[Okay so since there were so many characters we decided to write this bit from the Hat's perspective]
The woman with the green robes places me on the stool at the front of the great hall. I watch students I've sorted in days gone by shuffle in. Meenah Peixes-she goes to sit at the Slytherin Table. That was a good choice. Dirk Strider-Gryffindor. Real proud of myself for sorting through all that ironic bullshit. Meulin Leijon takes her place at Hufflepuff. Poor thing. The list goes on. I can't wait to sing my song. I've been thinking all year about it.
Finally, all the older students are settled in, and the doors open. The Handmaiden-I still remember HER sorting, that was awhile ago-escorts the nervous first years into the Great Hall.
Some chattered nervously, some jumped around, excited. A few were perfectly still, staring around with wide eyes. All talk stopped when the Headmaster cleared his throat. His was a sorting I still don't remember. Sometimes I even wondered if he came to Hogwarts at all.
"Welcome, welcome." he said. The hall silenced. "Welcome to another year at Hogwarts. Since I pride myself as an excellent host, I feel that it is necessary to tell you about safety. Do not go into the dark forest if you do not wish to die most painfully, and please avoid the first doorway on the third floor to the left if you do not wish, well, I've already said that. Additionally, stay out of Mr. Highblood's office. Now, let the sorting begin."
I burst into song without a second's delay.
"A thousand years or more ago
when I was newly sewn,
there lived four wizards of renown,
whose names are still well known:
bold Gryffindor, from wild moor,
fair Ravenclaw, from glen,
sweet Hufflepuff, from valley broad,
shrewd Slytherin, from fen.
They shared a wish, a hope, a dream,
they hatched a daring plan
to educate young sorcerers
thus Hogwarts School began.
Now each of these four founders
formed their own house, for each
did value different virtues
in the ones they had to teach.
By Gryffindor, the bravest were
Prized far beyond the rest;
For Ravenclaw, the cleverest
would always be the best;
For Hufflepuff, hard workers were
Most worthy of admission;
And power-hungry Slytherin
loved those of great ambition.
While still alive they did divide
Their favorites from the throng,
Yet how to pick the worthy ones
When they were dead and gone?
'Twas Gryffindor who found the way,
He whipped me off his head
The founders put some brains in me
So I could choose instead!
Now slip me snug about your ears,
I've never yet been wrong,
I'll have a look inside your mind
And tell where you belong!"
Everyone applauded. I attempted a bow, just like every year, but failed, because I am a hat.
The Handmaiden walked up and stood next to me, holding a scroll. "When I call your name, come to the front, and the hat will sort you." She looked down at the scroll, and called the first name. "Eridan Ampora!" Great, another Ampora.
The boy looked cocky as he walked up, and I already had ideas of where he was going to end up. He slipped me down on his head, but before I call the house, I notice some strange traits I hadn't seen in other Amporas. The rest of your family is in Slytherin, but you...you are very loyal as well. You might make a good Hufflepuff...I trail off. The boy is stubborn, and really doesn't want to be in that house. Very well. I suppose you'll just have to go to-
"SLYTHERIN!" He bounced off the stool and walked over to the sea of green. I watched as he was welcomed by his older brother. Enough of that. The Handmaiden was calling another name.
"Sollux Captor!" Oh, interesting. A Captor.
The boy sats down moodily and I went past his eyes down onto his shoulders. You've got a sibling, don't you? But that's not important. Your head is a mess, almost like there are two people there, but you deal remarkably well. You..managed to sneak a muggle device into Hogwarts? The boy visibly tensed. Oh, I'm not going to tell anyone. I'm just a hat. But I guess you better be in-
"RAVENCLAW!" The boy, relieved, stalked over to the Ravenclaw table.
"John Egbert!" A boy with messy brown hair and a silly expression walked up. I considered him. He looked uninteresting.
