The python opened his bloodshot eyes and was met with a new experience. The mother of all headaches. He groaned in pain as he tried to avoid using any sudden movements. Even the low buzzing sound he could hear stung. He could barely even move. But it didn't stop him from realising where he was. His room at the Jade palace. It was morning. Had he slithered back here? He couldn't remember. If he did, he hoped that nobody had seen him. Although he didn't have to wait long to know the answer as his door opened to reveal an angry green snake. Viper.
"Uhhh... Hello"? Mike spoke, unsure what it was he had done wrong to see her mad at him. As far as he was concerned, she was always mad at him. She sighed, putting her tail between her eyes to sooth herself before speaking.
"I could imagine Mantis getting drunk. But you, one of the more sensible warriors, decide to heed his advice and get just as drunk"!
Mike's eyes widened. She knew. She continued.
"Myself and Crane had to try and find you two in the valley and there you were drinking in a pub"!
Mike shut his eyes unsure what to think or say. He had never gotten drunk before, and now here Viper was telling him that he had. He had every right to feel embarrassed.
"I didn't have too much to drink Vipes. I doubt I was that drunk"... He tried calming her down.
"You grabbed Crane and tried throwing him at a passing pig villager while yelling Angry Birds"!
"... Oh. Maybe I was that drunk then"... Mike mumbled, placing his tail over his head as though thinking it might soothe the headache. "What on earth did I do"? He asked half rhetorical, half serious. Viper made sure to tell him. And in great detail too.
"When I and Crane found you, you were"...
...
TEN HOURS AGO
Viper had asked Crane to see if he could help her find Mike and Mantis down in the village. Mike had explained to her that he and Mantis were doing some late night patrolling earlier but something seemed off about the way he said it. As though he was trying to cover something up. Not to mention that Mantis was rather happy. He hated night patrols. The pair of them were hiding something and she was going to find out what.
The two of them marched though out the whole of town. No sight of the two. Even when Crane tried to spot them from a birds eye view above. She hoped that the two were okay, but still she felt a little annoyed that Mike, of all people, would possibly lie to her. If he had, he'd better have had a good reason to have done so for his sake. The only thing she could think of doing now was checking the still open public buildings. Eventually, it ended with the two of them stepping inside the Silver Yuan.
The place was packed. Goats, geese, pigs and rabbits owned the bar as they sat round tables talking amongst themselves in loud voices. To Viper, the place was a mad house. She ignored the ongoing commotion and made her way up to the counter, trying to get the barkeepers attention.
"Ev'nin there lass. What can ah do yeh for"?
"Hello. I was wondering if you have seen the whereabouts of Masters Mike and Mantis"? She asked politely. The old goat chuckled and simply pointed to the furthest table in the corner. There she saw Mike with his head on the table with half closed eyes while Mantis was trying to talk to a picture of a snow leopard mounted on the wall.
"Figures". Crane deadpanned, expecting this sort of thing from Mantis. Viper on the other hand was near horrified at the fact that Mike had been drinking. He should have been smarter than this. She made no hesitation to slither up to the table and gently rock his head back and forth. There may have been the possibility that he was just tired.
"Mike, sweety"? She asked gently. "Are you okay"?
Mike's eyes slowly turned to her and immediately widened upon seeing who was speaking to him. He raised his head and gave a large, yet disturbing smile at Viper.
"VIPER"! He exclaimed happily. "What'chu doin here"? He slurred loudly before hugging the snake in front of him. Viper smelled the air sensing the alcohol on his breath and noticed an empty bottle just sitting on the table.
"Mike, has someone been drinking"? She asked in a worried tone, hoping that he would say someone else's name instead of his own. However the response was not what she was expecting. Mike instantly broke the hug and looked at her with a hurt expression.
"Drinking? Viper! I have not seen you for the last three hours! And the second I see you, the first words that come into your mind is drinking"! He snapped, somewhat making a big deal out of it. "Being an alcoholic is a very serious thing young lady"! He wagged his tail right in her face in which she was forced to lean back to avoid being hit by it.
"Mike". Crane stepped forward. "She meant if YOU have been drinking". No need to ask the same thing to Mantis as he was now kissing the same painting he had been talking up.
"Oh. Yeah four glasses". Mike shrugged like it was no big deal.
"WHAT"? The pair yelled, one shocked, the other near furious. Mike waved his tail again and shook his head.
"Guys. Guys guys guys guys guys. GUYS! I assu- I assure you... That I's is perfeckly fine". He hiccuped. "Watch I'll proves it".
Mike raised his head and was going to simply slither to one side of the room and back without wobbling all over the place. Though he misjudged the distance from the chair to the wooden floor as he leapt head first into it with a loud clunk. Mantis heard it and rushed from the picture to Mike's side, shaking his head in a worried state. He wasn't unconscious, just hurt.
"MIKE? Buddy? Speak to me! What happened"?
"He just hit his head on the floor"! Crane spoke almost as worried in case Mike had seriously hurt himself. Mantis bcame quickly angry and stared down, pointing one of his pointy dealies at the floor.
"JUST WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, HUH"!? He yelled at the floor. "Mess with the python, you mess with me"! He snapped before clawing at the floor doing little damage to it.
