A/N: Well. At least the plot moves.
Great Edit of December 2011: Christ on a crutch, this was a big low. Short chapters crammed with half-hearted faux-philosophizing and an impenetrable wall of emo slowly moving forward, crushing everything in its way.
Chapter 11: Boundary
I guess I'd chosen a good hotel.
I'd expected a question the first time I came out just after sunset, but sending the clerk a sweet smile seemed to eliminate that worry. As I stepped out the door, pulling the hood over my head and brushing my hair in front of my eyes, I simply began drifting through the streets, taking in the slow pace of the people living on the outskirts of the city.
Still, after an hour, the loneliness began getting to me. Even though my glimpses into the apartments showed warmth and a stubborn humanity, it seemed to be so because the inhabitants were striving against the outside. Though the cold didn't hurt me, I could still feel it stinging my skin as the wind ripped down the grey streets, bringing an icy rain with it.
The concrete walls hedging in the dirty streets were clammy with rain, soaking in behind the peeling sheets of paint, which came off every time I leaned against a wall to think about where I was actually going.
The people I shared the streets with wore heavy clothes, leaning forward against the wind and rain. Every so often, I saw their faces when they passed under a streetlight - somehow tenacious, even in the face of the weather and the silhouettes of others above them, reasonably safe in their homes while others were forced to stay out in the darkness. Even though my clothes and hair were soaked, I kept on walking down the streets, towards the center of the city itself.
I had nothing else I could do - the scenes in the apartments belonged to people I'd never know and never see again. Slowly, the rain began letting up, leaving only the wind howling between the buildings, pushing at my back as I made my way past the outskirts of the city with their peeling paint and rain-scoured bricks and down to a place that was so much more alive than I'd expected of a cloudy Northern city on a dismal autumn night.
I'd never been so grateful for such a place. The street I'd walked onto was a mess of bright storefronts, bar windows bathed in red and blue neon and people walking past the blinding show of light. Everything pulsed with life. I felt like I could see into the life of every person I passed, their faces showing evidence of a whole life lived through good and bad times, the looks on their faces and the expressions they wore reading like a story of friends, failed relationships, marriages and the days that shaped their personalities for the rest of their lives.
Maybe, just maybe, the life I'd had before was even greyer than this place. Even though I couldn't participate in these lives anymore, two years ago I just saw every life passing me every day as another stranger. But still, it felt strangely sickening to watch the lives of other people, hiding at night below a hood, looking down into the ground.
I pulled my hood back, brushed my hair from my eyes, ran my fingers a few times through the strands that had been out in the rain and began walking, taking in every single bright flash of light from behind a window, every single emotion behind the silence of the people who were trudging beside me, gritting their teeth against the wind.
No matter how sure it was that the future would see my world in ruins, I'd enjoy every single second of the bittersweet enjoyment I could find. As a reminder of my situation, I could feel the bone-dry thirst grating in the back of my throat again, but I just smiled through the pain and looked straight forward, not casting my gaze down a single time to avoid the eyes of a stranger.
I'd been cowering in the shadows for too long, no matter what I'd been trying to tell myself with my false confidence. I'd still been hiding, afraid of myself. This was going to be the moment when everything would change. I wasn't going to let this opportunity by.
Most importantly, if I gave up, Aro was going to win. No matter what I had to do, no matter how much of myself I'd have to let go of, I wouldn't betray my family. I'd come back to them when I was sure I wouldn't lose, but if we were all gathered in the same place, Aro would clearly strike. Until then, I wouldn't be afraid.