Thank you to everyone who is still with me after this ridiculously long pause in my updates. I'm not really sure why, but I have had a million gos at this chapter and it never turned out right. So what I'm doing now is just give up and give you my latest draft instead of making you wait for something that may never come.
Chapter 6: Compassion and Composure
Snape grew a lot stronger within the next day and even stronger after that.
Sirius meanwhile tried to leave him alone as much as possible, doing his best to time check-ups during Snape's sleep so they would have to spend as little time as possible together, not only because, as he told himself, he wanted to give Snape space in order to avoid an explosion, but just as much because of the way he sometimes almost physically reacted to Snape's icy stares. Sirius was not sure how much of it he was imagining, but the room seemed darker even than during his last stay at Grimmauld Place, and gloom and cold seemed to be emanating from it as soon as he opened the door. Snape made no effort to hide his contempt, glaring or frowning at Sirius whenever he entered the room. He did, however, remain silent except for sarcastic retorts in response to any questions or remarks from Sirius.
When Harry visited Sirius a few days after their dinner at the Weasleys, he found him in a dark mood, pacing up and down the living room.
After greeting Sirius carefully, Harry asked: "So… How are things going?" He was fidgeting with his sleeve as he spoke, obviously aware of the tension in the house.
"Why, marvellously, as expected." Sirius growled, but shot Harry a wink when the boy looked at him nervously.
"Don't worry, Harry. It'll be over soon. Snape is getting better every minute."
"But still- he won't be able to leave anyway! People still think he is a murderer." Harry said, sounding more anxious yet.
"I know that. But I'm calling in favours from lots of important people and I hope to get his story reviewed very soon."
In truth, Sirius wasn't nearly as unconcerned as he made Harry believe. He was more than familiar with the ministry's and the press's priorities, and knew full well that righting wrongs wasn't exactly on top of the list.
On top of that, he still didn't have any idea how to break it to Snape that this time around, he was going to be the outlaw who needed to stay hidden in the house until his name was cleared. He had a feeling that this was going to be an enormously difficult conversation. Harry, however, was relieved. "So- will you come to dinner tonight?", he asked hopefully.
"Sorry, Harry. I don't think I will. I'm not really in the mood. I think I'll just go to bed early. I haven't slept through the night a single time since you brought Snape here. But tell Molly thanks for offering."
After his chat with Harry, Sirius immediately felt bad for letting on how much it was bothering him. But he didn't have the energy to pretend. Snape had sucked all of his energy out of him, he thought angrily, and grudgingly made his way up to the guest bedroom on the first floor, dreading to go inside. He had already stopped checking on the bandages, and now considered calling on Kreacher for the potions-administration, but discarded the thought instantly, angry at himself. Probably for the first time in his life, he could rightfully accuse himself of cowardice for avoiding to spend time in his gloomy patient's company, and that fact alone vexed him greatly. Although it probably wouldn't have to go on for much longer with Snape regaining strength every day, the potion still needed administering every four hours. In the middle of all those musings, Sirius realized, he was still lingering on the doorstep, fist raised to knock but still reluctant to do so. This is getting ridiculous, Sirius thought and sharply rapped his knuckles against the door. No answer. He knocked again, louder. Still no answer. His heart began to race, he threw the door open and hurried into the room. In an instant, he was at Snape's bedside- and took a deep, calming breath. Snape was asleep. Sirius shook his head, annoyed and confused. He set the goblet down on the nightstand, cast a waking spell over Snape and pensively left the room. He had felt genuinely worried for Snape for a second there. They'd have my head if I let him die now, he told himself, naturally I am worried. And he breathed out audibly, relieved that Snape had been asleep, allowing them to avoid confrontation once more.
The next evening though, having helped himself to a fair few swigs of Firewhisky after a particularly cold silence during the potion administration, Sirius squared his shoulders, knocked and entered the guest bedroom with a tray of food, instead of sending Kreacher as he usually would.
Snape was reading the book that had saved his life, but closed it when he saw Sirius standing in the door.
"Snape, I'd like a word." Sirius said, making sure to keep his voice even.
"I'm listening." Snape replied, coolly, but equally contained.
Sirius put the tray down on the nightstand and sat down in the armchair he had come to appreciate these past days. "Look, I know I'm not exactly somebody you wish to talk to about… well anything, really. But it's sort of how it is at the moment, so we'll just have to cope." He paused to give Snape the chance to say something, and continued, when he didn't.
