Chapter 31

Walk Down Memory Lane

"18th Floor Balcony"- Blue October

Kyle (POV)

We started off with the last thing she could remember then we watched the first time we met: her teaching me how to swim, talking in my tub or "wallow central", the fair where I had a seizure. We also saw things that I wasn't there for, like when she contemplated her feelings for me verses her feelings for Charlie. We saw our goodbye with out really saying goodbye when I left to live with the Peterson's. Then there was the fight she and Charlie had when he didn't understand why she was sad when I left.

We watched the months go by when I wasn't around. Then finally when I returned. We saw me try to tell her about Charlie until it was too late and she found out the worst way. We saw the tears she cried at home in her bed. Every tear was like a bullet in my heart. She was mad at Charlie for cheating, but she was hurt because I knew and didn't tell her. Then we saw the intruder break into their house. And the memories of the police station along with the conversation with her mother when the truth was finally revealed about Amanda's bracelet. We saw her join me in my tub and she told me about the money troubles her mother had been having along with her forgiving me for not telling her about Charlie.

Then it came to us sitting on her front steps and she received her letter from the conservatory in New York. We saw he tell her mother the news and the contemplation she put into telling me. There was also the dance that she had to sneak out to attend. And the kiss in Lancaster park, after she had helped me with Stephen's father. Then there were the Zzyzx tunnels and her saving my life. We saw the disappointment after I had canceled our date to the concert. Along with the betrayal she felt after she saw how close I had become to Jessi. We watched her listen to me explain about Jessi and she told me about New York. We saw her pack her things and we witnessed the goodbye we thought we might not have.

Then she was on the plane to New York and getting settled in there. As soon as she left she was back, too home sick to stay away. We watched as she snuck out of her house to meet me at the rack. Then there was the argument she had with her mother after. This led to her mother shipping her back off to New York again. We saw the thought she put into purposefully missing her flight to New York and taking a cab back to my house were she spent the first night with me in my tub. We saw her get her first job at the rack, still grounded from seeing me. Then there was prom and all the preparation that had gone into the event. We watched us say we loved each other for the first time, and the abduction from Latnock. This all led up to the secrets I couldn't tell her about in order to protect her, until she couldn't handle the deception any longer and my kiss with Jessi was the last straw.

We stood back stage and saw Amanda sitting in one of the chairs. She looked so hurt, broken, vulnerable. The lady came and gave Amanda, her two minute warning. Amanda stood paced around slowly until I appeared before her.

"What are you doing here?"

"I couldn't let you perform without trying to make things better." I said taking a step closer.

"I feel so sad." Her voice just above a whisper.

"I did this to you…Amanda I'm so sorry."

"I trusted you..." tears welling up in her eyes.

"And I broke that trust… I hurt you, I never thought I'd do anything to hurt you but I did." I paused. "I love you so much Amanda."

"I love you too…That's why it hurts so badly… It's not that you kissed her…It's that I can feel what's happening between you two."

"Amanda nothing-"

"I know you don't see it, but its there." She sniffled "I can't be with you, when I know I'm losing you to someone else."

"You could never lose me."

"I already have." Her voice cracked.

The lady came back with a one minute warning.

"I can't do this." Tears were streaming down her cheeks.

"Let me help you. I know how to fix your problem."

"How?" She asked facing me again.

"If you have any trust left for me at all, let me show you."

She nodded and I held her face in my palms as the electric current pulsed through them. I kissed her gently as the electricity transferred. I knew that this kiss could be our last so I didn't want to let her go.

"We broke up?" Amanda whispered as we continued to watch the memory play out.

"Yes for a while." I replied

The lady came back again telling Amanda it was her turn.

"I have to go now." She murmured and by then she wasn't the only one who was choked up.

She walked out onto the stage and began to play. She was playing at her best and it broke my heart to know that she might be playing on without me.

When the memory ended I remembered thinking about how her music had brought us together.

"We broke up because you kissed Jessi." She stated not looking at me.

"Yes." I whispered ashamed of what I had done. "Do you want to continue?" I wanted to make sure she was okay.

"Yes." She nodded taking my hand again.

We watched the memories that followed, ones of awkwardness between her and me, and conversations between her and Nate, along with small things here and there just about her daily life.

A new memory started one that I wasn't apart of but I knew it must have happened after the Chemistry party at Latnock. Amanda was sitting at the rack drinking a cup of coffee just finishing a conversation with Nate. When he left he passed Jessi on her way in.

"Please Jessi leave me alone," she begged.

"I'm sorry about tonight," Jessi admitted.

"For once you weren't the one responsible."

"Yes, I am." She mumbled taking a step forward. "I messed with you necklace, I wanted you to get together with Nate."

