Usually I type up a particular song that has inspired me during each chapter I have made...So obviously, the song called "Sweater Weather" By "The Neighbourhood" had inspired me when typing up this chapter.
Chapter 10: Cigarettes.
-Now switching to Gilbert's perspective, everything that is now transpiring in Gilbert's life is great and he couldn't have felt more relieved and happy, but just what exactly is happening between him and Oz? Was it something good or bad? And what exactly DOES he feel towards the teen?-
Gilbert walks to the direction of the employee's only parking lot located on the other side of the Pandora Hearts Hospital, with quick strides and nervous glances in every direction. Just one of the many quirks that comes along with Gilbert Nightray, security guard to the hospital, and bodyguard for the infamous Oz Vessalius…And he couldn't have felt—and looked—more stumped and depressed.
What the hell was going through his mind when Oz had stated those tantalizing and secretive words of: "And I'll owe you a favor back…Whatever you want, whenever."
The mere words made Gilbert's mouth water in anticipation once the teen had stated it so secretively and…Achingly erotic.
And that to Gilbert, made him feel like such a perv!
'What the hell is wrong with me? And it just wasn't that time too!' Gilbert screams inside his head as he slouches his shoulders forward and drags his feet behind him once another set of words and shy glance—that had just transpired between him and Oz—flash through his mind.
He pulled the teen closer, for something more than a mere pat on the head—while they were standing in front of the inpatient dorm building not 5 minutes ago. What Gilbert was about to do was unforgivable and…Achingly erotic. He was about to kiss the teen.
Kiss!
On the lips, mouth to mouth.
And that was another thing that got Gilbert's mind racing with possible situations, good and bad. How the teenager would've reacted if maybe he had gone through with that sudden impulse, maybe Oz would've pushed him away, kneed him in the groin and spit in his face the harsh word "faggot". Or maybe…Oz would've leaned in closer, with his small hands tugging at his hair, and pulling them all the more closer, with a dreamy sigh and with inexperienced lips and tongue's playing together in an open mouthed kiss.
But like that would ever happen, because Gilbert. Did. Not. Go. For. It.
And that was why Gilbert was now walking towards his vehicle, with Ada Vessalius and his younger brother Vincent most likely waiting inside, with depressed sighs and frustrated sounding groans. He was a 24-year-old man for Christ sake! And Oz was only 16!
They were complete opposites at that!
Oz was more out-going, unpredictable, sly, devious, playful and welcoming, while he on the other hand, was not out-going, was completely predictable—to the point where Oz can tell just what exactly he was going to do and say without he even having the knowledge of at the time—he was anything but devious, in fact he was downright nervous when it came to anything, he wasn't playful, sure he likes to argue, but only because sometimes, he could learn a few things about a person with quick arguments and tongue lashing, and he was NOT welcoming, his whole demeanor and air around him just screamed "Nervous!" or "Shy!" or just plain ol' "Miserable!"
Those weren't the only things that he and Oz were complete opposites in, it was also their height differences, their age differences, their body language, and just about everything that came with their bodies and personalities!
But even with all those negative traits and differences, Gilbert couldn't help but not feel the pull of Oz.
He couldn't help himself, he wanted, wants, something more.
But that's where it gets confusing, Gilbert is a security guard, he works for Pandora, and he swore an oath to the higher-ups inside the hospital and his boss, that he would not dare have any type of relationship with a patient. Not while he works for them.
And also, Ada—Vincent's current fling—was Oz's sister, and if Vincent and Ada were ever to marry—which Gilbert highly doubted but couldn't help but dread over—that would make Gilbert and Oz brother-in-laws, practically relatives.
So what was there for Gilbert to do while in Oz's company?
Nothing.
Pretend nothing happened, for the sake of his job, for the sake of Ada and Vince's relationship, and for the sake of his and Oz's friendship.
Even if the mere thought of it all, made him completely depressed and miserable.
It's just what has to be done.
Gilbert shakes his shaggy dark head with a defeated sigh. 'So that's it? Nothing will ever happen…?' Gilbert thought. Oz's smiling face and bright personality flashes through Gilbert's head, and he couldn't help but hold onto that image a little while longer, until with a sad sigh, he lets it go.
