Ch. 32 Despair and Fire Whiskey

Severus leaned onto the mantel of the potions office hearth and took another shot of fire whisky, his fourth so far. Clenching his jaw his mind raced back and forth over the past year. A year ago at this time he would have been annoyingly readying himself for the coming term, but blissfully unaware that soon a person would enter his life that would shake him to his very core, and then heartlessly destroy it. In this past summer of hell Severus' mind and soul reeled through hope, hurt, anger, agony and despair as he came to slowly realize she was gone. That night in June when everything he had hoped for was destroyed was still fresh in his mind.

Recalling how he awoke from a dream of terror that she needed him, and rushed down the hall in a panicked search only to run to a group of other professors' lead by Headmaster Dumbledore and two of the Gryffindor trio. They quickly informed Severus that the Potter boy was in danger and with the stone. Severus knew instantly that she was in that room, and she too was in danger. Quickly he joined the group as they made their way up to the third floor hallway, past the security measures and into the final chamber. Instantly they saw Potter, lying on the floor unconscious but alive. As the others rushed to tend to Harry, Severus nervously let his eyes glance over the room.

"She is here, I know it! I feel it!" Severus thought to himself

In that same movement his gaze caught something from behind the mirror, someone was laying there. In a moment he was at her side, she was lying face down not moving, Severus knelt down and placed hand on her back as terror entered his body once again, and he called out in a strained voice.

"I found someone else; it's… its Tabatha! She's hurt!"

Headmaster Dumbledore looked up from Harry and towards the sound of Severus voice, and quickly walked over.

"Oh, dear! Looks as if Quirrell got to two of them…" Dumbledore shook his head sadly and placed his hand on Severus should. "Fear not though my boy, she is very much alive." Severus looked back into the old wizards kind blue eyes, but found little comfort.

Dumbledore then called out towards the larger group. "Hagrid would you please come and assist Professor Snape in bring Ms. Rewolf to the infirmary"

Hagrid moved quickly and soon had Tabatha securely in his arms; giving a woeful and knowing nod to Professor Snape he quickly left the chamber, as Dumbledore himself carried Harry Potter behind them.

For three days and nights again Severus kept a vigil over his precious friend, this time with the add company of Keir who refused to leave his mistresses bedside. On the afternoon of the third day both of Quirrell victims awoke, however though Harry seemed quite himself Tabatha was silent. She would sit there staring off the only signal to the outside word that she was even present was her eyes. They would move as if she was contemplating something very important over and over again. There was nothing Severus could to do wake her from this trance, at first he tried reasoning, then pleading, finally in a fit of anger he stormed out of the infirmary and to Dumbledore's office.

Dumbledore received him with not an ounce of surprise.

"I was wondering how long it would take for you to see me dear boy." He pleasantly quipped as he poured tea for them both.

Severus was in no mood for the old man's lighthearted disposition on the matter

"Well I'm glad you're so chipper about this, aren't you even the tad bit worried that Tabatha's been awake for days and has yet to say one word to me… or better yet to anyone!" Severus sneered as he harshly took the tea cup.

Dumbledore again smiled as he took his own chair causing Severus to feel his boiling point rise. "Well my boy, I do say that Ms. Rewolf must have gone through something extraordinary and alarming to put her into such a state and…"

"Oh so her being catatonic is an expected symptom? Are you telling me to just deal with the fact her mind is now pudding?" Severus boomed as he jumped up from his chair and started to pace franticly.

The older wizard stood up and walked towards his younger companion. "Severus, I understand how much she means to you…"

"Do you? Do you now? You know understand that?" Severus looked back at Dumbledore his generally controlled black eyes a glow with emotion.

Dumbledore peered at Severus the gears in his mind working. "Well yes my boy" a small smile formed on his lips "indeed I think I do."

Severus jerked away from the gaze of the headmaster and quickly shook his head. "So what are we going to do?"

"I firmly believe that Tabatha is working though her thoughts right now, whatever happened with Quirrell caused something to enter her mind. When she is done I'm sure she will return to all of us." Dumbledore soothingly spoke.

Severus glared back at the old wizard. He knew how wise, powerful and often right the old man was. "So that's it is it? We just wait and see what happens?" Severus exhaled as he folded his arms. "We just wait and have faith everything turns out?"

Again Dumbledore smiled as he put his arm around Severus and walked him towards the door. "Yes my boy that is what we are going to do" opening the door he again looked at Severus "Remember faith is one of the three greatest things."

"Faith!" Severus scoffed again downing his now fifth shot of fire whiskey. Faith didn't help much with the events that followed. Oh yes Dumbledore right Tabatha would snap out of her trance, however the old wizards was off on a few points.

