Chapter 8
Losing hope/Realization
There they were collapsed on the ground, beer bottles littered all around them. Dean's eyes were swollen and puffy, along with Sammy's. Dean had stopped simply because he couldn't manage to shed anymore tears. The stars were ablaze in the sky and it made Dean tremble every time he looked up at them.
He felt a void inside something he knew only Cas could fill. He sat there in silence with Sam for what seemed like hours. He knew the questions would be coming soon, his brother would surely take advantage of his beer clouded mind.
Like clockwork "Dean, what is going on with you and Cas?" Sam asked. "Aww…Sammy I don't even know." Dean slurred. "Come on Dean, don't hold this in like you always do." Sam said. "It's hard to explain really…I just…I…love him. I've never been this close to someone.
It's not must about attraction as it is connection…I feel a bond with Cas that I've never felt with anyone ever. I've tried to ignore it, I've tried to fight it but I am so tired of this battle inside me. Sometimes I wish for the way we live to never end because I fear that when it's over Cas will be gone. Sammy…I just…feel complete when he's around. You are lucky my damn ass is drunk, you know I would never be telling you this shit sober." Dean clarified. "Dean, I already knew there was something there. I am your brother you jerk, I know you better than you think I do. I just wasn't aware of how intense your feelings were, how passionate you were about , it makes me happy to know that you can still feel love, still have that warmth inside you. For so long I thought I was going to lose you to the darkness." Sammy said smiling.
Dean sighed feeling relief wash over him, he really had no clue how Sammy was going to take this. "I guess it's over now though, he has Meg." Dean snarled. "Dean, he doesn't even know how you feel shouldn't you tell him before you just give up?" Sam tested. "I don't even know how to tell him, I don't even know if he will understand what I feel. It's a waste of time; maybe he could be happy with Meg. Dean said disappointedly. "Really Dean, a demon, no way…you and Cas have been through so much. You just have to man up and find the Dean way of telling him." Sam said. Dean smirked at his brother knowing he meant well but doubted that he would ever really be able to express how much he loved Cas.
He had paced all night waiting for some kind of news from Sammy. His heart was heavy with despair…he never wanted to hurt Dean.
Meg came in to check upon him. "Hey pretty boy, you alright?" she asked smartly. "No, I have to see Dean…why did you even kiss me Meg?" Cas requested. "You looked lonely and I've been here a while figured I could get some action out of it." Meg said through laughter. "This is all a game to you, I may have hurt someone very close to me and all you can do is laugh like it's nothing." Cas replied heatedly. "I would smite you down if I didn't need you to drive. Go get a car we are leaving damn it." With that Meg was gone, she wasn't sure if Cas could actually send her back to hell but she was to much of a coward to find out. Cas was feeling clear tonight, clearer then he had been for a while. He had to get to Dean, he felt like he needed it. His visions slowly were morphing from Lucifer to Zachariah and back again. The last few days were almost unbearable. Dean usually wasn't gone this long every two days or so he would be back to sit with him.
Unknowing to him those moments of the day were the ones he longed to stay in forever. Just him and Dean, no demons, no angels, and no distractions. Meg had returned helping Cas to the car. As inactive as Cas was he was still weak. After helping Cas, Meg sat waiting for instructions. Cas thought of were Dean would have gone to escape…Bobby's.