Chapter 3 is now up! Thankyou, whitealmond, for the heads up about the hens night! I will be changing all future references to 'bachelorette party' and change the other chapters when I can be bothered. It's hard for an Aussie like me who doesn't speak American
Disclaimer: I don't own Megamind. If I did I wouldn't mind him wearing a cape to our wedding!
Chapter 3
Megamind had been hoping Roxanne would be home early but come 9 o'clock she was still out. He didn't understand women. Even with their odd proportions he, Minion and Wayne were fitted into their suits in one afternoon. This was the third time Roxanne had dragged her unfortunate friends along to try on dresses. He sighed and ate his dinner alone. Normally Minion cooked when he was home but these days he was busy with his kids. Megamind looked mournfully at his leftover pizza. It looked as though his life was changing in ways he hadn't expected. He gulped with the realisation that he might actually have to learn how to cook.
Finally, an hour later, Roxanne came through the front door. She smiled tiredly at Megamind when he got up to hug her. She leaned into him while expertly avoiding the spikes on his shoulders.
"Is it all done then?" Megamind asked. She glanced at the leftover pizza on the dinner table. No! She wouldn't. She had given up carbs three months ago and she was not going to ruin her diet now. Megamind noticed the mournful look she gave the pizza and sighed inwardly. Much to his dismay she had lost that delightfully round rear end of hers about a month ago and he had speculated she would fit into one of his own hero suits now. His mind started to wander at the thought of her in his leather suit... those curves that were gone but not forgotten stretching through the hips and spilling over where the zipper couldn't be done up over her breasts…focus Megamind!
"Just about. Barbie and I are done. The dressmaker suggested a flesh-coloured body suit to go under Shiyounin's dress." Megamind guided her to the sofa and pulled her down into it with him where she sat with her arms around his waist and head pillowed on his chest.
"Why not just let her come as she is, maybe with some flowers or something?" Megamind wondered.
"I'll think about it." Roxanne answered in that automated way that meant she had no intention of thinking about it. He sighed.
"Well everything else is organised. Food, cars, venue, music..." Roxanne grimaced. She was less happy than he was about Wayne proclaiming himself and his new side-kick iBot as their band. "I just need to get my white cape dry-cleaned and I'm set." Roxanne sat up.
"Cape?" she asked. He nodded.
"The white one we st-borrowed from Wayne. I'm having it cleaned tomorrow." She pulled away from him.
"You're not seriously wearing that thing are you?"
"Of course. I wear it to special occasions. This is more special than most." She pulled away from him and mumbled something about a shower.
Megamind could tell when he was in trouble these days.
"What's wrong? What did I do?" he asked. Roxanne shook her head and paused.
"I want the wedding to be normal, Megamind. I want just one day without spikes or explosions or flamethrowers, machines, robots, leather suits or capes. Is that so much to ask?" she snapped. Megamind felt the need to point out the obvious.
"Well...your bridesmaid is a fish in a robotic suit. As is my best man. The band is a tone-deaf retired superhero and a brainbot-turned-DJ. My car is invisible. Your Aunty Joyce screams at mushrooms and by the way, the groom is an alien. Just how normal do you think it can be?"
"A white cape, Megamind? Why not just show up in your big robot suit!" Megamind glared.
"I just might. And you know what? It'll be wearing a cape!" He turned to storm out. "You're wearing a white dress and no one's saying out loud how ridiculous that is." He muttered under his breath, and then instantly knew he'd gone too far. He could practically feel lasers shooting out of her eyes into the back of his head.
"Well forgive me for not being a 40 year old virgin." She taunted. He paused, feeling physically winded by that low blow.
"Actually I was 35. And it was because I never found anyone I wanted to be with, and then you came along. And I fell in love with you and you fell for me as I was; short, skinny, big-headed and blue wearing a cape. Now you're ashamed of me for being who I am? Figure out what you want, Roxanne." He whirled around, his cape flying out behind him mocked her as he left.
"Wait Megamind." She began, but he wasn't in the mood.
"Forget it. I've got work to do." He lied and went downstairs to his lab.
Once he was there he looked around. It was cold and damp, just the way he used to love his old Evil Lair. He was used to warm now. Warm and soft, comfortable and loved.
Now warm and soft was screaming at him. Cold and damp was looking good for tonight.
He whistled and summoned some brainbots.
"Pyjamas." He commanded, and they did as they were told. A curtain appeared out of nowhere, he was tossed around for a bit and he was wearing a black set with moons and stars on them. He grinned. The matching cape (which he now delighted in wearing) was as snug as a blanket and he sat back in his perfectly ergonomic chair.
His mind raced at the first major fight he and Roxanne had ever had. He had thought he would be more torn up about it but he was just angry. He knew he was right, and she was being completely insane with this whole Bridezilla thing she had going and he wasn't going to back down about the one thing he had insisted on for this ridiculous wedding business.
"Brainbots, dim the lights." He called out. They did as they were told. A couple came and sat by his feet and one made its way into his lap. He stroked its dome while the fight played over in his head. All the things he said. All the things she said. All the things he'd wished he'd had the wit to say at the time and was now kicking himself...and finally a rotten feeling in his gut when he realised that this would all need to be resolved sooner or later. He put it out of his mind and instead began counting robotic sheep jumping over a force field in an effort to get to sleep.
