I do not own Glee or any of the characters
Thanks to everyone who likes the story and everyone who has reviewed
Rachel's POV
When we got back downstairs after my very embarrassing dramatic reaction to that stupid movie and making a mental note to hide all the horror movies from Santana and Quinn. I decided to go make popcorn, because you can't watch a Disney movie with out it or a least that's how I feel. Plus, I needed some space from the three beautiful cheerios. I still can't get over the fact that they actually care for me like I do them. It really is like a dream come true, I mean the three most beautiful girls in Mckinley High, actually the three most beautiful I've ever met, like me Rachel Berry the social outcast that no one wants anything to do with. Part of me thinks that maybe this is all a plot against me, but why would they go to this much trouble if it was? Unless it's so I'll trust them and let them know all my secrets, to just break me even more. I really hope that's not case because it honestly wouldn't take to much to break me completely and to push me over the edge, because I'm already half way there.
The ding from the microwave brought me out of my thoughts. I grabbed a bowl and poured the bag of butter popcorn in it before grabbing another bag of unbuttered popcorn putting it in the microwave. While waiting for it to get done my mind started to drift to the cuts on my shoulder. I know I'm going have to talk to the trio about my cutting, but I'm not sure if I can just open up and tell them that I've been doing it for a few months. I think it might just be better if I lie and tell them this is first time I done anything like that.
Feeling a pain shoot up my shoulder again, I look down and realize that I was rubbing my shoulder causing the five cuts to bleed, I curse under my breath as I hurry out of the kitchen and upstairs not stopping when I hear the three cheerios calling my name from the living room. Great, now their going follow me and probably ask questions. Maybe if I just tell them I had to use the restroom they'll let it go and I won't have to answer questions about it right now.
"Rach?" I hear Santana's voice behind me as I enter my room. Shit, they got up here quicker then I thought they would. "You okay?"
"Um, yeah. I just have to really go to the bathroom." I say turning my cut shoulder away from her.
"Why didn't you just use the bathroom downstairs?" Quinn asks raising a eyebrow at me. Ugh, of course she would just have to call me out on it.
"Well you see- " I started but was cut off by Brittany.
"Why are you bleeding?" She asks pointing to floor where there was a few drops of blood on the carpet. I didn't realize I was bleeding that bad. I quickly ran to bathroom trying to shut the door to only having it pushed forcefully back open. Looking up I'm met with fierce brown eyes, I sigh loudly before I walk over to sink and clean up my shoulder. Maybe, the longer I stand here cleaning up my shoulder and ignoring them they'll disappear, yeah right like that would ever happen. Glancing in the mirror I see three sets of eyes looking back at me. The pair of blue eyes are looking at me sadly, The hazel pair have sadness and worry in them with a hint of anger I think, Finally the last pair of eyes that are dark brown are furious with a mix of worry.
"Why did you lie?" Santana asks finally breaking the silence in the room.
"I just didn't want you guys to worry." I reply quietly looking down at the sink. The truth is I just wasn't ready to talk to them about this, but now there is no avoiding it.
"We just want to help, Rachel, but we can't do that if your not going be honest with us." Quinn says gently walking over to me and taking the wash cloth I have in my hand, cleaning my shoulder and arm.
"Did you cut again?" Santana asks as she looks up and down my shoulder as Quinn cleans it up.
"No. I was, um, rubbing my shoulder and I guess I rubbed it to hard, making it bleed." I answer trying to keep my eyes down toward the sink, away from the trio's eyes. I knew they didn't really believe me because I felt Santana pulling my sleeve up more checking my cut shoulder, while Brittany checked the other one. " I'm not lying."
"Well, were just checking. I mean you lied to us about just having to use the bathroom. So we have a right to worry." Santana grounded out a little harshly. I knew they were worried and that she didn't mean to use a harsh tone, but at that point something inside me snapped and I couldn't help but get a little defense and pissed.