"Took you long, brother." Vincent remarks with a frown. "Did he get lost?" Vincent chuckles at the thought of such an idiot getting lost, when the inpatient dorm building wasn't more than a yard away from them.
"Yeah, yeah…" Gilbert replies with a frown. "And he didn't get lost, we just…" He trails off, suddenly remembering that Ada was nearby, and he felt that if he so much as spoke a word and told his experience to Vincent about just what exactly is going through his mind about Oz, Ada would most likely gossip about it with her younger brother, and that meant, Oz's and Gilbert's friendship, would either be ruined, or…No, it would just be ruined.
So with a quick exchange of knowing looks from his brother and himself, Gilbert changes the subject.
"I was taking long walking." Was his lame excuse as he shrugs his shoulders carelessly and strides towards his silver colored 2013 Mazda Sport 3. "So where do you wanna go?" He asks his brother before he ducks his head and slides into the driver's seat. He closes the door behind him, shrugs out of his black trench coat—that was a gift to him from his brother one Christmas—and turns on the ignition, listening to the pleasant hum of his car coming to life and feeling the warm wind gust in through the dash board.
Vincent ducks his head into the passenger's seat, after closing the door for Ada, and buckles his seat belt. "Why don't we drive Ada home first, and then head home? I feel like eating one of your home-cooked meals, brother. Since we hardly ever get to eat at home." Vincent suggest, smiling happily as he looks over to his depressed looking brother.
Who only shrugs. "Sure. What's the address Ada?" Gilbert asks with a small smile directed over his shoulder to the oldest Vessalius.
Ada smiles happily. "Volker Lane. 23rd avenue east. The tallest tanned apartment building." She states with a nod of her head.
Gilbert nods and pulls the lever to reverse.
The car abnormally gets silent, usually, he and Vincent would talk about just about everything and everyone, but right now, Gilbert just wanted silence, time to himself where he could think things through. But what more was there to think about? Oz and him…Just couldn't be more than just "friends".
Gilbert groans aloud and bumps his head onto the steering wheel, before he pulls the stick into drive and steadily weaves the car through the gates of the hospital and onto the streets. God, did he need a smoke…And maybe an alcoholic beverage when they get back home.
"What's wrong Gil?" Ada asks timidly as she leans over in her seat to rest her elbows on the arm rest situated between Gilbert and Vincent. "I've never seen you this tense." She comments lightly.
Gilbert shakes his head and sighs heavily. "Nothing." He lies. "Just a long and tiring day. Can't wait to get home and have a smoke." He states, mostly to himself, as he turns the wheel and drives onto another street.
The car then goes back to awkward silence. Feeling responsible for it all—and he was the reason why it was so damn quiet—Gilbert turns on the radio, and instantly, the car is greeted with sweet sound, the sound of music and throbbing of bass. And of course, the melody of the man's voice on the other side, singing the lyrics.
"Use the sleeves on my sweater,
Let's have an adventure,
Head in the clouds, but my gravity's centered,
Touch my neck and I'll touch yours,
You and those little high waisted shorts."
"I love this song!" Ada declares happily. "Can you turn it up please Vincent?" She asks shyly, stealing a glance at Vincent, who nods his head without looking at her and turns up the volume a little louder.
"She knows what I think about,
And what I think about,
One love, two mouths,
One love, one house,
No shirt, no blouse,
Just us, you find out.
Nothing I really want to tell you about, no…!"
"Cause it's too cold, for you here, and now so let me hold both your hands in the holes of my sweater..." Ada sings quietly to herself in the back seat, looking at all the houses, apartment buildings, and the neighborhood fly right by them.
"What a stupid song…" Gilbert grumbles. Although he really did like the feel and the sound of the music, not to mention the smooth sound of the guy's voice singing the lyrics. It made him want to start swaying with the easy beat, but like hell would he be caught dancing and swaying to any type of music. So instead, he turns it up louder and listens closely to the lyrics. Smiling every once in a while when he imagines Oz dancing to this song, it would really make the song better if Oz dances to it.
