Chapter Four

Duo vividly remembered the baby shower, the horde of Quatre's sisters and Relena's female friends and himself, the lone man present. He remembered walking into a room decorated to in every shade of pink. And of course everything was pink - not because Relena was expecting a girl, but because it was Relena. And of course Duo was the only guy there, not because he was gay, but because he was Relena's.

She said that to him often, told him that only he and Quatre really knew her, really loved her for more than her social position and her good manners - to which Duo always snorted, because maybe Relena had good manners when she was with the people who knew her least, but get a few drinks in her and she was anything but polite.

She had warned him that he would be the only guy, had begged him to come anyway, and he'd agreed to, especially after she told him that Quatre was going to be out of town that weekend. There was no way he would leave Relena alone with all of those Winner sisters.

There were silly party games, fancy pink desserts, pink sparkling cider, and the gifts. So many clothes, toys and jewelry that Duo doubted Relena would have to buy anything for her daughter for at least two years. And then Duo's gift, Relena's tears and her awkward, hugely-pregnant belly hug and the rest of the guests frowning slightly.

Duo didn't know anything about babies, and he'd been confident that whatever he managed to get for Relena and her daughter would be useless, until he remembered one morning, early on in her pregnancy when Relena was still suffering from morning sickness. They had been out shopping, looking for a new suit for Duo for a meeting with potential investors in his club, and he had held back her hair and pressed a cool, wet cloth to the back of her neck while she emptied her stomach into the toilet at Morris & Sons.

Duo had made some flippant comment, something along the lines of getting pregnant himself if it was this much fun and Relena had glared and then sighed. Had had a moment of being overwhelmed, of admitting that she knew nothing about being a mother and was terrified and hoped that she could be the mother that she had never had, had begged Duo to help her, to make sure she didn't abandon her child to nannies and promised that she and Quatre would be there for everything, every diaper change, ever stubbed toe, every tear and laugh.

So Duo called up one of their old New York fashion friends, a girl who had been an intern for Alexander McQueen and had once confessed to taking home arm fulls of extra material and had asked for a favor, had described a mei tai to her and asked her to make one out of that pink skull print fabric that they both knew Relena loved.

The Winner sisters and Relena's social acquaintances weren't terribly impressed with it, curled up their noses at the bright pink and the black skulls as Relena held it up and tried it on.

But Relena loved it. Relena promised to use it all of the time - exclaimed that it would be perfect for keeping her baby girl close, for sharing the world with her.

So it was with very mixed feelings that Duo picked up the mei tai as he unpacked the last box for Liv's nursery.

The townhouse was already furnished - he knew that Relena and Quatre had split their time between the Winner estate and the townhouse, closer to Quatre's work, during the week. But a few things had still been at the estate, including the mei tai, and Duo had volunteered himself to unpack those things, selfishly hoping to find something of Relena's, and now that he had, he wished he hadn't.

He clutched the smooth fabric tightly and fought back the sick feeling in his gut, the tightness in his throat. He wondered how often Relena had even used the mei tai - wondered if she ever had.

"Did you still want to go grocery shopping with me?"

Duo turned at the voice, to see Trowa standing in the doorway to the nursery, Liv in his arms, cradled in the crook of his arms and asleep and content and completely unaware of the fact that her world had lost its brightest stars.

"Yeah," Duo had to clear his voice. "Yeah, I do."

He stood up and Trowa arched an eyebrow at the mei tai.

"What is that?"

"It's a sling - a baby carrier." Duo put it on and held out his arms for Liv.

Frowning, Trowa passed her over and Duo put her into the sling and demonstrated.

"It's supposed to be comforting for the baby - to be close to their parent and…" Duo trailed off as Trowa nodded rapidly.

He wondered if Trowa was trying to picture Quatre or Relena wearing the thing, carrying around Liv. Wondered just how much it hurt Trowa to think about it.

"Anyway," Duo said in a rush. "Do you want me to drive or do you want to just walk?"

Whole Foods was only a few blocks away, and they hadn't planned to get too much by way of groceries - food for themselves, formula and toiletries for Liv.

"Walk," Trowa said.

And so they walked, in silence, each lost in their own thoughts and Liv sleeping away, her little body warm and soft against Duo's chest and he found himself holding her feet, gripping them lightly as they bounced and he took comfort in her, in this small piece of Relena he still had.

Once at Whole Foods they parted ways, Duo volunteering to get the baby supplies while Trowa got the "adult" food - and wine. Vodka had always been his drink of choice, his and Relena's and when they had lived in New York they had drunk gallons, it seemed, each week. But then, back in Chicago, when Relena grew up she started to drink wine and Duo had followed her lead, had grudgingly gone with her to wine stores and wine tastings and, despite himself, grown to appreciate wine. Apparently Trowa was a wine drinker as well. And maybe Duo wasn't going to be able to mourn Relena's death by getting shit faced until he forgot she was dead every night, but he was damn sure he was going to need a glass of wine every now and then.

