Author's note: thank you very much for all the reviews...
Chapter Seven: Where There Is A Will
She had all the symptoms and none at the same time: her lower back ached, her breasts had rarely been that sensitive and – most of all – there was this funny sensation boiling quietly yet precisely in her stomach.
A sensation she had never experienced before.
"You contaminated the sample! Dammit, can't you be careful?" Maura's annoyed voice took the whole lab aback. Within a second, everyone turned around and stared at her. The honey blonde blushed and mumbled vague apologies. Dr. Isles never lost her nerves. Never. Until now. "Just... Be careful next time, okay?"
The intern nodded and sat back at his seat as she exited the room.
"Fuck!" Back to her own desk, Maura plunged her face between her hands and moaned. She was too impatient, too nervous. Nobody knew it but within an hour now, she would get the results of her artificial insemination. Of course, she hadn't waited for the blood sample but a basic pregnancy test had turned out to be somewhere in between, lacking precision.
Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Focus on a point in front of you. Come on, Isles. You can't let all these feelings get the best of you. This is your workplace. You have responsibilities. Your outburst was certainly not justified. You lost it.
Full of remorse, Maura bit her lower lip and shook her head. Perhaps she should have done as Jane had suggested and stayed home for the day. She wasn't efficient at all, at the morgue. On the contrary. It was a waste of time and a torture for her employees.
She was about to focus back on a file when her phone vibrated. Her heart sped up suddenly but disappointment got the best of her as she realized that it was only Jane who had sent her a message.
Still nothing? Stuck at the courthouse, takes forever...
Maura made a face. The only person she wanted to be with when the clinic called her was on the other side of town attending a trial. The timing couldn't be worse. Or hardly.
No, nothing... Will call you as soon as I know
No matter the result, she would have to face the impersonal character of a phone call. What if she needed Jane's arms? Her absence was a major disappointment.
I love you
The Italian's reply elicited a smile on her lips. If the artificial insemination had gone smoothly, Maura still remembered the pain that had followed for the rest of the day. Stuck in bed, Jane and she had remained cuddled against each other until the honey blonde had fallen asleep. A strange, delicate experience. Not necessarily among the ones Maura wanted to remember for the rest of her life. Oddly enough.
It might be a sign, a sign that proves that you don't really want this child. She frowned. This wasn't true at all. Deep inside, she knew that they had taken the right decision about it. The last few months had marked a complete turn in her life but she didn't regret any of it. On the contrary. Everything had sped up – from the evolution of her relation with Jane to their desire to have a family of their own – and as much as it made her feel dizzy, she was addicted to it.
Completely addicted.
"Dr. Isles?"
Maura looked up and jumped of surprise as Susie Chang's voice broke the heavy silence that had fallen over her office. She took a deep breath, forced a smile.
"What can I do for you?"
The Senior Criminalist timidly made a few steps inside, hands in her back. She shrugged and looked at her feet. Obviously, she didn't dare to speak.
"I don't bite, Susie. I know I have... Crossed some limits with Paul and I will apologize to him personally but if you have something to tell me, please feel free to do so."
The young woman nodded and squinted her eyes at her boss. "You're waiting for the results of your artificial insemination, aren't you? I know that it's none of my business but..."
Maura swallowed hard. She hadn't expected that. Not at all. Before her silence, Susie sighed and shook her head. "I am a scientist, and a good observer. The bathroom breaks, the extra weight you put on... My sister went through the same."
Susie Chang had a sister? Who cares, Isles? You really think it's the appropriate moment to wonder about that? Especially since she has just said – and rather openly – that she did have a sibling.
Nod. A timid one. The words never made it to Maura's lips. She was unable to speak, unable to say the slightest thing. Not even a mere 'yes'.
"You will be a fantastic mother, so will Detective Rizzoli. Sorry, I mean Detective Rizzoli-Isles of course."
The medical examiner smiled and just as she had assumed that she had finally found enough courage to talk, her phone vibrated anew. But it wasn't a text message from Jane. No, not this time. Instead, the number of the clinic appeared in big letters on her screen.
Bright letters, too bright.
With a shaking hand, she grabbed the device and pressed the green button to take the call. "Maura Isles-Rizzoli..."
She had never missed Jane so much. Her wife should have been there – by her side – holding her hand. Certainly not in a courthouse, bored to death on a bench; pulling on her dress every five seconds.
"Yes... Alright, thank you very much... You too."
It didn't even last a minute yet it resulted enough for her to have the feeling that her life had now tipped over. Officially. There would be a before and an after. No matter what.
Suddenly remembering that Susie hadn't left her office, Maura looked up at her employee and frowned. She liked the young woman. Hardworking, smart. Ambitious and determined. She would go far, and have a successful career soon enough.
Yet she wasn't supposed to be the first one to learn the news.
"It didn't work out. I am not pregnant."
The words seemed to come from very far, almost from a third party. Maura blinked, took a deep breath. It was her voice though. She had just spoken, not a complete stranger. And now?
"I am sorry."
And here came the apologies, the exact reason why she had decided – along with Jane – to not say it to anyone. She didn't want to face that. She didn't want that at all. Hand in the air, Maura stopped her employee and shook her head.
"I know the percentage of chances and every single studies published on the matter... I... I am not surprised." Yet did she have to be so harsh? She swallowed hard, looked down at her lap. "I mean... Thank you. I am sorry for my tone. Obviously I..." Sigh. "Would you mind leaving me alone for a moment, please?"
Against all expectations, the young woman seemed to hesitate instead of obeying her boss right away but she finally nodded and turned around to leave quietly.
You are not pregnant. You failed. Or better said, your body failed. It rejected the idea of life.
The words were tough and unjustified but Maura couldn't prevent them from reaching her brain, making her feel worse and worse by the second. And now she had to call Jane. What would she say? How? How did you announce to the person you loved the most that all the things you had gone through lately had been for nothing? Absolutely nothing.
How did you tell someone that there was no baby? Not this time?
Panicked but exhausted, Maura let the tears well up in her eyes and soon her sobs seemed to accompany the dead silence of her office. She wasn't feeling lonely but empty. Empty, lost. Pointless.
She needed Jane more than anything and yet – deep inside – she dreaded the moment she would tell her about the whole thing. If only because she knew that the love her life would certainly be disappointed.
Immensely disappointed.
And it is all your fault, Isles. Your body said no. It doesn't want to give life. No. Not now.
Her phone vibrated and through the curtain of tears that made her vision blurry, Maura saw Jane's name appear. She opened the message. Reluctantly.
Will be out in twenty minutes... Hopefully to celebrate the results!
A gasp of pain escaped from Maura's lips. Putting a hand on her mouth to stifle her cries, she shook her head – walked to the couch – and huddled there, rocked by the tears; shaken by an invisible pain that would remain engraved in her brain for the rest of her life.