He shakes his head, and narrowly misses the on-coming vehicle with a quick turn of his steering wheel and a silent curse.
"Gilbert!" Ada screams in fright, covering both her eyes with her hands.
Vincent merely smiles. "Faster." He tells his brother with a grin.
Gilbert shakes his head with a small smile and presses down further on the accelerator. He knew he shouldn't be listening to Vincent, what with the maniac grin his brother has plastered across his face, and he really didn't want to be stopped by the cops and get a ticket and a fine for speeding either. But he really like this song, even when he just called it stupid seconds ago. But it all soon came to an end when the song was now over and he was forced to turn down the volume when an annoying and obnoxious song comes blaring out of the radio.
"I hate Lady Gaga." He mutters, quickly shutting off the radio after that.
"Really? I would've taken you as a Lady Gaga fan." Ada teases with a small smile.
Gilbert shakes his head with a growl. "That woman has no shame, prancing around in her underwear and weird high-heels on." He shivers at the thought. "It freaks me out."
"Her heels? Or the thought of a half-naked woman?" Vincent says aloud with a smirk.
Making Ada giggle, and Gilbert blush furiously.
Now with Ada dropped off at her own place and with Vincent in the shower, Gilbert heads to the balcony and lights up a cigarette as soon as he passes the threshold of his apartment and balcony door.
The security guard goes and takes a seat in one of the patio chairs and kicks his legs up onto the small black table in front of him. He lightly inhales, and deeply exhales, the wisps of smoke sliding out from his lips and into the chilly breeze of Mid-September air. It was starting to get pretty cold in Atlanta, not at all freezing or bone chilling, just light shiver worthy and sweater weather.
"Sweater Weather…" He mumbles to himself. That was the song that came on the radio before they had dropped off Ada at her apartment, it strangely reminded him of Oz, even though he has no recollection of hearing Oz ever sing that song, or ever seen him dance to the music.
Just as he inhales deeper on the filter of the cigarette, he looks up to the sky and stares wide eyed at the moon overhead. It was a magnificent sight, the stars circling all around the moon, shining brightly right along with the moons glorious silver rays, and twinkling high above their heads.
He couldn't help but sigh at the sight. "Beautiful…" He breathes.
"You better be talking about the moon and not that Vessalius brat brother."
Gilbert visibly flinches at the sound of his brother's voice behind his head and jumps in fright when a hand claps onto his shoulder. "You scared the shit outta me…" He exclaims, finally taking a good long drag of his cigarette, hand still trembling slightly from the little scare. Damn his over-active nerves
Vincent rolls his eyes and takes a seat beside his brother. "You didn't answer my question Gil." He states bluntly.
Gilbert raises an eyebrow at his suddenly gloomy sounding and angry looking brother. "What's wrong with you? And uhm…No…I'm not thinking about…" Damn…He couldn't even say Oz's name without blushing.
Vincent scoffs and waves his hand. "You're so obviously crushing on the young boy Gilbert."
"Am not!" Gilbert replies immaturely, than he sighs heavily when he only manages to get another eye roll from his brother, and for sounding like a complete teenager himself. "What if I am…?" He was asking the question mostly to himself, but he really would like Vincent's advice, considering that Vincent was the most popular with the ladies—and sometimes the men—and more successful at maintaining and keeping a relationship much greater than mere friendship with another human being.
"Keep your distance." Came Vincent's sincere answer.
Gilbert quickly looks towards Vincent with a glare. "I would if I could, genius, but I'm his frickin' body guard." He sighs heavily. "If only I hadn't been so friendly with him in the beginning." He mumbles. But then shakes his head hurriedly after. "Never mind…I don't think I would've liked that…" He trails off, worrying his lip with his teeth.
"Why?" Vincent asks casually, leaning down further into the patio chair.
"Because…O-Oz…Makes me…" He blushes and clears his throat. "H-h-he…"
Vincent shakes his head and gets up from the patio chair. "He makes you happy? Smile?" Vincent suggests, going over to the cage of the balcony as he leans over and stares down at the ants below. Well, the people below looked like ants, although, each human being was an ant in their own way and in his perspective.
