months later, March 24th
Another band meeting, another day where I haven't had a peak of sleep. I feel this band falling apart, eight years of my life wasted, two big tours, so many gigs, so many uplifted moments in my life, gone. Brooke is so funny with me and Shaun talking whilst I'm single. She thinks I want him back, of course I still love Shaun, no one ever stops being in love, but I wouldn't go back there. Bradie beeped the car horn outside, I ran out and realized it was pouring rain. Oh goodie, I ran into the car, Bradie starting to back out as I did up the seatbelt.
"Shaun said he has something to tell us" I looked at Bradie concerned
"what?" oh god, he didn't knock up Brooke did he? He didn't ask to marry her? Oh please, god no.
"I don't know, he didn't seem too happy but"
oh yep. Definitely pregnant. "Still hoping good news?"
"Possibly, who knows."
"kay" I looked out the window, biting my lip. My memory always seems to fade away most of the good stuff, most bad things never fade away. My brain is a delusional shell, believes it's happy when my heart knows it's not. Bradie stopped in front of the studio, we got out, I made my way inside and saw Shaun, he looked like he had some panic attack or something. It has to be Brooke. I walked into the room where he was with Bradie, I looked at Trevor and Lee, they looked fine, maybe not Brooke then?
"Shaun, what happened…?"
"I got asked…to uh…to go solo" he sighed
My gut dropped, wait, what, no. please, I have to be dreaming.
"I have a week to decide solo, or stack. I know I could be happier going solo, but stack is like our baby"
"why can't you do both?" Bradie asked, he didn't seem as upset as I was about to be.
"different label" Shaun bit his lip, I felt so claustrophobic for some reason.
"I need a second" I said and quickly ran into the kitchen area, sitting on the couch that was in there, Brooke suddenly walked in with a cherry cola, couldn't I be alone for a second or two?
"Brooke" I said in a slightly pissed off tone.
"Oh, hey Andy" she went awkward. I pulled out my phone, Brooke walked away. What is she even doing here. I suddenly heard loud sobbing coming from the room, Shaun, I got up and opened the door to see Shaun snuggled into Brooke's chest having some nervous breakdown or something, this was heartbreaking for two reasons. One, seeing him like this and two, someone else's arms around the man I loved, I felt tears come to my eyes. I breathed deeply and sat next to Lee, we were all so silent as Shaun cried. Bradie tried to comfort him.
"I don't know what to do! Imagine the fans, I can't, I really can't."
"Baby, do what you think will make you happy, we're all going to be here for you, this is your future you're talking about. Do what you think is best, we're all gonna be here, right guys?" Brooke said, everyone nodded, I nodded along, what am I doing.
"I'll do whatever Shaun wants, I like producing, that would be awesome and Andy likes directing."
"I-I still need to think this through" Shaun sat up and wiped his eyes, I was completely silent but on the inside I was screaming.
"you have a week…" Trevor said, I got up
"Bradie, I wanna go home now…" I said softly, sure, Bradie can easily get a job as a producer at some music business, Shaun will go off have fun being solo and I can do directing but maybe I don't want to do directing? I was hoping to have to do that when I'm in my late 30's at least. I never thought I'd see this day. Never.
Once we got home I grabbed a six pack of beer and went to my room. I'm soooo gonna get a job when I'm always depressed and like drinking. I'm not exactly an alcoholic but I sure like to drink, I'm a happy drunk, I feel sorry for Bradie though having to pick me up when I passout and shit. I sat at my desk, I still wouldn't shed a tear. I haven't since Justine, I don't want to cry, I cracked open the lid and started drinking, to think two days ago was Bradie's birthday and Shaun acted like everything was okay. How can he. How? I did my internet lurking, seeing what fans were up to, after sculling down at least 8 or so drinks, I felt slightly intoxicated. I started laughing at whatever the fuck I'm watching on YouTube, I got up and laid on my bed stroking my pillow softly.
"pillow, you so soft, you've had people I've loved so dearly on you, their beautiful hair and now you're all mine to cuddle" I said to my pillow, I know I'm insane but eh, it's a fucking pillow.
I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket, my immature brain instantly thought 'vibrator' I giggled in my head and pulled it out, pressing answer.
"hellloooooooo, Andy speaking"
"it's Shaun, you seemed awfully quiet today and yeah"
"Look, Shaun, my good ol' friend. I am O.K. never worry bout me" I said, hiccupping out of nowhere.
"Andy…are you drunk"
"fuck no man, are you?"
"no?"
"then I'm not" I continued "hey you, how long have you been asked to do this solo thingy mabob?"
"honestly…a month or so"
"you fucking dickhead" I scoffed
"hey, I just didn't know how to say it okay you drunk fuck"
"don't go off at me, or as I said, the bands overrrr"
"you know, I'm not happy with stack, I'm not happy with the album"
"why's that?'
"It reminds me of you…"
I laughed "oh honey, baby, you're so selfish"
"how?"
"you trying to choose my career, who said I wanted to be a director, sure, I like it, don't mean I want to do it for the rest of my life and poor Bradie"
"Bradie said he wouldn't mind. He knows people that can get him a good job in producing"
"mhm okay then, you're probably gonna say yes so you and Brooke can have a perfect life with all the celebrities you'll work with because they're better than meeee"
"Andy-"
"no seriously, man, you only live once so go fucking nuts, without me, you just think for a minute, you THINK about this okay, you can go have your fucking perfect life with your dog and your perfect little woman in your own apartment, oh yeah, Bradie's moving out soon so yay for being alone"
"you know what, fuck you, you're being the biggest douche, making me feel like shit, not like I'm hurt enough from choosing this!"