Crane pulled Viper to the side, leaving Mantis to do as he pleased to the defenseless floor.
"Viper, we need to get these two back to the Jade palace and into their beds before Shifu learns of this".
"Agreed. I'll take Mike, you help Mantis".
The two turned back to the two drunks. Mantis still attacked the floor in a blind fury while Mike just watched in interest at the ongoing fight between the bug and the floorboards. Viper stepped forward and placed her tail on Mike's back, getting his attention as he turned round quizzically to look at Viper.
"Mike, we need to get you home. Will you let me take you back to the Jade palace"?
"Yeah yeah yeah. Sure thing Vipes. Just gimme a minute". He turned his attention back to the aggresive insect before claiming. "I got ten yuan on the floor".
Viper rolled her eyes before dragging Mike away. His eyes remained on Mantis until Crane picked Mantis up. It was a shame that he wasn't as easily persuaded as Mike was as he tried to wrestle himself out of Crane's grip.
"Wait! Don't take me from my true love"! He yelled, forgetting all about the floor and focused back on the picture he had been making out with. "Crane, stop! Jus-BABY GIRL, WRITE TO ME"! Was his last words after being forcefully escorted out of the pub. Though the journey home wasn't any easier.
"Hey, Vipes. Wanna hear a secret"? Mike slurred as Viper helped him from falling.
"What"? Viper asked gently.
Mike looked round side to side, acting suspiciously before gesturing for Viper to lean in. Viper played along and did what he asked and cautiously leaned in further and further until Mike was satisfied with the closed distance between the two. He took one last look around before pronouncing something important to him.
"I'M BATMAN"! He yelled at a loud, yet low pitched voice before laughing like a maniac. The sudden volume forced Viper to flinch before sighing, unsure of who this bat man was. Truth be she didn't really care one bit. The only positive thing that she had learned was that Mike was a happy drunk.
However, that wasn't entirely true as things got worse a couple of minutes later as the crazed laughter turned to silence as Mike grew serious once again. His eyes were narrowed and he looked to be staring at something off in the distance. Viper noticed the unusual silence and followed his eyes to where Mike was looking. It turned out he was glaring at a pig villager off in the distance, about thirty feet away. Although what he was doing to receive such a hateful glare from Mike she didn't know. As far as she could tell, the villager was just taking a walk around the village, past the Jade palace stairs.
"Mike, why are you"-
Any further words were cut off as Mike quickly put his tail to her mouth and shushed her. He looked back to the pig villager and just observed him to see what he was doing.
"Mike, could you please"-
"Sssshh. Shhhhhh! SSSSSHHHHH"! Was her response as Mike hushed her rather hastily, nearly drenching the poor serpent in saliva. There was no point of arguing with the drunk just yet so Viper decided to keep silent for now but kept a careful eye on the python, just in case. For the time being he kept his eyes on the pig until at last, he spoke.
"Wait here".
Before Viper could argue, Mike slithered quickly over to Crane from behind and before even Viper could ask what he was doing, or even stop him in time, he grabbed Crane and held him up into the air against his own will. Mantis fell to the ground and landed with a soft thump as he slept.
"Hey! What are you"- Crane squawked.
"ANGRY BIRDS ARE A GO"! Mike yelled out and threw Crane directly at the villager just before Viper tackled him to the ground in a late effort to stop him. Thankfully Crane was able to gain control of his unexpected flight and barely dodged the villager by gliding to the right in time and instead smacking into the Jade palace stairs from behind him. His head rested on the ground while his talons dangled down. One second was all it took for him to fall down and roll onto his back. The pig began to run back the way he had just came in fear that bandits were attacking. Mike wasn't having any of that.
"He's getting away"! He snapped as he tried chasing the pig down, though he was unable to break Vipers grip on him, no matter how hard he struggled. "I'LL GET YOU YET PIG! ONE OF THESE DAYS I'LL FIND THOSE GOLDEN EGGS YOU'VE HIDDEN"! He yelled at the now empty street.
Viper was glad that She and Crane were the only ones around. Anyone else and she was certain that she would die of embarrassment right there, right now. She'd be just to give Mike a serious talk in the morning, but for now, she managed to apprehend him and continued to pull him up the stairs. Crane was able to pull himself off of the ground, glared at the python as he passed him, and walked back over to where he had just been thrown to retrieve the still sleeping bug, thankful that Mantis was a heavy sleeper.
By the time Mike had gotten up to the top of the stairs, with some help, he looked round the area, accidentally swaying side to side a couple of times and wore a goofy grin on his face. Goodness only knows what he was thinking of doing. He looked back down the stairs. He had seemingly forgotten all about the pig villager and stopped dead in his tracks, nearly causing Viper to lean forwards as she kept a hold of him in case he was planning on doing something stupid again.
"Almost there". She muttered to herself angrily before turning back to Mike, giving him another kind look. "Come on Mike, we're almost home. Let's go".
Mike seemed to ignore her as he moved onto a different subject. He seemed to be rather focused on the stairs for a moment. It was clear to Viper that he was going to suggest something either stupid or dangerous. Turns out it was both.
