Author's note: thank you very much for all the reviews!

Chapter Three: Check Back On Reality

Everything was tiny, incredibly tiny. From the fingers to the head, passing by the ankles. It was a miniature version of a human being. Sadly, a real one. This isn't a doll but a corpse. Once a heart used to beat there, under the tissues. And now it has stopped.

Deep breath – more to give herself courage than to face the crowd gathered around her – and incision. Her scalpel passed under the different layers that composed the skin easily. Way too easily. She winced, bit the inside of her cheek. She hated it. As much as she considered her job as a passion, the autopsy of a child was always a tough moment to live; if only because it was clear that even the years would never change her feelings regarding it.

"The subject is twenty-six months old. Female." And another one who had been shaken by an adult who had lost his nerves; the baby's cries probably pushing the culprit's limits. "She..."

Silence. The medical school students looked up from their notebook and squinted their eyes at her; eager to hear the rest of her explanation.

"I... I don't know." Suddenly panicked, Maura looked all around for help but found Susie as lost as she was herself yet not for the same reasons. The senior criminalist seemed incredulous before her boss' reaction. "I... I am sorry."

The scalpel echoed in the room – way too loud – as she left in a hurry, a hand on her mouth after letting go of the instrument that fell heavily on the ground.

She couldn't do it. She couldn't do that anymore, not under such circumstances. An adult was okay but not a child. Not a baby. Not when her days were planned according to her hormonal injections. No. No, no and no.

"Maura? Are you here?"

Silence. Huddled on the bathroom floor – leaned against the door – the honey blonde closed her eyes and swallowed back her sobs. She didn't want Jane to see her like that. Then, it was obvious that she would have no choice but to explain to her what had happened and it wasn't even remotely conceivable.

The Chief Medical examiner didn't step back from an autopsy.

Never.

"Maura, I know you are in there and you have locked the door. Susie called, she told me you had rushed out of the autopsy room without any warning. Are you sick? Maura, please talk... Are you okay? Maura!"

Shit. The scientist rolled her eyes and reluctantly stood up before opening the door. Pale smile followed by an unconvinced nod. "I am fine."

"You look paler than a ghost, though."

The blonde shrugged and looked at the floor. It would be a long day, a very long day. One of these that made her regret these getaways on the West Coast for missing them too much once back in town. At least in Santa Monica, all the babies she had seen had been healthy. And full of life. Not blue and dead like the one waiting on a metallic table a few feet away.

"What's going on? Are you sick? Is this because of the injections? Are you nauseated?"

Maura shook her head and walked into her office rather annoyed, yet not against Jane – why would she? - but against herself. "No. I am not sick. I am simply... I don't know. Ridiculous... Yes, that's it. I am ridiculous. Stupid. An idiot."

The Italian's phone vibrated but she didn't check it. Her brow furrowed and knowing better than to accept Maura's words in the first place, Jane shook her head and followed her wife to the desk where the blonde was falsely going through a medical file.

"What happened? If you aren't sick then why did you rush out the autopsy room as you just did?"

"I didn't just do anything, Jane. That was fifteen minutes ago." And this comment was lame but that was all Maura owned for the moment. Cheap excuses and nothing else.

Sigh. "Don't play on words now, Maur'... And tell me why you left like that. I... I'm worried, you know."

Yes she knew and she hated it. Even before their relation evolved towards something more intimate, Jane's protectiveness had driven her crazy if only because it was not deserved. Not all the time. Like now.

"It is nothing. Nothing at all." Bullshit. Her whisper screamed for the exact opposite and she knew it. Therefore the blushing of her cheeks, her reluctance to look at her wife in the eyes.

Your wife, Isles. Indeed. Your wife. It is your wife you are treating like that, and she has done nothing wrong to you. See? This is the reason why you don't deserve her. Jane is too good for you.

Gathering a semblance of courage she miraculously found somewhere deep inside herself, the blonde took a deep breath and sighed. Heavily. Loudly. "The subject waiting in the room right now is a baby. Barely two years old and... I can't do it."

Silence. Why was Jane not talking anymore? Why? This was worse than any kind of word. A lot worse. With difficulty, she locked her hazel eyes with her wife's dark ones before shaking her head apologetically. "I started the incision and suddenly realized what I was doing... You have no idea how it..." How it what? Hurt? Troubled her? Made her put back in question her career or even the whole point of the hormonal injections?

But before she had a chance to find the appropriate words, she found herself comforted by a pair of strong arms she used to fall asleep in every night. She accepted the hug and held Jane tight against her as another wave of tears rushed through her body.

"I can't do this..."

Yet she didn't have a choice. Unless she called in sick and let one of her colleagues practice the autopsy then she had to go through it. Saying the truth was out of the question as well. They wouldn't say anything about the upcoming artificial insemination before being sure it would have worked and she wanted to stick to that. She really did.

There was nothing worse than facing the whole BPD apologizing of a single voice because she would have failed.

"Please don't mock me."

Jane scoffed – cupped Maura's face in her hands – and frowned. "Have you lost your mind? Why would I do that? I have faced this. I have seen dead babies. I know how it feels. I know way too well how it feels."

Fair point.

"Do you think that we will see things differently once we happen to have this child? Do you think we won't be able to go on like that? Our jobs are... Singular, to say the least... They may not be very appropriate for us to raise a family. Even adoption agencies would probably turn down our file because of it."

Jane swallowed hard and ran her tongue over her dry lips. She frowned. "Are you trying to tell me that the insemination is a bad idea?"

The weight of her question floated above their heads and made them feel dizzy.

"No! No... Not at all. I just... I just wonder if we – or at least I – will be able to adapt because a child will change our perspective over the world. Let's face it..."

Alright. Jane took a deep breath and cast a glance at the door of the office left wide opened. It was a fair conversation. She just hadn't assumed that it would come up now. Especially after a weekend spent in California; a light, perfect getaway far from the stress of their daily life.

"It will but as far as I know, homicide detectives and medical examiners have children and do just fine in the end. It's not like we will be launching a new trend or something. We will see it all differently – I agree with you – but maybe we will simply turn richer thanks to it. And not weakened..."

She wanted this child. Now they had a plan – a viable one – Jane wanted nothing but a child. With Maura. She already pictured them out raising him – or her, she wasn't sure yet – as they would argue over the diet and the activities to choose. Not the education though. She knew – somehow – that they were alike on this.

Yes. She wanted this baby at any price.

"You are right... I am sorry. Really sorry. I must sound... Awfully insecure." Nodding with a clear determination, Maura grabbed Jane's hands before locking her eyes with her wife's. "I want it as much as you do, that you can be certain of. I guess my anxious side is showing... Nothing to worry about. We will do just fine."