Gilbert faintly smiles as he nods his head. "Yeah…He really does know how to make me happy…" he clears his throat and butts out his cigarette. "What do you want to eat?" He quickly asks, changing the subject as he hurriedly strides inside.
Vincent stood further behind. "Spaghetti…" He answers slowly, he soon clenches his hands into fists and growls angrily under his breath. 'Damn that Vessalius brat!' His head roared. 'How DARE you take my brother away from me!' Vincent quickly shakes his head and buries his face in his hands and slowly drags them down his face with a smile not 30 seconds after. 'I know what to do…I know how to break whatever is transpiring between them…I still have enough time before that brat sinks his claws into my brother.' Vincent couldn't hold back the devious grin that stretches widely across his face as he took one last glance down to the ants below.
"My brother will continue to be happy, as long as he's with me." Vincent whispers quietly to himself, feeling a bubble of rising happiness seep into his body as he finally turns and heads inside their apartment. He had just a plan, and what a glorious plan it was!
The stage has been set, the actors have been prepared, now all that was left, was wait for the curtain to rise.
After supper, a fast game of poker with his brother, a shower and a change of clothes, Gilbert was now ready for bed.
But just as he bangs his back against the softness of his mattress, landing with a bounce, he sighs heavily and closes his eyes, blocking out what little light that was streaming in through the open curtained window to his left. He couldn't help but think. About everything, and everyone.
Well, about a certain blonde individual mostly.
"What's wrong with me…?" Gilbert whispers quietly to himself with a groan. He soon opens his eyes and looks over to the opened window to his left, his bed is situated just underneath the window, so when he looks up, the first thing he's usually greeted with was the sky, the sun, and at this very moment, he was greeted with the moon. He stares longingly at the moon and the stars, wishing he was sitting on the moon and far away from the troubles and awkward situations that are now transpiring in his 24-year-old life.
His eyes narrow and with a gloomy looking frown, he rests an arm over his forehead and stares hopelessly up at the sky. "24…16…" he whispers the age difference between himself and Oz.
There was a nine year age gap between them. When Oz finally turns twenty-four, Gilbert himself would be 34-years-old. And when Oz turns thirty-four, Gilbert would then be 42-years-old.
How could he even think of being with Oz when there was a nine year gap between them? Nothing would ever work out between them as well. Everything would be too complicated. Such difficulty with just maintaining the friendship they have now, and that definitely wouldn't change if they take a step beyond the borders of friendship and delve further into the acts of a relationship. Such trouble.
'He needs someone who's the same age as he is, someone who can protect him, someone who can keep up with him…Someone who isn't me…' That thought struck Gilbert hard, it hurt him because, well…It was the truth. He knew that much.
And he now knew what he needed to do, he needed to let Oz know that nothing could ever happen between them, either than the bodyguard and patient relationship; he also needed to let Oz know that…He doesn't want to be nothing more than friends, even if his heart and head screamed for something so very different. It's just what a responsible adult should do, what he hoped every responsible adult should do.
So now it left Gilbert wondering…Why couldn't he be younger? By at least five years?
He chuckles at his silly and completely stupid thought as he turns around in his bed and lays on his side, facing the window as he slides his legs up into a fetal position and hugs his second pillow under his chin and buries his face within the soft material.
'So how should I break it to Oz…?' Gilbert asks himself as he opens his eyes once again to stare down at his pillow, as if the pillow had all the answers in the world. He rolls his eyes and closes them. Imagining himself standing in front of the blonde-teenage boy, the scenery around them would be his room, why his room, he had no idea, just a setting that popped up in his mind. Oz would be standing no further than 3 feet away, facing him with a small smile on his face and his hands behind his back, his bright blonde head tilted to the side in curiosity as he waits for an answer.
"What's wrong Gilbert?" The blonde teen would ask him, innocence heard inside his voice and easily seen in his body language, but Gilbert knew well enough that the boy was not an innocent, because looks can be very deceiving when it came to the Vessalius boy.
