Author's note: Contains some spoilers for the last two episodes of Merlin (season 4), 'The Sword in the Stone' (or really the whole season).
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Things That Merlin Isn't Allowed To Do (According to Prince Arthur)
32: Use Magic on Arthur to Make Him a Simpleton
It's quite strange. One moment they're in the castle, surrounded by enemies and fire and a mad hell-bent-on-revenge sorceress; Arthur's heart stinging with both his sister's and his uncle's betrayal, even if he knew it would come to this. But their force is stronger than he'd expected.
Then, they're out … here. Everything is quite hazy. The forest is okay and nice as long as Merlin says so and then Merlin says "We'll leave for Ealdor, the knights and the people who've managed to escape will meet us there."
Arthur nods: "Of course, of course," because of course he'll agree when Merlin wants it that way, when it seems to relieve the manservant – anything to make Merlin happy.
With a grin on his face, Arthur cheerfully follows the servant through the woods. Eventually they stumble on an old abandoned cottage where they find some new clothes. It's good for a disguise – very nice, Merlin assures him and smiles – so Arthur goes along with it even if the stuff is a bit on the tight side, and he's never thought this shade of brown to suit him well, but if Merlin says it's good then it must be true.
He's a bit disappointed when Merlin won't let him carry him (since they're lacking horses and he doesn't want his beloved to get aching feet) but the servant assures him it's fine, and then it is fine and Arthur continues to walk through the field of daisies (picking some for Merlin on the way, the servant can hardly object to such a sweet gesture, can he?) and onwards, down a valley: Hm, maybe he should have picked some for Hunith too?
Merlin, for some reason, urges him to hurry. They have to hasten and get far away before they're found by Agravaine's search party (There's a party? Then why aren't they going there, aren't they invited? Arthur wonders, although Merlin's description makes his uncle Agravaine sounds kind of nasty and he'd never put his beloved into danger by being near nasty men like that, be they strangers or uncles).
When evening starts creeping over the forest, they stumble on a group of less nasty men (in Arthur's opinion) although that blonde one isn't very nice, throwing knives and all, but Merlin nudges his side urging him to be quiet and polite and let Merlin handle this, so of course Arthur grins like a fool and tells the man with the knife that he's got quite a technique and seems nice and all, but Arthur will gut him if that knife gets anywhere near Merlin again. Then he gives Merlin the daisy bouquet, like making a point or something that he likes Merlin, who smiles uncertainly back at him.
The man looks at them oddly. "Was it something I said?" Arthur wonders out loud, befuddled.
The servant shakes his head desperately, "Let me do the talking!" he hisses into Arthur's ear, and then turns to the man with the knife saying something about "Hey we mean no harm, can we get a ride please, we'll behave," or something, it's all hazy again and, anyway, Arthur is happy when he spots a butterfly land in a nearby bush and turns to look at it more closely, and when Merlin introduces him to the travelling group as 'simpleton' it must be a compliment since it comes from Merlin.
So the day turns into night. For some reason, Merlin tells him to "Stay right here" while pointing at the ground right in front a tree. So Arthur does. Soon though he feels tired and leans against the tree and somewhere along the line, he falls asleep with a happy smile on his face.
()()()
Arthur wakes up with his arms wrapped around a tree.
Utterly confused, he stares into the bark. Why on earth are his arms wrapped around a tree?
Next, the noise: bustling from people and carriages and weaponry. A camp. Then he senses the rough fabric against his skin, not at all the familiar weight of a chainmail and he glances down, quickly growing horrified. He's in the middle of a forest, in a camp of total strangers, dressed like a bloody idiot and hugging a tree!
He glares around, but no one takes notice of him. Not a second glance. Like they're used to having the great King of Camelot dressed like a peasant with a pea of a brain hugging trees in their midst. What craziness is this?
Then his eyes fall on a figure wrapped up in a blanket not too far off, peacefully asleep.
With determination gleaming in his eyes, and severely missing his sword, the King marches over to where the manservant lies, grabs the boy's shoulders and starts shaking him, growling angrily: "Merlin! What the hell is this?"
"Ugh," the boy groans, tired and confused. "Whaa…Arthur?"
"Yes! Where are we and what the hell is going on and why the fuck am I dressed in this ridiculous clothing!"
"Oh, uhm, err…you see you were wounded in the attack and kind of, how do I put it, confused because Gaius' medicine," Merlin says quickly, too quickly, with flickering eyes and a nervous smile and Arthur is certain that this is a lie. "And we had to get out of Camelot safely and the safest way to do that was to give you a waterproof disguise! You and I are on our way to Ealdor, where Leon and the others will meet us. We ran into these guys who were happy to give us a lift … well not that happy but, you know, they don't think we'll do any harm to their business and didn't simply had us shot or something-"
"Business?"
"They're, um, they're smugglers," Merlin admits nervously and Arthur bangs his head into the nearest flat surface.
"This just keeps getting better and better doesn't it. First Agravaine and Morgana take over my city, and now I'm travelling with an idiot and a pack of smugglers. What should I expect next, pink glittering pixies coming to our rescue, riding on unicorns and waving little flags?" Arthur mutters sarcastically.
"Err … no …" Merlin says slowly, looking at the King as if he'd hit his head. (Because even if there might be pixies out there, there's no logical reason for them to appear out of sudden and help tow distraught humans in the middle of a forest from a bunch of bad guys.)
"What exactly have you told these guys about me?" the King demands to know.
Merlin doesn't get the chance to answer because at that moment, a man approaches the pair – one which Arthur faintly recognizes from his wobbly hazy memories from earlier – and gives Merlin a pointed look which is probably meant to mean something, then says: "We're packing up and will leave within the hour. Explain it to the simpleton, will you."
