Chapter 32
Back at my house I slip inside unnoticed. It's still dark out. Maybe 3 or 4am. We hadn't gone as far into the woods this time so it didn't take as long to get back. I was sleepy and wanting to go to bed but I knew that right now was my best opportunity to search through my mother's things. Before I go into her room I change into my nightgown. If my father happens to wake up I need to make sure it looks like I was sleeping and woke up missing my mother. Overalls and boots don't say that at all. Overalls and boots say that I'm up to something he wouldn't approve of.
In her room, I turn on a small bedside lamp not wanting to turn on all the lights for fear of being noticed. I stand with my hands on my hips, biting my bottom lip as I look around the room. There are so many boxes and I have no idea where to begin. I decide to start with the closest box to me and just work my way around the room. Methodical is probably the best system since I don't know exactly what it even is that I'm looking for.
The first couple boxes don't seem unusual to me at all. Just clothing and shoes. Some jewelry and that sort of things. On opening the third box though I find keepsakes and photos. I spend a lot of time looking at the photos. There aren't many of them. Most are of my mother and her sister Maysilee from when they were children. My aunt Maysilee had been a victim of the reaping and had died in the games many years ago. I'm told my mother was never quite the same after she died. They were twins and apparently the very best of friends. She never talked about her to me and out of respect I never asked about her. There are also scrapbooks and other memories from her childhood. I flip through the books but nothing stands out to me as being out of the ordinary. I carefully repack the box and close it back. How am I ever going to know what it is I'm looking for? I feel like I'm getting nowhere with this. But if Gale thinks there may be something in here then I have to keep looking. I sigh and move on to the next several boxes, carefully repacking each one as I go through it so that my searching goes undetected.
When I'm going through the final box, which happens to contain the framed pictures that used to hang on the walls of her room, I finally make a discovery. At first, I thought they were nothing, just wall art, but when I was trying to repack the box I'd fumbled a bit and accidentally dropped one of them and the backing to the frame had come loose. As I turned it over in my hand to fix it, I noticed there was something behind the picture. I pulled out the backing of the frame and found a folded slip of paper. I open it and find a letter. It's written in beautiful penmanship with ink that is now very faded. It's dated with my birthday in the top corner.
Margaret,
I want you to know that I love you. I've only held you in my arms for a moment and already I love you more than life itself. I promise you now, in this very moment, to do everything possible to keep you safe as you grow up.
I love you,
Mother
I sit silently, hands shaking for a moment as my mind rereads the letter. It was written the day I was born. And written to me. So why is it hidden behind an old picture on the wall? I fold the letter back up and stuff it in the pocket of my robe. After reattaching the backing to the frame, I decide to peek behind all the others. Every one of them has a letter, for me, from my mother. Every one of them written on a birthday of mine. There are 10 letters in total. Not enough for each year that I've had a birthday which makes me wonder if others are hidden elsewhere or if she was just too ill to write them some years. I don't stop to read them all now, knowing I need to hurry and get out of here. My father will be up soon and Mabel will arrive shortly. I shove all of them into my robe with the first letter and I work quickly to reclose the frames and repack the box. Once I finish, I stand at the door, looking back and giving the room a once over to make sure my presence isn't obvious. Then I exit the room and make a beeline for my own room.
My own room still doesn't seem safe enough to have the letters out. Mabel or my father could possibly walk in at any moment. I go into my bathroom and shut that door, locking it as I do. I should be safe here. I sit on the plush carpet and spread the letters out before me. I put them in order by date before reading them and then I begin.
Madge,
It's your first birthday. I've started calling you Madge. It suits you more than Margaret which just seems too formal for your fun personality. I love watching you grow and learn new things every day. I never let you out of my sight, not for a minute. I love you so much and I promise to keep you safe from harm always.
I love you,
Mother
Madge,
Today marks two of the best years of my life. All because of you. I was terrified when I found out we were expecting you, consumed with fear on bringing a child into a world that can be so evil. But I'm so thankful for you, so glad you're here with me. You make me feel more alive than I've felt in years. I love you so very much.
Mother
Madge,
I can't begin to tell you how much you mean to me, how important you are to me. You are my sole reason for existing. I am beginning to work on a plan that will ensure your safety. For your whole life I want you to be safe. Safe from the evil world around us.
I love you,
Mother
I stop reading them for a moment to wonder what in the hell my mother was so worried about. What evil? Does she mean the games? The Capitol? What plan? Why did she write and then hide all of these letters? Questions rush through my mind and I continue on with the rest of the letters.
Madge,
I can finally say that a plan has been put into action that will ensure a safe life for you. It's the only way I can feel assured you won't be harmed. When you're older I hope I am able to explain it all to you. For now, just know that I love you.
Mother
Madge,
I hope you can forgive me. The plan I put into action, the plan I began working on the day you were born, is already in full motion. But it seems there are things I didn't realize would happen because of my plan. You are still safe and that's all that matters in the end.
I love you,
Mother
Madge,
I've missed you so much this past year. I hate that I feel so ill that it steals my time from you. But you are safe. I remind myself of that when the guilt sets in. You are safe and I love you.
Mother
This must have been around the time she started getting so sick and spent more time in bed than with me. Her letters have me in tears because I can feel her love radiating from them. But I also feel her fear. I don't know exactly what it is she was afraid of but her fear is overwhelming. I continue reading and they all follow the same pattern. Telling me how sorry she is that she can't spend time with me anymore, that she loves me and wants more than anything for me to be safe. Her final letter is the most concerning.
