Chapter 4

"Relapse"

"Turn around, Morrigan. I will not let you get through to her." The old woman's eyes showed nothing but determination. No hostility whatsoever, but resolute nonetheless. Wynne could be like that when she had made up her mind. Severe, stubborn – but with that ever-controlled calmness. Never showing any aggression.

Well, Morrigan certainly did.

Wynne. Two guards. I've managed far worse odds. She wouldn't let it come to any kind of violence, though – not here, not now, not as long as she might still need Wynne's knowledge and Healing – but knowing that she could break through that door any time she wanted to, helped to keep her own façade up. "Well, well… A circle mage trying to give me orders. Ironic, isn't it?" she scoffed.

Wynne's face remained unmoved – naturally. "You can try to mock as much as you will. But I will not let you go to her. I will not let you hurt her."

The witch felt hot rage filling her up again. "Oh, and why would I do that, I wonder? Why didn't evil old me think of hurting her while I had the chance after she, you know, came to me by her own free will?" she said icily.

The old woman just shook her head sadly. "Oh, Morrigan. You know full well: it was exactly what you did. I have no idea why and how you did it, but I saw her coming down from your room. She didn't even seem to notice me as she stumbled though the hallway. But I saw her face. She had cried. Quite a lot. Tell me that this wasn't your doing, Morrigan. Surprise me."

Oh, she wanted to tell her – she actually wanted to bark the truth at that old woman's face just to see her eyes popping out in disbelief. She really wanted to, but…

But, she's right, isn't she? You did make her cry. She had grown to really hate that annoying voice in her head. The girl came up to you to thank you for saving her life. And what did you do? Why couldn't she just shut it away…? You insulted and humiliated her, you threw pieces of her darkest memories right at her when she least expected…when she was weak and vulnerable. Why? Because that is what you do, woman! Bringing pain, misery and despair to all those around you. And now you possibly sent her back into the poison's grasp. Because you couldn't help but spoil the one good moment the girl has had in the past days by sending her away after kissing her.

More or less helplessly overwhelmed by her own mind she just tried to stare at Wynne as defiantly as possible. "You have no idea", she spat out.

But do I? Really? Morrigan could only imagine how dejected Leliana must have looked like when she had left her room. Being sent off like that after...that inicident.

"I am rather glad that I haven't", the mage replied. "Because I certainly wouldn't want to know what is going on in that wicked mind of yours. Which brings us back to the point where I will not let you through to her."

This is pointless. "Do as you wish, old woman. But at least tell me this: When will she wake up again? When will she make you look like the fool you most certainly are by deciding for herself that she actually wants to talk to me – whether you like it or not?"

"I don't know when that will be. I don't even know, if…" She seemed to bite her lip. Morrigan glared at her. "If what?" Of course she knew the answer to it. '…if she will ever wake up again'. Yes, Morrigan. This time you might actually have sent her to her grave. "If what, Wynne? Is she…?"

Wynne's face did show some emotion this time. Sadness, obviously. "I…don't know. She might be in deep sleep to recover, or she might be in a coma or beyond reach in the Fade. She might be pulling through…or there might be no hope at all. It is a vile poison, this one. It's not…"

Morrigan didn't hear any more as she spun around and strode down the corridor as fast as she could. Away from Wynne. Away from…this. She felt a lump in her throat. Yes, she actually felt physically sick. Is that my doing? Am I really the one killing her? Is that what I truly want...or what I can't help but do anyway? My nature?

Thoughts raced through her head as she opened the door and burst into the keep's yard. The faces of some surprised soldiers stared at her. Why? Did she look any different? Or were they just gawking at her like men usually did? No matter. I don't have time for this.

The main door was open as usually by this time of day. Behind it, the Wilds called out to her. That was the only way. Her safe haven. She had no idea, whether it would be better if she stayed here and tried to get into that room or if she just ran away. Better for whom? Me or her? Or both of us? Was there…something in her eye?

