17.
Cuddy sat alone in her darkened office absentmindedly drumming her fingers on the desk. She'd drawn the blinds and closed the curtains so that the room's only illumination came from a solitary desk lamp and the meager light spilling through her glass office doors from the hospital's main lobby.
She was hiding. But whether she was hiding from anyone she knew or from herself, she could hardly tell.
What did her mother want her to do?
Cuddy buried her face in her hands. Her whole life, she'd asked herself this singular question. Whether in reality or within the echoes of her own mind, it had always been her mother's voice acting as her harshest critic, continually pushing Lisa far beyond the boundaries of what was safe or familiar. Arlene Cuddy would forever be the force behind her eldest daughter's compulsion to go beyond her limits, to excel.
For Cuddy, the consequence that arose from this lifelong, maternal pressure was a heightened sense of insecurity whenever she tried to make decisions on her own. She wanted . . . no, needed her mother to weigh in on nearly every subject either literally or in her own imagination. Cuddy perpetually shackled her opinions in conjunction with her mother's viewpoint and seldom, if ever, separated the two.
This inner dependency on her mother's approval was part and parcel of what made her an excellent administrator, a savvy player within the political environment of PPTH, successfully bargaining with donors, insurance companies and unions. But in the final analysis, when push came to shove Lisa tended to defer to the opinions of others particularly her mother. Neither could she by any means stand up to her mother or Arlene's overbearing opinions in real life.
That was until the night House stood by her.
Cuddy remembered the few short months before when her mother had been admitted as a patient to PPTH. Overstepping the boundaries both as House's lover and employer, Lisa had insisted that he diagnose and treat her mother. It had been House, true to form and in the eleventh hour who championed Lisa and gave her the support and courage she needed, goading her into finally facing up to Arlene.
Her mother had decided to leave the hospital against medical advice, at night during a tremendous thunderstorm. But the storm outside was nothing compared to the tempest that raged within Cuddy's shadowed office. Or the whirlwind that beat within their hearts as House and Cuddy faced off with one another.
In the end, House confronted Cuddy with the harsh truth; that he would forever be blamed should something happen to Arlene and then that false accusation would grow like a vine, not only destroying their relationship but crippling Lisa's future happiness as well.
It was this incontrovertible reality that made Lisa concede that she was still, in many ways doing what she thought her mother wanted rather than what she knew in her heart to be right.
"Get me back my patient," House had said, his blue eyes blazing as if lit from within by his passion and resolve.
In that moment of clarity in which time itself seemed to slow down, Cuddy found she was unable to ignore his straightforward directive. House forced her to the realization that standing up to her mother was the only way to save Arlene's life and by association her own as well.
Cuddy ran outside and ordered her mother to return to House's care and cure.
But in the aftermath, Cuddy's new awareness regarding relations with her mother forced the pendulum to swing too far in the opposite direction. Instead of avoiding conflict with her mother, Lisa persistently sought it out. She became gung ho about arguing and rebelling against her mother's advice on ALL topics, even or perhaps especially when, her mother was right.
Like now.
After all that had happened, within the last year, within the last five weeks, within the last 48 hours, Cuddy began to see that what her mother wanted and what was truly right for her and her life were not necessarily at odds. Not at least when it came to House.
But now when she needed her mother most, to guide her, to tell her exactly what she was supposed to do, it was only now that her mother had taken a step back and told her she had to choose for herself the path that she would henceforth follow.
Cuddy raised her face from her hands, hot angry tears spilling down her cheeks. She was infuriated with her mother. Arlene had deserted her now that her daughter needed her most.
For it had been her mother after all who shined a light into the darkest recesses of her heart and shown her what truly resided there.
Or in actuality, who truly resided there.
House.
No one within her frame of reference had ever measured up, had ever been so aggravating, so forceful, so exciting, so breathtaking, so gorgeous, so brilliant and so exasperating all wrapped up in one tall, stunning-eyed pain-in-the-ass package; a man who could make her heart skip by the merest glance or gesture, the sound of his voice setting her knees to knocking. The smell of his skin caused her mind to race with the most x-rated thoughts; what she wanted to do to him and what she wanted him to do to her.
Greg House had always made her feel like a teenager with her first serious crush. But her feelings for him were so much more than that. When she was separated from him, it felt like the walls were caving in and there was no breath in her lungs. He was so complicated and so . . .
The drumming on the desk stopped as Cuddy clenched her hands into fists.
Damned tempestuous, uncontrollable House . . . who'd shown up on her wedding day to throw a monkey wrench into the entire event and then had the unmitigated gall to take the high road.
After he'd kissed her, reminding her of all that she'd lost and was about to lose forever, the self-righteous bastard walked away from her. But not for himself, House had left her for her sake and for the sake of her own happiness.
And then he'd insisted on riding that stupid motorcycle when he was in no condition to ride. Because of his own stubborn pride, he'd gotten himself into a cataclysmic accident and had to be brought into her hospital to be placed under her care and her responsibility. House had put up a terrific fight against all of them, the doctors and surgical staff, even her, in his effort to rush headlong toward death.
It had always been this way with him. House was so volatile, his actions and his life filled with such incredible highs and devastating lows. He railed against injustice, fought at every turn to prove he was right, plowed through rules and public opinion as if those things didn't even exist and he had crossed the line between sanity and insanity more than once in his never-ending struggle to balance his genius, his prescription drug abuse and his need to solve the puzzle in his high octane search for the truth.