And when Oz asks him that question, voice laced with curiosity and just a bit of concern, Gilbert opens his mouth and says…
"O-Oz…I-I…Wanna be…j-just friends…" His imaginary-self replies timidly.
And instantly, Oz's once brightly illuminated aura and happy intoxicating smile, falls to a shocked expression, before it crumbles to a sad frown. And once it does, Gilbert felt his heart squeeze and shatter at the sight. He made the boy have that expression, he made Oz have that hopeless and sad look. And his heart went out to the boy.
"But…Why Gil…?" Oz asks as his hands fall to his sides and quickly he averts his glistening emerald eyes down to the floor below, his blonde bangs falling over his eyes and hiding away the emotion that Gilbert desperately wanted to go away.
"B-because…I'm…" Even inside his own mind, Gilbert always found himself stuttering helplessly. But that was just who he was, a nervous wreck. "Because, I'm too old for you Oz. And if we take a step beyond friendship, and if we ever got into an argument, we just might ruin something between us, and I never want to hurt you Oz…I only want what's best for both you and I."
Yes, that sounded good. But would he be able to say that to Oz? Would he be able to see that sad and hurt expression that he had just conjured up that Oz would most likely make? Would he honestly stand up to Oz, and risk everything, just to tell Oz something that would hurt them both in the end?
And if he doesn't, if he actually does consider his own feelings and…Possibly Oz's feelings…And take that one step beyond friendship, and stand in the middle of the relationship category, would everything work out in the end? Would he and Oz survive being together? The ridicule Oz would most likely go through from many other teenager's, the disgusted and horrified looks that he himself would mostly likely receive for being with something much younger than he was, would their relationship survive after that? And even if it does, what would happen in the end? Happiness? Or heartbreak?
One problem after another, he couldn't make a decision if that decision only ends with feelings being hurt, and hearts being crushed. If he does go along with the plan to just be friends with Oz, he knows it'll only prove to be that much more difficult to control his feelings and emotions, and what if Oz's feelings are on the same level as his own at this very moment? He couldn't imagine putting Oz through all the emotional confusion and turmoil.
And with all these thoughts suddenly occurring to him, Gilbert doesn't fully realize that his thoughts are slowly slipping away, and bordering along the lines of dreams. His chest slowly starts to rise and fall, his breathing starts to calm and slow in rhythm. Until finally, he's asleep.
"Gil…?"
Oz looks up at him, eyes glistening with un-shed tears as he stares helplessly up into Gilbert's bright golden eyes. Oz's lips are trembling, his hands are shaking at his sides, he takes a step forward, and Gilbert takes a timid step backwards as he shakes his head.
"I…Don't trust myself Oz…" He whispers, tightly shutting both his eyes as he curls his trembling hands into fists. "I…Might…"
"Gilbert…"
He couldn't stop himself, but at the sudden pleading tone of Oz's voice, he opens his eyes slowly, and his breath catches inside his lungs at the sight before him, Oz is holding himself, hands and arms are wrapped around his torso as he kneels helplessly down on the white tiled floor, his eyes abnormally large with fear easily be seen inside his bright green orbs.
And Gilbert quickly strides forward and kneels down on the floor in front of Oz. "What's wrong? Are you okay?" He desperately asks, hands searching Oz for any wounds, any bruises, anything that might've possibly harmed the boy in any way.
But when Gilbert finds not a single wound anywhere on the boy's small 16-year-old body, he looks into Oz's eyes, and his own eyes go wide in fear when all he sees, is Oz smiling mischievously up at him as his small hands fall from their hugging positions around his own torso.
"I got you…" Oz states with a devious little chuckle as he all but launches himself into Gilbert's arms and tackles the older male down to the floor in a fit of laughter.
"O-Oz!" Gilbert shouts out in fright, hands going down to the boy's shoulders in order to push him off and away.
But when the boy doesn't budge, Gilbert peers curiously down at the blonde-haired teenager. And his heart frantically races inside his chest when Oz peeks up at him from his chest, and with a smile so lecherous and with eyes so filled with lust, the teen timidly reaches up towards the collar of Gilbert's white dress shirt and crawls carefully up Gilbert's body, until the boy is straddled perfectly on top of his waist and begins to open the buttons of Gilbert's shirt in haste.