"One...two...jump higher! Zap! Oh well..three..." After a while his eyes seemed to close of their own accord and he drifted into sleep.
Roxanne arrived at work the next day tired, cranky and hungry. Her breakfast had been a tub of non-fat reduced-sugar yoghurt that made her wonder why she had bothered. She had barely slept the night before. Their fight just kept on playing over and over in her head. She was still angry. Why could he not see how much having this one, normal day meant to her? She loved him. She was ready to spend the rest of her life with him. She had accepted the invisible car, the alligator enclosure, the brainbots, Minion and family, the hover-bike and the occasional apocalyptic disaster that meant their plans could be cancelled at the last minute on any given night. Why could he not give her one leather, robot, alligator and cape-free day?
Barbie happily approached her with a camera in her hands about to talk about something or other but once she got close enough to notice Roxanne's dark-ringed eyes and murderous expression she decided she was needed down in the mail room. That was fine with Roxanne. She didn't want to talk about work, or the wedding, or the bachelorette party...
The bachelorette party. Crap. That was tonight. She sighed and began working on today's top story: Missing Child...found ten minutes later asleep under his own bed.
It was going to be a long day.
After interviewing the 'missing' child, his panicky mother and the less than impressed police officers who had been called in to search for him Roxanne called back into the office before heading out. She had brought her party clothes and makeup to work with her so she wouldn't have to go home. If she didn't go home then she wouldn't see Megamind and she wouldn't have to admit she might have been the teensiest bit out of line last night. She dressed in the bathroom and checked herself out in the mirror. Makeup: perfect as always. Dress...one of her old favourites, the red and black, was a little baggy around the hips, she noticed, feeling pleased with herself. At least her ridiculous diet was paying off. She stopped by her cubicle to pick up her purse and there, on the desk, was another bunch of red roses. That made four gigantic bunches of flowers on her already cramped desk. She sighed, picked up a red bunch and headed downstairs. It could decorate their table at the bar. Despite the situation with Megamind she was looking forward to tonight now. It would feel good to cut loose and enjoy herself for a while.
The club was dimly lit and quite stylish with a passable jazz band playing at just the right volume. The table Shiyounin had booked was in just the right spot in the room, the bartenders were good-looking and friendly, and cocktail happy hour had just started. Once the little party noticed Roxanne was there a cheer erupted. Roxanne blushed. The gathering was small but lively. Shiyounin was there (placing a veil decked out in coloured condoms over Roxanne's head and passing her a Mojito). Barbie was there too, as were a few of Roxanne's relatives (Not Aunty Joyce) and some of the girls from work. Roxanne sat down at the table, sipped her drink and chatted happily to her friends. This would be a great night, she decided. Friends, music, and a few quiet drinks to celebrate the end of single life...
"Lick sip suck!" Shiyounin announced and tipped a shot, a few shakes of salt and a lime wedge into her food compartment and sent it up. All Roxanne could see was the lime wedge floating around as the booze mixed with the fish's water supply. Her gills trembled and she pulled a face. "Ugh! Disgusting." The fish bit down on the floating lime wedge. " I'll have another one!" she called happily to the bartender, who gave her a frightened look and served someone else. Roxanne downed her shot, pulled the exact same face the fish did, and thumped her glass down on the bar. She looked at her aquatic friend, head buzzing pleasantly.
"How many of those have you had? I'm pretty sure fish aren't meant to drink tequila."
"Discrimination!" Shiyounin exclaimed and pointed her finger at Roxanne. [[Why is it you humans are the only ones allowed to have fun? I have two children at home who drive me crazy most days of the week and this one night I get to go out you're trying to cut me off?]] she spouted angrily in Japanese, then caught sight of her robotic finger. She moved it from side to side. "Why is my finger blurry?" she asked.
"Okay, just about time for a water-change, girlfriend." Roxanne took her robotic arm and went to lead her to the bathroom.
"Is okay, I can change my own water. You go sit now!" Shiyounin said, only slurring a little and walking more or less steadily towards the bathroom. Roxanne shook her head, ordered a Margarita, and went to sit down next to Barbie. The music had gotten more modern now, and louder.
"That fish is insane! Did you see her goose that waiter before?" Roxanne's cousin Laura asked. Roxanne giggled and sipped her drink. Oh the world was warm and funny now!
"She's a mom, she doesn't get out much." She explained as though that made perfect sense. Laura blinked.
"You've gotten really weird. What happened to you?" She said. Roxanne shrugged.
"Stockholm Syndrome." She said, and laughed at her own joke. It was probably true. Barbie, drink in hand, put in her two cents worth.
"You're a lucky girl Roxy. The only alien on the planet and you got him! It's not fair. Are you sure he doesn't have a brother or something?"
"You're kidding. You have a thing for Megamind?" Roxanne asked with a giggle. Barbie shook her head, and then shook it again.
"No. He's too short for me. And old...no offence. But aliens are hot. If he had a taller younger brother I'd so climb that...what's his junk like anyway? Barbs? Tentacles? You can tell me!"