"Right to worry? Really? Where were you guys a few months ago when I started to cut? Huh? Where were you last year when all I thought about was dying? Because you guys sure as hell weren't here worrying about me. All three of you were to damn busy tearing me down and making me feel like shit to even pay attention to me!" I yell shaking as I grip a hold of the sink trying to hold back my tears. I could feel their eyes on me and I hated it. I hated that I felt so helpless and worthless.
"Rachel, I know we treated you awful and I know it's going take awhile for you to trust us, but you need to believe us when we say we care and worry about you. Please just talk to us." Quinn whispers touching my arm gently. "please give us a chance."
"You shouldn't care or worry, because I'm worthless. No one loves or wants me. You was right earlier today Quinn." I say finally looking up at Quinn through the mirror, who had a unreadable expression on her face. " It would be better if I just wasn't around anymore."
"I didn't mean that, Rachel. I'm sorry for saying it and your not worthless." Quinn says in a shaky voice with tears in eyes. " I didn't mean it."
"Yeah, but your right though." I whisper softly feeling tears fall from eyes. "I am worthless."
"Stop saying that!" Santana yells making me jump a little.
"It's true though! I'm worthless and no one wants me, my mother doesn't want me, my dad's don't want me anymore, and everyone at school can't stand me. The damn Glee club, the club that's supposed to be like family doesn't even want anything to do with me. I never even got a chance in there and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of feeling like shit everyday!" I yell falling to my knees crying.
I feel the trio's arms wrap around me, holding my tightly, as I cry. The room is quiet all that can be heard is small sniffles coming from me. I'm thankful for the silence, because I know that I'm going have to talk about everything I just said. I bury my head against Santana's chest as I let out loud sob, thinking about my dad's and my mother. All I ever wanted was for them to love me and be there, but they don't and their not, and it's slowly killing me.
"Baby girl, let's go out there and sit on bed okay?" Santana says softly as I feel her lightly kiss the top of my head.
"Okay." I nod leaning back and wiping my eyes before I stand up, walking quickly from the bathroom before the trio even move from the floor.
Once I reach the bed I sit on the edge and look down at the floor, because I was so unsure of what do and my nerves was making it difficult to think. When I feel the bed dip, I look up to see the trio sitting with their backs against the headboard looking at me.
"Come here, baby girl." Santana says gently motioning for me to come sit with them. Sighing softly I crawl up to where their at stopping in front of Santana looking down again. My stomach is turning and it feels like someone is pounding on my head at the thought of everything I revealed to them without thinking.
Santana gently grabs my arms and pulls me to her so I can sit between her legs, leaning back against her she wraps her arms tightly around my waist. I smile a little when I feel her lips press against my temple.
"We know you don't really want to talk about what's going on, but we really wish you would, baby girl. So we can help you." Santana says softly as she kissing my head again. "So please just talk to us."
"I - I don't know where to begin or what to even say." I bite my bottom lip trying to hold the tears back. " I just don't want you guys to judge me."
"Sweetie, were not going judge you. We promise." Quinn reaches over and rubs my left arm gently before she grabs my hand and laces our fingers together.
"Please, just talk to us, Rae." Brittany says gently grabbing my other hand like Quinn did.
"Okay, I'll try, but I'm not promising anything." I close my eyes again. "What do you want to know?"
"In the bathroom you said that last year you wanted to die. Do you still feel like that?" Santana asks as I feel her fingertips gently rubbing my stomach.
"Sometimes." I reply quietly feeling tears burn my eyes again. " I just feel that everyone's life would be better if I did. It's not like anyone would miss me."
"We would miss you." Santana says laying her head on my shoulder. " So don't think that no one would miss you, because all three of us would. Baby girl, you mean so much to us. You really do."
" Sweetie, we know we treated you awful and were going spend everyday for the rest of our lives making it up to you." Quinn squeezes my hand gently.
"You can't die, Rae. We just finally got you. You can't leave me now!" Brittany cries throwing herself at me and hugging me tightly. " You can't."
I smile and giggle a little at Brittany when she moves and makes room between mine and Santana's legs, laying her head in my lap. Running my fingers through her beautiful blonde hair, I hear Quinn and Santana laugh a little at the adorable blonde's actions.
