Chapter 45
After the viewing concludes, I head home for the first time today. I spent so much time running around this afternoon that I didn't make it home at all. I know my father is home for dinner today and I know he's been told about my being late for class. And I know I'm going to get in trouble. Well, not trouble really. I wouldn't actually be punished or anything but I would be lectured and honestly, sometimes I'd just assume skip the lecture and have a punishment instead. The lecture is always the same.
I find my father in the kitchen, heating up the dinner plates that Mabel left for us.
"Good evening Madge. I'm just about finished heating up our dinner. Why don't you pour us something to drink and meet me in the dining room?"
I nod and pull a glass pitcher of fresh squeezed lemonade from the ice box. After I've poured two glasses for us, I stir a little sugar into each glass. Mabel never makes it sweet enough, always more on the tart side. I never have the heart to tell her though and for years I've been adding extra sugar to my glass whenever she makes it. I find my father sitting at the dining room table. He prefers to eat in here as opposed to the kitchen whereas I prefer the kitchen or the back porch.
"Madge, I wanted to let you know that it has been brought to my attention that you were tardy for your first lecture class this morning." He says.
"I know. It was awful. I feel so bad about it. I was there on time and when I arrived I found a bouquet of flowers tied with a ribbon sitting atop my desk. They were so pretty but they didn't have a vase and I knew they'd die without water without it being so hot and all. So I went to the storage closet to get a vase for them only I couldn't reach it. So I had to go find someone to get it down for me. Tripp Krull, you know from the café? Well, he came and tried to help me and then his grip slipped on the vase and it fell on his face. It was terrible and I felt awful. His poor eye started to swell immediately. He even had to go home it was so terrible. By the time all that happened, I was late and caused the lecture to be disrupted. I am so sorry." I tell him, trying my best to sound as if I was totally flustered with the whole thing.
"I see. Well, that does seem to explain things. I do wish you would have stayed after class to explain this to your instructor. You might have saved him the trouble of having to come and find me at the Justice Building. You must try harder Madge. You know how important you are and you know that your actions are watched and therefore you must set a better example than those around you. And I hope you stopped by the Krull's residence to check in on the boy this afternoon. I did notice the poor child's face at the viewing. That is one nasty bruise."
"I know I let you down today and I'm sorry. I will speak with my instructor and make the proper apologies first thing Monday morning. And I did visit Tripp this afternoon to check on his eye and to apologize again. And yes, that is one nasty bruise he's got all for trying to help me. I feel just awful about it."
"So, who gave you the flowers?"
"What? Oh, they were from Tripp. Only I didn't know that at first."
"Does he have an interest in you dear?"
"We had dinner a couple times this past week but we think we're better off as just friends."
"I see. Well, I think it's for the best. You're a bright young girl and you have many other things to focus on than dating."
"Are you saying I can't date?" I ask with an edge to my voice. His comment just rubs me wrong.
"No need to get upset dear. I noticed you've suddenly taken an interest in boys, first with the Hawthorne boy and now the Krull boy. I worry it will distract you from other, more important things. That it will distract you from setting a good example for the district, that's all."
I'm so livid that I don't even answer. He's lying right to my face. He isn't worried I'll set a bad example. He's worried because somehow, someway, dating doesn't fit into the plan that was put into play to protect my future. The plan that no one bothered to consult me about. Hell, the plan they didn't even bother to tell me about. I chew the remaining food on my plate in silence. He attempts conversation a couple more times but I don't relent. I'm tired of being the only one who doesn't know what my future holds.
My father sighs and lightly pats my shoulder as he takes his empty plate to the kitchen sink, leaving me alone at the dining room table. I sit for awhile, pushing my now cold food around on my plate until my father comes back.
"Madge, I need to go back over to my office at the justice building. I have a few calls to make but I shouldn't be too late getting home."
"Why don't you just make the calls from your study?" I ask in surprise.
"The notes I need for the calls are in my office files is all."
And with that and a kiss on top of my head he's out the door. I hop up and throw my dishes in the sink and race upstairs. This is my chance to look for the entry list for the reaping. I have to hurry though. I have no idea how long my father's calls will take. My heart thumps loudly in my ears as I slip into the study and close the door behind me. I check the time and give myself a five minute limit on being in here. In five minutes I need to leave no matter what. I don't turn on the light because I'm afraid of being seen so I'm left with only a small flashlight. I start in the files of his desk drawer, then move on to his standing file cabinet. In there I do find the list. I glance at the clock and see that I'm out of time. I freeze for a moment, torn as to whether or not I should steal the list and return it later. I look to see exactly where in the drawer I'm taking it from and then I do it. I take the list and hurry out of the room, glancing once behind me to ensure that I haven't disrupted anything.
Once I'm in the safety of my own room, I lock myself in the bathroom and sit down on the carpet with the list in front of me. It's several pages long and listed alphabetically. I flip to the back page and run my finger down the list looking for Undersee. Tustin, Ubanko, Utley, Vaden. Wait, did I miss it? I check again and it isn't there. It skips right past where my name belongs. I'm not on the list. I frantically flip through the pages to make sure there isn't a mistake; to make sure I'm not reading it correctly. But no, I read correctly, I'm just not on the list.