"So, when I came home a few days ago, I take it you were about to leave?"
Snape gave him a calculating look, then nodded, once.
"I figured as much, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to tell you: Leaving here, as long as you're anything less than back to full strength is, mildly put, suicide."
Snape stared at him in silence.
Sirius looked away, but continued talking. "I don't just mean the physical strain of apparition, I'm guessing you know all about that. What I'm talking about is the fact that your name hasn't been cleared yet. People still think of you as Voldemort's right hand and the murderer of Dumbledore. If you should run into any wizard at all, they might very well try to kill you, and I'm not sure you're up to fighting everybody you might meet."
Snape still didn't respond, but continued to stare at Sirius deadpan.
"Anyway. I suggest you remain here until you're fully recovered, and maybe even until the public has learned about your part in the events. I realize that this arrangement is somewhat suboptimal-"
Snape gave a snort, but Sirius chose to ignore him and kept talking in a dignified voice:
"-yet I think, in the light of everything that has happened, we should be able to put our personal antipathies aside for now. I'm prepared to arrange for anything you need if you decide to stay, and will otherwise try to keep out of your hair as much as possible. If you do not wish to stay here, we will have to think of something. Your home, I'm sorry to say, had the distinct air of people trying to break the anti-intruder charms. I stopped by there to take a look at your books. I guess people realised that no body of yours was ever found. Hogwarts is vastly destroyed and Mrs Pomfrey is dead anyway, so I'm afraid it's not an option for you to stay there. One possibility would be for you to stay with the Weasleys. Molly is a trained nurse, and you remember, she dealt with an Irisea-victim before. I'd stop by to help prepare the potions if needed, and you wouldn't have to be around me at all. However, all the stray kids of Hogwarts are staying at the Burrow presently, so you might have a hard time getting the rest you need. Then there's always the possibility to transfer you to Saint Mungo's, but with the kind of overtime people are working there already, they might just send you to Azkaban anyway, and besides, I don't know whether you are in any fit state for an encounter with the ministry on their terms. If you'd like me to contact anybody else that you might trust with your life, let me know. However, the Malfoys-" he had to fight very hard to keep the hatred in his voice at minimum at this particular name, but managed to compose himself instantly. "hrm, the Malfoys have left England and quite possibly Europe. Apart from that, the Fidelius Charm sounds like a very good idea to me, so you probably should think of someone to use as secret keeper. I'll leave you alone to consider your options now."
Sirius made to get up. Since Snape had not made any attempt to speak so far, Sirius had thought he was being treated to another round of the silent treatment, but he was wrong.
"Where did you get the ingredients to the Antidote?", Snape asked in a hollow voice.
Sirius hesitated for a second, then sat back down. "I broke into your house and found your secret stack of ingredients. You forgot to put up the Anti-Detection spell. I did that before I left. Then I broke into Slughorn's mansion. Ron and Hermione raided through the potion supply cabinets at Hogwarts. The rest we bought in Diagon Alley and Knockturn Alley."
"There is no way you'd have found Eternal Fire or Liquid Stone in either of those places. Where did you get that?" Snape asked, with a hint of acuteness in his voice.
Sirius hesitated again. "Harry wouldn't want me to tell you."
"Be serious for once, Black, this is no matter. I need to know where one can get access to those things; they are very, very dangerous in the wrong hands. And a lot of wrong hands are unoccupied these days."
Sirius sighed. "Harry and I broke into the Committee on Experimental Potion Brewing."
Snapes eyebrows jumped up in surprise. He pulled the newspaper out from under the tray of food on his nightstand to scan the headlines.
"You wouldn't find a report on an intrusion because they didn't notice us. Which is probably why you're alive now, so don't even start with me. I put all the enchantments back into place when we left. No harm done."
Snape composed himself, but if Sirius wasn't much mistaken, for a fragment of a second, there had been an expression in his eyes similar to admiration, quickly covered by his usual cold mask.
"Right. As you were, Snape, think about what you want to do about your… situation." Sirius finished, somewhat lamely, and walked towards the door, when Snape suddenly started talking.
"Well, since neither one of my options…" (Snape paused curtly after the word as if he considered taking it back) "…is strikingly desirable, I might just as well stay here. I shall need some things from home, however, so if you could just send the elf in here, I'll tell him what I need and where to find it."