"Why?" Amanda shook her head.

"Because if you were with him…Then I could…" she trailed off.

"You could be with Kyle," Amanda finished.

"But it doesn't matter what I do…Even if you were with Nate, Kyle would still want to be with you. And you want to be with him. I see the way you watch him when you know he's not looking. You still love him."

"Doesn't matter, I can't let myself get hurt again." The way she said it looked as if she was building a barrier around herself, but on the inside she knew Jessi's words were true.

"Forget what you think you know about him. All he's ever done is love you with his whole heart." You could tell Jessi was having a hard time admitting this.

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because I care about him… and you told me when you care about somebody you put their needs first. Kyle needs you. So I won't be getting in your way any more." Jessi said before leaving.

Amanda had never told me about this so I was seeing this for the first time. We watched as Amanda sat at the counter and contemplated what Jessi had said. It was a side of Jessi she had never seen. A side I rarely saw myself. She was showing maturity, self-righteousness.

"Wow we actually got along for a minute there." She smiled.

"It didn't happen that often," I chuckled.

The memory changed again this time Amanda and I were watching from the Trager's back porch. We saw myself walk out from the kitchen and Amanda walk up the steps.

"Kyle,"

"Amanda I…I didn't think you'd want to see me," I admitted.

"I don't want to be mad anymore. I feel like that's all I've been lately." She sighed. "I'm so confused about what to think of you…and the only thing I can do to get through it is to follow my heart…My heart says that there's still something there."

There was silence until she spoke again.

"Please say something."

We could see the tears fill the brim of my eyes.

"Amanda…This person I am…This life I lead it's…Its different than anyone else's…I'm different."

"I know that."

"You know some of it…But there are things that I can never tell you…And people who want things from me who know that the way to get to me is through the people I love."

"What does that mean 'get to you'?" She seemed so frustrated.

"It means that as much as I want us to be together, we can't."

"Why does that get to be your choice?"

"Because my choice is to protect you…Always."

"You don't need to protect me…What you need to do is explain," she pleaded.

Watching myself I wish I had explained everything to her right there. But I didn't.

"I'm sorry…But I can't…"

She back away and left hurt and even more confused. Amanda and I didn't say anything we just continued through the next couple of memories. Mainly just her trying to understand why I was trying to protect her. Then a new memory started of her and Nate.

We watched him open the door to his apartment.

"So this is it, my domain."

"Wow."

I couldn't help but chuckle to myself I knew that Amanda wasn't impressed she was just being nice.

"You must study a lot," she said, looking over the stacks of books.

"There's always someone studying more."

"Why do you make everything a competition?"

"Wow. Direct."

"Sorry…" she said.

"No…No, I think I need that. You should call my out on my stuff, that's good. Can I get you anything?"

"I could use a soda."

"Machine's right down stairs," he said before leaving.

Amanda and I hovered by the window watching as the memory version of Amanda looked around Nate's apartment. She scanned over the pictures until she stumbled upon some notes. They were notes about Adam Baylin, Pod diagrams, things about Zzyzx. She quickly cleaned them up before Nate came back.

"You're beverage, my lady," he said, handing her the can of soda.

"Thank you."

"You okay?"

"Fine."

"What was so funny about that memory?" Amanda questioned once that memory was over.

"Nothing…" I smiled and she glared at me.

Then Amanda's memories changed again and she was at my window telling me what she had seen at Nate's apartment. From there it went to a conversation she had with Lori at the rack to talking with her mother to another discussion with Jessi.

Amanda was at my window again hoping to find me but she found Jessi instead.

"I imagine you're not dropping off another lasagna," Jessi inquired, opening the window.

"I'll come back later," Amanda scuffed.

"Sorry, but you can't leave."

"Why?" Amanda asked.

"Because you've seen me," Jessi says matter-of-factly

"Not following."

"I'm supposed to be missing and if you go and tell you new boyfriend that I'm not, you'll ruin everything."

"He's not my boyfriend," she defended. "He's not anything anymore. I told Kyle I'd stay away from him, but he still has all that stuff about Kyle in his dorm room."

"Why didn't you just take it?"

"I don't know, because that would be stealing."

"But Nate stole it in the first place."

"I guess it just didn't occur to me, alright. I'm not as smart as you!"

"That's true," Jessi agrees.

"I just came by to say Nate's working till ten tonight. So if Kyle wants to get into the room, he can," Amanda explained.

"Kyle's not home right now."

"Then you do it."

"I can't go anywhere."

"You still haven't explained that," Amanda reminded her.

"And I don't plan on it. Look unfortunately you're going to have to do it."

"Do what? Break into his room and steal his files?"

"I was thinking fire bomb, but…okay."

