After dinner Darren insisted on walking Chris back to his hotel. Once there, Chris paid for another night and led Darren up to his room so they could spend a little bit more time together before Darren had to go home.
Chris set his keys on the nightstand and placed the jam Darren had bought for him in his suitcase between a few shirts to make sure the jar wouldn't break.
Darren made himself comfortable in the middle of the bed, sitting cross-legged and looking at the daily newspaper that was left in front of the door.
Chris grabbed a change of clothes and stepped inside the bathroom for a quick shower (he hadn't taken one since the morning before and was starting to feel a bit disgusting due to the heat). He hadn't realized he'd started singing along to the melodies in his head—it just came naturally—but Darren did. He set the newspaper down in his lap and listened to the voice making its way through the cracks in the door.
After about ten minutes the water shut off, and a few minutes later Chris stepped out in a pair of loose jeans and a thin, solid grey v-neck. His thick chestnut hair was still damp and sticking out every which way and there were a few beads of water still attached to his neck.
Darren tried to direct his focus somewhere else, but before he had time, Chris sat down in front of him, seemingly unaware that Darren had just been staring.
"Sorry about that. I feel much better now." He picked at the edge of the newspaper before Darren folded it and tossed it aside.
"What would you like to do now?" Darren folded his hands in his lap.
"This is your city. You're supposed to be showing me a good time," Chris joked.
"You came here with the intention of seeing everything on your own. You just got lucky and found me," Darren grinned in reply.
"Touché," Chris paused and briefly looked away. He took note of the bright green letters on the alarm clock. 9:13. "Let's go do something, Criss. The night's still young."
"How do you feel about a walk on the pier? There's a really great place to get calamari."
"You just ate a few hours ago!" Chris laughed, but hopped off of the bed and slipped on a pair of shoes.
Darren rolled off shortly after and picked Chris' keys up, moving them out of Chris' reach when he made a grab for them. "Ahhh, I'm driving. You can relax tonight, okay?"
"You don't know how to drive my car," Chris protested.
"Does it have a steering wheel and pedals?"
Chris shook his head, not in disagreement, but because of how silly Darren could be. "Fine, but this means I get to pay tonight."
"We'll see about that," Darren smirked and trotted out the door, leaving Chris to follow.
XXX
Darren and Chris walked along the pier and shared an order of calamari—Darren won their brief argument and paid, only when Chris realized that he'd left his wallet back at the hotel once again.
Their hands seemed to find each other and by now, Chris wasn't surprised by the gesture. It felt natural, as if their hands were specially created to gravitate towards one another, like opposite poles of a magnet.
"Seagulls," Darren randomly stated. He handed the little cardboard try to Chris so he could use his free hand to grab a bite. Once it was in his mouth, he took it back and allowed Chris to do the same.
Chris turned his head to the side as he began chewing. "What?"
Darren pointed to the railing a ways down the pier. "You know, like Finding Nemo. Nigel."
Chris wasn't following, but Darren had a way of spinning his thoughts off of their axis, always complicating their conversations.
Darren continued, "He flew all over the place… knew everything. He helped Nemo out."
"He did," Chris agreed.
"That's how I think of myself when I'm around you."
"I make you feel like a seagull?"
"Not just any seagull. Nigel."
"I don't need to be saved, Darren."
"No? Then why did you come to San Francisco?"
Chris pondered Darren's questions for a few minutes as they continued to walk. Darren carelessly threw their empty container into a trashcan as they passed and gave Chris some time to think. The longer they walked, the farther away they got from the mass of bodies, and the darker it got.
"I don't need to be saved by someone else," he finally said. "I'm strong enough to get through things on my own. I have been for years."
"I know that, Chris. I told you that earlier today. But that doesn't mean you can't accept help."
They paused at the railing and Chris gazed out at the ocean. The sky was cloudy once again and the ocean's calm ripples were beginning to become coarse waves.
"Growing up, I never had anyone I could call a friend. I had classmates and people I met at our local theater in Clovis—that's where I'm from, by the way—but they were never there for me. Not like you have been." Chris looked up at Darren, knowing he was putting everything on the line in that moment.
"I want to be there for you, Chris, because no one should have to go through anything alone."