Sirius nodded, left the room and, unaware of it himself, started whistling.
After their talk, Sirius started feeling easier around Snape, which was just as well, because he had more than enough to cope with during the next few days. Sirius was mostly busy searching for a house in London for Harry to move into as Harry had asked him to, as well as helping with the blueprints for the rebuilding of Hogwarts, all the while making sure Snape got his potions and had something to occupy his mind with. And although these days were rather stressful for Sirius, none of his tasks exhausted him the way they might have since at night, he could sleep long and deeply in his own bed, not worrying about anything in particular.
The fourth day, however, held a surprise for Sirius. He got up and staggered down the stairs wearing just his sweatpants as usually. Upon entering the kitchen to make breakfast, he froze: there Snape sat, fully dressed, behind the newspaper, drinking coffee he must have made himself, since Kreacher was still at Hogwarts, cleaning up rubble with the other elves.
"Morning" Sirius said, startled, and then stated: "You're up." With a yawn, he conjured up a shirt that he shrugged into because he didn't like the look Snape had cast his naked torso. It's my bloody house, I can walk around butt-naked if I so choose!, he thought testily, but kept his annoyance to himself, once again.
Snape didn't seem to feel like honouring his greeting with an answer but merely considered him for a second, then offered Sirius a piece of the newspaper.
Sirius sat down opposite him, pointed his wand at the counter to get some eggs cooking and took the piece of newspaper Snape offered him. Sports. Sirius grinned ironically, but scanned the pages briefly (the new beater of the Falmouth Falcons, he learned, had to enter a hearing about a headinjury he had inflicted upon the Cannon's seeker). Then he got up to make tea. He actually did it the Muggle way because somehow, with all the skills he possessed in any branch of magic he had ever dabbled in, he never managed to make tea taste right if he did it magically. He thought he heard Snape scoff silently at this mugglish behaviour, but ignored it for peace's sake. They ate in silence. Sirius used Snape's preoccupation to watch him inconspicuously. Snape ate with as much appetite as he ever seemed to have, which Sirius remembered from their time at Hogwarts to be fairly little. But his fingers effortlessly held the cutlery and his breathing looked normal and pain-free. Yet- Sirius couldn't quite put his finger on it, but there was something in Snape's posture that made Sirius uneasy.
"So. How do you feel?" Sirius asked casually when he stood up to collect their empty plates.
"Fairly well. Wounds are healing at a suitable pace. I should be back to my old self soon."
"Don't say that.", Sirius grinned before he could stop himself, then quickly added, "My apologies, old habit. Won't happen again. Care to show me?"
Snape stared at him as though Sirius had gone mad.
"Just show me the gash under your left costal arch. If that one is all right, I'll leave you alone, I promise. Come on, take off your shirt. I'll take mine off as well if you wish?"
Sirius almost shuddered at the icy stare Snape sent his way. "Relax, I'm just joking. Look, I've been nursing you these past few days, I'd just like to see how everything turned out."
Snape glared at him, but, for some reason, didn't argue but unbuttoned his vest and then the shirt, so Sirius could see his chest. It still didn't look good. The gash Sirius had mentioned especially looked painful and, if Sirius wasn't much mistaken, infected. He leaned forward and raised one hand to touch it when Snape drew back and stood up.
"That will do." He said, and started buttoning up his shirt again.
"Don't be ridiculous, this looks infected!" Sirius rose to his feet as well and made a gesture as if wanting to grab Snape, who immediately pulled his wand.
"Listen, Snape, I'm not going to attack you, but this is really dangerous, what are you getting at? Are you trying to end up dead? I'm not going to Azkaban for that, let me treat the infection now." He took a step towards Snape, who stepped back and retorted bitterly:
"You're golden boy now, remember? They'll probably congratulate you for offing the spy."
Sirius let out an exasperated sigh. "Listen, I know how you feel, I've been in the exact same situation. Except, you have an alley here. I'm already working to get your name cleared, but it's a slow process, you can imagine how the Ministry is like at the moment. The wizarding press is a mess as well, hell, I even tried to get your story on the Quibbler, but they shut up shop, as has the Radio. The war is over, but still everything is in ashes."
Snape stared at him, but the daggers were gone from his gaze now.
"Now. Will you let me treat those wounds or not.", said Sirius in a rather soft voice.
