By the time we got home, it was dinner time. Soda and Pony headed off into their bedroom and, it being my turn to cook, I headed into the kitchen, trying to think of the easiest thing that I knew how to make. I climbed up on the counter and was investigating the possibilities when Darry came in.
"Scout, you need to stop climbing on the counters. You're not a little kid anymore. I have better things to do than rebuild the kitchen cabinets. Use a chair."
"Sorry," I said, instinctively, then ignored him and kept looking.
"You have exams tomorrow. I'll cook, okay? You go study."
I turned around to face him, incredulous. Cooking was not something Darry usually offered to do if he didn't have to, especially if it was my night. I was actually becoming somewhat of a decent cook.
"Don't look at me like that. I mean it, go study. I'll cook."
"You sure?" I jumped off the counter, approaching the table.
"I'm sure. Scoot." He smacked me on the butt with a magazine as I turned to leave.
I sat in my room and tried to study, but my mind was swimming with far too many thoughts to be able to actually focus on anything. I wasn't that worried about passing my exams – anything I had heard in class or read, I knew I would remember. It was only the few weeks after the Steve incident that I had been slacking off, and usually the final exams focused on material from the beginning half of the year. After only about half an hour, I gave up, closing my books and lying back on the bed, staring at the ceiling.
Two more days of exams… then summer. I had always loved that feeling of the pressure of school lifting – that sensation of freedom as the last bell rang. Two months of nothing to do but sleep in, hang around with friends, and relax. I had been so looking forward to it.
But suddenly it just didn't seem all that appealing any more. Court. God, I couldn't believe Darry wanted me to go to court again. I really, truly, had thought that, unless one of us really screwed up again, we were done with all that. Yet here it was, looming over me again. He had said that he wouldn't make me go if I didn't want to… but I knew as soon as Pony said that it was about money that he wanted me to do it… that they all did. It made me feel sick to think about it… and honestly, I had to admit that my past court experiences probably hadn't even been that bad. I hadn't had to testify like the Socs did in Pony's trial… but this time I would, for sure. I started to feel like I was going to throw up and was glad to hear a tap on my window and look up to see Ben looking in.
I pulled up the window and climbed out, knowing I shouldn't, but knowing Darry would be less upset about me going out to talk to him than him coming into my bedroom to be with me.
"I missed you," I said. The second I hit the ground, he pushed me back against the house and kissed me.
"I heard about your accident. Are you okay?"
"Yeah. I just cut my head." I took his hand and led him around to the front of the house so we could sit on the steps. We sat down, and I had so much to say to him that I didn't even know where to start. I hadn't realized how much I had missed him until just then, and at that moment I was so glad to see him I almost wanted to cry.
He must have read my mind because he turned toward me and let me rest my head on his shoulder.
"You sure you're okay?" he whispered, gently rubbing my head where I had gotten the stitches. I let him rub my head gently for a while, then sat back up.
"I saw Two-Bit cry today."
He looked puzzled, and I was just as confused about why I had said that as he looked. I had thought it was just the whole court thing that was bothering me, but I was slowly starting to process all the thoughts swirling around in my brain, and realizing it was more than just that upsetting me.
"Remember the last day of school last year?" I asked Ben, and he smiled back at me.
"That was a great day," he said. We had gone straight from school to the lake for a swim with a few other kids, then come back to the house and played football with our brothers and their friends until it got dark. Ben and Kevin's mom had been working so they had stayed for dinner at our house – my dad had cooked burgers and hot dogs out on the grill. I still remembered that carefree feeling I had fallen asleep with that night. A whole summer ahead, with no worries, no cares.
That feeling, I was pretty sure, was gone forever. I struggled to put it into words, all that I was thinking.
"What, Scout? Tell me. What's the matter?" He took my hand in his and nuzzled against me, kissing me on the cheek. I felt warmth rising in my face.
"Everything used to seem so sure, that's all. I mean, just last year, I never felt worried, or scared… now everything that seemed so sure then… it's not. Nothing is safe, Ben."
"A lot sure has changed. You're right about that." He squeezed my hand and let go, slipping his hand around my waist and pulling me in.
"I just…" I had to stop and take a deep breath; I didn't want to cry. God, I was so sick of life being so dramatic.
"Just say it, Scout. I know you're upset."
"Just… everybody I thought was strong… I don't know who to count on, anymore, to be strong. I mean, last year… just a year ago, Ben, I had my parents… and my brothers, plus all their friends… they were like my heroes. I never thought anything could ever get past all of them to me. I just felt… protected, I guess.
"Scout, your brothers and the rest of us will still protect you, no matter what. What happened to you… none of us are gonna let anyone hurt you again."
"I know. I'm not even talking about that, really. Just… God… My mom and dad, and Dally and Johnny are gone… I don't know… I guess that's why seeing Two-Bit cry was weird. A year ago, I had never seen any of the guys cry. Now I just feel like… we're all so… fragile, or something. I'm scared, because it just seems like the tiniest thing could break us now."
"Scout, everybody cries. It's not a weakness."