He sat down. I was placed on his head, and I was suddenly overwhelmed by his potential. You put on a front, young man. The boy thought that it was weird to be mind-raped by a hat. Odd way to put this, but yes, I suppose. You are incredibly brave, young John. You have everything ahead of you. So I think the best choice would be-
"GRYFFINDOR!" He grinned and bounded over to the Gryffindor table. Several more names were called, and I knew their places right off the bat. I was beginning to think there was no one interesting to sort until the Handmaiden called,
"Jade Harley!" The girl looked young and naive, and had a sort of easy grace about her as she bounded towards the stool. I was slipped onto her head, and I immediately began eliminating houses. Definitely not Slytherin. Ravenclaw? No, you are smart, but I don't believe that's right for you. You would make a great Hufflepuff. But still, you have a lot of courage for one so young, and I know you will stand up for what is right. So which one? Hufflepuff, or Gryffindor? The girl seemed unbiased, but I dug a little deeper. It is a very hard choice, but I believe you will be best off in-
"GRYFFINDOR!" The girl went and sat at Gryffindor, glancing over at a boy-Jake English, Hufflepuff-as she did so. More people went by, and I knew they were not the type I'd try to remember. Then, after several minutes, the name that came out was...
"Rose Lalonde." The girl walked up with a quiet dignity. She looked straight ahead and didn't waste time as she moved with purposeful steps. I was certain of where she was going the moment I was on her head, but her highly intelligent mind interrupted me before I could say anything.
How exactly was an inanimate object caused to function as a mind-reader with a personality? She seemed genuinely curious, and I took the time to be intrigued and amused. It is not often that first years try to hold conversation with me. I finally replied. That is a long story and now is not the place or time to tell it. If you find me later, perhaps I will tell you, but right now I'm sure you know that you are going to be in
"RAVENCLAW!" Rose stood up with a quiet smile and walked to the table, taking a seat across from the interesting boy I sent there earlier, and next to a girl I sorted a while ago, Roxy. The two interesting ones did not try to converse-indeed, Rose pulled out a book and Sollux glared at the table, but the other one was speaking non-stop. I would have pinched myself, but I'm a hat. I have to stop getting off-track at events like these.
The Handmaiden called out the next student, "Nepeta Leijon!"
The silly cat girl pounced on the stool and stuffed me on over her cat ear headband. You are interesting, aren't you? You have layers. You act silly, but your mind is rich. I would have half a mind to put you in Hufflepuff... but... no, I feel like you could be a Gryffindor. Stubborn, eh? Hufflepuff it is.
"HUFFLEPUFF!" I shouted. She grinned and scurried to the yellow table, sitting down next to Horuss Zahhak and Meulin Leijon. Oh, that's how I knew her!
The next name made me angry. I really hate the old pureblood families, because they tend to be no fun to sort. "Gamzee Makara!" rang across the hall, and a wild-looking boy who probably smelled bad stalked up and put me on. You are very arrogant aren't you? But no...that's a disguise. After that unfortunate incident with your cousin, and the issues you suffer with in your mind...I'm surprised you are sane at all. You might make a great Gryffindor, if not for all that ambition. One side of you doesn't care, but I can tell. You'd really love to go places, and so Slytherin is where you belong.
"SLYTHERIN!" I called out, and it rang across the hall. The boy sat down to a less than excited pat on the back from the Ampora first year.
Wasting no time, the Handmaid shouted for one "Kanaya Maryam" to come and get sorted. She looked nervous as she approached, but I could tell she was a good person before she got near. Her sister was as well. Kanaya put me on her head with shaking fingers. No need to be nervous, it's an easy choice for you. Would you prefer Hufflepuff? Or Ravenclaw? I watched her mind go to the Rose human I sorted earlier. So it shall be.
"RAVENCLAW!" Kanaya immediately relaxed and went to sit next to Rose, who actually put down her book and started a tentative conversation. Very interesting. However, the Handmaiden seems determined for me to do nothing but sort, and very quickly calls out the next name.
"Aradia Megido!" The Megidos always interested me. So many layers. So much to sort through. I watched several other first years tense as she made her way up, and I wondered at the story behind it. I didn't have to wonder for long.
You are very brave to have suffered for so long and still have made it here. Yet...it seems as if a part of you is missing. You seem very smart. I heard the girl snort silently. Oh, you find that funny? Don't blame yourself for the mistakes you made long ago. All the same, I think I agree that you'd do best in-
"GRYFFINDOR!" Aradia walked away, silent, and sat down next to Jade a bit uncomfortably. The other girl began to talk immediately, and as I watched Aradia begin to relax, I was sure I had made the right choice. The Handmaid called a few more boring people to the stool, and they were easy and uneventful sorts. Then-
"Tavros Nitram!" The boy, using his muggle four wheel device, made his way as close to me as possible, at the bottom of the stairs. I went down in front of his eyes.