"Hey Vipes. Betchu I can jump down all these lil steps in one leap". He smiled at his overconfidence. Viper began to worry and was quick to interject.
"No Mike. I will not allow you to hurt yourself like this". She snapped, pulling the python toward her so that he would face her, to see how serious she was. Mike scoffed and ignored it.
"Come come now Viper... Any- thing is possible if you just believe". He slurred, turning his attention back to the steps. Viper had half a mind to let him do just that. Then again, what would Shifu say? No, she had a responsibility to look after her friends, and in this case boyfriend, and that was what she would do. Instead, she grabbed Mike just before he tried slithering off and begun dragging his sorry behind to the barracks.
"Vipes..."?
"Yes"?
"Tanks for watchin over me"... Mike spoke with a drowsy smile before he quickly fell asleep, unable to stay awake any longer.
After she finally got Mike into the bed, Viper decided to spend the night with Tigress. She was tired, and rather annoyed. But at least it was all over. She just hoped that Crane was managing to handle Mantis just as well before she decided to fall asleep.
...
PRESENT
If Mikes head could sink any lower, it would be going through the floorboards. His mouth was dry and the headache would not go away. The fact that he had gone and made a complete ass out of himself did not help the situation either. He had just heard the last of Vipers story and buried his head in the pillow before him. He could only imagine that Mantis was just in as bad a state as he was. The only difference was that Mike had someone to remind him of it. If only he hadn't taken that glass of wine to spare the old goats feelings. Turns out there WAS such a thing as being too polite.
"Sorry". He spoke softly. His word was slightly muffled as he spoke into the pillow, unable to look Viper in the eye. However when Viper spoke up, her voice was not as angry as he had expected it to. It was still there, but it wasn't as bad as when she first slithered in.
"Look, Mike. Don't worry about it too much. I know you're usually more sensible than this so I'll forgive you this once. But you owe me after everything last night".
Mike shook his head up and down to show that he understood and listened as Viper slithered out of the room. Though before she did, Mike could hear her stop for a second.
"Also, I'd recommend skipping breakfast". She spoke in a matter-o-fact tone before leaving Mike on his own.
Eventually Mike found the strength to lift his head up from the soft pillow and slowly raised his head to the half open door. He was hoping that Viper hadn't said anything about this to Shifu or his life would have been over. He would just have to be careful around him. Especially since he had that important speech to give.
Twenty minutes was all it took for Shifu to call them over to the hall of heroes. Mike had barely enough time to wash himself before following everyone else over to the large building. As he stood next to Monkey, he watched Shifu take his place before them. Even for a snake, Mikes posture was barely bent forwards and he seemed to have a small bit of trouble staying upright once or twice. Luckily for him nobody seemed to notice. Mike looked to the left and found Mantis in the same sorry state that he was in. Lucky for the bug that he was nowhere near him. Yet.
"As you all know, after the defeat of the infamous warlord Fennu"... Shifu began. Mike wished he hadn't said that because Monkey gave him a near gentle pat on the back which almost sent Mike on a collision course to the floor. "The Emperor has reported that his forces are now en route to flush out the last remaining soldiers who still reside at the Galadriel gates. For now our services no longer stretch outside the boundaries of the Valley of peace. Which is why I feel it is for the best for all of us that a short break is required".
Everyone seemed surprised at the sudden and unusual generosity of their master. Everyone smiled at the idea, well, except for Tigress who looked somewhat crestfallen at the idea of "Taking a break". Though she did her best not to let her master sense her disappointment.
"How long for"? Monkey spoke out of the blue, raising his hand in the air like a schoolchild answering a teachers question.
"As long as you return to your duties this time next week, I won't mind. Though there will be serious consequences for those who don't. I trust you all understand"?
Everyone nodded.
"Good. Remember, just because you're on break does not mean for you to slack off. If you come across any bandits, it's still your right to defend the valley. You are all dismissed".
Mike stood still like a statue feeling some sort of irony. He was quickly knocked from his state of mind when Viper nudged him gently.
"So Mike, remember when I said this morning that you owed me"? She spoke quiet enough so no one else heard her.
"Yes"? Mike replied not liking what was about to come next.
"How well do you know Chinese literature"?
"Not very well since I can't read Chinese". Mike regrettably admitted.
"Then I suppose you won't mind if I taught you how to do so then, would you"?
"...No". Mike sighed, knowing better than to argue back. He looked back to see Mantis slowly walking out the door, who turned round in time to see the rage in Mike's eyes before hopping away as fast as he could.
"We'll start later. Right now I have to go teach someone a lesson"! Mike snapped before racing after the insect, ready to tear him to pieces. Viper smiled and shook her head. Men can be so thick sometimes.
"This is going to be a fun week". She smiled before calmly slithering down the stairs while humming a song.
...
And there we go. That's the end of this lil short story. Hope you enjoyed reading it.
Now, as for the reason it was written in first person was because I wasn't entirely sure how to do a 1st person view of Mike being drunk so I had to settle with another style of writing. Hopefully it didn't affect the story too much. Until next time cheerio!
P.S. Drunk python is funniest python