"W-wait!" Gilbert shouts desperately, hands going to his shirt to try and cease the boy's frantic button opening. "O-O-Oz! Wh-what are y-y-you—!"
"I'm helping you Gilbert." Oz states seriously, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.
Gilbert's eyes widen in shock. "What!?" He shouts. "How!?"
Oz smiles down at him, and pulls his face down lower towards Gilbert's.
Instantly Gilbert ceases all movement as his hands start to tremble slightly at the look he's receiving from the young teenage boy.
"I'm helping you make that decision Gil...Do you want me? Or do you need me?"
Gilbert's eyes widen in shock, his hands suddenly fall to his sides in incredulity. "What…?"
"Do you want me? Or do you need me?" Oz repeats. "A friend? Or something more?" He asks calmly, smile placed on his face. "I only want to help you Gil, which one do you think you really deserve? Do you want me? Or do you need me?" He asks yet again.
Gilbert reaches forward, taking the boy's face in his hands and pulls him down closer, feeling his lips moisten when he feels Oz's breath hitting against his bottom lip, his golden eyes flash up, and he blushes when Oz is already staring intently down at him, as if waiting for him to make his move.
"Did you make your decision Gil?" Oz smiles, eyes shining brightly as he holds Gilbert's hands in his own.
Gilbert nods. "Yeah…I think I did…" He whispers, lips almost touching Oz's own.
"Do you want me?"
Gilbert felt himself deeply shutter when he felt Oz's lips lightly brush against his own. "No…" He whispers honestly.
"Do you need me?"
He closes his eyes in anticipation. "Yes…" he breathes. "More than anything in the world."
And that's when their lips connect.
Gilbert's eyes widen in shock as he quickly lurches up in bed, heart pounding inside his ears as his breathing comes out in short desperate sounding pants, he pulls a hand over his heart to try and ease the rapid beating and thumping that is hitting hard against his chest as though his heart really wanted to burst out of his chest and fly to the wall in a desperate attempt at escaping the over-whelming need to make that fantasy, that delightfully wonderful dream, come true.
He shakes his head furiously and pushes the warmth, the relief, and the want down back into his stomach and head. Damn his dreams! His own thoughts aren't making the decision any less difficult!
Gilbert sighs heavily and looks towards the window, to see that the sun has just barely begun to rise. He already had slept through half of the night. And he felt as though he didn't sleep a wink. He groans quietly and slowly falls back into bed, facing the bedside coffee table to his right at his head, the clock read: 4:53 A.M.
In just two and a half hours it would be time for Gilbert to get ready for work.
He then rolls over with a defeated sounding sigh and stares up at the ceiling of his room with a dark scowl as he yawns lightly. "I need a smoke." He grumbles, throwing the thin sheet he used to cover over himself, he slides his legs over the bed and plants his feet on the cold hard wood floors. He sighs, rubs the sleep from his eyes and slowly gets up from bed, grabs his pack of smokes from the top of his dresser and shrugs on his long black trench coat to help block out and shield him from the cold wind outside. He slips on his shoes that he put neatly by the doorway of his bedroom, and tip-toes out of his room, heads down the small hallway, passes Vincent's room as quietly as he could, and walks stealthily over to the balcony doors as he tries hard not to wake his still sleeping brother as he slowly slides open the door, and timidly steps out and quietly slides the door shut behind him. Lighter in hand, smoke already hanging form his lips, he lights up his cigarette, and takes a long well deserved drag after a night of an unfortunate—and an absolutely pleasant—dream.
"Finally…" He sighs in relief.
Oh...? What are your dreams telling you Gil?
I would like to thank all the pleasant and wonderful reviews I got from each and everyone of you guys! Thanks so much for the support in this story of mine! It really makes my day :)
I would also like to thank my muse for keeping me going and inspired. I feed off of your reviews.
Also...
I changed quite a bit in this chapter, but stupid document manager on here fucked it up some how, and I completely forgot what it was I had just typed up. Damn my nerves and my forgetfulness.