Author's Note: Well, I started this only a few days after the last chapter. Then, I drowned in busy (work, school, etc) for a while, not to mention pissed off. There's currently all kinds of drama going on in my student organization, and I'm about to kill some people because I'm really sick and freaking tired of this crap. I DO NOT KNOW EVERYTHING. GET OVER IT. Gah! Anyway, chapter for you. Now with footnotes, thanks to lurk-a-lot. And I was afraid I wouldn't get to blame this chapter on anybody.

Kagayaku Means to Shine Anime: Shoujo Kakumei Utena
Primary Pairing: Utena x Anshii
Rating: PG-13
Written: 30 October 2006
Chapter Eighteen

"Hey, Dad?"

Utena and Nishiki were sitting together at the kotatsu(1) in Nishiki's living room putting together a puzzle, having managed to finagle their way out of a post-fifteenth-birthday shopping trip with Anshii and Nishiko. The various other members of their happy little family were off in their own rooms doing whatever it was that they did, leaving the two alone. They'd been sitting quietly together for about an hour, passing pieces back and forth, and the outer edges had quickly taken shape. As the last piece of the outside was pushed into place, Nishiki finally spoke up, having been mulling something over in her head for the last several days.

"Yeah?" Utena's reply was somewhat absentminded, as she turned over a puzzle piece that was almost absurdly odd-shaped. There was silence for a moment, as the older woman waited patiently for her child to speak.

"You remember how, way back when, you told me I could be anything I wanted to?" Nishiki handed her father another piece, and Utena made a small affirmative sound as the two fit together.

"I think so, yeah. I told you that a few times when you were younger, didn't I?"

"Well, it's like this," Nishiki began, pushing another piece into place inside of the border, "I think I want to grow up to be, well..." The girl's voice tapered off again, and they worked for a few more moments in silence.

"What do you think about things like...you know, crossdressers and stuff?" The question was tentative, and not a little probing.

"Dunno. I mean, I did it a bit when I was your age, and you're always wearing the boy uniforms. In fact," Utena grinned crookedly at Nishiki, "With your small bust I bet you're always passing for a boy, huh?"

Nishiki turned bright red.

"Dad!"

"What," demanded a laughing Utena, "I'm your father, I'm allowed to comment. But it makes me wonder how Ko-chan has a bigger chest than you, if you're identical."

Nishiki grumbled something that might have been 'push-up bra', followed by a louder 'it's still rude'.

"Anyway," Utena began again, "I guess I think it's kinda cool. I've seen lots of okama(2) perform in bars and things, and I thought that was really neat. And of course, there's always the whole onabe(3) thing everywhere."

"Dad!" Nishiki exclaimed once more, "Don't use bad words like that!"

Utena blinked, "What?"

"Those words can be offensive, you know," Nishiki said sharply, full of righteousness, "Especially okama. Nyuuhaafu(4) is the more polite term."

"Mm, okay. Could you hand me that piece, the one with two tabs and two slots? Thanks. So anyway, what did that have to do with anything?"

"Well, it's like..." Nishiki thought for a moment as she toyed with a couple of pieces that didn't go together, "You know how sometimes the nyuuhaafu really think they're the other sex, and they want to change it? Like, physically?"

"I think so," Utena said thoughtfully, taking one piece from Nishiki's hand and putting it where it went. "Don't they take hormones and things like that? And have surgery?"

Nishiki nodded, pressing the second piece into place before she spoke up once more, quickly, as if spilling the words from a cup.

"Dad, I'm a nyuuhaafu. I think I should've been born a boy, and...and I want to fix it."

Having made her declaration, Nishiki shrank down a bit behind the kotatsu, awaiting the judgment and anger she knew was soon to come. Sure, her parents were open-minded and progressive, being a lesbian couple and all, but she doubted they were that progressive. Nobody was.

So imagine her surprise when Utena just chuckled and pressed the joined pieces into place.

"As long as you don't plan on getting up on a stage and singing, I don't mind. Your singing voice is awful."

Nishiki blinked in complete startlement, so Utena continued speaking.

"Besides, I think we knew that about you by the time you entered first grade. Komaba Elementary was a very deliberate choice on our parts, English classes aside. They were the first school that didn't mind about us as your parents, and didn't argue when we said we wanted a boys' uniform for a girl student. Same for Jounan Middle. Not to mention that Ko-chan has insisted on calling you 'big brother' ever since she learned to talk."

Nishiki was silent for several long moments, trying to adjust to this wholly unexpected reaction to her confession, and Utena continued to work in silence.

"You mean...you're not mad? You and Mom still love me?"

Utena looked up, a little taken aback by the shock in Nishiki's voice, but just smiled faintly and turned her eyes back to the puzzle.

"Of course we still love you, dummy. You and your sister are like a pair of miracles to us, and there's nothing you could do to make us stop loving you."

Utena looked up suddenly, locking her liquid blue eyes on the startlingly similar pair across the table, and added softly, "I promise."