"I'm not going leave you, Britt." I say gently, really hoping I don't end up hurting her, because my life has come to point where I'm not if sure why I'm still even here or if I even want to be. I am going try to fix myself, so I don't hurt Brittany, Santana, or Quinn.
"Okay." I hear Brittany say snuggling closer to me.
"Rachel, you also mentioned something cutting for a few months and something about your dad's and mother. Where else have you cut and What did you mean about your dad's and mother?" Santana asks quietly as she still rubs my stomach gently.
"I'll talk about my mother and my dad's first. Well, as you all know I met my mother last year but I never told anyone what happened. When I met her I was happy at first, because I thought I was finally going have someone in my life who cared, but that didn't happen. She didn't want me because I wasn't the little baby she gave up sixteen years go. She told me I didn't need her." I pause for a second to compose myself and to think about what I'm going tell them about my dad's. "My dad's don't want anything to do with me anymore either. They don't even live in Lima anymore, they moved to California last year and signed this house over in my name, today actually. I wasn't really surprised though. They haven't really been around since I thirteen. Now they just put money in my back account and send me birthday gifts."
"They just left you here all by yourself? Why didn't tell you anyone?" Quinn asked squeezing my hand gently.
"I didn't think anyone would care and I don't want them to get into trouble." I reply quietly looking at Quinn, who smiles at me before she brings my hand up to her mouth and kisses it.
"You should have told someone, Sweetie. We would have cared if you told us or you could have told Mr. Schue." I huff when Quinn mentions Mr. Schue. As if he would have actually cared, sure he would have done something but that's just because he needs my talent. I was about to reply when I felt Santana body shaking a little, turning my head a little I see that Santana's face was red and her eyes were almost black. I knew that look, she was pissed and about to blow, so I done the only thing I could think of. I leaned in and placing little kisses all over her face. She blinked a few times before a huge grin appeared on her face, staring into my eyes lovingly.
"S, You should see your face! It's priceless!" Quinn laughs loudly. I begin to laugh as Santana blushes mumbling something about a tiny diva is going be bad for her badassness.
"Badassness? Tana you know that's not a word right." I laugh harder as she starts to pout. " Aww, you look so adorable! Your badassness is so adorable."
As soon as those words leave my mouth both blondes laugh so hard that tears form in their eyes and Quinn almost rolls off the bed.
"I'm not adorable and my badassness is far from adorable!" Santana huffs crossing her arms over her chest pouting more. Glaring at the two blondes.
" And shut up you two!"
"Aww, is the adorable badass getting mad?" Quinn asks still laughing.
"San, you are adorable." Brittany says with a smile on her face looking at the pouting Latina behind me.
"I hate you all!" Santana says looking away from us all.
" Oh, you do huh?" I ask with a mischievous smile playing on my lips.
"Yes." She huffs out still looking away from us.
"Okay, then I guess that we'll just go downstairs without you." I shrug my shoulders and start to move when I feel a pair of strong arms wrap around my waist pulling me to them. "Thought you hated us?"
"I changed my mind." she replies and kisses my cheek causing me to laugh a little.
"And everyone thinks I'm dramatic." I say as I smile at the three cheerio.
"Funny." Santana says. " Now, baby girl you still need to answer my other question."
I was really hoping they forgot about that, but I'm never that lucky. Biting my lip nervously I try to look everywhere else but at them. I already know what their going say and ask after I tell them.
"Rach, come on talk to us. Were not going judge you." Santana says as she holds me tighter.
"I cut on my shoulders, stomach, and hips." I mumble out quickly looking down at my hands.
"How often?" Quinn asks moving closer to me.
"It's not a big deal." I reply still looking down.
"Answer the question, Rach." Santana said in hard tone.
"Like, I said it's not a big deal. I don't have a problem. I can control it if I want to, but don't!" I said a little loudly trying to move away from Santana but she wouldn't let me move. " Let me go!"
"No! not until you answer." Santana growled and hold me close to her.