Only two days after his introduction to faith was Severus inducted into harsh reality of it. Severus had gone out to Hogsmeade to run routine errands for himself and the school. The day itself to that point was uneventful though his mind kept returning to Tabatha, and his attempts at having faith in the situation. It wasn't until late afternoon that Severus finally was able to make his evening visit to Tabatha's bedside, and when he got there he was met with a shock.

"Where is she?" Severus bellowed towards Madam Pomfrey's office. "Pomfrey, Where is Ms. Rewolf!" Severus stormed towards the office as the older witch came out holding her hands up trying to calm the agitated potion's master.

"Shh.. Professor Snape you're disturbing my entire ward, please calm yourself" Madam Pomfrey knew that might be all but an impossible task "She came to earlier today and requested to see Headmaster Dumbledore. She has not been back since!"

Severus didn't acknowledge the old matron and quickly walked towards the door. Why would Tabatha request to see Dumbledore first? Why not him? Why would she not even seek him out after she awoke? Severus mulled his thoughts over and over as he finally made it to Dumbledore's office.

Almost bursting in he entered the chamber "Ok where is she? Pomfrey said she wanted to see you first, so where is she now?" Severus snorted cooly

Dumbledore stood up from behind his desk and slowly extended his hand to the chair that sat infront "Severus my friend, sit down a moment please"

Severus paused, his mind working slowly as he moved towards the chair. Looking at Dumbledore his eyes not their usual brightness, in fact they held a hit of sadness. "My friend" that was not a common phrase uttered by the old wizard either. Severus became increasingly alarmed.

"W..where is Tabatha" His eyes never left Dumbledore's as he felt his pulse quicken and breath grow shorter. "Is… she..is she ok?"

"Severus I think you might want to sit…"

"No!" Severus poignantly spat back "Just tell me"

Dumbledore gave a long sigh. "She's gone Severus."

"Gone? What do you mean gone?" Severus grabbed the back of the chair for support

"She left Hogwarts. Today she came to me and told me that after her run in with Quirrell she started to remember things, many things. She needed to find answers, she need to find out who she was." Dumbledore looked away "So she told me she wanted to leave, and so she did."

"You let her leave!" Severus voice started to raise "how could you let her leave!" he shoved the chair causing it to jump and hit the floor hard.

Dumbledore moved quickly from behind his desk trying to reason with Severus "I couldn't force her to stay, you know that! She's wasn't a prisoner here she was our guest."

"What about her being too power and not having control over it, it was a good enough reason for you to thrust that witch on my lap, not good enough to have you make her stay?" Severus flung his hands away from Dumbledore. "The rules get to change as you see fit old man? Is that how it works?"

"Severus… She is different now; there was a level of control and composer in her that I have never seen in her before. She is no threat."

"So where did she go? You must know" Severus walked towards the chamber wall

Again he heard a sigh coming from the headmasters lips "She doesn't want you to know Severus."

"Come again?" Severus spun around "She what? She doesn't want… me to know? That's impossible, I'm her closest… she's my… You should have known then she was not in her right mind and stopped her!"

"Sadly no." Dumbledore's eyes sank deeper into sadness "I was quite sure she was with in her facilities"

Severus paused for a moment his eyes darted back and forth he looked up at the old wizard his black eyes ablaze.

"No… your… your wrong old man…" he pointed his finger towards the headmaster, "I knew her better than anyone else, she would not have left without seeing me and she would have left orders for you to hind her whereabouts if she was in her right mind. Your wrong and I will prove you wrong".

In a flash of black Severus raced out of the office and down the hall towards the dungeons as Dumbledore sat back into his chair with a defeated huff.

"Oh my boy how I wish I was wrong".

Severus frantically threw open the door to the potions office

"Tabs… Tabatha where are you" he called as he raced into her room.

Looking around he saw empty dresser drawers still open, everything removed from them. Every item she owned was gone.

Realization slowly hit him as he stood there turning around slowly taking in every part of the now empty Tabatha-less room. Slowly he moved out of the room and found his way to the old sofa in by the potions office hearth; sitting there he let the truth of the situation hit him. She was gone; she had left him without a goodbye, a note, or even allowing him to know where it was she went. Tears appeared in his black eyes, not just for the morning loss of Tabatha but for his own stupidity to believe she ever cared about him. Severus was unsure about a lot of things but he was damn sure if you cared or loved someone you didn't just leave them.

Looking at her bedroom door through his tears he raised his wand "Colloportus". His voice was almost a whisper as the magic from the spell sealed her door, then Severus fell in a heap of sorrow and despair.

