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Chapter Thirteen: Haumea

"I am expecting a girl."

The smile that spread on Guadalupe's lips shamefully hurt Maura. Would she ever be able to live herself the happiness that her friend was currently experiencing? A cloud of doubts had decided to remain there and float above the question, shortening her nights and swallowing her dreams through a whirl of pain. Unable to speak – unsure of what she was supposed to say – the honey blonde smiled back. Sincerely though.

But not really troubled by such reaction from her friend, the painter bit her lip and blushed; unable to hide the joy that was emanating from her eyes. "We will name her Haumea who is the Hawaiian deity of fertility."

Haumea. The name resounded loud in Maura's head, every single syllable embracing a whole to make sense. Strongly. Haumea wasn't just pretty. It was also very symbolical.

A lot more than what Maura could apparently handle because – without any warning – tears began to roll up her eyes and she burst into cries. Helplessly. Ridiculously enough in the cafe where she and Guadalupe had chosen to share a tea. The painter blinked – taken aback by her friend's reaction – but finally rushed to her side to take her in her arms.

"What's going on? Maura, what's happening?"

The scientist shrugged. She couldn't talk, her sobs being too strong for that. The weight that had been pressing on her heart for a long time seemed to have found an escape but as hitting the air it was suddenly turning into tears. Bitter, painful ones.

"Maura, look at me. Hey..." Guadalupe broke the embrace and cupped the blonde's face with her hands to force her to look up. She didn't look lost but atrociously worried. "Talk to me... What's wrong? What is it?"

…

She heard the door get slammed but didn't move. Curled up on the couch – staring blankly at the television – Maura frowned and tried to calm her heartbeats. She didn't want to face it. She didn't want to talk about it. Yet she knew that at some point, Jane would allude to it. She didn't like guessing but it was obvious that Guadalupe had let the Italian know about it. Such meltdown didn't go without consequences.

But right now, Maura wanted nothing but to be left alone. In her bubble of pain.

Without a word, Jane sat on the couch – ran her tongue over her lips – and took a deep breath before locking her eyes with Maura's. But not a single word hit the air.

She couldn't talk as a lump had formed in her throat but she knew that they had to. Somehow.

"I am terrified."

Against all expectations, Maura's voice rose loud and clear in the room; highlighting all the doubts she had. Oddly, these got mixed with a brand new courage and she shook her head vehemently.

"I don't know if I will be able to face another fail. I... What if it happens? What if it does not work, one more time?"

Something crumbled on Jane's face but the brunette hid it right away. Then – with a stupid stubbornness – she simply shrugged away Maura's statement. "It will work out. And if it doesn't then we can try again. If you don't want to try again then I can do it. And if it fails with me then we still have adoption. I'm as scared as you are of another fail but... Gosh we are healthy, Maur'. Healthy and relatively young. With a thousand plans in mind. We will manage to get it, one way or another. Together. And we will be happy. I promise you we will."

"It didn't work for my mother..."

Constance's revelation had never really stopped haunting Maura's mind. She had told Jane about it right as they had retreated to their own bedroom after the party. It was not a detail but something more that she had to share. But the day after, she hadn't dared to ask more to her mother about it. Too afraid it would hurt her.

She regretted it, now. Perhaps it would have helped her.

"You aren't biologically related, Maura. If the biological part has anything to do with it in the first place."

The scientist looked down. Jane was right. But sadly it didn't result enough to reassure her the slightest bit. No. As much as she tried, it was there on her chest and prevented her from living properly. From having dreams and hopes.

"What are you afraid of exactly, Maura? Even using more natural ways, women don't always get pregnant so easily. There is nothing wrong about it. It is the way it works. What is it?"

The honey blonde closed her eyes. She didn't know it herself. It laid deeper, at a level she had a hard time to reach and understand.

"I won't leave you if this is what you are afraid of. I won't do that. Just because we wouldn't have a child doesn't mean I would leave your or feel disappointed in you. I love you. I do."

Maura frowned. Was it what she feared? Had Jane found the right spot, source of her fears? She looked aside and realized that Jo Friday – Bass – and Coco Loco had settled nearby and were now looking at them with a disturbing attention. We are not going through a crisis, guys. There is no need to look at us like that.

Unless they were going through a crisis and she hadn't even realized that.

Uncertain, Maura swallowed hard and shook her head in the hope such thoughts would go away immediately to never come back. Except she had forgotten that Jane was there and the brunette mistook her gesture completely.

"No? What no? You don't believe me when I tell you that I love you? Maura! What let you... What let you think such thing regarding me? What did I do that you came to think that...?"

Frown. Back to reality. The medical examiner shook her head anew but for fairer reasons this time around.

"No... I mean, of course I trust you. I guess... I guess it is just me, and my background. Family schemes have never been a real success to me so far... And now that, as if I weren't doubting enough about the rest. I... I am... Perhaps a potential maternity opened back wounds I hadn't taken time to make disappear properly."

Jane blinked. The explanation made sense but she wasn't sure about the conclusions coming from it. She swallowed hard, took a deep breath.

"Do you mean you want to stop? Do you mean you aren't ready for it? Do you mean... Do you mean you don't want it?"

"No!"

At least Maura's reply – coming fast – tended to reassure Jane but it didn't solve anything either. On the contrary.

"Then what?"

The honey blonde frowned and looked down. "Nothing... I just hope that my unsteady steps into maternity will find balance thanks to your presence by my side."

Jane smiled. Perhaps Maura hadn't done it on purpose but this was a touching compliment. A powerful declaration of love that she would never forget. Cupping her wife's face, she locked her dark eyes into these hazel ones she would recognize anywhere.

"You will be a wonderful mother, Maura. And you know why? Because of your doubts that prove how much you care about the future of a child."

The scientist offered a pale smile to Jane and nodded.

Haumea. The deity of fertility. She hadn't stopped thinking about it all day long to the point it had turned into an obsession. Perhaps that was the problem in the first place. She was too obsessed with it and had created herself a necessity to succeed when it didn't even depend on her own will. On Monday, she would get another insemination. And then the result.

Why did it have to be binary? Life wasn't about being binary, it wasn't always black or white. It was not how it worked most of the time so why being so cruel now?

"How about I prepare us a bath? Something nice, and relaxing. Just for you and me."

Maura nodded and let the ghost of a smile embrace her features; a light one. "You are sweet."

Jane chuckled - stood up - and adjusted her shirt. "Yeah well... Keep that for yourself. Sweetie Janie doesn't have to become trendy at the BPD."

Maura stood up as well and followed her wife to the first floor, passing an arm around her waist and planting a kiss on her cheek. She needed the contact more than anything. "Then you are just mine. My sweet Jane..."