My head spins. How on earth am I not on the list at all? After I'd talked to Gale I'd assumed that it was possible that my name had fewer entries than it should but I never once imagined my name didn't even exist. What kind of deal did my mother have to make for that to happen? And who did she make it with?
Out of curiosity, I flip through the pages and check the number of entries on everyone else. Gale has so many that it makes me sick to my stomach until I remember that he won't be put in the reaping again. He'll be 18 before the next go round. But then it will be Rory taking out the tesserae. I doubt Gale would let that happen but I also know that they depend on it for survival now so I doubt they'll be able to do without it next year either. I look at Prim's one meager entry and remind myself how less entries still doesn't ensure safety.
I hide the list in between a stack of fluffy bath towels and slip back out into the hallway. I hear my father downstairs and I know I don't have time to put the list back in his study right now. I'll have to wait for him to go to sleep. I go downstairs to tell him goodnight and find him cutting a slice of cheesecake.
"I came to say goodnight. I'm going to take a bath and call it a day."
"Would you like some dessert first?" He asks holding up the plate.
"Maybe I'll take a slice up with me and eat it while I soak in the tub. I didn't even know there was dessert tonight." I tell him knowing I won't be eating that; I'll be taking it to Gale later.
"Oh yes, Mabel made it for special for me. I think she feels sorry for me with all the traveling I have to do these days, having to eat Capitol food all the time."
"Since when do you not like Capitol food?"
"Oh no, I like it. I like all food really. You don't get to be a man of my size by not liking food. But there's nothing like a meal made in your own kitchen." He says as he hands me my plate and fork.
I laugh and tell him goodnight before disappearing back up the stairs to my room. I place the dessert on my night table and go soak in the tub for awhile. I wonder what my mother's bargaining chip was in her deal to keep my name off that list? Obviously it has to do with my future, but what? I wish more than ever that she was here, that I could talk to her and tell about Gale. I wish I could ask her, beg her to explain her plan to keep me safe. Whatever part of my future she bargained with, the price is most certainly high. Terrifyingly high.
I dry off and slip on my nightgown. Ever since the one night I accidentally wore my nightgown into the woods I've been continuing it. Makes it easier to slip in and out of the house. If someone catches me I can always say I couldn't sleep and wanted to get some air. And I'll look like I've been in bed so no one will question it. My mother's boots are still tucked away in my closet though. I will need them if we ever get to go back to the lake. Where we walk to now isn't al that far so my ballet flats are fine. I have been extra careful about my laundry though, making sure my nightgowns don't have dirt or grass stain on them. I don't know how I could explain that to Mabel. The few times I've noticed any smudges, I've been able to spot wash them out in the sink of my bathroom and then put them in the hamper as if nothing was ever on them.
I go to my door and listen to see if I hear my father still up working. All I hear is silence so I tiptoe out of my room and down the hall towards his door. I stand outside it and listen. The rhythmic hum of his snoring rings through the closed door and reaches my ears. Good, he's asleep. I tiptoe back to my bathroom and grab the list from between the bath towels. I tiptoe out into the hall and quietly slip back into his study. Once I've placed it back where it belongs I pause to listen again, checking to make certain the house is still quiet. It is, so I sneak back to my room again. I doubt I took a breath the whole time. If my father knew that I was nosing around in his study he'd have an outright fit. And if anyone else caught me it'd be even worse.
I take Gale's slice of cheesecake back down to the kitchen and wrap it up. I put my plate and fork in the sink. I don't want to take dishes out of the house so He'll have to eat this with his hands but I doubt he'll care. I slip out the back door, cheesecake in hand, and head back to the shed. He's already waiting for me. I love when he's already there. Every second we can be together is so precious to me.
"C'mon, I got you something." I whisper as I grab his hand and pull him through the fence. It used to scare me going through the fence and into the woods but not anymore.
Once we reach our spot I present his dessert. "Ta Da!" I say in delight.
"Madge you have got to stop giving me food." He says.
"It isn't food. It's cheesecake. I'm sure it is of no nutritional value whatsoever. So open up." I say as I swipe one finger through the creamy dessert and hold it to his lips.
He rolls his eyes and complies, taking the cheesecake from my finger. "You're lucky this is so good. I'd have to refuse it otherwise." He teases as he takes the remaining portion in his hand.
"Gale, I found the list. It's not good. My name isn't on it."
"You mean there is a zero by your name?" He asks in confusion through a mouthful of cheesecake.
"No, I mean it isn't on there at all. My name doesn't exist on that list."
"Your name has never been entered? Not even once?" He says and then leaves his mouth hanging open.
"Looks that way. But you know as well as I do that could only come at the highest possible price and I don't mean money. Whatever my mother did, whoever she made that deal with, she had to have come to the table with a very valuable bargaining tool."
"She did. She signed away your future."
"But what does that mean? What about my future did she decide for me?"
"Well, what do people normally get to decide on their own about the future? Their profession? Where they live?"
"Or who they marry." I say with a sickening realization.
"Or who they marry." He repeats in a scared whisper with eyes wider than I've ever seen.