Author's note: thank you everyone for the reviews, I really appreciate them a lot.

Chapter Nine: Regrets And Wonders

She still had many things to do, or at least according to the list Maura had written her down in the morning before leaving for work: laundry, ironing, gardening, cleaning.

But there she was, now. Staring at the kimono top she had found on top of a shelf in their walk-in closet. She had almost forgotten it, why and when she had bought it. But suddenly, everything seemed to rush back to her mind with a bitterness she had a hard time to handle.

She needed to speak. She needed to confide in someone about their failed trial. Yet she could not do that. Apart from Lisa and Guadalupe, nobody knew about it and both girls were now on their honeymoon on the other side of the world. No. She would have to go through all of this alone. Or so. Maura was there – of course – but Jane didn't dare to allude to it with her; too afraid it might open back a wound that hadn't closed entirely yet.

It wasn't a miscarriage. Technically, they hadn't lost anything. It just hadn't worked out. Once and what was one trial in someone's life? Absolutely nothing. Perhaps they had rushed into it and started fantasizing as if everything had been certain when it hadn't been the case. Here's a lesson for you to keep in mind, Riz'. Next time, don't skip any stage of life. Or else you'll pay it back.

A lump began to form in her throat as her fingers travel up the tiny piece of clothing. On the verge of crying, she took a deep breath and rolled her eyes. She had to stop being dramatic, it was ridiculous and it didn't help anyone. Her role in all of this was to remain cheerful, caring with Maura who had gone through the most difficult part if she had to be honest. The Italian had been rather passive, supportive but still. She hadn't suffered from the hormonal cocktail transforming her body. She hadn't endured the pain of the insemination. Instead, she had just watched how Maura handled it. Disarmed, feeling almost pointless.

"Does it belong to TJ? If so it must be a very old one because this wouldn't fit him anymore... He's a big boy, now."

Her mother's voice took her out of her painful – quiet – daydreams. But instead of putting the kimono top back on the shelf as if nothing had happened, Jane decided to face it.

Properly.

Openly.

"No. It isn't his." Plain words. Bare. "Actually, it belongs to nobody." Harsh terms. True.

Confused, Angela frowned – made a few steps in the room – and crossed her arms against her chest. "Then what are you doing with a newborn's top?"

Jane shrugged and neatly folded the piece of clothing before biting her lower lip, lost between her urge to open to someone and the pact she had made with Maura to not talk to it with any person they knew before being sure it had worked out. But the silence – way too heavy – only got her mother worried.

Angela's hand brushed her daughter's shoulder, with all the care in the world. "What is going on, Jane? I can see that you are not fine. Why won't you talk to me?"

"What are you doing here?" And you, Riz', why do you feel the urge to be so harsh towards your mother who is being utterly sweet? Why?

"It is my day off as well so I thought we could have lunch together. I'll invite you. We haven't done something like that since... Forever! I want to try this new Italian restaurant in Back Bay. Reviews are very good but you know how I am: there are no better gnocchi than the Rizzoli's until I have been proven the exact opposite!"

The remark made Jane laugh quietly. The invitation was sweet, she couldn't turn her mother down. It wouldn't have been fair at all. Besides, it might have been all what she needed in the end. A bit of fresh air, far from the house.

"Alright. Give me five minutes so I change into something more appropriate."

The comment made Angela chuckle. Hands on her hips, she shook her head at her daughter and smiled brightly. "Why do you want to change? You are perfect as you are, Janie... Living with Maura is surely influencing your wardrobe habits, I see."

…

"Are you happy?"

The question took her completely aback. Fork in the air - lasagna hanging precariously on top of it – Jane frowned at her mother's question and blinked. "Why are you asking that?"

The matriarch shrugged and cast a glance at the room as if to make sure that nobody would overhear them.

Reassured, she bent over and sighed loudly. "Because you look sad, like lost in your thoughts. And as usual, you don't let anyone get close to them. Not even Maura."

Wait. Was the honey blonde behind this whole lunch thing? Behind this mother/daughter moment?

"Has Maura suggested you such a thing?" Fair question, yet slightly out of place. Paranoid.

"No! And to be honest, she looks as sad as you. But you don't show it. You two keep on doing your stuff – the salsa classes, the yoga – but it's like something vanished. That's why I ask. I'm worried... Sadly, I know about failed marriages. And I don't want any of you to go through it. Nobody, as a matter of fact. Nobody deserves it."

Jane smiled and – while chewing on her lasagna – grabbed her mother's hand to press it tight. "Merengue, not salsa... And Maura and I are doing just fine. We are not having any couple crisis. Actually, I cannot even remember the last time we bickered about something."

False. Earlier in the morning when the honey blonde had tried to convince her to use soja instead of real butter. But still, it wasn't an argument either. Just a little teasing.

"Then what is it? Why do you look so sad?"

Uncertain, Jane looked aside and pursed her lips; wrinkled her nose. Nope. She couldn't do that. She might have been regretting the rules – somehow, to an extent – she still couldn't do that. It would have been a betrayal towards Maura. And that was out of the question.

"I'm sorry, ma', but I can't tell you now. You will end up knowing about it, I mean I hope so... But in the meantime, deal with the fact I won't tell you more about it. And don't try to get any more information from Maura. Just... Please, just respect our silence. For once."

At least she had been honest, as much as the situation allowed her to be. But it didn't reassure Angela much. On the contrary. The matriarch put down her fork and shook her head.

Now she was worried. Really worried.

"Are you two okay? Nobody is sick, right? You would tell me if you or Maura wasn't fine?"

Eye roll. "Why do you have to be such a drama queen, ma'?"

"Because my kids won't tell me anything so, of course, I imagine the worst. That's how we mothers work. You'll see when you have your cown hildren. You'll see how it is."

The remark hurt Jane more than it annoyed her. Angela couldn't have guessed but her words had rubbed the knife in. Too much, too easily. Drowning the pain in her beer, the brunette took her time before replying. She needed to find the courage to talk without her voice to break down suddenly.

"We are fine, and healthy. Nobody is sick, nobody is secretly dying, nobody is thinking about getting a divorce. I am happily married and... And I actually have never felt so lucky. Maura's the best thing that ever happened to me. I..."

Jane blushed. The words had slid on her lips before she had a chance to realize their meaning. She had never been very talkative when it came to her feelings, even less towards a woman. As a matter of fact, she hadn't confessed about her being attracted to both sexes until she had broken the news about Maura and her.

Could love change someone so easily? So drastically?

If so then she hoped that they would overcome the harsh disappointment of their failed trial. And soon. If only because it was harder and harder to live with this sentiment of drowning in an ocean of silence. She was paying the price for all these secrets she had imposed to herself; a heavy price, emotionally exhausting. And it wasn't that she regretted it but maybe if they had to do it all over again, she wouldn't decide to be so secretive.

Her cell phone vibrated. Barely excusing herself – somewhat glad to escape from the talk – she grabbed it out of her pocket and opened the message Maura had sent.

I got Coco Loco's appointment at the vet for 6pm.

Please make sure he doesn't eat after 4pm...

Love you

M.

Ugh. And another task to add to her list. The most difficult one. Coco Loco seemed to have developed a tendency to eat everything he found on his path; including Bass' freaking rare leaves. To the point he had put on weight. A lot.

Not even able to control the diet of a cat and you want a child... The road is long, Rizzoli. The road is definitely long.

"Who is it?"

Alright... I'll only let him chew on your Prada shoes

Love you too

J.

Jane sent the message – put her phone down on the table – then looked up at her mother as a smirk played on her lips in anticipation to the honey blonde's reply. "Maura... Being all wife and bossy on me."