"Fine! I cut once a week, maybe more depending on if I get a urge. Happy, now let me go!" I yell struggling to get away from Santana.
"Just relax Rach. Please, baby girl." Santana whispers in my ear. " We got you and were not going hurt you."
"Just let me go, Please." I cry out as my body racks with sobs, breaking down. My throat was tighten and my breathing became labored as I fought against Santana more. Quinn and Brittany grab a hold of me to trying to calm me down. "Please."
"Sweetie, you need to calm down and breath." Quinn says gently rubbing my arms soothingly.
"Baby girl, breath like me. Come on, Rach, focus on my breathing." Santana says softly pressing herself up against my back firmly so I can feel her body. My throat started to loosen up a bit as I started to calm down. " That's it baby girl."
"Is she okay?" I hear Brittany asks in a shaky voice. I hate that I'm upsetting her.
"She'll be ok, Britt." Quinn tells Brittany gently as I feel her squeezing my hand again. It sounded like she was trying to convince herself more then Brittany.
"If I let you go, Baby girl, you won't move, right?" Santana whispers against my ear. Nodding my head I took a deep breath, relaxing my body more as Santana loosens her grip on my waist. I hated this feeling of feeling so trapped and lost.
"I'm sorry." I say quietly looking up at the trio, who had tears in their eyes. The looks on their faces were like kicks to stomach, they were all to beautiful to be crying especially over me. I'm not worth it.
"You have nothing to be sorry for sweetie." Quinn smiles a little at me and squeezes my hand again. " Were going help you get through this, Ok?"
"Your stuck with us now, Baby girl." Santana kisses my head and hugs me gently.
"Now we get to show you how much we love you, Rae. Take you on dates, cook you food, well San and Quinn will cook for you because I'm not allowed to touch the stove, and we can take you to feed the ducks. The ducks are so cute!" Brittany says excitedly as her face lights up talking about the ducks in the park. I smile and giggle at the tall blonde who is bouncing up and down on my bed a little as she begs Santana to go to the park tomorrow.
" We'll go Britt. That is if Rach will go to." Santana tells Brittany laughing lightly. Brittany squeals happily and looks at me.
"You'll go to right, Rae? You have to!" Brittany pouts at me. She looks so adorable pouting and right then I know I'm never going be able to say no to her, ever.
"of course, Britt." I smile at her. Brittany claps her hands and bounces up and down on the bed more.
"Yay!" Brittany yells.
"She's going have Rachel whipped in record time." Quinn giggles.
"I think your right, Q." Santana laughs as she started to rub my stomach again. " You know Baby girl, you agreed to go feed the ducks faster then me and Q."
"That's because I'm not mean." I say jokingly. Quinn and Santana both gasp at me before they lightly push me causing me to laugh.
"My pout never fails!" Brittany grinned. Yep, I'm never going be able to say no to girl, but I really don't mind as long as she keep smiling like that.
"I need to go clean up the kitchen." I say remembering the popcorn I left in the bowl and microwave earlier.
"I'll clean it up for you later, ok? How about we just relax and watch some TV. It's starting to get late." Santana says as she lays down more and pulls me closer.
"Okay." I smile feeling Santana kiss the back of my neck. I look over at Quinn and point to the stand behind her. " The remote is in the top drawer, Quinn."
She nods and moves to get the remote handing it to me, before her and Brittany lay down cuddling. I smile at them, turning the TV looking for something to watch. Settling on some cartoon Brittany wanted to watch. After about fifteen minutes of watching the TV, I started to feel tired today really took a lot out me. I know tomorrow is going be long to, because I'm still going have to talk about everything. It's going be hard to do, I'm so scared of letting them in completely. My heart wants to let them in, but my mind is telling me not to trust them because I could end up getting hurt worse. I look around at the trio as they watch the TV and I couldn't help but to feel safe and happy for once. Yawning, I snuggle closer to Santana and close my eyes and letting sleep over take me, knowing that this is where I belong. I belong with them and I'm willing to risk what's left of me to be with them.
Next chapter I'm thinking should be in Santana's POV or Quinn's...let me know what you think