Author's note: thank you for the reviews and suggestions (twins or not, I honestly haven't decided yet)
Chapter Eighteen: Why
"I'm sorry, Maura, but I won't be able to wait any longer now."
The honey blonde cast a last glance at the door and nodded. She stood up – reluctantly – then followed the physician into her office. The sun blinded her as she entered the room. Squinting her eyes, she took a seat and repressed a sigh. Why? Why had Jane to be late now?
Of all times the Italian had chosen this one. She was punctual, usually. Most of the times.
The appointment was an important one, she knew it and had assured Maura in the morning – and at lunch – that she wouldn't miss it; no matter what. The honey blonde looked at the empty seat by her side and bit the inside of her cheek as if to prevent disappointment from showing up. Complete fail.
"How are you doing? Any morning sickness? Dizziness? Are you feeling tired?"
Back to the appointment. Taking a deep breath, Maura focused back on her interlocutor and shrugged evasively. "Just some dizziness in the morning, around 10.30am..."
Nod of approval. "Make sure to bring a snack at your workplace although considering your job, I'm going to assume you already know all of this."
It was true. At least Maura had the advantage of knowing the whole theory of pregnancies. She knew why her body reacted that way to something instead of another, why she had the feeling to be going through a whole panel of feelings within a day. Why she felt tired as well. But right now, it was just about bitterness and disappointment. Jane's absence upset her. And nothing else.
"I have the results of your blood test. Everything's fine, numbers are good. As a matter of fact, I wish all my patients had such good ones. Your diet is healthy, keep it up. If you're hungry between meals, add a piece of fruit. Almonds are great too."
Nod. She knew all of this. Just as she knew the chances she had to get an amniocentesis and what it meant; the facts it might reveal. Suddenly nervous – uncomfortable – she moved on her seat and looked by the window. The trees offered a nice escape. Yet she lacked fresh air.
"Are you being careful with your cat?"
Another nod. If it went on, her physician would draw the conclusion that she belonged to the category of monosyllabic people when she didn't at all.
Make an effort, for God's sake. She needs to know, it is for your own good.
"Yes. He is still young but luckily he mainly jumps on Jane, not on me."
The comment made the scientist giggle but got a whole different effect on Maura. At the call of her wife's name, a quiet pain began to spread on her heart; tightening a grip on it. She didn't want to be alone – not now – but no matter the amount of times she checked the door, not a single brunette had the idea of storming in – breathless – apologizing for being late.
"Perfect! Well, not for your wife... How is she doing herself?"
The question took Maura aback. Finally getting her attention on the physician, she shrugged and forced a smile. "Fine. But she rarely gets sick, anyway. She has a good constitution."
"As a matter of fact, I was referring to the pregnancy. How does she live it?"
Maura blushed, feeling stupid to have missed the point. "Oh! She is ecstatic although way too protective. I am not even allowed to carry a bottle of water if she happens to be around. There are a dozen of subscriptions to parental magazines waiting for my approval on the counter of the kitchen and she seems to have developed an interest in body lotions. Mostly coconut oil."
It was actually funny to see and live. Jane had drastically changed these past few weeks. She had gone from being her usual natural self to become a specialist into body care treatments.
She knew everything about it. Absolutely everything.
"These are good news. It isn't always easy to be the supportive one in a pregnancy. Well, how about we now get serious about it?"
Maura nodded – smiled back at her physician – and went to get undressed for the exam. She should have been happy if not just thrilled but her mind wasn't there. Blame Jane. She should have been by her side, probably asking a ton of questions she now wrote down in a notebook as soon as something hit her and Maura couldn't answer.
Lying on her back on the bed, the medical examiner stared at the ceiling and tried to relax. It was not the most pleasing part of an appointment and the fact she couldn't help thinking her wife was not there with her began to seriously piss her off.
Her disappointment was slowly but surely melting into anger, now.
The sound of latex gloves slapping against hands made her jump of surprise, took her out of her daydreams. Will you just focus now? You are not behaving as you should, Isles!
The gestures didn't hurt. They were smooth, careful. Yet she sighed of relief when the woman nodded at her and – all smile – got rid of the gloves to turn the ultrasound scanner on. "So far so good... Now let's see how this fetus is doing on screen. Maybe a future star in the making."
The physician winked at Maura. She smiled – giggled – and turned her head to look at the machine on her right.
"You have required an ultrasound picture every time. How come?"
The honey blonde shrugged, her stomach slightly reacting to the gel the physician applied on her skin. "We are never too sure..."
"An artificial insemination doesn't present more risks for the fetus, you know. Apart from the usual multiple pregnancy factor, of course. By the way, do you have twins in your family? Or triplets?"
The question took her aback, not for its content but because she hadn't thought about it in the first place. She opened her mouth to reply but soon found herself in the impossibility to do so properly. Shrug. "I don't know... I am adopted. But I can ask."
Not that she felt like visiting Paddy Doyle in jail for that and Hope was on a four-month trip in Africa. It would have to wait.
"Oh. I see. Well, we might eventually find out about it in your case soon enough anyway. Do you want to know the sex of the baby? It's going to be hard for me to hide it from you but if it is what you want then when it becomes evident, I will ask you to turn your head around and only watch when it's safe."
As much as ultrasound pictures weren't part of her daily activity as a scientist, Maura had no problem whatsoever to read them. She hadn't forgotten her internships. It was a reflex.
When confronted to a scanner, the medical examiner she was activated the professional mode of her brain.
"We haven't talked about it yet. I guess I would like it better if it were a surprise." They still had time for it anyway. It wasn't today that she would find out whether they were having a boy or a girl.
So she relaxed. For the very first time since she had come into the office, Maura finally smiled openly as the image appeared on the screen. She had no problem to spot the fetus – check its place – and make sure that everything was fine, including its size. Perfect. She could not ask for a healthier pregnancy so far.
Perfect. The word was still resounding in her head as she arrived home an hour later. She had stopped trying to call Jane after the tenth trial. The Italian didn't want to answer? Fine.
Just as planned, Maura's disappointment had officially melted into anger and frustration. Even if she had had a last-minute change of plan at work, her wife still could have let her know. It wasn't nice at all to drop her like that.
Not at all.
Cold anger mode: activated.
"Is there anyone here?" Her question got welcome by a loud silence except for Jo Friday and Coco Loco trotting towards her to greet her as she walked to the kitchen. "Hey you two." She dropped her bag on the counter and grabbed the remote control to turn the television on.
Not really paying attention to the news on the local network, she went to brew some tea and grabbed a cookie in the process. She was hungry. Tired and hungry.
The water had just begun to boil when a few words caught her attention. Boston. Casualties. Shooting. This time, she properly turned around and approached the television. What had happened? BPD.
Her heart stopped beating. Why? Why did she suddenly trust her instinct while it only took her towards something horrible? Why?
"More information on the hostage situation at the Division One Cafe: seven casualties, among them two policemen and two homicide detectives: Jennifer Hoods, James Huntchinson, Robert Mahoney and Jane Rizzoli-Isles."
She didn't see the rest, didn't hear how the journalist explained the situation wasn't over yet and the casualties had just been evacuated. She couldn't. Physically unable to do so. She had frozen. Her whole body, her brain.
Her mug hit the floor – exploding in a thousand pieces – and the world stopped turning.