A Secret Revealed

Aaron walked their usual round with Mudgie, but realized quickly that it wasn't long enough to clear is head and calm down.

Before he even realized where he was going, he had already reached the gates of the cemetery and had soon found his way to Haley's grave.

Sitting down on the small bench under the tree next to it, he stared at her headstone, lost in his thoughts.

After what seemed like an eternity, he began to speak.

"I've been meaning to visit you for a while now."

He swallowed and leaned forward, bracing his elbows on his knees.

"Jack is great. He's really doing well in school and at soccer and he's made a lot of new friends through it. But I bet you already know that. And I bet you also know that I'm finally keeping my promise to you. I know you wouldn't mind that it's not a new woman, but another man. You've always liked Dave, didn't you? More than Jason, at least."

Aaron chuckled to himself at the memory of how she'd always cynically referred to Gideon as his "wife".

"Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that myself. I, uh, love him. He's good for me and Jack and I would like to think that we're good for him, too. If only he weren't so goddamn hot-headed and stubborn."

He gave her a detailed description of what had happened this morning. After he had finished his rant, he felt considerably better.

"I'm sorry. You didn't need to hear all that. But it felt good to just let it all out. I suppose you can't help me make sense of it all, can you?"

He smiled.

"Yeah, I didn't think so. But thanks for listening."

Leaning back against the backrest, Mudgie's leash slipped from his hand. As soon as the dog realized he was free, he ran off.

"Mudgie, wait!" Aaron yelled after him.

"I'm sorry," he said to Haley. "I have to go. I'll be bringing Jack next time."

He stood up and ran after the dog.

"Mudgie!"

Following the barks, Aaron quickly realized that the dark lab apparently had a specific target in mind. He found the dog lying in front of Carolyn's headstone, and was surprised at first by how much the dog seemed to be grieving for her. If he remembered correctly, Dave had had the dog for about seven years now. As far as he knew, Mudgie couldn't have met Carolyn more than just a couple of times, as she and Dave hadn't met more than once every few years.

Then Aaron's eyes fell on the smaller grave next to Carolyn's, and his heart almost stopped as everything immediately dawned on him.

"Oh Dave," he whispered.

Sighing deeply, he looked up to the sky.

"Thanks, Haley."

He stood at the grave for several minutes staring at the inscription on the tombstone.

Beloved son. His heart began to ache for Dave as tears pooled in his eyes.

Suddenly it all made sense. Those odd moments when Dave seemed lost in his own world, his short, snippy behavior like this morning, whenever he'd asked him about children, Dave's reaction whenever they had to deal with cases in which children were involved.

Aaron had always wondered if Dave was just being particularly empathic, which was certainly true, but didn't quite explain it all. Now he realized that he didn't imagine it when Dave was reacting in a way only a father would.

With another deep sigh, he grabbed Mudgie's leash and slowly walked back home with him.

He found Dave in his favorite recliner in the living room, a tumbler filled with his favorite Scotch in his hand. From the looks of it, he hadn't drunk from it yet.

"I'm back," he said unnecessarily, leaning against the doorframe.

"I can see that."

Dave kept on staring ahead.

The few moments of silence that followed felt uncomfortable.

"Were you ever going to tell me?" Aaron asked finally, his voice calm and quiet.

Dave raised his head, surprised. He knew exactly what Aaron was talking about, but wondered where Aaron's sudden knowledge came from.

"I was at the cemetery."

Dave nodded and put his drink down. While Aaron had been away, he'd agonized over how to broach the subject. He had felt that he'd probably needed at least half of that bottle of Scotch before he could even start talking, but had still left the first glass he'd poured himself untouched.

"I've been meaning to tell you for so long," he began finally, his voice cracking. "I… it's just so hard. Even after so many years, I still have no words."

He ran a trembling hand through his hair and Aaron noticed the silent tears falling down his cheeks.

Dave took a few deep breaths, trying to swallow the lump in his throat so he could continue. Aaron waited patiently, letting him go at his own pace.

"We didn't know he had a heart condition. Everything had seemed normal on the ultrasounds. Everything had been perfect. Even when Carolyn went into labor everything went according to plan. We were not prepared for this to happen. We weren't prepared for him to die. "

Dave shook his head, the memory too clear as if it was happening all over again.

"Carolyn was almost ready to push when the doctor noticed his heart rate dropping very quickly. They did an emergency C-section, and even if everything went really quick, by the time they had him out he was already dead."