"I know, and I'm glad they cried. Well, I mean, I'm not glad they cried, but I'm glad they felt like they could cry around me. Just, nothing seems really solid anymore. Like… anything could change, at any time."
"I guess I'd be lying if I said it couldn't," Ben responded. "But you know Darry's working real hard to keep things the way they are."
"I know."
"Scout?" Ben put his hand on my chin and turned me toward him.
"What?" I couldn't help but smile, the way he was looking at me.
"Last year, at this time, did you have this?" He leaned in and kissed me, softly at first, then pulling me in closer, being careful not to press against my stitches. Eventually I pulled back and looked at him.
"No," I smiled. Somehow Ben usually managed to give me some perspective.
"Scout, I thought you were studying." Pony came out on the porch and lit up a cigarette. "Ben, you better get lost 'fore Darry sees you. He's dead set on us studying."
"You're not studying either," I pointed out.
Ben gave me a peck on the cheek and took off. He had just barely rounded the corner when Darry appeared in the door.
"Pony… dinner." He spotted me on the stairs. "Scout, what are you doing out here?"
"She was just taking a break, Dar," Pony said. "She's only been out here a minute." I kinda liked this new thing of Pony backing me up rather than ratting me out.
After dinner Darry sent Pony and me back into our rooms to study. I still couldn't focus. I wanted to talk to Ben again – I hadn't even gotten to tell him about court, or Sandy… but I knew his mom would have him stuck in his room studying, too. We used to study together, when we were still in the same grade. I felt a longing, one that I hadn't allowed myself to really feel since my parents' funerals, for things to go back to the way they had been before they died. I went over to my dresser and took out the necklace from Dad and my Mom's ring, putting both on. I hated it, that this was all I had left of them.
I knew I wouldn't be able to study anymore, so I wandered out into the kitchen under the guise of needing a glass of water. I knew Darry would order me back into my bedroom. Surprisingly, he wasn't in the living room or the kitchen. I figured he and Soda must be outside on the porch and was about to turn on the faucet when I heard them talking in Darry's room. There was no reason the two of them would be having a conversation in there unless it was something they didn't want Pony and me to hear. I silently pulled a chair out from the table and listened.
"I know it's not your fault, Soda… I'm just saying, if you can't work for a month, we're gonna have to cuts some corners around here."
It had not occurred to me until that moment that Soda couldn't work with his arm in a cast. I started to feel sick again, knowing that we counted on Soda's income to get by.
"Maybe I can do something else for the month, work somewhere else…"
"Nobody's gonna hire you with a broken arm. Look, we'll make it work, somehow. I'm just telling you, there isn't gonna be any extra cash around here for the foreseeable future."
Suddenly court didn't seem optional anymore. We needed the money we could get if we won. All at once I realized that what I had tried to articulate earlier to Ben … the realization that things change and nothing is ever completely safe… understanding these things was just the beginning of me turning the corner from a kid to an adult. Suddenly all my superheroes had been reduced to mere mortals, and I was living among them. My life now included worrying about money, and bills, and keeping my family safe.
I knew right then that, no matter how much I hated it, I was going to court. Finally, I had a chance to do something that mattered for our family - to actually contribute something. I knocked on Darry's door.
"What?"
"Can I come in?" I asked. The door opened to reveal Darry sitting on his bed, Soda at the door.
"You were listening, weren't you?" Darry read it on my face.
I nodded.
"It's nothing you have to worry about. We'll be fine."
"Why do you keep doing that, Darry, trying to hide stuff?" I was a little bit upset. "This is a family problem, and Pony and I are part of this family. We deserve to know what's going on."
There really was no good answer for that, so Darry didn't offer one. There was a bit of an uncomfortable silence.
"I want to go to court. I want to try to get the money from the state."
"Scout, I don't want you being miserable just to try to get money we might not even get."
"I want to do it. I never get to help out. Let me help out."
"Right now, you have exams to deal with. After that, we'll talk about it, okay? I don't have to let the lawyers know until Friday."
"I want to do it, Darry."
"We'll see." He stood up and ushered me out the door. "You need to go to bed. How many exams do you have tomorrow?"
"Three. Four if she lets me make up the English."
"Well, just do your best."
"Darry…" I just shook my head at him. He knew I always did my best. But then again he had seen that fifty that I got on that math quiz.
"Go to bed, Scout. Don't think about money or court, okay?"
"What's going on in here?" Ponyboy wandered in, grabbing a banana and peeling it.
"Darry just wanted to talk to you," I said. "about money."
Darry gave me a look and shook his head right back at me.
"Good Night, Scout."
"'Night everybody," I said. "Hey, Darry?"
"What?" he was exasperated with me by this point.
"I think you can sleep in your own room tonight." I guessed if I was on the path to adulthood, I should start acting more like one.
"You sure?"
"I think… yeah." I had three brothers in the house… there was no reason to be as scared as I was. It was time to start trusting them like they wanted me to.
"Okay. Sleep tight."
"I will." I went in and got ready for bed, finally crawling between the sheets and burying my head in my pillow. I fell asleep listening to the familiar voices of my brothers – all three of them, home again.