Lifting his sixth shot of fire whiskey to his lips Severus was again looking at the door. His jaw tensed and his dark eyes flashed with emotion. She had left without word and over the last three months she had not once tried to reach him. Severus tried to hate her, oh Merlin how he tried, however he was sure that somehow all this was his fault as well, his torment for his past sins, his own personal hell. Lifting his head back he downed the last shot and slammed the glass on mantel and looked at the clock. It was close to time for the first night feast and he was in no mood to deal with anyone let alone a great hall full of noisy annoying little prats.

Pulling his robes on Severus was opening the door when standing in front of him was Mr. Filch. Severus quickly took a startled step back then pulling his waist coat down looked directly at the caretaker.

"What is so important Argus that you're loitering around my office door? Severus coldly spat

Argus Filch smiled a crooked smile has he held up a copy of that evenings prophet. Severus stared at the head line, "FLYING FORD ANGLIA MYSTIFIES MUGGLES". Severus pulled the paper out of Filch's hand and started to read.

"Oh, um also I thought you'd be interested to know that Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley were not on the train this afternoon." Argus smiled got even more sinister.

Severus slowly looked up brow furrowed, "Go on Argus…."

Suddenly a loud thump was heard from right out the dungeon wall, Severus and Filch ran to the small window and peered out into the night. In front of them was the weeping willow and in its branches was the same Ford Anglia being tossed around like a matchbox car. In one finally toss the car fell to earth and out ejected two figures. Severus teeth clenched as his made out who they were.

"Potter and Weasley!" Severus hissed, and with that dashed out of his office, with a snickering Filch behind him.

Making their way up to the grounds Severus paused and finally spotted the two near a window to the great hall. Quietly walking over he paused as he heard their remarks.

"Maybe he left because he missed out on the Defense against Dark Arts job again!" Harry giggled "Or he might have been sacked!" said Ron excitedly. "I mean, everyone hates him-"

Severus felt a nerve being hit and as he took as step finally made his presence known "Or maybe he's waiting to hear why you two didn't arrive on the school train". Both boys spun around to come face to face with a very talk very angry Severus Snape.

"Now come with me!" Snape snapped as he led the boys back inside and down to the potions office.

"Not only are you both seeming too good to take the train back to Hogwarts, but you also not only broke the law for underage magic but you managed to have at least 6 muggles see you do it in the processes! If it was up to me you'd be heading home this moment expelled!" Severus stood up and looked down at the boys. "However that is not my call." With that the door to potions off was opened and in walked both Professor McGonagall and Headmaster Dumbledore.

Severus moved back and waited for some sense of victory, some bit of warped justice to be dished out. He was in a horrible mood and his misery exceedingly wanted company. However again he would be disappointed as he heard McGonagall dole out a far less sever punishment of a note home and detention. Severus could hardly believe his ears and his blood began to boil. Silently he watched as McGonagall led the boys out of his office, following behind them was Dumbledore.

"Sir, could I a moment." Severus sneered.

"Yes my boy of course" Dumbledore smiled and let the rest leave before shutting the door.

As soon as the door shut Severus anger flooded to the surface. "That was a very lenient punishment for a very major offence." Severus stammered "Those menaces should have been expelled"!

The Headmaster looked carefully at Severus "That was for Professor McGonagall to decide; they are in her house… You know that." He led a bit of authority hit Severus with that last remark.

Severus could stand it no longer. "I see so again the rules mean nothing, changes at will do they. Anyone can do anything they want as long as serves the good of Hogwarts it is? Oh no how could we dare expel the precious 'boy who lived'!" Severus boomed.

"That is enough Severus!" Dumbledore boomed back. "I know you've been though a lot but let's not forget that I am the headmaster here!" Severus eyes darted to the floor in anger in shame for losing his temper.

Dumbledore stepped towards the quite potions master and put his hand on his shoulder. "Severus, you can't do this to yourself. I told you before to have faith, now have some in yourself. You are very needed here you know that, and nothing but time is going to stop the hurt your feeling over Ms. Rewolf leaving."

Severus didn't look up but slowly nodded his head "Yes sir, I apologize for that outburst".

Dumbledore smiled again and patted Severus shoulder. "Good now rest up tomorrow is our first day of classes, and I hear breakfast will be interesting." Severus was hardly listening but nodded as the headmaster made his way to the door.

"Oh and Severus" Dumbledore paused before exiting "lay off the fire whiskey ok." With that the door was closed and Severus was alone again.

Walking over to the small dungeon window Severus looked up at the moon. "Where are you?" he thought to himself as he stared for what seemed like an eternity before turning around and heading to his own sleeping chamber for another restless night's sleep.

Somewhere out in the night in a dark wood another pair of eyes, ones with golden flecks, was also looking up at the moon.