Snape shrugged and left the kitchen, which Sirius took as an invitation to follow him. There was an awkward moment in Snape's bedroom when Sirius had to explain to him he had to take off his shirt and lie down for him to be able to perform the necessary healing methods, and another, even more awkward moment, when Sirius told him to pull down his pants a little, because one of the tears was a little below the belt. But Snape seemed to have decided to be cooperative and did as he was told without making things any harder or even sneering. Sirius had to open one of the wounds where the flesh hadn't settled correctly, and reassemble it. Snape, although unable to feel any pain over Sirius's numbing spell, looked as though he was about to be sick and closed his eyes. Sirius bit his lip, and tried to be as gentle as possible, but Snape flinched several times under is hands anyway. The infected wound had to be drained and cleaned, again causing Snape to look away in disgust. But soon enough, Sirius was finished. Snape made to sit up, but Sirius asked him, in a voice he hardly recognized it was so careful, to stay in bed for a few hours until the pain stilling charm had worn off, and see if he felt up to walking around then. And, to his amazement, Snape didn't argue. He must not be feeling well at all yet, thought Sirius.
"You know, it might be easier to just tell me you don't want me in the rest of the house.", Snape muttered sarcastically as he sat back with his book and Sirius laughed throatily while He walked upstairs to his bathroom to get ready for the day. It almost felt like being back at Hogwarts, before the nastiness had begun. Sirius summoned Kreacher to stay at the house with Snape, then disapparated to help with the rebuilding at Hogwarts.
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When Sirius returned home in the evening, he almost stumbled over Harry, who sat on the bottom Step of the big stairway, apparently waiting for him. "You left him alone?", Harry asked by way of a greeting, failing entirely to keep the accusation out of his voice.
"He's fine. He has even been able to get up today. Besides, Kreacher was with him."
"Remember when you were last here, with no one to talk to you but Kreacher?"
"Easy, now. I'm here in the evenings. Besides, I bet Snape prefers Kreacher's company to mine anyway. I've found you a house, by the way. You'll love it, It's so wizardy it boarders on a joke. We can go see it right now if you want to. Or, maybe tomorrow. Whatever." Sirius chuckled at Harry's reproachful glance and made his way upstairs to check on Snape.
He was bade inside after the first knock.
"Hey, Snape, Harry is pissed that I left you alone. But you were sleeping, so I thought-"
"I am in no way in need of being supervised and would appreciate it if you could make Potter understand that." Snape replied in his usual sarcastic snarl.
"Fine. Just wondering. Anyway, this is going to annoy you greatly, but I'd feel a lot better if I could check on your…"
Snape had already guessed where Sirius was going and with a sigh, he set aside his book and unbuttoned his pyjama top. Sirius sat down on the bed, carefully touched the wound he had reassembled before and took a look at the infected one, as well. "You might want to look away now- I think I need to drain this one again." Sirius said to Snape without looking up, and conjured fresh instruments. Snape let his head sink back into the pillow, while Sirius drained the wound quickly.
"Maybe I'll apply for Madame Pomfrey's job after this." He murmured while slapping on fresh bandages. Snape grimaced weakly, apparently still disgusted.
"Done. You need anything? Books? Drink? Dinner?"
"Your Houseelf has seen to that. I'll be fine."
"Right. You get well then. I could use your help rebuilding Hogwarts, if you're up to it."
"I bet you could" Snape murmured, and, as usually, Sirius wouldn't react to the bait, although sometimes, the urge to snap back, just a little, was almost painfully strong.
Since Snape continuously got better everyday, they soon started a routine in the evenings, where they would both sit in the huge sitting room by the fire, each working silently, hunched over blueprints, theoretical spell-books and the sort while drinking a few glasses of Madame Rosmerta's finest Oak Mead. As long as they kept the subject strictly professional, they could even talk without annoying each other, and sometimes, they would chat animatedly about reconstruction strategies until late into the night.
One night though, when they had gone through several blueprints and almost half a bottle of Fire whisky on top of the usual mead, Sirius addressed a different topic.
"Anyway, Snape, I wanted to ask you something: the Weasleys and some of the Hogwarts staff are meeting on Saturday to discuss the fundraising for the Hogwarts rebuild. Do you feel up for that?"
Snape threw him a calculating glance and instead of answering calmly as usual, this time he snapped: "Does it make a difference? I'm guessing I'll be here anyway."
