Disclaimer- I don't own Negima.

Jerkfaces. Thank you, Sandanio and michaluna, for reviewing. The rest of you go to dark place under all of us where Satan pokes people with pitchforks. That's right, my basement.

This is actually one of my favorite chapters. I had a lot of fun writing it, and I waited until after my birthday to post it cause you guys are jerkfaces. Enjoy, assholes.

"What's the most extreme thing that's happened to you because of love?" asked Konoka, Chamo sleeping peacefully on her shoulder.

"The most extreme thing?" repeated Al, thinking. "That's easy."

"What is it? You're probably a sappy romantic at the core, right?" asked Chisame saucily.

"What, like you?" snarked Asuna, sparking a cat-fight between the two.

"It was around the turn of the first millennium, and I was well-known as a philosopher...the trouble all started when I started tutoring a young girl named Heloise..."

"Oh, Peter," sighed Heloise. "You know I love you, but this isn't proper...you can't really be suggesting that we marry...you know I should get to a nunnery."

"Dearest," replied Al, secretly wishing she would get her ass to a nunnery. "Marry me. We'll say the baby was premature. The heathens around us can't count anyway. We'll be fine, just trust me."

"But...it's lying." Heloise turned the big, blue eyes that had seduced him in the first place towards him.

"Sometimes you have to lie in order to protect those you love," pleaded Al. "Put your faith in me and marry me, darling. We'll be happy."

"You always go on so many trips...do don't have another women there, do you?" She toyed with the ribbons on his obscenely girly tunic.

He couldn't very well admit the truth, that she was completely right, and not only had another women but several (including running several brothels in Rome), so he laughed and denied the claim. "I would never do something like that. I'm not that kind of man. I love you, darling."

"I know..." sighed Heloise happily. "You're the best man a woman could ever had. You're manlier than anyone."

Famous last words. If Albireo had known what he did now, he probably would've stuffed those words right back down her throat.

"Peter Abelard."

Albireo's eyes slid over to his veranda. Who was calling him? They were calling for him, right? He'd had so many names he couldn't remember anymore.

"Or should I say...Albireo Imma?" said the voice spitefully.

Yep, that was him.

"I've put up half a dozen tri-fold barriers around this room. I'd like to see even you get out of this one."

Shit. A mage, and a good one too.

The man strode over to his bed, a malicious grin on his face. He was quite handsome, especially for the unwashed barbarians of the day. Albireo would do him.

The mage pulled an old knife out of his belt, swinging it around playfully. "Just try to get out of that bed. I've spent the last ten years perfecting a spell that would hold the infamous Playboy of Tempe Terra."

Al winced. He knew that would come back to haunt him some day.

The man's eyebrow twitched. "I've waited so long for this opportunity...and lo and behold, a help wanted poster for an assassin to perform a very special task. And whose face was on the poster but you? Your handsome mug hasn't changed one bit."

"Thank you," managed Al, hoping they would get it over with and kill him quickly.

The man's face took on a maniacal expression. "I may have been hired by Heloise's uncle to do this, but trust me, I'm very compliant. Finally, a chance to get revenge! My life was ruined because of you! My father left because of you! It's all your fault!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about..."

"Don't deny it," growled the man. "Don't you remember? Ten years ago you blew through Tempes and impregnated every single women? You don't remember?"

"Oh, now I do. I most certainly know what you're talking about," laughed Al nervously. He didn't like the look of that knife.

"You got my mother and all three of my sisters pregnant in the course of a week! In one week you impregnated over four hundred women! Because of you my father left us and my mother had twins! Two more siblings and three nephews in nine months!"

"It's not my fault their menstrual cycles were linked..." protested Al weakly. "I have strong sperm!"

The knife edged closer to him. "Watch it," snarled the man, who Al decided to nickname Tom. "Don't push your luck. I know who you are. Killing you won't do you any good. I'm going to make you suffer."

Al couldn't help it, he continued to argue his case. "All the midwives in the area must've had loads of business."

"No," said Tom through gritted teeth. "They were pregnant."

"Oh," squeaked Al.

Al noticed with horror that the knife was not creeping toward his throat, but rather, another area of his body.

Al made one last point. "If you remember, I donated two million drachma to your village for the welfare of the village."

"It's a good thing you did, because all the men left their wives that year."

"They're the ones who cheated."

Tom grinned gleefully. "On the order of Heloise's uncle, who apparently doesn't have a name, I happily carry out the order to prevent you from ever having another child."

