Chapter 41

My breathing is speeding up in anticipation of talking to Lily and I hope it isn't noticeable. I try to focus and count to ten in my head as Tripp and I make the short walk to his house. His house is actually attached to the café but has it's own entrance on the side. When we enter, the aroma of dinner hits me and instantly my mouth is watering.

"Hello Miss Undersee, so glad you could join us this evening." says as he exits the kitchen to greet us.

"Thank you for having me. It smells delicious!" I reply.

"Well, the menu may not change much in the café, but it does here. You are in for a culinary delight this evening!" Tripp says with a smile.

"Dinner will be served shortly. Why don't you two have a seat in the living room and I'll go finish up in the kitchen." Mr. Krull says before turning and disappearing through the kitchen door.

Tripp and I head into the living room and take a seat on the sofa. I notice a photo album on the coffee table so I pick it up and open it. "Any embarrassing childhood pictures in here?" I tease Tripp.

"Probably. My parents seem to have documented every detail of Marah and I over the years. Bound to be a few laugh worthy shots in there."

We sit and flip through the pages of the album and he points out people and explains scenery until we're called for dinner. In the dining room Tripp pulls out my chair for me and I take my seat. Mr. Krull enters wearing red oven mitts and carrying a huge baking dish. He places it in the center of the table that holds revealing what looks to be some sort of chicken. Lily enters right behind him with a vegetable medly dish of squash and zucchini as well as a bread basket full of piping hot rolls.

"Chicken Kiev. You'll love it." Tripp leans over and tells me.

Once we're all seated at the table, our plates heaped high with food, we settle into small talk. I'm anxious to get the ball rolling with Lily so after several minutes of mindless chatter, I decide to just dive right in.

"Mrs. Krull? I hear that you were friends with my mother and Aunt when you were younger and I'd love to hear some of your stories about them. If you don't mind that is."

"Yes dear, Marie and Maysilee were my two best girlfriends from childhood. We were inseparable right up until Maysilee went away."

"What was my mother like? I don't know very much about her personality because of her poor health."

"She was quiet and thoughtful, extrememly caring. Maysilee was a different story with her spirited personality. Their father used to say that with them he managed to get the best of both worlds."

"When did you three become such good friends?"

"We met as mere toddlers. Our parents were friends and so I can't even remember meeting them. We just always were friends as long as I can remember."

"I'm sorry if this comes out wrong, but how come I never knew about this? And Tripp wasn't aware of it either." I say. I know I'm being risky by being so pushy but I just can't help it. She's being way too vague. I need specifics.

"Well, I suppose it was just one of those things that people remember fondly but it pains them at the same time so pretending it doesn't exist is just easier sometimes."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't pry." I feel terrible at my own lack of manners. These people invite me into their home and I go prying into painful memories.

"No, no. It's fine dear. With your mother being so ill I can imagine it's difficult to feel a connection with her and I'm happy if I can help you find a bond with her. And I know she'd like that too."

I know that Lily and I are dominating all the dinner conversation but if she's willing to continue, so am I. For all I know this may be my only chance.

"If you're sure it's okay, I'd really like that."

"Perhaps you and I can chat after dinner while these two go close up the café?" She says with the softest of smiles.

"Of course." I say. It will probably be better if she and I can chat privately anyway.

I endure the rest of dinner making polite chatter and enjoying my meal. Tripp was right about the chicken kiev, it is fantastic. It's a chicken breast seasoned and stuffed with butter that squirts out when you cut into it. I am most certainly having Mabel make this for our next big dinner. My father would love this.

After dinner, Tripp and Mr. Krull excuse themselves to go help Marah close down the café while Lily and I settle into the front parlor with dishes of mint sorbet.

"Well, now that we're alone why don't you tell me what exactly it is that you're wanting to know about your mother, dear."

Panic sets in and I am suddenly afraid to ask her anything. How does she know I'm digging for information? Is it because she knows something? Did my overzealousness at dinner ruin my illusion? What do I say? What do I say?

"Oh, um, well I wanted…it's just that, um I was curious if you could tell me when it was, um…" I'm stumbling over my words so badly that she reaches over and places her hand on top of my knee and stops me.