Chris turned his focus back to the water. "I'm still trying to figure out why you're so interested in helping an eighteen-year-old-boy you just met yesterday."
"Hey," Darren nudged him, "I thought we were friends."
Chris smiled, but Darren could tell his heart wasn't in it. "This is who I am, Chris. I'm friends with everyone. I think life's too short to waste time ignoring someone or sitting still all day. I want to be doing things. I want to look back in twenty years with no regrets, only hundreds of memories. There's already enough bad shit in this world to worry about."
Chris felt a few raindrops hitting his bare arm. "So you feel obligated to talk to me."
"That's not what I meant. You… you're different."
"Don't be silly. I'm no different than anyone else you're trying to help out. You feel a need to do so, so you do."
"Dammit, Chris. Stop, okay? Just stop. This," Darren reclaimed Chris' hand, "is not an obligation. I don't walk up to random strangers I meet and grab their hand or spend entire days with them or invite them to stay the night at my house." Darren's voice started to rise, but for the first time, he felt like Chris was really listening. "Stop acting like I don't care about you because I do. I do. Way more than I probably should."
Chris slowly nodded and when he spoke, his voice was even less than a whisper. "Okay."
Just then the rain started picking up, beginning to seep into their clothes. "Shit, come on." Darren tugged on Chris' hand and ran towards the car. Luckily they weren't parked too far away.
Darren yanked the back, driver's side door open because it was the closest one and slid inside after Chris. He let out a deep breath and relaxed against the seat, allowing his head to fall back and his eyes to close. He'd only had them shut for a few seconds before Chris spoke.
"I've been physically and emotionally beat up every single day for the past four years simply for being who I am, so I'm weary of anyone I come in contact with." Chris' hands were folded in his lap and his head was turned down when he spoke. His voice was quiet, and Darren wanted to move closer so he could hear better, but he didn't. He didn't say anything; just waited for Chris to continue.
"I'm sorry for doubting you or acting like I don't trust you. Truthfully, I do, and that scares the shit out of me."
The rain was pouring down on the roof of Chris' car, but Darren was so attuned to Chris that the noise of heavy raindrops repeatedly pounding down all around them didn't have any effect on the fragile voice begging to be heard over the chaos. Approximately every thirty seconds the sky would be lit up for a fraction of a moment, followed by the loud bang of thunder. In that brief instant, Darren could see Chris' face in a brighter light, see the pain behind his eyes that he couldn't otherwise see when the only light they had was the dim yellow streetlight not too far from their car.
"Trusting you means opening a part of myself up that I've worked so hard to keep stitched closed. I'm afraid of uncovering a part of me because my wounds are still so fresh. One small bump along the way would send a pain rushing through my body, and Darren, you could do a hell of a lot of damage."
Darren slowly reached over for Chris' hand and intertwined their fingers. "Chris. I promise I'm never going to hurt you. Sometimes another hand can help to heal things a little quicker."
Chris shifted closer to Darren and rested his head on his shoulder without giving it much thought. Darren wrapped his arm snug around Chris and it made Chris feel safe and warm and protected. Maybe he could allow Darren to protect his heart as well; he just had to find the courage to give it to him.
"The night I came here—or morning, whatever you want to call it—I was lying in my bed staring at the ceiling. I'd never felt so alone before. I thought graduating meant I would finally get out of Clovis, and I would make something of myself. But I didn't.
"All throughout high school, my parents drove me to audition after audition, and no one even gave me a second thought. My dreams are being crushed, I'm going nowhere with my life, and everyone in my town would rather me be dead than be gay."
Chris buried his face deeper into Darren's shirt and he could feel the tears prickling in the corners of his eyes. "I almost killed myself, Darren. I was so close to doing it because what is the point in living when no one wants me here?"
"Chris," Darren choked out. He pulled him as close as physically possible and let his own tears fall at Chris' confession.
Chris was nearly sobbing by this point, realizing just how close he'd come to missing out on the rest of his life and the man holding him in his arms. "I don't know what to do anymore."
"Shhh, Chris. I've got you, baby. You're not going anywhere." Darren kissed the top of his head and shifted so they were lying down in the seat.
Chris kept his face buried deep inside of Darren and let Darren hold his trembling body. He couldn't even feel Darren also trembling beneath him.
It was only a matter of minutes until they had cried themselves to sleep, never letting go of each other.