"Shaun, you can take my patronising behaviour as a confirmation or as a 'fuck no, you're staying'"
"I don't even know what to say to you. I think we're done here. I think it's over. I still have a little while, but I'm done with this bitchiness and fighting and not being happy. Goodbye Andy"
"Shaun, wait!" and the phone was going 'beep…beep…beep' what have I just done. I can't even think. I went on facebook and typed up a status that looked a tad blurry 'The awkward moment when your jealous/patronising nature gets mistaken for content/approval.' Thank fuck for auto correct. I posted it and sighed. I wasn't going to remember this in the morning. I still have a week to stop this. Keep fighting Andy, you'll win this.
Thursday 29th of March…
All week I've tried to stay strong, I can't even think straight. I walked into the studio for what could be the last time, the fans never even got to hear what we've been working on. I walked into the room, sitting at the table, Shaun was signing a paper, the paper to break the contract. I felt myself tense up.
"It's for the best…" Bradie calmly said, putting his hand on my back. Shaun slowly slid the paper across the table to me, this has got to be my fault. I started to shake as I grabbed the pen, I breathed deeply as I signed it slowly, putting the pen down, I put my palms onto my eyes so I wouldn't let tears run. I'm not going to let this happen.
"Been nice working with you boys" Trevor said
"Now, we have to figure out what to do about the fans" I heard Bradie say
"This is going to kill them" Shaun mumbled
"can we release Art Vandelay? Or can't that happen?"
"Bradie, I said I didn't want it released, I want to forget about the past"
"what if we just release the Soul video clip and that's it" Lee said
I stood up "You'll regret this Shaun, I can't take this anymore, I can't." I felt tears well into my eyes "t-this was my life, now I-I've lost it, my last 8 years are down the drain, did you ever think that one song won't be enough? We could have just cancelled the album and made a different one. Fucking hell. I-I can't stand this. I need to go" I shook Trevor and Lee's hands, hugging them both quickly then walked out, getting into my car and smashed my head on the steering wheel as I bursted into tears, I let it all out, I sobbed loudly, I felt my breathing get heavy, I was breaking down, I started to shake. I hate Shaun. I hate him. I started my car and looked up, Shaun was making his way out, I put my foot on the accelerator and made my way back home. I'm not going to cut myself, I won't let this swallow me.
I got home and ran inside, closing my door, leaning against it as the tears began to fall again, I need to brainstorm, think ahead. What'll be next for me? But all the memories from tours and ect. Was clouding over my mind. I just need sleep. This can't even be happening, I heard arguing from Bradie and Gerald about it, I heard a knock on the door, I opened it to see mum.
"Andy…" She frowned, I sniffed and wiped my eyes, smiling over the sadness.
"H-Hey"
"you alright bub?" She put her hand on my shoulder, I nodded
"m-mhm…I'll be okay, I-I'll start something new"
"I know how much you relied on this band"
"y-yeah…"
"I made dinner-"
"not hungry, just sleepy, night mum" I kissed her cheek lightly then closed the door on her, resting my head on the door. I could write my own music, but who am I kidding. I'm not that good at guitar, I can barely even sing, most fans love it but I'm not good, not compared to Shaun. Bradie will do producing and what not. They're going to get so far whilst I sit here slowly getting older. Talking about getting older. 24 next month. I sighed and crashed on the bed, taking my clothes off again and getting under the covers, taking off my bracelets and resting them on the bed side table, I looked at my white wrist, tiny little scars, only a tad lighter than my actual skin colour, thank fuck for being white. I ran my finger over them. I'm stuck with these forever. I breathed deeply and snuggled up. Slowly drifting to the place where I couldn't be hurt. My dreams.
I woke up slowly and checked the time, it's 3pm then realized I had a bunch of text messages from friends 'hey bud, you okay?!' 'sucks to hear about stack mate, all the best xx' 'Andy?' and more, I just felt my gut drop, it's all true, it's all over. I sat up slowly and grabbed my laptop, opening it and going on safari, going onto facebook. My newsfeed was all fans saying how upset they are, how heart broken, how much we meant to them, some were wondering if I was okay. I had 5 inboxes. I sighed and went onto the stack page, what Shaun had written made tears well up into my eyes. I sighed and went onto my page, thinking of what to post. I started writing 'so apparently short stack have broken up. . . fuck i gotta start paying more attention in meetings ha' I found that a bit funny and decided to tweet that instead, then I sat there staring at the screen, thinking what to write, I sighed and started writing 'So im sure by now you've heard the news, Stack is no longer the new black. The past eight years have been a blast, from Budgewoi to Buckingham we've met so many amazing people on so many amazing adventures. I will cherish these days till im wrinkly and old but its time to close this chapter and start a new one. Im excited for the future, so many amazing things to come, including the next musical endeavour which work has just begun (not actually trying to make that rhyme haha ). It might turn out awesome, it might turn out shit, but if theres one thing Iv learnt being in The Stack, its that you can be whoever you want as long as you put your heart, mind and soul into it.
Speaking of "SOUL" i hope you all like our last ever release. I was given the privilege to direct and edit the video. Seemed fitting that our last ever video was shot in the same rehearsal room where it all began eight years ago (fun fact). It cost a whopping $100 so im super proud of how it turnout and i hope you are too. It would mean the world to me if you could forward it to all your friends.
Thats all from me for now but from the bottom of my heart, thanks for the laughs, thanks for the tears, thanks for putting up with all my antics over the years (ha ok that rhyme was on purpose).
its been fun bitchaaaassss
x andy' I swallowed the lump in my throat, I at least wanted to sound happy so the fans didn't think I was miserable. I pressed 'post' and saw comments from statuses, fans so sad, fans telling me some have decided to kill themselves. This can't be true. It can't be. I slammed my laptop closed and felt tears escape my eyes, this is going to be so hard for me.