed like Anna was wrong.
"But where would we go?" she asked softly, all her bubbly exterior crumbling in the face of her older sister's break down.
"You'd stay in Arendelle. I would go. I don't know where, anywhere else would be better."
"You'd leave me?"
"I'm trying to protect you," Elsa pointed out, holding back more sobs. "You've seen what I can do; I'm too dangerous to be around you. And Arendelle can't have a ruler who can't even control herself."
"So you'd run away . . . from me?"
"Not from you, Anna, for you."
"No!" Anna suddenly shouted.
Elsa started at her sister's outburst, and turned her head to face her, eyes wide.
"No! You can't run away!" Anna could feel tears welling in her eyes. "I won't let you! I just got you back and I can't let you leave me again. Don't I matter? I want you here; I want to be your sister. And if you run away I'm coming with you. Don't throw me aside, again, please, I can't take it!"
Elsa stayed quiet, utterly baffled.
"You're the world to me, and I don't know what I'd do without you! Don't leave me, I need you." Anna couldn't hold the tears back anymore, and she felt them spill onto her cheeks, chilling and cold. "Please don't shut me out again. Please. I can't live without you again."
Elsa felt the back of her throat burning, she swallowed hard, because she had to make Anna see sense, and bursting into tears wouldn't help her case. She had to leave, because if she stayed she would hurt Anna, and Arendelle, and everything-
"Nothing in the world is worse than losing you," Anna continued, wiping at her face roughly. "And if you leave I'll follow and I'll never stop looking for you. So get it together and stop being so selfish!"
"Wh . . .?"
"You're only thinking of yourself! What about everyone you'll leave behind? You'll break my heart if you go. Arendelle needs you. Olaf needs you. Do you think Olaf will be okay if you just leave? He loves you, and he needs you. And if you go, I go." Anna took a deep breath, running out of things to rant about.
Elsa was still staring at her, and now Anna could see her blue eyes shining with unshed tears and her shoulders heaving as she struggled to keep silent.
"This is who you are," Anna snapped, torn between anger and despair. "You have ice powers, Elsa, deal with it! You are the Queen of Arendelle and you can't change that! And you're my sister, so you better get it together and act like it! Because if you think I'm just going to let you walk away without doing everything I can to stop you, you're an idiot."
Elsa finally drew her leg over the rail of the balcony, and stepped onto the ice. She stood up, clenching both hands into fists. Anna's lower jaw was jutting out stubbornly in an attempt to stifle any further wailing, but there were still tears running down her cheeks.
Elsa sniffed, once, then threw her arms around Anna and buried her face into her sister's neck. Anna immediately returned the embrace, tightly, not willing to let go in case Elsa tried to slip away.
But Elsa didn't, she stayed how she was for ages, sobbing into Anna's neck, until eventually the weight of the world was too much and she felt herself sag. Anna lowered them both to the icy floor.
"Don't leave me," she whispered, "Elsa, please. I need you here. With me."
"And I need you at my side," Elsa murmured. "I'm sorry, Anna, I didn't think about you. I just wanted to escape from myself. But I can't run away from who I am. I can't escape the storm."
"It'll get better," Anna promised. "We'll fix this together. Just, please, please don't ever leave me."
"I won't."
Eventually, Elsa sighed, her cold breath making Anna shudder slightly.
"Oh, Anna, what would I do without you?"
"Probably jump off that balcony."
Elsa managed a teary giggle. "I hope not. Because you'd probably follow me."
"And so would Kristoff and Olaf and Sven," Anna grinned. "Now, will you come home? Where you belong?"
Elsa sat up, finally facing Anna again. "As long as I'm with you, that's where I belong. Wherever you lead, I will follow."
"Then I'll lead you home," Anna said. "And we can face this storm together."
Excuse me, I just need to go and hug my sister now . . .
SpicedGold