XXX
Chris woke up the next day to the feeling of Darren's soft breaths against his forehead. He raised his head up to look out of the window of the car. The sun wasn't too far up in the sky yet, and the cars from the night before were replaced by a new set of tourists'.
Chris felt Darren pull him back down and wrap his arms tighter around him. "Mmm'orning." Darren's eyes were still closed, but his lips turned upwards into a smile.
Chris smiled back at the sight and allowed himself to relax against Darren. After the previous night, he didn't feel that there were too many barriers left between them, and exhilaration washed through him at the thought.
"I can't believe we slept here all night. I can't believe I slept."
Darren finally opened his eyes and his hazel met Chris' own blue, just a few inches apart. "You were exhausted."
"You called me 'baby'," Chris recalled out-of-the-blue.
"What?" Darren sat up a little bit and Chris moved away from him slightly, but not enough to create much distance between them.
"Last night. The last thing I remember is you saying that."
"Oh." Darren looked out the window at the pier. Everything was still wet from the night before, but the ocean was much calmer. "I didn't mean anything by that. It was just instinct I guess." He looked over at Chris, and the hurt he saw behind his blue eyes forced him to continue. Disappointing Chris was the last thing he wanted to do. "I don't know why I do the things I do when you're around, Chris. I meant it when I said you're different. I-I... I can't control my thoughts or my words or my actions when I'm with you, and I don't know why. It's fucking confusing because that's not who I am. I always know exactly what to say." Darren scooted a bit closer to Chris. "I like myself the best when I'm with you, though."
Chris didn't say anything. He wasn't sure what to say.
Darren rested his head on Chris' shoulder and looked up at him. "I'll drive you back to your hotel and then walk home from there, okay?"
"Oh. O-okay."
Darren moved to the driver's seat as Chris moved to the passenger's seat. They stayed quiet as Darren shifted the car into gear and pulled out of the parking lot.
"Chris?"
It was Chris' turn to answer. "Yeah?"
"You… you still want to hang out with me today, right?"
"Of course!" Chris wondered where Darren would get a crazy idea that he didn't want to spend Fourth of July with him.
"Good." Darren smiled and reached over to take Chris' hand.
"Hey, Darren?"
"Yeah?" Darren looked quickly to Chris before turning his attention back to the road.
Chris looked over at him. "There's no need to go back to my hotel, you know. I don't need anything." Their time was already limited, and he wanted to spend as much of it with Darren as possible.
"I was hoping you would pack up your things and check out while I was gone so you could stay with me tonight."
Chris sighed dramatically. "Only because you're so persistent." He grinned and squeezed Darren's hand. "Give me five minutes to throw everything in my suitcase and I'll drive you to your house myself."
"Okay." Darren leaned over and kissed his cheek as if it was something he'd done a hundred times before.
Chris didn't know what any of this meant, but for once, he wasn't scared to find out.
XXX
Darren and Chris spent the rest of the morning in the small, but cozy, living room of Darren's house—they had packed Chris' few things and checked him out of the hotel by 10:30 that morning. His mom was delighted to have Chris staying with them for the remainder of his trip, much to Chris' surprise.
Cerina was scurrying around the house, cleaning the table and dusting the shelves in between baking pies and grilling hamburgers. Darren briefly mentioned something about a party she was throwing before he ran up to his room, returning with a movie in his hands.
"Really, Dare? The Patriot?"
"I'm nothing if not patriotic." He slipped the movie in the DVD player and took his place on the couch next to Chris.
Chris snuggled up to his side and marveled at how wonderful it felt to rest his head against Darren's chest.
"Comfortable?" Darren tilted his head a bit.
"Yes, thank you." Chris turned his focus towards the movie for the remainder of their stay at his house.
Once finished with the movie, they hopped into Chris' car—Darren still insisted on driving, claiming the night was a surprise for Chris—and headed towards an unknown destination.
The ride was fairly silent until Chris started yelling in excitement. "Wait, wait, wait! Stop!"
Darren had come close to slamming on the breaks, but eased the car to the curb between two others. "What?"
Without saying a word, Chris pulled out his phone and snapped a picture of the Yoda statue to their right. "I can't believe I almost forgot that this was here!"
Darren looked at Chris, incredulously.