I shook my head thinking of how they acted toward one another. They hated each other yet I was the one thing they had in common. Now the memory was back to Nate's dorm room.

"Can you hear me?" Amanda asked putting the ear piece in and opening Nate's laptop.

"Yeah, I can hear you," Jessi replied. "I'm going to ghost his system, so basically it will be like I'm sitting right where you are. Less chance for operator error."

We see Amanda roll her eyes.

"Okay open up the system's file, I need you to get his I.P. Address…If you know what-"

"I know what that it, save the sarcasm," Amanda cut her off.

"Type it in to the share post box down at the bottom. And change all the settings to allow."

We see her type a few things in.

"Perfect." Jessi paused. "Wow, there's a lot of stuff here, Nate's been collecting."

"About Kyle?"

"See for yourself."

She shakes her head. "I've wanted to know his secrets for so long…and here it all is."

"Yeah, well take a good look."

"No, when he's ready to tell me then it will mean something, for now this is just weird."

"Always the good girl?" Jessi nagged.

"Not all of us can be as wild as you, Jessi."

"Apparently you can," Nate said, walking in and taking Amanda off guard.

"Nate!"

He questions Amanda and then he decides on calling someone but we don't know who, we can only hear his end of the conversation.

"Yeah, I just caught Kyle's girlfriends going through my stuff...Yeah, Amanda and Jessi...Well if she was she isn't anymore," he said before hanging up.

"I told you I didn't see anything," Amanda pleaded.

"Yeah, I wish I could believe that," he said, taking a step closer. "I really do."

We see Amanda's eye's dart from Nate to the door and Nate notices it to. Amanda gets up to run but Nate grabs her and throws her to the floor. Seeing this made me want to kill Nate, even though he wasn't the real Nate. Before anything else can happen Jessi breaks down the door and immediately attacks Nate. We see Amanda take a vase and crack it on Nate's head.

"Why did you do that?" Jessi seemed rather annoyed.

"I thought you could use the help."

"We have to get the files and get moving he's not going to be out for long."

"Why not?" Amanda asks

"Because you don't hit hard enough," Jessi spat.

I saw that Nate started to wake up and reach for Amanda. But she just punches him right in the face knocking him out again.

"Better?" Amanda smirked.

Jessi ignores it and starts collecting all the files.

"We're okay. Nate's out cold."

We see Jessi search through the papers on the desk and she finds Sarah's ring that Nate had taken from Cassidy.

"That ring looks a lot like the one Kyle wears around his neck," Amanda stated.

"Nate stole it from Cassidy…It belonged to my mother," she said, slipping it on her finger. "So I guess you kind of helped me find it."

"And you saved me so… I guess we're even."

Jessi goes back to looking at the papers.

"Look, I know we've never really gotten along but… I don't know I feel like we might be a little closer than before. So I think its only fair that I tell you…" Amanda trails off.

"Tell me what?"

"I'm going to tell Kyle that I want him back," Amanda stated.

Jessi stands up. "You really have the nerve to say that? After everything that's happen tonight?"

"Like I said, fair warning…You deserve it."

Jessi raises an eyebrow. "You're a lot braver than I thought."

We see Jessi sit back down and continue going through the documents.

"Origin?" Jessi questions.

"What is it?"

"I don't believe it…" Jessi says reading over the document. "Grace Kingsly…She can't be," Jessi said, more to herself than anyone else.

(AN: Okay so the memory that were just mentioned actually happened in the show. Except for the last part were Jessi was talking about Grace Kingsly I added that. The next memories are things that I've come up with that I think could have happened.)

We continued to watch as Jessi scrambled to gather what ever information Nate had been collecting. As soon as everything had been copied and deleted Jessi was on the phone with Foss telling him to meet them at the Tragers house.

"Jessi, what's going on?" Amanda finally asked once they were in the car. "Who's Grace Kingsly?"

"Did Nate ever say anything about a man named Michael Cassidy?" Jessi asked, keeping her eyes on the road.

"Yeah, he was apart of the group at UW. He ran it or something," Amanda rambled. "But what does he have to do with anything?"

"Kyle, Cassidy, and Grace are all related. Kyle and Cassidy are half brothers."

"Grace is their mother," Amanda concluded.

"Unfortunately," Jessi mumbled putting the car in park in the Trager's driveway.

We saw them both jump out of the car and run into the house. Foss was already there when they found their way into the kitchen and saw me holding Cassidy's throat in my hand.

"Kyle stop," Foss was firm; he had on hand on my arm. "This isn't who you are."

The girls stay back a little letting Foss handle things. This memory still haunted me and it was strange to see it from Amanda's perspective. Finally we saw me release my clutch on Cassidy and slowly back away.

"I…I did…I." We saw Cassidy's body fall limp.

