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Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush.
I'd been spending surplus amounts of time with James since the night at the Dairy Dome. Now, here I was, almost a month and a half later waiting in my front hall for him. I spent time with all of the guys, even Kendall the few times he was present. We'd make small talk, nothing more than a quick 'how's life' or something along those lines. I was well on my way to improving with my eating habits, I ate up to at least twice a week, still not good, but the guys were proud and that's all I cared about. I was broken from my thoughts as a knock sounded off the wooden door at the front of the hall, I smiled as I opened the door to reveal James holding out a pair of skates, a second pair dangling from his neck by the laces.
"Here you go, m'lady." I laughed as I took the skates from his hands and stepped out of the house.
"Are we playing one-on-one?" No hockey gear was present, so I figured he already had it at the rink, seeming it was his second home.
"Nope, just going to the free skate."
"How romantic." I cooed sarcastically as he laughed, linking his arm with mine. "Are we having a candle lit dinner by the water afterwards?" I questioned, waving my hand as if I was displaying the scene I was invisioning before us.
We walked in silence for the most part, a few comments shared, but other than that we let the silence comfortably rest between us.
"I'm pretty sure you're cutting off my circulation." James chuckled, pulling the laces on my skate tighter and tying them as I groaned, tilting my head back against the metal lockers.
"Oh stop being dramatic." Pulling me to stand beside him we made our way into the rink, skating along the chipped ice with a few other couples and some single bodies.
I quickly wrapped my arms around James' muscular torso as my skate fell into a deep rut, threatening to pull me down. "You alright?" James wrapped an arm securely around my waist and held my hand in his other as we stood at the edge of the rink, people skating past us. I kept my eyes on his lips as he spoke, nodding to whatever it was he was saying, it's not like I was paying any attention to the words he was speaking, I was too busy wondering how soft his lips were. Aimlessly, I ran my fingertip along his bottom lip, him pursing his lips against my touch in response, smiling. Slowly, he leaned down close to my height, tilting his head at a slight angle and closing the distance between our lips. The kiss was short, but sweet. I blushed as he pulled away, leaning my body closer into his embrace. As I opened my mouth to speak I was interrupted.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Turning, we were faced with an angry Kendall and an annoyed looking Jo trailing not far behind him. James and I quickly exchanged confused glances before Kendall grabbed me, forcing me to skate out of the rink with him, leaving James and Jo on the ice. Kendall glared as I pulled my arm from his grip.
"Why the fuck were you kissing him?" He hissed, his hands balled up in fists as his sides.
"Why do you care?" I countered nonchalantly, his face reddened with anger before he set himself with a relaxed expression.
"I don't." He stated simply, to which I rolled my eyes.
"Then why are you throwing a bitch fit?" His eyes dropped to the ground as he remained silent. "Well, I'm going to get back to James now." I turned, stepping back onto the ice.
"I'm sorry!" He blurted, turning me and engulfing me in a bone crushing hug. Keeping my hands at my sides I wondered if it was Kendall's time of the month. "I know I fucked up big time and I haven't had the balls to say it until now."
"Why now?" Why now? Out of all the times in the past two years and he decides to apologize now?
"I-I don't want James to have you..or the guys. You're supposed to be mine, you've always been mine."
I scoffed, pushing him off me. "Kendall, I'm not an object, no one has ownership over me."
He sighed heavily, running a hand through his sandy blonde locks. "Why can't you just forgive me?"
"Goodbye Kendall." I ignored him as he called my name. Skating back to James I took his hand and exited from the opposite side of the rink.
My day for the most part had gone by as usual; I was seated on the cold, metal bleachers watching small, white flecks of snow fall lightly. My body was covered in nothing but a loose Ramones tank top, dark wash skinny jeans, and black combat boots. The snow rested on my skin, numbing it. I'd skipped lunch today, leaving the guys worried. As if on cue, my phone buzzed to life in my bag, probably with another text from James. I sighed, raking my fingers through my now damp hair.
For the past few months I'd become skilled at masking my emotions. To the guys, I was well on my way to making a strong recovery, which I was, but there was always one thing pulling me back; my mind, it was poisoned. Eating was no longer my struggle; keeping it down was. I was disappointed that I'd been allowing myself to fall back into old habits; stepping on the scale multiple times a day in hopes of the number being a tiny bit lower, being frightened by the thought of gaining weight, only now, my habits were different. I would eat, but immediately feel guilty; guilty that I'd actually allow myself to stuff myself with food. A voice in the back of my head would nag at me, the food filling my stomach sat heavy until it was nothing but remnants in the toilet. The guys had helped me for awhile, but I wasn't cured, I don't think I would ever be cured. This is the way I was born, broken and unfixable. My poisonous thoughts would flood my brain the second I was alone, drowning me until I succumbed to their evil ways, I was a victim to my own mind. I had no control, this dreaded disease pulled all the strings, working me as its own personal puppet. As hard as I fought to keep myself from going under the harder it would get. For every positive thought, there were five negative ones sneaking up.