"What?" Chris tilted his head.
"N-nothing." Darren looked away, bashful.
"Star Wars is an excellent film."
"I know it is," Darren agreed, defensively. He looked over at Chris and watched him snap a few pictures. Darren couldn't take his eyes off of him, not even when Chris turned back around in his seat.
"Are you sure everything is okay?" Chris asked when Darren still hadn't looked away.
Darren squeezed Chris' hand and pulled away from the curb. "It's perfect."
XXX
After crossing the Golden Gate Bridge, Darren pulled off into a little parking lot and shut the car off. While he retrieved something from the trunk, Chris took a moment to look at the city from afar. The view of the water, the bridge, and the skyline against the orange, sunset-lit sky was beautiful.
Chris eventually stepped out of the car and met Darren at the front, taking his extended hand. "You brought a cooler?" Chris questioned once he realized what Darren was carrying.
"We didn't eat dinner, so I stole a few hamburgers and some potato salad from my mom."
Darren led them up the hill to a relatively flat area. He took the blanket that had been sitting on top of the cooler and spread it out across the ground before sitting down and pulling Chris with him.
"Do you want to eat now?" Darren asked.
Chris' stomach growled in reply and they both laughed. "I guess that's a yes."
Darren pulled out a bag of hamburger buns, the hamburger patties, and a container of potato salad. "I actually have a bag of chips and a couple bottles of water in the backseat. I'll go get them."
As Darren ran back to the car, Chris removed the lid of the potato salad and sat the two forks on top. Then, he began making his hamburger.
"One bottle of water for you," Darren said as he handed it over and sat back down.
"Thank you."
"My mom's potato salad is fucking amazing, by the way. Sorry I didn't bring plates or anything."
"What's a true picnic without getting a little messy?"
Darren held his water bottle up and met Chris'. "To freedom."
"To freedom," Chris repeated, but for some reason, he didn't feel all that free yet.
XXX
About halfway through their dessert—red and blue Jell-O with whipped cream—a few of the bigger fireworks started going off in front of them.
"This is the best place to watch the fireworks. You can see the show the city puts on, as well as all of the others."
"It's pretty. Back in Clovis there isn't a very good place to watch the fireworks."
Darren looked over at Chris then, and giggled when he noticed the little bit of whipped cream on Chris' nose. He reached over and wiped it away with his thumb. He saw Chris' cheeks begin to redden before he turned away. Darren, however, didn't turn away. He often found himself staring at Chris when he wasn't looking.
Chris laid down on his back and looked up at the sky. While he was watching the fireworks, Darren was watching him. He wondered how he got so lucky to find someone like Chris, and how no one else had completely fallen head over heels for him. As scary as it was for Darren to admit, just a few days with Chris had been better than any of the time he had spent with anyone else. Chris was quickly becoming his entire world and the reason he was so anxious to get up each morning.
Chris turned his head to the side and looked up at Darren. "You're doing it again."
Darren was nearly speechless once his eyes met Chris'. They were sparkling like Darren had never seen them sparkle before. "Doing what?"
"Staring," Chris smiled. He looked back towards the city.
Darren laid down perpendicular to Chris and rested his head on Chris' chest. When he felt Chris' hands playing with the curls on the top of his head, he relaxed into him.
Darren didn't say much for the next few minutes because words didn't seem to be enough for the way he was feeling. Instead, they watched the fireworks in the distance, and Darren let his mind wander. All at once, it hit him that Chris had never trusted anyone with his heart before, and telling Chris how he felt seemed thrilling, freeing, and absolutely terrifying all at the same time.
Darren finally broke the silence when he couldn't keep it in any longer. "Do you believe in love at first sight?"
Chris' hand stilled, but he didn't remove it. "Before I came here, I didn't even believe in love."
Darren stared off into the distance because he was afraid to meet Chris' eyes. Chris had a way of making him say anything and everything. "And now?"
"Now I think anything is possible." There was a brief silence apart from the fireworks being lit all around them. "Why do you ask?"
