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Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush.
It had been about two weeks since my talk with Carlos. We hadn't spoken since, so I wasn't exactly sure if Logan and James knew of our talk, or more or less, my situation. It depressed me a bit thinking that maybe I just wasn't that important to them anymore, but it also relieved me. There was no way the guys were going to help me, it was useless, I was addicted. My life was a blur; all I ever worried about was how many pounds I'd lost each day, how long I'd have to work out to lost my water weight, or how my body looked in the eye of everyone around me.
I sighed, getting up out of my bed and walking to the floor length mirror that hung on the wall beside my dresser. My eyes stung at the sight in the mirror as I pulled my shirt just above my ribs, which were clearly visible. I turned to the side, analyzing my shape; my stomach sucked inward, my hips protruded along with my ribcage. I hated how unhealthy I looked, but was also sickeningly enough, satisfied. A small smile creeped across my lips as I sucked my stomach in further. "Am I still fat, Jo?" I mumbled to myself, walking back to my bed and sitting at the edge.
Suddenly, the door ball rang. I groaned knowing I was the only one home and that there was no way in hell the dog would get the door. Teaching Oliver how to do that would be next on my to do list. I made my way downstairs and peeked out of the fogged up windows that lined the front door, two dark figures stood huddled behind the screen door. I couldn't make out their faces because of the fog that littered the window, but as I opened the door my eyes set upon a familiar pale young man, his espresso locks were gelled up perfectly, his chocolate brown eyes lighting up as he smiled. Beside him stood a tall, tan, pretty looking guy; his chesnut hair fell just above his hazel eyes, which unlike the boy beside him, did not light up, but held more of a sad demeanor.
"Logan...James." I adressed the two before being swooped up into each of their muscular arms.
"Back off Logan, I get first hug." James said, swatting Logan off and keeping his arms around my upper body. Cuda hairspray and manspray filled my nostrils as he held me, the smell was heavy, making me nauseous. I smiled a bit, remembering his obsession with the brand.
"Alright James, my turn." Logan piped in, pulling James off and practically lifting my feet off the ground into a bear hug, my own arms gripping him tightly.
"Well someone's gotten strong." Logan had always been the weaker one of the guys, he was always thin and scrawny, but his arms were now thickened with layers of muscle bulging from beneath his pale skin. I laughed as he set me down, a smile adorned both James' and Logan's faces.
"Uh, come in." I laughed awkwardly, side stepping as the two walked in.
"We're sorry we're here so late." It had only just struck noon a few minutes ago...Logan must've read the confusion on my face. "Carlos told us everything that day you guys talked, but we couldn't make any plans to get here without Kendall asking what we were up to." I nodded, playing with my fingers.
"Nice Spiderman pjs by the way." James added as I blushed, realizing I was still in my sleepwear.
"Well I wasn't fully aware that I was going to be having company, otherwise I would-"
"No wonder breakfast isn't made." James scoffed, looking over the hallway, taking in all the new photos that hung on the walls; it'd been awhile since he'd been inside my house, let alone near it. I hit his arm playfully before gripping it and pulling him to me wrapping my small arms around him, pushing my face into his strong chest.
"I've missed you." My words were muffled, but I knew he heard, he silently held me tighter. He smiled as I pulled back, moving to Logan and doing the same.
I led them to the living room where they sat opposite of me on the camel colored leather couch. Logan took a deep breath.
"We came to apologize."
"We're so sorry for not being there for you, for sticking by Kendall. We thought you were just being an overdramatic bitch-" James rambled before Logan shoved him and cut him off.
"If we'd known about everything you were dealing with we would've helped." He paused, looked at James and continued. "We can't help but feel like this is all our faults." He hung his head, James following his actions.
"It's no one's fault. God put me through all this for a reason...it's just fate." I shrugged.
"But you don't deserve any of the shit you go through, especially with Jo. I never and still don't see an ounce of fat on your body." Logan stated as I looked down, tracing the Spiderman symbol on my polyester sleep pants. "It's the truth." I shook my head, allowing hot tears to spill down my cheeks at a rapid pace. The boys bit back a gasp as I rose to my feet, pulling my shirt up and pinching the skin of my stomach between my fingers.
"FAT! This, it's fat. It's all I'm made up of. I'm so disgusted with myself all the fucking time. Every step I take I feel heavy and useless." Both boys mouths were gaped wide, eyes full of sympathy as they caught sight of my body. "I wish I didn't even exist. It's so hard to wake up in the morning just to be brought back into this endless misery. I hate it, I don't want it anymore, I don't want this anymore!" I screeched as I fell to the floor, huddled forward with my forehead to the plush carper. I felt both James' and Logan's hands on my back, rubbing it softly. James pulled me into his lap, sitting me up and laying me against his chest, he whispered soothing words in my ear as I shook against him.
"We're here, you're not alone anymore." Logan cooed behind us. My body tensed before relaxing into James' hold. I was so used to being alone that the boys' words struggled to sink in and actually mean something.
"How do I know you won't just leave again?" James looked over my expression, hesitating.