A look straight ahead suddenly made it clear. She knew what to do now. She wasn't able to think straight like this. She needed…another shape. For an hour. Maybe two. Find a new perspective. Think this through. Clear your mind. Yes, only the rational mind was able to make rational decisions. And you have been irrational for too long.

She almost ran towards the gate. Towards the familiar surrounding of the Wilds.

"Maker's breath, that was quick!" Her own words echoed in Leliana's head. But seeing the witch again so soon…that just had to mean something, right?

She touched my forehead. She never used to touch me. Her mind was racing again. Just a second ago she had felt like falling into deep sleep – the shadow of certain failure embracing her. Soft and tender like a gentle lover, but with a darkness to it that you felt in your bones – each kiss poisonous. Leliana knew that image all too well. Luckily, she had been the shadow back then.

But now, just the blink of an eye later, she was woken up by the very woman she had thought lost forever. And she touched me.

Still: as she looked into Morrigan's mysterious yellow eyes, there was something odd despite the warm and comfortable feeling. Something was different. Only different? Or wrong?

"What is that supposed to mean?" asked the witch.

Leliana tried to concentrate. "Well, we just talked a few minutes ago, yes?"

Morrigan's eyes seemed to widen.

Something is wrong, isn't it?

Angrily Morrigan wiped the blood out of her face and stared down at the dead bear before her. Her limbs still hurt from the fight – a fight she hadn't picked. It was the bear's fault!

No, it wasn't. It had been the spider-form. She had lost control; let the animal instincts take over, go hunting. Kill.

Looking around, Morrigan saw that there was no one around. Of course not. Why would someone be here now?

It was irritating. She had planned to go out for an hour, leave it all behind, find inner peace again. Instead she had felt driven the whole time – how long had it been, since she left the keep? – losing control of herself in the spider. Then there had been that bear. And it had gotten really ugly. She had fought fiercely and wild – like the animal she was…or had been then. It had taken all her effort to leave that shape again. It had never taken her any effort to do that before.

She gave out a raging cry and kicked the corpse's head. "Why did you have to be in my way? Why wake the spider? You brought that upon yourself!"

Why so angry? It was just an animal.

"I don't kill animals just for the sake of it!" Morrigan shouted out, too furious to wonder why she answered to her own thoughts.

You don't...too often. It has happened before.

"I lost control. 'Twas the spider."

It was not. And you know that. You just unleashed what is in you – what is you. Bringing poison, misery and destruction. That's what you do. Poisoning. . It is your purpose.

"'Tis not!" she protested. "My purpose is gaining power, getting stronger and ultimately: surviving. The other things are nothing but necessities to make sure I succeed."

Ah, so rationality has finally found you again. It was about time. So why all the sudden anger about that damage you caused on your way?

"Because I didn't want to damage her!" She gasped at her own words. Had she really just said that?

So it's about the bard again?

"Yes. 'Tis about the…about Leliana."

Oh, the name-thing? Seriously? So you're already playing her game, yes?

"I am most certainly not playing anyone's game!"

She walked away from the corpse…or from the voice. She wasn't sure at all. She tried to focus on the forest instead. Home. Peace. That was what she had been longing for. The whole reason to ran away had been finding control again. Which was working very well, considering that she has just killed an animal twice her size and was talking with herself…

She sunk down onto the dry forest floor. A familiar feeling.

She brought it upon herself, you know. Of course. It would have been just too easy if she could have left the voice behind her like the bear…

It was her own fault. Barely on her feet again, running to you for sweet-talk? That's suicidal. Surviving one poison just to take another...

"I could have prevented it."

How? By being nice? Who are you kidding?

"By seeing the signs. And such there must have been. If I had been focused, I could have seen that she was not fully recovered."

Why is that so important? What is she if not the best example for someone much weaker than you.

"Most people are. That doesn't mean that I wanted her to – possibly die." The thought was frightening. Leliana could be dead by now and she wouldn't even know.

You've always been oblivious to the lament of weaker humans. That's what is making you strong.

"No. 'Tis what's making me miserable at the end of the day. Magic makes me strong. Taking control, thinking straight, doing what needs to be done – what others don't dare. 'Tis that, which is making me strong."