"No reason." Darren finally turned his head and all restraint he had seemed to dissipate. He craned his neck until their lips were just inches apart and lightly pressed his own lips against Chris'. Darren had had many kisses before, some with girls, a few with guys. They were chaste and passionate and messy. He'd kissed multiple people in numerous instances. There were stolen kisses in the hallway during high school, quick make out sessions in the backseat of a car, drunken kisses at college parties, and sloppy kisses after dates in Michigan. Each one had been different, but not a single kiss in his life was able to live up to the way the gentle kiss he was sharing with Chris felt.
Chris was caught completely off guard by the kiss. He laid on the cool ground, frozen in place at first. He felt Darren's lips on his, and they tasted sweet, much like Darren himself. He momentarily forgot how to breathe and forced the oxygen to filter through his lungs, willing his mind to function enough to take small breaths.
After a few seconds of processing what was happening, the hands which remained buried in Darren's hair fisted tight around the curls and pulled Darren up closer. Chris didn't know what was happening or why it was happening; not after years of being forced to deny who he really was. After years of being told he was worthless and wrong for not being attracted to girls. He didn't know how Darren came into his life so suddenly, but there Chris was, kissing the man who had shown him it was okay to be the person he was born to be, and nothing else mattered.
Chris didn't care about what his family would think—though he knew they would be happy for him—or what the people around him both in Clovis and San Francisco would think. All he cared about was Darren—Darren's lips; Darren's firm hands attached to his side, holding himself as close to Chris as possible. Chris wanted more. More of what, he wasn't sure, but nothing seemed to be enough. After years of being denied something as simple as a first kiss, the feeling of finally sharing something so special with someone he cared so much for was even more intense than anything he could have expected.
Chris' shirt rode up a few inches as they shifted into a more comfortable position, and Darren's hands were warm where they met the small patch of bare skin just uncovered. The light contact sent shivers through Chris' body which caused him to groan into Darren's parted mouth.
Chris eventually pulled away, breathless and full of bliss. "What was that for?" He didn't look upset, just confused.
Darren took a few seconds to catch his breath. It was almost like he forgot how to breathe. "Because I've been wanting to since that first morning." He pressed their lips together again, careful not to make it too much for Chris just yet. He was afraid anything more would be too much for him to handle. No one had made him feel quite like Chris did, and getting used to the new feeling was much harder than he'd imagined.
"I thought you were straight," Chris laughed.
Darren looked at him quizzically. "I never said that."
"You said you had an ex-girlfriend."
"I do have an ex-girlfriend, but I've never labeled myself. I am who I am, and I'll fall in love with the person I can't live without, regardless of gender." He didn't tell Chris that he thought he was the one person he would never be able to live without.
"So you like guys?"
"I like everyone."
And at that, Chris laughed again, because that was beyond true. Darren did like everyone.
"I like you," Darren finally whispered, his lips just inches from Chris'.
A firework went off much closer to where they were laying, and Chris startled and jumped, causing Darren's head to slide off of his chest. Darren laughed at him and cuddled up next to his side. They watched as the fireworks show began to go off, and about halfway through Darren pulled Chris close to his side. Chris rested his head on Darren's chest and felt his heartbeat beneath his ear.
"I'm not ready for you to leave, Chris," Darren whispered.
Chris let his emotions take over, and a single tear fell from his eyes, soaking through the threads of Darren's thin cotton shirt until it reached the smooth skin underneath. Darren pretended not to notice, but the small tear felt like an ocean wave during a damaging storm, knocking his emotions sideways until their weak walls were forced to collapse.
"I'm scared to go back without you," Chris finally said.
No more words were exchanged, a few more kisses were shared, and a whole lot of feelings were felt, trying to be expressed. It was like a game of tug-of-war. The feelings were on one side, tugging, fighting, struggling to pull Darren and Chris across the invisible barrier, but the thought of Chris returning to Clovis the following night was tugging just as hard from the other side of the line. No matter how strong the feelings were, the pain of leaving each other the next day kept them from saying how they really felt. Maybe if things remained unsaid, they would eventually be able to forget they were ever there in the first place. Maybe they wouldn't be able to forget, though, because Darren had saved Chris from the omnipresent cloud that had been looming over his head for years. Darren pulled Chris away and under his sunlight, into his bright life full of love, comfort, and kindness. Chris never wanted to leave the happiness he'd found in San Francisco, but he didn't have a choice.
XXX
After awhile, the fireworks died down and the air around them became a bit chilly. Darren held Chris closer and their combined body heat kept them warm.