I shook my head, jumbling my thoughts in an attempt to rid my mind of the poison within' it.
A metal pang rang out into the open field and surrounding woods as someone stepped up on the bleachers.
"I thought I might find you here." Kendall spoke, climbing the few steps to where I resided and sat beside me. Pressing my lips in a hard line, I kept my eyes on the field, bobbing my knees beneath my elbows. "Are you alright?" He questioned cautiously. I shook my head, looking at him with tears threatening to spill over.
"I'm such a mess. I can't take it anymore." My voice broke as the words escaped my lips, barely above a whisper.
"Take what?"
"Life."
"I know you loved your dad, but life goes on. You have to forgive and forget." I clenched my teeth, clearly agitated at the fact that Kendall was clueless. "I really wish you'd forgive me."
"Just so I can forget you?"
"Well, no, not exactly. I want you to fogive me and forget all this animocity. I want my best friend back."
"I can promise you that's never gonna happen."
"Why not?" He yelled, startling me a bit as he rose to his feet. "Why do the guys get off the hook? They didn't run after you either!"
"I forgive you Kendall."
"See that's not-," he paused, "what?"
"I forgive you, but you're not getting your best friend back." He looked at me, a confused look present in his mossy green eyes. "I'm not the same, I haven't been for awhile." Sitting beside me, he pulled me close.
"I know." I shook my head, crashing my face in my palms and digging my fingernails into my skull, frustrated.
"You don't." A few tears dribbled down my cheeks, dropping onto the freshly fallen snow beneath the bleachers, creating small pinholes.
"What don't I know?" I carefully thought of each possible outcome if I'd come clean to Kendall, weighing pros and cons. My heart ached at the thought of Kendall returning to his rightful place in my life...But what If that wasn't the outcome? What if my possible decision only damaged things further beyond repair? I turned in his direction, looking into his eyes.
"You really want to know?" He nodded, taking my hands in his own placing them in his lap.
Once again I was stuck and had no way to turn back.
Kendall's eyes were clouded with tears as my story progressed, a few spilling over his lids as I squeezed his hands in my own trembling pair.
"I can't believe Jo would do things like that, she's not like that around me." I thought for a minute before pulling my hands back.
"Why did you laugh when she made that picture of me, or when she called me fat at the bonfire, or-,"
"I'm a guy, I didn't think it was a big deal."
"YOU LAUGHED! You laughed at the fact that she was calling me a pig."
"And I felt like shit after, I swear."
I scoffed. "Is that supposed to make me feel better?"
"Past Faith...We're forgiving and forgetting, remember?" I sighed, pulling his hands back into my own, this time resting them in my lap.
"It's not easy Kendall." Leaning in closer he trailed a hand up, resting it on my cheek, his breath hot, mingling with my own.
"You are absolutely beautiful. You were then and you still are, skinny, fat, tall, or short, I still love you the same."
"I love you too, through everything, you're still my best friend." He smiled, slowly dunking his head down and leaning his lips closer to mine.
"Kendall, what are you doing?" It's not that I didn't want to kiss him, I always have wanted to, but I couldn't.
"What's wrong?"
"I-I'm dating James."
"You're what?" He spat venemously, leaning away from me as if I was diseased. I stared at him with a blank expression, the look in his eyes quickly changed from anger to hurt.
"Kendall, I-"
"Whatever Faith." He bowed his head, ruffling his finger through his hair. Why was he getting so butthurt over me and James dating? It's not that big of a deal. In fact, him and the guys used to tease us saying we would probably end up married and having pretty babies just because we got along so well, not as well as Kendall and I though, Kendall and I had our own kind of bond, one that I never have and never will have with anyone but him.
"I don't understand how you can even be mad right now."
"You're dating my best friend, why wouldn't I be mad?"
"You have a girlfriend-," then it hit me as I remembered the small blonde, "speaking of Jo, you were just about to kiss me! Do you not remember she's your girlfriend? I refuse to be the other woman OR a cheater." I crossed my arms across my chest as he sat back down, shaking his head.
"She cheats on my with Jett, so who cares." My mouth hung open as I stuttered, trying to catch the right words.
"Then why the hell are you with her?"
"Sex, popularity-," he held his hands up, waving them over each other as his eyes zoned into the field, "the feeling of being wanted." He sighed, resting his hands in his lap, his thick, dark eyebrows furrowing beneath his shaggy hair, which was now sticking to his head due to the snow that carelessly fell around us.
"Kendall, plenty of people besides Jo want you. You're handsome, caring, funny, smart. You're basically a total stud." He chuckled, shaking his head and looking up at me.
"Not the one person that I want." I swallowed hard.
"And who's that?" He gave me a 'really, come on' look as I giggled. "I want you Kendall, I do, but as nothing more than my friend." There I was, lying through my teeth as the one guy I've always wanted finally admit that he wanted me, nobody else, just me.
"Not even as a best friend?" His bottom lip protruded as I elbowed him playfully, a smile growing on my lips as he rested an arm over my shoulders. "Best friends?"
I smiled, tucking my head below his chin. "Forever and always."