"...No." denied Al. He flat-out denied it. Tom had to be joking. Even this man couldn't be that cruel...right?

Albireo summoned every bit of magic he had in his arsenal, only to discover that it had all been sealed. He really wished he was a light sleeper right about then. He was going to learn to be better at defensive spells. He really must've been slacking off lately. "Have mercy..." he pleaded.

"This was born of your own carelessness," reminded Tom. "If you had taken proper precautions you could've easily taken me out. I'm no match for you in a fair fight. No one is."

He reached over and undid the tie on Albireo's pants. Albireo kicked out at him. "A man has to ask before he takes off my pants," winked Al, hoping this man had repressed sexual tension.

Tom made a face. "The rumors are true, you'll do it with anything that moves. Wow...I see why all the women fell for you. You have a very proud specimen there."

"I'd like to keep it." said Al, his smile grim. He was going to shut up and take this like a man. After all, he was guilty of the accused "crimes".

"We'd all like many things," replied Tom. "But the world doesn't work like that. One last thing: this knife is rusty, so this might take a while."

Albireo Imma was a lot of things. He was a fighter and a lover, a partaker of the finer things in life, a scholar, and a great man. But there is no man so great that he doesn't cry when his penis is cut off with a rusty knife. No one is that strong. Albireo would forever remember this and his own personal hell- his hazy memories of it consisted of lots of pain, screaming, and blood everywhere.

So, so much blood.

"I'm afraid I have to leave you, Heloise."

Al fidgeted uncomfortably, the bandages woven tightly around his crotch chafing. It took all he had to around normally only a few weeks after the Incident (as Albireo had taken to calling it). After he'd managed to staunch the bleeding and incapacitate Tom (whose real name was apparently Ryuuji Theodora Alois Copernicus Weasley) he'd stumbled off for medical attention. He knew off a monastery that treated odd injuries, no questions asked. He'd regained some of his magic and decided to punish Tom by charming his hair away and turning his penis permanently bright pink. He couldn't bring himself to harming the man further, as Albireo really couldn't blame him, although that didn't stop him from being tempted to wring Tom's neck.

"Why?" cried Heloise, wringing her pretty hands. "My uncle told me that he threatened you, but that shouldn't be enough to send you running! What about the baby?"

Albireo handed her a thick wad of bills. "I'll send you that much every month," he informed her. "I'll still take care of you."

"Where will you go?"

"I'm joining a monastery." confessed Al, who was going to spend the next fifteen years or so regrowing his penis, as Tom had taken it along as a trophy, and he couldn't just reattach it.

"But...why?" sobbed Heloise. Al felt bad, and drew her in for a hug. She clutched at his shoulder, putting her weight on him. He nearly cried himself, as Heloise had unintentionally rubbed herself on his crotch.

"Heliose..." he croaked. "I'm sorry." He took her delicate hand and drew it to his groin, where she could feel his genitals, or rather his lack of them. The horror he felt was reflected in her eyes.

"My uncle did this, didn't he?" she whispered. "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry!"

"It's fine," he reassured, although things were most certainly not fine. "I'll live."

"But...your manhood!"

"You don't need manhood to become a monk."

"I'll become a nun!" she proclaimed. "I will suffer with you!"

He embraced her again, wishing with all his heart that he had never met this stupid women. Love was overrated.

He cradled her face in his hands. "Darling...I'll write."

The girls just stared at him, their innocent eyes wide with shock.

"You got four hundred women pregnant?" asked Konoka, her eyes sparkling with an odd mischief.

"High five!" offered Chamo, raising a paw. Al daintily gave him a high five.

"Yes...it was one of my less fertile periods." admitted Al.

"Less fertile?" repeated Asuna, still in shock.

Chisame jumped to her feet. "That's not the problem here! The problem is that you wre castrated! Dude, didn't that hurt?"

"Yes," nodded Al unhappily. "A lot, actually. Very painful. Thought I was going to bleed out."

"Don't you care?"

"Well, it was nine hundred years ago," pointed out Al. "That's a long time."

Chisame shivered. "I'm a chick, and I can feel the pain. And you were a douche to Heloise, cheating on her like that."

"It was a more than one women world," shrugged Al. "I wasn't a great man back then. Besides, she was needy."

"You're such a dick. Good thing, 'cause you didn't have one!" yelled Chisame, dragging the others with her. Chamo jumped off Konoka and stayed for tea.

"I wonder where I went wrong..." pondered Al, honestly confused.

Chamo rolled his eyes.

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