"It's okay Madge. I will help you however I can. If you need to know something, it's okay to ask me."

I make the quick decision to believe her based on the solitary fact that she, at one time, was my mother's dearest friend.

"I need to know when it was that she became ill so I can figure out what caused it."

"That I can somewhat answer. Your mother was never ill a day in her life until Maysilee was reaped. That was the beginning of the end for all of us, the turning point if you will. When Maysilee died in the games your mother became very depressed, she was sad all the time. I was too but not at all to the extent that she was. She was literally drowning in grief. Your grandparents took her to the Capitol, found some special doctor who helped her. She came back and while she wasn't her old self by any stretch of the imagination she was much, much better."

I nod and she quietly continues.

"She finished school then married your father and soon after that she got pregnant with you. That was around the time things took another turn with her health, it's when the headaches began. At first they were just occasional and far more mild than they became."

"When did they become so debilitating to her?"

"Hard to say. You were still young. Maybe three, four years old? That's about the time when she and I lost touch. At first I visited occasionally for but eventually she couldn't handle visitors. How is she now?"

"Not good. She's in a long term facility in the Capitol now."

"I'm sorry honey, I can't imagine how hard that is for you. I can't imagine being without a mother at your age."

"I do have another question but I don't know if you'll know the answer. Did my mother ever mention anything she was afraid of?"

Lily sits quietly with her eyes closed for a moment before she answers me.

"She was afraid of you being reaped. Afraid to lose you the way that she lost her sister. It was her biggest fear."

"Oh." I say quietly with tears streaming down my face. I was the reason she was scared.

"She was so proud of you though Madge. She wanted you, loved you, even though it scared her and stirred memories of Maysilee."

"Did she ever talk about doing anything to ease her fears?" I ask hoping she may know about "the plan" but I don't feel comfortable outright asking about it.

"No, not to me anyway."

"Thank you so much for sharing that with me and for answering my questions. It's sometimes difficult to find people who will talk to me about her." I tell her.

"Your mother would have wanted me to be honest with you. Now dry your eyes dear. Our boys will be back soon and we can't have them seeing you sad." She says with a smile.

Our boys? Oh no. She thinks Tripp and I are dating. I don't know how to correct her. She just shared private details about my mother with me. How do I tell her she's wrong? What if she gets disappointed? I opt to let it go and pretend I didn't notice her wording. I can straighten that out with Tripp later.

Shortly after that Tripp, Marah and Mr. Krull come back. I thank the Krulls for a wonderful dinner and say I should be heading home. Tripp walks me back to my house and says goodnight without kissing my hand this time thankfully. He does linger momentarily as if he's debating kissing me, and not just on my hand, but he leaves with a simple goodnight. I really hope he understands that I'm not going to date him. Not now, not ever.

Inside I see that my father is home but as usual, busy in his study. I poke my head into the room and smile so he knows I'm home. He pauses in his conversation and says hello quickly before returning to his call. Down the hall in my own room I check the clock and see that I have three more hours until I can go meet Gale.

I draw a bath and peel away my clothing. I drop peppermint bath oils into the water and dip my hand in to swirl them around. I dim the bathroom lights and let myself sink down into the water until my chin touches it. I lean my head back and close my eyes. My mind slowly begins to review everything Lily told me. My mother had been warm and kind, she'd had friends and been well liked by her peers. She had the rug pulled from under her so to speak when Maysilee was reaped. Consumed with sadness she stopped functioning to the point that my grandparents had taken her all the way to the Capitol looking for help. And it was there in the Capitol that she supposedly found herself again or at least some resemblance of herself. She'd finished up her schooling and then married my father and then I came along and stirred up all her anxieties and grief over losing Maysilee except it was worse because it was her own daughter now. She was terrified that the Capitol would draw my name in the reaping and that I'd be ripped from her life just like Maysilee was. My heart breaks in knowing that I was the reason she was fearful. I lay in the tub until the water looses it's warmth and my fingers are pruned and wrinkled.

After I've toweled off and slipped into a nightgown I curl up on my loveseat and stare off into nowhere. I feel so drained. So empty. So guilty.