Oh, hello, Tavros. I am well associated with your cousin. But lets not talk about him. I know where I am going to put you, but first, a word of advice, consult Madame Mendicant about your legs. Godspeed, Tavros, and I'll toss you into-
"HUFFLEPUFF!" Tavros, relieved, thanked me, and then gave the hat to Handmaid before wheeling over to to Hufflepuff. I'm still proud of that sort.
I sorted a few more students, but then the little heiress to be was called.
"Feferi Peixes." said Handmaid. She skipped up and shoved the hat down over her long blonde hair.
Peixes. I remember your sister well, but you are different from her. Considerably. She was ambitious, and you are too, I suppose, but... you are loyal to your country and to your friends. That will serve you well, young Minister. Better be-
"HUFFLEPUFF!" I shouted, and the young girl, pleased, sat down amongst the Leijon and Nitram children. She sneaked a glance over at the Ampora boy, who didn't look happy at where the girl had ended up. I wondered at the relationship there.
The only other remaining last name beginning with P that Handmaid called is, "Terezi Pyrope!" I found myself eying her curiously as she made her way up to me, and put me on her head with ease. Though many probably couldn't tell, I saw(no pun intended, of course) that she was blind. She was remarkably capable, even with her disability. I am impressed by how well you've dealt since you have gone blind. You think it is all because of your mother? No, you are very brave to have struggled so well,and very smart. Yet...you also have ambi-The girl frowns as I begin my next statement. Not Slytherin? Are you avoiding a certain Serket girl, who will almost definitely be there? It matters not. I believe you are best off in-
"RAVENCLAW!" I shouted, and Terezi hurried off, quite pleased. She sat down without any trouble next to Sollux, and they sat in companionable silence. Several more names were called, quite a few. I started to lose hope in this batch, but just as I thought that, "Vriska Serket" was called up. I was on her head for a moment before I began speaking.
Goodness, another Serket. Well, this time, I'm not actually sure of where to put you. I mean, the obvious choice would be Slytherin, and lets be honest, Hufflepuff is ridiculous to even contemplate. But you are incredibly brave, and incredibly smart. So... She silently willed me to put her in Slytherin. I smiled, or I would, if I could have. Slytherin? Are you sure? Well, if you insist, then it better be-
"SLYTHERIN!" She smiled and sat across from the Ampora. Hmm.
"Dave Strider!" said Handmaid. Great, another Strider. More bullshit I had to sort through. He strolled up to the stool and sat down, his arms crossed across his chest.
Dave, Dave, Dave. Dear, sweet Dave. You really think that I can't get through all of the ironic bullshit blocks in your mind? Pshaw. Now, Dave, I know you are vying for Hufflepuff ironically, but I am putting you in Gryffindor with John and Jade, yes? Yes.
"GRYFFINDOR!" I shouted, and Dave practically tossed me back onto the stool. That was an enjoyable sort. We were at the end of the Alphabet, and I felt my day coming to an end. A few students were called, and then another Vantas was called up.
"Karkat Vantas!" yelled the Handmaid. I could tell she was tiring of this quickly and wanted to eat. Karkat walked up slowly and sat down with a defined motion. I sat on his head and contemplated.
Hello, Vantas. I'm trying to sort through your mind, but all I see is ambition. Well, better be-
"SLYTHERIN!" Another successful sort. Karkat looked slightly happy to sit next to Gamzee. I was glad.
My final sort was extremely tough. One Equius Zahhak. He was tall and strong for his age, and I fit just right around his head.
Zahhak, well. You are very different than your brother. But still so much alike. You're very smart, but also brave. You're loyal and ambitious. Why are you so rounded? Well, I can tell you want to be with your friend, so I'll place you in-
"HUFFLEPUFF!" He smiled, and my time is done. All is sorted, and I am transported back to my spot on Handmaid's shelf. Another successful year of sorting.