"Barbie! Gross!" Laura complained. Roxanne was laughing so hard tears were forming in her eyes. Well that explained a lot. All of a sudden a booming voice silenced the room.
"Citizens of Metrosity! It appears we have a bride to be in our midst! Bring forth the prisoner!" What the...was that? Shiyounin showed up out of nowhere and grabbed Roxanne by the arms, still giggling. She hadn't changed her water at all, from her staggering walk she'd downed another shot.
"This way Miss Ritchie." She laughed and pulled her with her abnormal robot-strength over near the bar and forced her into a chair.
"What the hell?" Shiyounin had her arms tied behind her back, almost as quick and efficient as Minion could do. At the sight of the blue man in the black cape in front of her it all clicked into place. "Shiyounin you didn't!" Roxanne felt her face glow red.
"Did!" Shiyounin said with a grin and stepped back into the gathering crowd. The tall, muscular stripper in blue body paint, a black cape and black leather pants leaned into Roxanne's personal space.
"You're under my control now, Miss Ritchie." He said in a deep, seductive voice. Roxanne shook her head and couldn't help but giggle as he started to dance. Everyone in the bar had come over to watch as the loud music blasted and what little clothing the man was wearing started to come off. Barbie's eyes were practically bugging out of her head. Roxanne looked up at the grinning Shiyounin and mouthed;
"I'm going to kill you.", at which point the fish laughed again and clapped her fins as the stripper's black cape got draped around Roxanne's shoulders.
Stripper Megamind was down to his g-string now and sitting in Roxanne's lap nuzzling her neck. Between him and the alcohol she couldn't help but feel a little flushed. All that blue skin...Roxanne sighed and thought of the real Megamind, probably at home and still fuming over their fight.
It didn't matter, she realised. Who cared about a stupid cape? They were getting married! He could wear a bikini if he wanted to! Her blue stripper noticed her expression and paused, whispering into her ear "Are you okay? I can stop if you want." She looked at him, smiled, and leaned into his ear.
"I'm fine. Do me a favour? Go dance for the red head in the purple glasses and the odd-coloured shoes after this."
"You got it." He grinned. Roxanne had to admire his commitment. He had the goatee going and that blue paint extended...well everywhere from what she could see. He leaned in and kissed, tongued and bit her neck. Damn! Roxanne felt her face and neck burning up and she was almost disappointed when he pulled away. He finished up with her, made a show of straddling her lap and grinding against her as he untied her ropes, and then played to the crowd, finally making his way to Barbie and dancing around her in a most obscene way. The poor girl was blushing down to her mismatched red and green converse hi-tops. Roxanne grinned and downed the rest of her drink. The stripper had Barbie occupied. Shiyounin had dragged half the party up onto the dance floor and the other half (the boring half, Roxanne admitted) were sneaking outside to hail a cab.
She sighed and took out her cell phone. No calls, no messages. All she wanted was to see Megamind and tell him how sorry she was. Unable to bring herself to hear his voice she typed a message to him.
At Bar Zanzi on Seventeenth. Pick me up?
She waited for about ten minutes until her phone buzzed.
On my way, it read. She exhaled, relieved. Not that she minded catching a cab home (not having her own car she was used to scamming lifts and catching cabs) but she wanted to see him and make everything good again.. She looked over at her friends. Barbie was making out with the stripper in their booth and Shiyounin was dancing with a handful of very good-looking young men. Roxanne couldn't help but stare. How did she do it? She was a fish in a robot suit for crying out loud. She caught the bartender's attention and mouthed 'No more for her!' and he nodded. She never claimed any expertise in fish biology but she was fairly certain the water in her bowl should not contain that amount of tequilla. She approached the dancing fish.
"Shiyounin I'm going home. Thanks so much for throwing the party, it means a lot." Shiyounin threw her arm around Roxanne's shoulders in a crushing grip.
"Is no problem Miss Ritchie. Is what minions are for." She said with a smile. Roxanne blinked.
"Is that what you think you are? My minion?" she asked. Shiyounin's face fell.
"You don't want me to be your minion? Was party not good enough?" Roxanne took her hands in hers.
"No. I mean yes, the party was fantastic. But you're not my minion, you're my friend." The words came out a little slurred. Shiyounin frowned, trying to absorb this in her drunken state.
"Friend?" she repeated. Roxanne nodded. Shiyounin raised the finny extension that passed as an eyebrow. "Friends don't tell bar man to cut other friends off." She pouted. Roxanne smiled.
"They do when alcohol concentration in their friend's tank reaches dangerous levels." She pointed out. Shiyounin hugged her, again in a crushing grip.
"Do you want to come home with me? Megamind is picking me up." Roxanne offered.
"No, I stay here and dance some more. Catch cab." She said. "Goodnight Miss...Roxanne." Roxanne nodded.
"Goodnight Shiyounin." She said. On cue her phone buzzed again.
I'm outside. Why is there a blue man mauling your photographer? Roxanne glanced at the pair. They were a little close to the window. She chuckled and walked outside. The invisible car, now visible, was waiting for her.