They had only just settled into the townhouse that afternoon, had only just collected Liv from Leia for the last time and it still felt surreal, still felt like some kind of bizarre dream that Duo would wake up from at any moment and find himself back in his own bed, in his loft apartment, curled up around a naked man and a text from Relena on his phone with the newest adorably genius thing Liv had done.

But as Duo looked at the list of baby products Leia had provided him with - the same list that Relena had given to Leia before leaving on that damned trip with Quatre - Duo knew there would be no waking up from this dream, this nightmare.

He sighed and kissed the top of Liv's head, her soft, fine blond hair tickling his lips.

All he could do was keep going. And he had to do that, had to stop drowning in the past because Liv was the future and she needed him and Trowa.

Which meant that Duo had to figure out which brand of organic baby formula Relena referred to as the 'red kind called Earth something.'

Because as Duo stared at the row of baby formula he saw four different organic brands with in red cylinders that had Earth in the name.

Leia had given them the remaining formula that she had - saved in a glass jar because Relena apparently had a thing against the packaging the formula came in and insisted on storing it in an airtight glass jar instead and that was really the last thing Duo should be upset about, but in that moment, as he stared helplessly at the different brands of formula, he felt a measure of anger.

How the hell was he supposed to know which fucking brand of baby formula she used?

"You look like you could use some help."

Duo transferred his glare from the shelf to the green-aproned, pierced and tattooed Whole Foods employee who approached him.

The handsome, green-aproned, pierced and tattooed man whose friendly smile faltered slightly under Duo's glare.

Duo sighed.

"Yeah," he admitted and waved the list at the employee. "I have no clue what I'm doing."

The man smirked slightly, looked between Duo and Liv.

"Most new dad's feel that way."

Duo snorted.

"Yeah, well, most new dad's didn't become a dad when their best friend died and left them custody of their baby."

The man's eyes went wide and Duo had to sigh again.

"Sorry. You -"

"No, I'm sorry. For your loss and - that's a lot to handle."

Duo nodded.

"Yeah. I mean, I'm the not the only one - it's me and another guy - we're taking care of her together."

"Your partner?"

Duo snorted in amusement. His partner. He supposed Trowa was his partner - in raising Liv. But definitely not in the sense that this guy meant. Because despite that hand job at Quatre and Relena's wedding that left Duo wanting a hell of a lot more from Trowa, he knew there was no chance at more ever happening. Not before this mess, and definitely not now.

"No. He's not - not really my type," Duo concluded, because Trowa wasn't. Trowa was the book worm, the economics professor and he was successful and put together and academic and funny and intelligent and everything that Duo was not and everything Duo knew he wasn't likely to ever find in a guy.

The employee smiled a little wider and Duo arched an eyebrow.

"Well, let me help you figure this out," the employee held out his hand for the list and Duo passed it over. "I'm Brad, by the way."

"Duo."

"Nice to meet you, Duo. And -?" Brad indicated Liv.

"This is Liv - Olivia."

Brad nodded and looked over the list.

"Hm. I think this is supposed to be the Earth's Best. It's the best-seller."

Duo accepted the cylinder Brad passed him.

"Want me to show you where the rest of this is? The soap and the wipes and things?"

"Please," Duo barely refrained from begging and Brad smirked.

"How are you adjusting to being a dad?"

"Well, I've only had her for a few hours… but I don't think I've done anything too wrong yet."

Brad nodded and gave him another sympathetic look.

"I'm sure it's going to be really hard for a while but it looks like you already really love her."

Duo nodded.

"Impossible not to."

Brad helped him get the baby soap and baby shampoo and the baby wipes, Seventh Generation diapers, rash cream and even baby safe laundry detergent, which wasn't on the list but Duo felt confident Relena probably used.

"Look, ah," Brad handed back to the list, "I'm sure your life is crazy right now but if you wanted to grab a drink sometime or -"

"Duo."

Brad and Duo both turned at the sound of Trowa's voice. Trowa glared at them, and even if he hadn't said Duo's name in a low, angry tone that made Duo's shoulders tense Duo would sure as hell know from that expression that Trowa was not happy.

"Trowa," Duo said in the same tone of voice.

Trowa arched an eyebrow at the tone, glanced over at Brad and then back at Duo.

Duo rolled his eyes and turned back to Brad.

"Thanks for the help with everything," he said and gave him an apologetic shrug. "I'll see you around."

Brad nodded and backed away when Trowa moved to walk past him and Duo followed him, shook his head at Trowa's attitude and wasn't surprised when the walk back to the townhouse was tense and silent.

He was actually grateful when Liv woke up as they were putting away the groceries. Grateful for her fussy cries and the excuse to leave Trowa to finish unpacking while he took her to the nursery and changed her diaper, practically fleeing from the kitchen and Trowa's green glare and tense shoulders.

"Well, this has been a very exciting day," he spoke to Liv, keeping his voice soothing, unconsciously using the same voice he used to use for Relena when she was hungover.

Liv stopped crying and stared at him as he wiped her clean.

"And we're probably going to have a very, very exciting rest of the day spent avoiding Mr. Stick Up His Ass," he continued.

Because of all the things Duo now had to contend with, that look of disappointment and judgement on Trowa's face when he heard Brad ask him out was not something he wanted to deal with.