So, again: Why is she of any significance to you?

"Because she has become more…interesting." That was a good point, actually. And so she finally had found her explanation why she had saved Leliana: suddenly a new interesting dimension on the girl had emerged by the knowledge she had gained in that situation with Marjolaine. That was a good explanation…and a completely rational one. She could deal with 'interesting'.

But you don't just kiss 'interesting'.

Admittedly, her other voice was right about that. Luckily, she did in fact not do that to anyone she found remotely fascinating.

So, do you want to sleep with her? Is that it?

"No!" she protested – more out of instinct than anything else. "I mean…yes, I think I do. But that's not all of it."

That's the only thing there is. You said it yourself once: It all comes down to sex. The rest, all this nonsense about feelings and emotions is just a wishful fancy.

"I did say such things, yes. But those were Flemeth's teachings, not mine."

…which have been good enough for you up until now.

"Yes. Until now. Before I had this – this experience with her. That was different from everything I ever felt before."

How?

"I don't know. I don't…" Morrigan was searching for words. "It was…deeper. You know it! You were there, too. You must have felt it, too!"

Morrigan, you are talking with yourself here. You can safely presume that I am the part of you that doesn't accept that there was anything remarkable in that...situation. The only thing I see is that you're losing it – losing strength because of these deceptive glimpses of emotion. You are losing your path because of a Chantry girl, who should be your enemy.

"No, I am taking new perspectives. I am no longer bound to the code of the woman who wanted to nullify my existence for her own immortality. 'Tis what makes me better than the Chantry and its teachings: I am free. I do not see the world in black and white, but notice that there's sometimes more than meets the eye. I am not bound to any laws. I decide for myself. And I can adjust the rules of my game when I see fit."

The voice was silent for a moment. Quite a relief.

Agreed.

That was surprising. She hadn't expected so much insight from herself. Or she had. She was not sure. This was confusing…

Agreed, that you are a free person and that this places you above all others. Agreed, that you are wise and know better than just accepting one truth, when there might be more. Agreed, that this is part of what you are. Still, there is a contradiction: You forget the most important thing about what you are…what you do – strength, power and survival. How can you be true to yourself by establishing a weakness in yourself?

"Caring for Leliana does not weaken me. It makes me stronger."

How so?

"Because with her I can go where I did not dare before. To the dark place."

Another pause.

Interesting. Care to elaborate?

"In her I did find the one who can understand the Betrayal. She understands. She knows. When the images of Flemeth returned, I suddenly realized how I had avoided those memories. Fled from the mere thought of mother. With Flemeth, that is certainly not a wise thing to do. Ignorance. Shutting one's eyes."

And now?

"'Tis is now that I do not longer fear confronting the Pain because she is there as well. And she is the only person I know who understand the dark place the way I do. When we…when we embraced each other, I felt the strength to enter it again. Because she will do anything to help me out if I do happen to get lost."

You do realize she only ran away from her own dark place? How can you be sure that she won't flee from this as well?

Morrigan took a deep breath and tried to speak, but it seemed as if it was Leliana's voice coming out, repeating the words from before: "We were in this together. That was how it worked."

That was what she had said about her reason to fight Flemeth back then. Years ago. At a time when she had no reason to even consider them to be friends. And still she had fought. Against the most legendary Witch of the Wilds. Without even knowing the reason. 'Because that was how it worked…'

The voice inside remained silent.

"You see it now, don't you?"

Yes. She may run from herself. But she will never run away from those who mean something to her. A strange girl, indeed.

"She does those things."

She's not really as weak as you thought, is she?

Morrigan shook her head. And smiled.

Another pause.

So, you are not planning on turning your life around the way she did? Starting to care for other people now?

"Of course not!" she replied indignantly. "I am just…making this one exception."

The voice inside her head went quiet. It was a strange feeling, coming to terms with herself again. She felt…at peace. In control again.

Well. What do we do now? Her mind had cleared up, the anger was gone. The bear – insignificant now. She inhaled the fresh air. Only one way to go.

Get up. Get back. Get the girl.