It was the first time in a long time that I had eaten with my mom.

It was the first time in a long time that I had spent more than a few minutes with my mom without feeling like I needed to kill her unless I was able to get away very, very quickly. Now, though, her presence was almost soothing. I could feel my mind shifting, mending itself from the battle that was tearing it apart earlier.

Again, I thought back to all that I was missing, and felt a small cramp in my chest.

We were sitting across from each other at the table, chewing and munching and sipping and chatting about nothing. Every once in a while, when I ducked my head to shovel eggs into my mouth, I could see my mom looking at me, her eyes… disbelieving, untrusting, unsure… something along those lines. Normally, had I received that type of look, I would have been scowling, imagining ripping her arms from her torso, her ears from her head, her-

Wait. No. No, no, no, no, no. Please, no. My heart seemed to split in two- one half dropping to my stomach, the other leaping to my throat.

Why were they back so soon? I had- I killed a man! They should be gone! There was another twinge in my chest, but I shoved it away, screaming my former logic about sacrifice in the back of my mind.

I bent my head down and squeezed my eyes shut, clenching my fists under the table.

But now, I thought, now I can understand that look, because I have been weird, I have been off, I have been wrong, and she has every right to-

-cower before me, begging for her life-

-FEEL SUSPICIOUS of my new attitude.

I suddenly wanted to cry.

I took a deep breath and looked back up at my mother, who was taking a sip from her orange juice. Briefly, I wondered what else was in the drink, but she spoke before I had a chance to really ponder.

"So, Rosey-" I quirked a lip at the nickname, remembering a small child in a princess dress who threw tantrums when her mother wouldn't help her rescue the prince, "-you seem a little… happier than normal."

"Uh-"

"I mean, I was getting so worried. You stopped reading, there were no analysises- analysi? Analyses?- of characters, and I hadn't received a knitted article of clothing in years!"

I bit my lip. "Sorry."

What are you apologizing for? She should be apologizing! She's pathetic. She's-

"Oh, no need to apologize, dear. I was just worried, is all." She set her glass down and leaned forward, resting her elbows on the table. "Is everything alright?"

No, nothing's alright-

-I'm looking at your disgusting person, blood still in your body-

-because this thing is in my mind and it's coming back-

-and it needs to be emptied of organs, intestines wrapped around your neck-

-and I killed a man-

"Everything's fine, Mom," I said, hoping my voice sounded stronger than I felt. "I just decided to pursue other interests for a while."

Apparently, it did, because her next words were, "Oh? Like what?"

"Well, ah," I racked my mind, trying to think of something she had never seen me do before but that I had evidence to support, because I knew she was going to ask to see it- "I started writing," I finished a moment later.

"Writing?"

"Yes. Um. About wizards."

"A writer! Oh, Rose, you have to let me see your work! And wizards? I knew the wizards were good!"

I let out a small puff of air, relieved. "Yeah, sure, Mom. Later, though," I added, thinking I'd have to have a bit of time to find all the notebooks that held the wizard stories I wrote so long ago.

"Tonight?"

-Tonight won't work, you'll be long gone, buried in the backyard-

No! "Sure."

"Good! Okay, honey. I'm looking forward to it!"

"Yeah. Me, too."

We sat in silence for a minute- though a silence that was not strained; rather, one that was almost calming.

Eventually, she grabbed her orange juice again and finished it off with a big swig. "I'm sorry to rush off so suddenly- I have a meeting, though, in a half hour, and I can't be late again!" She giggled, winking at me. "But, hey, they can't fire their best woman, now, can they?"

"No, I don't suppose they can."

She laughed, placing a hand on the top of my head as she walked by. "See you tonight, Rosey!" she called over her shoulder. I hid my cringe and shouted a good-bye to her as she shut the door.

I sat there a minute, looking at the dirty plates that she left behind on the table, trying to keep my mind empty. It didn't work for too long.

If you want to keep them away, you'll probably have to kill again.

Good.