"You're going to have to trust us...I know, that sounds impossible, but you're going to have to try." He pulled a small knit bracelet off his wrist, sliding it on my own, wincing as his fingers ran across my damaged skin. The bracelet held strong meaning to James; it was the last thing he had of his own father who'd left him as a child.
"James, I can't keep this..."
"I'm trusting you to keep it safe just like you're going to trust us to keep you safe." I swallowed hard, nodding.
"This isn't going to be easy." I stated, James and Logan both smiling.
"We know that, but through hell or high water, we're here, forever." A smile grazed my own features as I began to accept the fact that there was no turning back now.
I sat quietly, staring at the plate of food before me.
"Just one bite." Carlos begged. All three boys' eyes were on me as I looked up, they eagerly awaited some kind of response.
"I-" I paused, "I don't like chicken. I'm a vegetarian." James broke out into a coughing fit, taking a seat on the stool beside me.
"Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit." He smirked and picked up my fork, stabbing a piece of chicken onto the prongs and helt it to my mouth as I shook my head. "Chugga-chugga, choo choo." I opened my mouth to laugh at his childish behavior, but was cut off when he thrust the chicken in my mouth and held it shut.
"Chew." Logan ordered. I shook my head, keeping the food on my tongue. After a few minutes the flavor slowly began to seep into my taste buds. I hadn't tasted something so good in awhile, I hadn't tasted anything in awhile. The boys cheered as I slowly began to chew, swallowing it, I picked up the fork, taking in more and more of the delicious meal. I hadn't bothered to look up or even acknowledge the boys since I started eating but when I did, I realized the overwhelming look of excitement on their faces. Carlos ran to my side, tripping in the process and wrapped his arms tightly around me.
"Oh Faith, we're so proud of you!" He gushed, swaying our bodies back and forth, almost pulling me off my stool. I smiled leaning into his embrace, but quickly tensed at the sound of a familiar voice echoing through the hallway.
"Guess who just got four tickets to the Minnesota Wild game on Saturday." His footsteps clacked closer and closer to the kitchen as we all frantically looked from one another.
"Quick, hide!" Carlos whispered harshly, shoving a miscellaneous lamp shade over my head.
"Carlos!"
"Sh! Lamps don't talk!" I sighed, crossing my arms.
"Is anyone-," the voice was now present in the kitchen, "who's that?"
"A lamp, duh." Carlos retorted, reaching below the shade and poking my nose, making a "ch" sound. "Bulb must be out." I rolled my eyes.
"How about you show me those tickets in better lighting...like outside. Come on Kendall." Logan's voice broke slightly between each statement as he tried to coax Kendall into leaving the kitchen. I figured the charade would only go on for so long, so I carefully removed the shade from my head and place it on the table top.
"Aw, come on! He was totally buying it!" Carlos whined, plopping down beside me.
"Totally." I said, patting his back. Kendall scratched the back of his neck awkwardly.
"Why are you, uh, here?" He questioned. Like it was any of his business, this wasn't even his house and he was questioning my presence? I wasn't the one who ever so rudely barged in without knocking or ringing the doorbell like a normal, polite person.
"Uh..." I trailed off, raddling multiple excuses in my head, trying to pick the most rational one.
"School project." Logan piped up, saving me.
"On?"
"Someone's nosey." I said coldy, turning my attention to Kendall. He opened his mouth, but closed it quickly. "Well, maybe I should go, seeming you guys are going to gush about another thing Kendall failed to invite me to." I rose to my feet, but was quickly pushed back down my James.
"No, stay." I turned to him, mouthing a quick 'this is awkward.' He sighed, sliding his hand down the length of my arm and interwining our fingers, pulling me past Kendall and through the front hallway. "Faith and I are gonna grab some ice cream." He called out, and with that, we were out the door, on our way to the Dairy Dome.
"You're definitely cheating."
"James, you can't cheat in tic-tac-toe." I giggled before marking a thick line between my 3 horizontal o's. He sighed dramatically, leaning back and looking at me with an intense gaze. I quickly swatted at my face.
"Do I have ice cr-" I stopped, remembering our sundae hadn't even been delivered yet, I shook my head. "Why are you staring at me?"
"This is gonna sound bad since we've been friends for years, but I've never really taken time to really take in your beauty." I fidgeted awkwardly in my seat, keeping my eyes on James'.
"You're making me all self concious now." I laughed, covering my face and peeking out of the slits between my fingers. He chuckled, pulling my hands down and keeping them in his hold. A slight spark of electricy surged through my body at his touch.
"James?" A perky voice questioned. I quickly retracted my hands, looking at the tall, blonde waitress. I couldn't help but laugh at her uniform as she set our sundae down; it looked like a '60's diner outfit, complete with pigtails and roller skates. She skated away and I turned my attention to the treat before me.
"Our sundae...complete with gummy bears, cheesecake bits, and strawberries." I smiled, taking the spoon he held out for me.
"You remembered?" My cheeks lit up a shade of scarlett as the heat rose through them.
"Of course." He smiled his teeth glowing perfectly behind his lips. God, he was making my heart melt faster than this ice cream. I couldn't let myself be another victim to James' charming ways, or could I? We were best friends...maybe the circumstances were different? I took a deep breath, pushing the thoughts aside and just enjoyed my time with James.