Madge,
My head pounds so badly that I am using every bit of my strength and love for you to write this letter. I am sorry that some years I wasn't even able to do that much. I am sorry that I have never been able to bring myself to tell you the truth, to give you these letters and to tell you my plan for you. The plan that keeps you safe but has also determined your fate, your future life. I will tell you of this plan next year. I hope then that you will be old enough to understand, old enough to forgive me. I love you so much. You are the only reason I hang onto this life. Though we rarely see each other please know that I think of you, dream of you often and love you more than you will ever know.
Mother
The date on that last letter tells me that she wrote it on my birthday last year. That means that had they not shipped her off, she would've told me on my next birthday what this plan was. This plan that I know nothing of but can feel her guilt and her fear that stem from it. What in the world was going on? Does it have anything to do with why she was shipped off so unexpectedly? I fold all the letters up and hide them in the bottom of my closet inside a box of shoes. I need to show them to Gale, get his opinion on them but I can't carry them around with me. Who knows what would happen if I got caught with them.
I check the clock. It's 5:30am. I have just a few hours before I have to get ready for school. Though my mind is reeling, I know I need to sleep. I crawl under the covers and quickly drift to sleep. My alarm clock goes off after what feels like only minutes and I drag out of bed. I go through my morning routine and put my best effort into maintaining my illusion in front of Mabel and my father. Neither appear to suspect a thing although they are apparently both excellent secret keepers and I will never again be certain if they are what they seem to be. Right now, Gale is the only trustworthy person in my life.
At school, Gale and I still sit together during lunch but we don't hug or kiss or even hold hands. Everything we do must give the impression that we are only friends. I do hear a few whispers and rumors as to if we've broken up or not but nobody seems to be overly concerned. I guess us not being together is much less the scandal than being together was. Gale and I never get a moment alone to talk so I haven't told him about the letters yet but I plan to bring them to the woods tonight. I hope he can help me make some sort of sense of them or at least that he'll have an idea as to what to do next.
After school, Prim and I busy ourselves with the garden work. It's nice how having her here with me. She's a hard worker too. I'm hoping that we'll have some vegetables for her to take home in the next few weeks. The seeds we used were some sort of special Capitol seeds. Mr. McFerrin said they're treated with some sort of enhancing solution that causes them to grow rapidly. They were more expensive than regular seeds but I was too excited to have much patience and had decided rapid growing was the way to go. After our work is finished, we clean up and head over to the viewing together.
I'm dreading the viewing. I don't want to see if Katniss is going to die. Or has already died. I know Prim and Gale aren't looking forward to it either. We all sit together at the viewing but none of us speak. You can feel the anxiety in the air all around us. Mrs. Everdeen seems to have retreated to her catatonic-like state and just stares blankly in the general direction of the screen. I am glad Prim spent the early part of the afternoon with me if this is how it would've been at home for her. Gale and I don't touch but the look in his eyes tells me he wishes he could hold me. It's the same look I'm giving him. All we want is to comfort each other as we're forced to watch the fate of our friend.
The screen flickers to life and immediately we're shown Katniss in the tree and the Careers plus Peeta asleep at the base of the tree. Katniss has received a parachute from Haymitch and has gotten a cream or ointment for the burns on her leg. It looks significantly better. Capitol medicines work wonders, it's a shame that they aren't more readily available to the rest of Panem. I'm glad she's gotten enough sponsors for Haymitch to afford medicine for her. She's still stranded though. I'm debating if she'll be able to climb down undetected as the others sleep when she starts to climb higher. She edges out on a branch and begins sawing away at it when I realize what's happening. There's a huge tracker jacker nest attached to the branch and she's cutting it free. It'll fall on everyone at the base of the tree. She'll be able to escape! I'm teetering on the edge of my chair, clutching both Prim and Gale's hands. I could care less at the moment if anyone sees me holding Gale's hand. He must feel the same way because he doesn't pull away. My heart is in my throat. I watch as the nest drops through the branches and bursts open on the ground, angry tracker jackers swarming out. The careers and Peeta are all attacked. The careers scatter and some run for the lake. One girl tribute dies right there at the tree. Amidst all the chaos though Katniss does manage to get down, she starts to run off but is suddenly turning back. She seems disoriented and I realize that she herself must have been stung a few times. The venom in the stingers makes you hallucinate. It'll kill you if you have too many stings. She leans over the dead tribute at the tree and I see that she's trying to free the bow from the stiff girl's arms. Her bow! If she can get it free and then escape she could really, really win this whole game! Just as she gets it free, Peeta comes running up through the bushes. He's screaming at her to run away, practically pushing her to go. Suddenly one of the cruelest of the Careers breaks through the bushes and realizes that Peeta just helped Katniss escape. His face turns to rage and he turns his sword on Peeta, splitting open his leg. Blood gushes and he falls to the ground. The Career appears to be falling victim to tracker jacker venom and he wanders back to through the bushes before falling unconscious. It seems they're all unconscious now. Peeta included although he managed to limp away towards the creek before he blacked out. They don't show us Katniss again but she isn't on the list of dead tributes. She must be out there unconscious somewhere. I hope she's alright. I am so glad she got away, got out of that tree. And Peeta helped her. He saved her from that Career, possibly to his own demise. That cut looked to be to the bone. If he doesn't bleed to death first, the cut will most likely get infected. He must really, truly love her. I guess he was trying to protect her all along by joining up with the Careers. Keeping her safe the only way he knew how.
After the screen flickers off, I hug Prim. We're both smiling in relief that Katniss survived the day. Gale still looks upset but I can tell that his tension has eased up in knowing that she's still alive. I have a feeling each of these viewings will get more and more difficult for him to endure. Gale and I say goodbye and he heads back towards the Seam with his family while I head back towards my house. Now my countdown begins until I can be with him tonight in the woods.