Sirius looked at him in bewilderment, then answered: "I said we'd meet, not where. If you don't feel like seeing anybody, we'll just do it at the Weasley's, or at Harry's new place. It's your call."
"My call? I believe if this was my call, I would be the one with the options." Snape stood up and started pacing.
"I understand how you feel, but since I'm doing everything I can and it's sort of out of my hands, you might as well stop lashing out at me and tell me what you'd prefer about Saturday."
"I'd prefer to be in a house by the beach, writing my memoirs."
Sirius quickly rose to his feet as well, but then stopped and willed his temper to cool. It worked a little. So he said, somewhat calmly:
"Listen, I get it, you're mad. But I told you. I really am doing everything I can without actually resorting to hexing people."
"Since when do you refrain from hexing people?" A sarcastic little smile curled Snape's lips upwards, and there was a vicious sparkle in his eyes.
Sirius thought he knew what this was about- he had been through all of this as well, after all. So he managed to state, very calmly: "Snape. I won't fight you."
"Why not? You never cared about that before."
"Because it's different now. I don't hate you. You're not who I thought you were."
"Is that so. Well, I'm sorry to say it, but neither are you. I used to think you were an arrogant, pompous blowhard with no regard for others whatsoever. But now I've come to realise: you're but a pathetic little lapdog, begging for the attention of the great Chosen One and his posse. You know- I don't even think you were honest with me. I think the real reason why you won't fight me is that your little gang isn't there to have your back anymore. No Wormtail, no Prongs, no Moony."
"You shut up right now or I swear to god-" Sirius forced out between clenched teeth.
"Oh, right. They're dead now, aren't they? They're all… gone." Snape whispered in his most silky voice.
And then, finally, Sirius snapped.
"You want things to go back to the way they were? well I can help you with that." And without even bothering to reach for his wand, he just drew back his fist and thrust it into Snape's face. Snape stumbled back, caught between pain and surprise, but quickly snapped out of it and then he, too, threw himself at his opponent without even thinking of using magic. And then Sirius had Snape in headlock.
"See what good it does you." He panted. Snape couldn't move, he screamed in frustration, tore at Sirius's grip and finally spat, defeated:
"What do you want from me, Black? All those years, you've constantly been on my back, every single day. Now all of a sudden, you're all puppy eyes and wagging tails. I don't care what caused you to finally lose it, but I advise you to recover it immediately, because I won't have it!"
"But there's nothing you can do now, is there… Snivellus?" Sirius hissed back.
Hearing the old nickname apparently sent Snape over the edge. With a roar, he threw Sirius off, turned around and pulled his wand out in one fluid motion. He pointed it at Sirius, directly at the space between the dark eyes that were flashing dangerously.
"Go ahead… do it. Then we're even. Do it!" Sirius snarled.
"Oh no," retorted Snape in a cold voice, "That won't make us even. I will have vanquished you."
"So what are you waiting for? The moment is finally here."
"And here you are again, proving what an incredibly simple creature you are, dog. You see, killing you now wouldn't even satisfy me." Snape said, icicles dropping from his voice. "I want to see you feel the way I felt. Suffer what I suffered..."
"What did you suffer then, Snape? Loneliness? I know a thing or two about that, twelve years of Azkaban will teach you that, if nothing else. I've been all alone for the better part of my adult life- just like you. We're both love's bitches, or rather, bitches of the ones we loved."
"Oh yes? And who is it that rejected you? I can probably guess, because the list of people you haven't been shagging during your prime at Hogwarts fits on a beetle eye." Snape snarled, wand still pointing at Sirius's forehead.
"Mind your own business, will you. I'm sick of this morbid game. Are you going to kill me any time soon, or do I have to wait for boredom to carry me off?"
Snape glared at him, the little crease above his nose deep with thought. Then, finally, he lowered his wand.
Without being able to explain why, Sirius felt disappointed. "Coward.", he growled, and within a split second, Snape pointed the wand at him again and, in a deadly voice, spat: "No one calls me a coward. Not after all I've done for all of you worthless load of scum!" He sent his wand down in a slashing move, the room was brightly lit for a moment, then Sirius' lifeless body sank to the ground.
So thanks again for bearing with me, I know this is not a very strong chapter but you know, it wasn't getting any better than that.
If you have a minute to spare, write a review to help me keep myself motivated, I'm at a bit of a low point right now.