"Do you want to go back?"
"Can we stay out here a little bit longer? Everything is so perfect, and I'm not ready for it to end." Chris buried his face into Darren's shirt and did his best to memorize the smell of him—a mix between detergent and something Chris couldn't quite place. It was just Darren.
Darren kissed the top of his head and closed his eyes. "Of course, sweetie."
"I'm going to miss you." Chris was so quite when he spoke that Darren almost missed it. He almost thought it was his imagination and subconscious working together to express his fear and concerns about Chris leaving him in less than twenty-four hours.
"Oh, god, I'm going to miss you so fucking much, Chris." Darren buried his face in Chris' thick hair, and the two of them laid there, under the dim stars and falling sparks, holding each other.
"What are we going to do about this… about… us?"
Darren didn't have an answer for him. In an idealistic world, Chris could move to San Francisco, somewhere he was safe and content. He could get out of Clovis and leave his past behind. However, things weren't that easy. Leaving his family wasn't that easy. "I don't know, Chris. I really don't."
Chris sighed into Darren. "I have to get out of there, Dare. I don't know what I'll do to mys-"
"No!" Darren cut him off. "No, Chris. Promise me. Promise me that if you ever feel like doing something to harm yourself, you'll call me. I'll be there as soon as possible. Just promise me you won't do anything. Promise me you won't make it impossible for me to see you again." Darren choked out the last bit and Chris reached up to brush away his tears. "Just promise me, Chris."
"I promise," Chris nodded with absolute sincerity.
"Have you thought about college? I know you mentioned going to auditions, and you can still do that, but maybe going to school could help. You could get out of Clovis, meet a new group of people. You can be you, the amazing man that I… the man that I met and became friends with."
Chris shook his head. "It's already July. It's too late."
"Maybe for the fall semester, but you still have time to apply for the spring."
"Where do you suggest I go?" Chris inquired with a grin, knowingly.
"I have no idea," Darren chuckled. "I mean, I hear Michigan has some pretty awesome schools, but I also hear the students there are kind of bizarre."
"I think," Chris began poking him in the side and Darren squirmed, "the students are fantastic."
"Yeah?"
"Oh, without a doubt!" Chris agreed.
"Hmm. Maybe I'll check into it."
"I can't believe I'm really doing this. Am I really thinking about applying to the same school that you attend?"
"Hey! We can be roomies! You'll have an entire night's worth of experience after tonight."
"I still have to apply first, Dare."
"Technicalities," Darren made a wave with his hand. Chris started laughing. "What's so funny?"
"I'm just thinking about how my parents will react when they find out I'm applying to a school in Michigan. They don't even know about you."
"Maybe you should tell them."
"Tell them what? I met someone in San Francisco, hung out with him the entire duration of my trip, and now I've decided to move in with him halfway across the country?"
"You don't have to put it that way."
"How am I supposed to tell her about you? How am I supposed to explain what you are, what we are, when I don't even know myself?"
"We're friends," Darren stated simply.
"Just friends?" Chris was a bit disappointed.
"We both know it's more than that." Darren sat up so he could see Chris a little better and Chris sat up with him. "I want you to be mine, but not until I'm sure I'm right for you."
"Darren-"
"No. I don't want to be the reason you choose to go to Michigan. I want you to look into other schools. I want you to choose the one you want because you want it, not because I'm there. If you still choose Michigan in the end, and if we find our way back together and to each other, nothing would make me happier than to be your boyfriend."
"You want to be my boyfriend?" Chris knew he shouldn't have been quite so shocked, but he was. He'd never been able to express interest in a guy before, but here was Darren, wanting to give him everything.
"Of course I do."
"I promise I'll look into other schools, but I don't know how I could be happy anywhere you're not."
"I hope you do choose Michigan. That shouldn't be any secret." Darren leaned forward and kissed him again.
Chris hadn't experienced anything like kissing Darren. The cliché fireworks were not only going on around them, but also inside of him. It was a feeling he didn't want to give up; not tonight, not tomorrow when he had to leave; not ever.
"Come on. Let's go home and snuggle in bed while we watch a movie." Darren gathered up the blanket and cooler, took Chris' hand, and led him to the car.
Well... is this what you wanted to happen? :)