It was painful for Aaron having to watch Dave like that. He had a feeling that Dave had never talked about it with anyone before, at least not that detailed. Yet, he was sure that once everything was out, he would feel, if not better, then at least unburdened.

"We didn't realize at first. The doctors and nurses were rushing around us, and I was standing there, holding her hand as we were waiting to hear his first cries. But they never came. Not even one little whimpering."

Dave couldn't go on anymore. He broke down and buried his face in his hands, sobbing violently. Aaron was crying, too, feeling more helpless than he ever had before.

With a few quick steps he was at Dave's side, dropping to his knees in front of him and pulling him into his arms. He didn't know how much time passed as he was holding him, tightly wrapped in his arms, letting him cry into his chest. He didn't care how long it was, he would hold Dave as long as he would need it, ignoring the fact that his knees began to hurt after a while.

After so many years in which Dave had kept it all inside, all of the accumulated grief, anger, rage, was finally breaking out. Aaron understood why Dave had never told him.

He had been afraid that this would happen. He had been afraid that he would never be able to stop crying.

Eventually, though, the sobs began to quiet down, the tears running dry.

Aaron kept him in his embrace, rubbing circles across his back. He didn't say anything. There were no appropriate words, nothing that could give Dave any solace.

The band-aid over Dave's heart that had hidden the wound for so many years had been ripped off. All Aaron hoped was that the wound would now be able to heal. He would always be there to help him with that.

Reliving the situation had almost hurt more than it had back then, if that was even possible, Dave thought.

But when he finally calmed down and became aware of Aaron's strong and loving arms around his body, he felt as if the heaviest burden had been lifted from him. The pain was still there, but so was Aaron and together with him, he knew he would be able to heal. He and Jack would help him ease the pain.

Breaking out of Aaron's arms, he stood up, pulling his lover with him. When they both stood straight, Dave fell back in his embrace, clinging tightly to him.

"I'm so sorry I didn't tell you sooner, Aaron," he said, reluctantly separating from him again.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Dave. I understand."

They walked over to the couch where Mudgie had stretched out, shoo-ing him away, before sitting down close together.

"I was afraid you would accuse me of using Jack as a replacement for Jamie," Dave said after another moment of silence.

"Dave-" That thought hadn't even entered Aaron's mind.

"Aaron, please?"

Aaron nodded and let Dave finish.

"I could never blame you if you had. I asked myself that question more than once lately. You know, every time we play with Jack or read with him, I wonder about Jamie. About what he and I would have done together, about what he would have liked and hated. It seems so unfair that I never got to see him grow up."

Dave got up and went over to his big oak desk, taking a small, aged photograph from one of its drawers, handing it to Aaron as he sat back down.

"That's him. One of the nurses took it for us. I don't think either Carolyn or I would have even thought about taking one."

Aaron stared at the picture. The little baby had dark-brown hair, just like Dave, and was wrapped in a light blue blanket. He looked peaceful, as if he was sleeping. Someone who didn't know would never guess that he hadn't been alive anymore by the time the picture was taken.

"He was beautiful," Aaron whispered softly.

"Yes, he was."

A few tears were running down their cheeks again.

"After our divorce, I let Carolyn hold on to the photo. She gave it back to me a few minutes before she died. I haven't really been able to look at it until today. Maybe I should finally frame it and put it up somewhere."

"I think that's a great idea," Aaron said, taking Dave's hand.

"You remember when I told you that wife number 3 and I separated because we had expected different things from our lives?"

Aaron nodded.

"Diane wanted children. Before Jamie, as young as I had even been, I had always wanted them, too. But after we had lost him, I couldn't let myself go there again. I was so afraid this would happen again. With Joanne, it had been easier. She had never wanted kids, at least not with me. When you and Jack came into my life, I didn't really think about everything that could possibly happen. I just took the chance. I don't want you to feel like I'm using you for your son, because I'm not. I would want to be with you no matter what. But when you allowed me to be in his life, I just had to grasp it. I'm finally getting the chance to be a dad and it feels like the best thing that has ever happened. And I'm so afraid of losing it again."

Placing the photo on the table, Aaron took Dave's hand between his, bringing it up to his lips for a soft kiss.

"You won't. I promise you that I would never take it away from you."

"Thank you."

Smiling through is tears, Dave leaned over for a gentle kiss.

"I love you so much."

"I love you, too, Dave. For as long as you'll have us, we're yours."

As the happiness returned to his eyes, Dave knew that he had nothing to be afraid of anymore.

"How does forever sound?"

"Perfect."

~The End~