The man leaves Merlin shrinking beneath the King's heated glare.
"I-it was the easiest way!" Merlin squeaks.
"By telling them I'm a simpleton? You really have no brains, do you, Merlin," growls Arthur. "Did you get me drunk or something to emphasis that I'm stupid, which I'm not, or was it just a fun joke popping into your mind when we walked through that field of daisies? … Daisies. Oh my god," the King gasps in horror as realization overcomes him: "I've picked daisies and hugged trees and chased butterflies like, like a simpleton!"
"Err. Uhm. Yes, I tried to make you stop, but then you just pouted a lot so I thought I could just make you happy and let you do what you wanted," Merlin babbles nervously and whines: "I can't really say 'no' when you pout like that, can I? You're just so cute then and - well, I did protest once or twice, that time you wanted to carry me like some damsel, when you finally understood that we're followed by your evil uncle who wants to shred us to pieces, but that's all –"
"Agravaine's picked up our trail?" Arthur asks sharply, cutting through his manservant's words.
The King is reluctant to admit it but Merlin is quite endearing, but, as said, he's also very furious at his manservant who has somehow managed to get them in stuck in this situation. Smugglers, of all stupid things in the world! Has the bloody idiot no idea how dangerous and devious smugglers are? They could have been gutted and left for dead in the middle of night or separated, kidnapped, or something else equally disturbing! Stupid, stupid manservant! He should be punished for his incompetence. Yes, as soon as they reach Ealdor – now how they're going to do that is another story – Arthur's going to have him locked in the stocks. There has to be stocks in Ealdor, right?
Merlin shakes his head rapidly at the King's question regarding the Very Evil Uncle. "No. I don't think so. I think we've fooled them … this far, at least."
"One good thing at least," the King mutters. "Now what had you planned, huh? We'd come along the smugglers for as long they accepted our presence?"
"They're headed for the boarder, and with them we're protected; Agravaine and Morgana aren't looking for a group of smugglers, they're looking for the two of us plus a knight or two sneaking through the woods."
Okay, maybe Merlin isn't utterly stupid. Hiding amongst a big group of people is a smart idea. IF YOU DON'T TURN THE KING INTO A SIMPLETON FIRST, that is. Only god knows how Merlin managed that. Probably some silly spell that got out of hand. Or one of Gaius' less reliable potions, because the physician could clearly have a hand in this; he sometimes finds 'wisdom' in Merlin's crazy plans (and this plan has clearly been devised by none other). "We should tag along until we reach the boarder," Merlin continues, "right?"
At last, the servant actually asks his King for permission. "Yes, now it's too late to turn around. But where the hell are my clothes, armour and my sword?"
"Err, I've kept it all, it's in one of the wagons in a pack but wouldn't it be best if you kept … dressed like that? The smugglers still thinks you're, uhm, a simpleton."
"Thank you Merlin, I hadn't quite noticed," retorted Arthur sarcastically and held out his hand. "Armour. Sword. Now."
()()()
Which is why the smugglers (and damn it, has Merlin no sense of self-preservation whatsoever! Arthur rages mentally; travelling with smugglers! The stupid, stupid idiot! It's a wonder he still got a head on his shoulders!) greets the pair with amused glances half an hour later.
"That piece of armour looks quite fine for a simpleton - who can't wield a sword," Tristan remarked as the pair joined the moving caravan half an hour later.
"I'm good with a sword! The finest swordsman you could ever find!" Arthur protests. Loudly.
"Err, yeah," Merlin cuts in awkwardly, ears red, "I helped him get it, because you know, he … likes shiny … stuff. Uhm. He wouldn't get around without me." He ends with some nervous laughter, and Arthur shoots him a glare.
"I can take care of myself just fine!"
This time Merlin can't fake it, and rolls his eyes. "Yes, I know. Polishing your own boots and everything."
The glaring intensifies.
"Why are you travelling with him, anyway?" asks Isolde, whom Arthur has figured out to be Tristan's lover, after some careful observations. He's never heard of women smugglers before, so he assumes her to be quite dangerous (as women can be – like Morgana, or the old Morgana before she killed Uther and claimed Camelot for herself, when she's angry). The thought of his sister makes him quiet and serious, and Merlin notices.
"Well, someone's got to take care of him," the servant says and reaches out to ruffle Arthur's hair.
The King grins in way he hopes isn't too obviously fake, and at the same time not too stupid, just … the grin of a fool. He can't believe that he's agreed to continue to play a simpleton. It's not fair play when Merlin makes hurt-innocent-doe-eyes on him! Okay, it's kind of nice to have his hair ruffled. Merlin's got very nice hands. Very nice especially when they're anywhere on Arthur's body.
… No, don't let your thought go there, Arthur reminds himself and straightens up. Even if Merlin's hands are nice. Very nice. But no! Not there. Not there …!
When the King shrugs off the touch and walks off head held high, Merlin stares after him confused.
Isolde pats the servant's arm with a sympathetic smile. "He'll come around, you see. I'm sure he's very nice and – good with a sword," she says giving him a pointed look, not unkind but still pointed and, well, the words aren't what Merlin wants to hear right now. Right now Isolde reminds him of a weird mix between Gaius' Eyebrow Moments and Gwen's Gentle Understanding.
"Err, yeah. Of course." He inches backwards as fast as he dares, in the King's general direction. "But now I. Uhm. Got to go and find him."
"Of course." Isolde smiles. "Just don't fall behind."
Gosh, Merlin thinks with a shudder of fear; women are creepy sometimes.