But as crazed and boisterous and maddening as House was most of the time, Cuddy knew the other side of him as well. He was tender and loving and caring and vulnerable and needy, although he would rather walk across hot coals than admit any of that.
Even to the woman he loved.
For Gregory House had proven time and again that he loved her, still loved her, would deep in his heart, always love her. House had stumbled in their relationship, in his dealings with her and her daughter Rachel. But he had never fallen, never wavered in his love, his passion, his honesty to her, for her.
Unable to play false with her, afraid of failure and her subsequent rejection, House had even tried to warn her off. He'd told her at the very beginning of their relationship that he was, "the most screwed up person in the world."
Cuddy let loose one short, bitter, tear-sodden laugh. With a horrible sense of irony, it suddenly occurred to her that his statement could never be true. For the only person more screwed up than the most screwed up person in the world was the woman who loved him.
Thinking of House, Cuddy realized that she was not only angry with her mother, she was furious too with him. And what made her angriest most of all was the realization that she was mad with House because she loved him.
Yes, she loved him, knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was still in love with him. Her mother had been absolutely right on that score.
But she also feared him.
With a heavy sigh born of an aching shame, Cuddy admitted to her deepest sense of self that although she did indeed love House she had been, throughout the entirety of their relationship, afraid of him as well; the power he had over her, the way he held sway over her happiness.
While she loved House more than her very life, Lisa Cuddy had never been that dependent on another human being. No never, not even when she was a child.
And it terrified her.
That was why, from the outset, she had selfishly tried to control him, to take the lead in their relationship. Still cruising on the high from her ability to dominate and bully Lucas Douglas, she had tried many of the same techniques, the same restraints and manipulations on Gregory House.
Even after she'd promised House that she loved him for who he was, she went back on her word to him and done everything in her power to threaten and cajole him, to force him into changing who he was for her and her daughter, for how she thought he should present himself for consumption by the outside world.
Cuddy saw now all the times she had allowed her fears to get the better of her, the times she'd so often misjudged, misunderstood and forsaken him.
She considered now that at every turn, House had sacrificed himself, his own better judgment, even staying clean for her and their relationship. House had thrown it all away, his nearly two years of Vicodin abstinence.
He had taken the drug only so that he could temporarily stop the screaming in his head, in his heart and in his leg, stop it just long enough to be there for her, to hold her hand and take his rightful place by her side when she was afraid.
How afraid had House been? Her own fears and misapprehensions had made her miss the signs. She'd misinterpreted his actions, underestimated his heart.
Cuddy suddenly felt all the truth of this, in her own heart, her body, her mind, her soul. She began to shake and cry in earnest as the weight of her realizations buckled her under and down. She saw the recognition of House's heart in all his looks, all his lashing out, all his quiet moments and lastly, in his final, selfless act of letting her go.
And now she saw too with surprising lucidity that it had always been this way. House had continually sacrificed himself for her sake and for the sake of their relationship. House could be nothing but honest and truthful in his dealings with her. He could not but follow his heart.
Whereas all the while, Cuddy had ignored the truth that beat within her own.
She had never seen it before. Perhaps she had purposely blinded herself to the fact that her fears made her deny her own heart. Cuddy HAD been strong, as a professional, as House's doctor.
All that her mother had said about her had been true.
She had been strong with House but never for him, never truly on his behalf. Whenever it came to her heart, she had been weak. She never, ever had the strength as a woman, not with the only man she ever loved, not with House.
When House had been himself, she punished him. When he had questioned her motivations, she gave him the cold shoulder. When he had shown her his fears and reservations, she turned a blind eye to him.
And at the first inkling of rough seas in their relationship, she had weighed anchor, cut the cables and run. No matter how she tried to rationalize her behavior, her actions and reactions toward him, she knew she had come up short.
For when House had opened his heart to her, when he needed her the most, she had abandoned him.
And now, House was in dire need once more. And once more, she was abandoning him.
Her tears fell thick and rapid, obscuring her vision, showing no signs of abating. For in the end, more than her mother and even House, the person Cuddy was most angry with was herself.
And only now on the verge of losing him forever did Cuddy see the errors in judgment and action that had gotten them both to this point.
What a selfish fool she'd been. Was she forever doomed to see the truth only after it was too late?
Cuddy had no idea.
The only thing Lisa Cuddy knew for sure, the only truth she could still cling to was that she did not just want Gregory House. She loved him, needed him. She could not deny that over the course of the last 48 hours, the affirmation that her heart could simply not withstand the permanent loss of House from her life had been greatly underscored.
But she also knew that all she felt for House was simply not enough.
Cuddy just could not be sure of herself. What if House lost his leg or was confined to a wheelchair? Could she be strong enough for him, for the both of them if those circumstances were to occur?
Would their mutual love for one another ever be enough? Could she ever show the strength that House had shown? Could she let him go for his happiness, for his own good? Or did she need him too much? Would she selfishly deny everything and everyone else to do what was right only for her? What was the right decision for both of them?
Above the sounds of her amplified sobbing, Cuddy heard the outer doors to her office open and close. She snatched a tissue from the box on her desk and dabbed at her eyes, trying to compose herself.
She knew who had entered long before her vision cleared. She had expected him. In a way, she had been waiting for him.
But the time alone hadn't given her any answers. She didn't know any better now what she was going to do or what she would or could say to him than when she'd first sat down at her desk.
Cuddy didn't know how she would defend herself to Wilson or even if she should. For the fact that she had, once again turned away from the love of her life and had ignored her own heart was, in the end, an indefensible position.