Nishiki just stared at her father for several long minutes before tears silently began to fall down her cheeks, blurring her vision. Taking a deep breath, she let out a tiny sob, the words getting caught up in her throat as she wept.

Utena got up and moved around the kotatsu to Nishiki's side, kneeling and wrapping her arms around the sobbing teenager.

"Hey, hey, it's alright. It's gonna be fine, honest." Resting Nishiki's head on her shoulder, Utena smoothed the girl's ruffled hair, tucking a few stray strands behind her ears, "We love you and nothing can change that. It might be weird for a while, and there are lots of things we could stand to learn, but it's gonna be okay, whatever happens."

Nishiki just nodded and continued to cry for some minutes, soaking through the shoulder of Utena's blue sweater, before finally getting herself under some semblance of control. Lifting a tear-stained face to regard her father's gentle expression, she gave a tiny hiccup, which made Utena chuckle.

"I'm sorry...that I acted so surprised that you still love me," the teenager got out between sniffles, "But I read all kinds of stuff on the internet that said, you know... 'your parents won't trust you, or love you, you'll get kicked out or beat up'. Stuff like that. I was scared, I didn't want you not to trust me anymore."

"You and your sister are both smart kids," Utena answered with a little shake of her head, "I think you're old enough to know what you want for yourself, and I trust your judgment. After all," she said with a smile, brushing away a stray tear from her child's cheekbone, "You're at least older than your mother and I were when you two were born. I think that says something."

"Do you ever wish," Nishiki mused as she sat up a little straighter, sniffling and drying her eyes on the handkerchief that Utena handed her, "That you'd waited longer, or that you just hadn't had kids at all?"

"Never," Utena replied, firmly and immediately, "Not even once. Before you were born, we had serious thoughts about it, but in the end we decided it was all for the best, and that we'd do the best we could. I think we did okay, don't you?"

"Yeah. I think so."

A firm hug was Utena's answer, and another little ruffle of Nishiki's hair.

"Let's get back to this puzzle, huh? We don't want your mom and sister to think we've been slacking off, right?"

"Dad," Nishiki gave a rather damp-sounding giggle as she sat the rest of the way up, "I hate to break it to you, but I think doing a puzzle counts as slacking off."

"Shush."

There were a few moments of warm, comfortable silence, broken once more by Nishiki's voice.

"Hey, Dad?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you."

"Love you too, kiddo."

"Ko-chan? Ko-chan, is something wrong? Hey, wake up!"

Nishiko blinked suddenly, her whole body twitching as she came back to wakefulness, staring into her mother's worried face.

"...Kaasan," she murmured blearily, looking around as if unsure of where she was or how she got there, "Did I...pass out?"

"No," Anshii shook her head, "You just...suddenly stopped talking, right in the middle of a sentence, and stared off at nothing, as if you were entranced. What happened?" Brushing Nishiko's bangs out of her eyes, the older woman surreptitiously checked her youngest for injuries. Satisfied that Nishiko was unhurt, she gazed once more into the blue eyes that so resembled her love's, though still a bit unfocused.

"I...I don't know," Nishiko murmured, her eyes finally focusing as she recounted the vision in a soft voice, "Niichan was there, and Tousan...they were doing a puzzle, and talking. There was crying. I think...I think Niichan finally told," she concluded.

"Told?"

"Yeah. I...well, it's something you need to hear for yourself, I think. It's nothing bad, it can wait a while. Come on," she said suddenly, getting to her feet, "I think there are at least a few stores we haven't been to yet, and I really need some new socks. Those poofy ones are way out of style now."

Somewhat bemused by the sudden change in topic and direction, Anshii just laughed softly and followed the excited fifteen-year-old to the next store, wondering silently to herself how, exactly, socks go in and out of style. And, more importantly, who decides.

END CH.18

References: (thanks, lurk-a-lot, for reminding me)

kotatsu: A kotatsu is, generally speaking, a heated table. It's got an open wooden frame (like the legs of a table), covered in a blanket or quilt, with a table surface set over it and a heater (either charcoal or electric) under it. You'd sit with your legs under it to keep warm, and sometimes people will even sleep under it, because the Japanese are INSANE and don't have central heat or air.

okama: Okama (lit. 'a pot', 'a kettle') is a somewhat offensive term for a male-to-female transsexual or, more commonly, a transvestite (or drag) performer. It's also used for male homosexuals in general. Don't use it, especially not in polite company, because it IS OFFENSIVE. You've been warned.

onabe: Invented more recently from okama, onabe is a slang, somewhat offensive term for a lesbian or female-to-male crossdresser/transsexual/transvestite/drag performer. Not as offensive for lesbians as rezu but more offensive than nyuu dandi. You have been warned again.

nyuuhaafu: Japan-ified pronunciation of 'new half', a more new-agey, much less offensive and slang-y term for transgendered/transsexual people/performers in general. May possibly be offensive in certain contexts.