"Kyle…" Amanda said, taking a few steps closer to me

"I'm sorry… I…"

We could see that I was sobbing in shock of what I had done. We watched Amanda hold me and I kept apologizing over and over. Myself, I hadn't paid attention to what Jessi and Foss were doing, but in this memory, Amanda had.

"Jessi, I can't feel a pulse," Foss whispered

That memory ended and I was ashamed to look at Amanda. What she did surprised me a little she placed her hand on my cheek and pulled my face so that I was looking at her. She didn't say anything…She didn't have to.

The next memory was of Foss explaining to the Trager's what had happened and what he had done to take care of it. Then the memory jumped a few days. Amanda was on the front porch of the Trager house waiting for someone to answer. Stephen did.

"Hey Mr. Trager, How is he…?" she asked, stepping inside.

"The same as yesterday." He frowned. "He's still in his room if you want to see him."

Amanda went back to my room. It was a mess notes were everywhere trying to prove that what Cassidy had said and what Jessi had seen weren't true. That Grace wasn't my birth mother. But it was useless to prove the truth wrong.

"Kyle?"

We could see my eyes dart over to her in acknowledgment then back to nothing as the memory me sat in my tub. She didn't say anything but she climbing into the tub and sat across from me. No words were spoken but her being there let me know she still cared. For the life of me I couldn't understand why. She knew no reasoning for what I had done, not yet anyway.

Then it changed again to something I didn't know Amanda had over heard. She was going out to her car when she heard Jessi and I arguing over the fence.

"I can't just move on and go about my life as if I did NOTHING!" I shouted.

"Kyle, he was going to hurt you, he was going to hurt your family. You did what you had to," Jessi tried to reason.

"I did what I had to," I scoffed. "He was my BROTHER!"

"No, he was not your brother. Josh is your brother. Lori is your sister. And Stephen and Nicole they are your parents. They are your family. Grace and Cassidy may have shared your blood but they aren't your family and never have been."

There weren't any more shouts just the sound of a door slamming.

Amanda didn't know this but this argument between Jessi and I took place about two weeks before she left. I hadn't noticed until now how much emphasis Jessi had put on the Tragers being my family.

Gradually things got better though, the memories seemed to consist of Amanda trying to get through to me and little by little she did. Soon enough Brice was in my life.

"Is this him?" Amanda asked, taking the seat across from me at the table at the rack. It was a slow day so she could go on her break while Josh took over the register.

"Yeah, this is Brice," I smiled. He was sleeping in the stroller while I was reading over the 'help wanted' adds.

"He's adorable Kyle." She smiled. "Have you decided what you're going to do?"

"About adopting him? Yeah, I think I'm going to go through with it."

We saw Amanda nod as if to continue.

"I think if I didn't I would regret it…Beside things in my life are finally getting back to normal…He needs me." I whispered the last part while peering into the stroller where he slept.

The memories to follow were of me telling her everything about my past, the custody trial over Brice, his birthday, us moving to Dartmouth, Foss's heart transplant, her mother's engagement and wedding, our graduation from college, moving back to Seattle, our engagement, our first time together, our announcement of our engagement along with the accident which seemed to be the hardest to relive.

We saw Amanda place Brice in his car seat and her climb into the front seat and start the car. As she pulled away from her mom's house she waved goodbye. She checked the review mirror a few times to make sure Brice was alright, it was pretty late and he had fallen asleep.

"We're almost home sweetie," she said gently.

They crossed the intersection not two blocks from our apartment and were t-boned from a drunk driver running a red light. We saw Amanda smack her head on the side window, then slump over the wheel. Things started to become pieces. You could hear the sirens of the police and ambulance and every so often she would come to.

"Where's Brice…? Is he okay?" she would ask every so often.

Then she blacked out for a while and woke up in the hospital. We didn't need to see any more so the hospital room we were in turned to darkness. We weren't anywhere again.

"That's it Amanda… That's everything in the past six years," I whispered.

She had tears in her eyes but she smiled. "It feels so good to remember." She laughed and I did too wiping away the stray tears. "I can't even….I can't explain it."

I wrapped her in my arms and held her until I began to feel the apartment around us again. We were becoming more aware.

I woke up and she was still in my arms her back leaning into my chest.

"Welcome back." I whispered kissing the top of her head as she began to wake up as well.

AN: Hey everyone I know it's been a long, LONG time since I've updated and I feel really bad about that, I'm really sorry! I've been doing some climbing and visiting some family and friends in Europe for the past month. I haven't really had that much access to internet so that is why I haven't been able to update. I do have drafts written for the next two chapters so I'll try to get those up in the next week. Well I hope everyone likes this chapter and let me know what you think!