Chapter 55

Elephant in the Room

"Breath in Breath out"- Mat Kearney

Kyle (POV)

I sat at my desk in my office of my home; a stack of freshly printed documents lay before me. I had looked over all the sheets of legal jargon and it all seemed to be in order: My entire life's affairs all complied into this stack of papers.

"All you have to do is sign," Foss said calmly, handing me a pen.

"I'm 37 years old," I sighed, taking the pen, "I shouldn't have to sign a will."

"Adam had his will in order by the time he was 25," Foss joked, trying to lighten the mood.

I chuckled softly and signed the document. It entitled that all the kids trust funds would be granted to them by the age of 25, their college tuition would be paid for in full, and the house and all my belongings and fortune would be left in Amanda's name.

"I'll give these to the layer tomorrow." Foss was referring to Levi Grant, the lawyer who had helped me with the custody trial years ago.

"Thanks Foss," I said, and rose from my seat to walk with him to the door.

"Get some rest, Kyle," he said as he slipped on his coat.

"I'll try. Goodnight Foss," I said, closing the door behind him.

I slowly and steadily climbed up the stairs. I paused at the top to catch my breath—the last thing I needed was to break into a coughing fit and wake the whole house. Once I was sure that I wouldn't cough I crossed the hall to the bedroom. I stopped outside Brice's door and peered into the empty room. Even after a year of him being away at college I still wasn't used to it.

I shook my head and quietly entered the bedroom. I found Amanda asleep in our bed; she looked so peaceful asleep on her side. I stripped down to my boxer briefs and gently pulled back the blanket before crawling in next to her. Amanda stirred slightly but relaxed after she realized it was only me. She instinctively nudged closer to me and I wrapped one arm around her, letting her cuddle up to my chest.

I lay there for a while, taking in the moment. This was one of my favorite times of the day, just holding her in my arms. I memorized the way her hair tickled my chest, the way her cool soft breath felt on my skin, the way her shampoo smelled like coconut and something else I couldn't quite figure out. I craned my neck down and kissed the top of her head before falling asleep.

Amanda awoke around seven to get the kids off to school. Six months ago she had convinced me to at least take a medical leave. I took a three-month medical leave than tried to go back to work, however I began to feel even more drained than usual. Than I decided it would be better for my health to take an extended leave from work.

It wasn't until around nine thirty that she came back to the bedroom to wake me.

"You planning on sleeping all day?" she joked, sitting on the edge of the bed, resting her hand on my leg.

"I was thinking about it," I smiled. "Working from home today?"

"I might make a phone call or two," she winked. "I was thinking we could eat breakfast in bed today,"

"That sounds wonderful," I grinned, noticing the bag of bagels on the nightstand along with two cups of coffee.

She climbed back into bed with me and I handed her one of the Styrofoam cups full of hot coffee along with a blueberry bagel.

"I can't remember the last time we had breakfast in bed, without one of the kids charging in," I chuckled.

"I can't remember the last time we had a meal without the kids," she added with a giggle.

"Have you talked to Brice recently?" I asked, making a mental note that it had been a while since I had talked with him.

"Yeah, we talked on Skype yesterday morning," she said, sipping her coffee.

"How's he doing?" I asked.

"Really well, he's still training with the hockey team, I guess they're still in preseason," she informed me. "It looks like the California sun has been treating him well, too."

"Last time I talked with him I noticed that too," I smiled.

We lounged in bed, our coffee cups long empty, and we just enjoyed each other's company. Eventually I went to stand and head to the bathroom to take a shower and get dressed for the day. When I went to stand I was hit by a coughing fit, I tried my best to get a handle on it but failed miserably. I ended up having to sit back down, while Amanda darted to the bathroom to get me a glass of water.

"Here," she said, handing me the glass.

I tried drinking the water and it did help the coughing subside.

"Are you alright?" she asked, running her hand through my hair.

"Yeah," I nodded as I caught my breath again.

"I'll give Declan a call and have him come take a look at you later," she said.

"You don't have to do that," I objected.

"I just want him to listen to you lungs," she said. "Just to ease my worries."

"Okay," I nodded reluctantly. "I'm just going to hop in the shower."

She nodded and hovered in the room until she heard the shower water running and knew that I had made it in the shower safely. Just before I stepped into the shower, I opened the palm of my hand and saw the crimson red blood I had managed to hide from Amanda. Coughing up blood was something new, and I didn't want her to worry even more than she already did. I got into the shower and washed the blood off of my hand.

Once I was all clean and dressed I made my way downstairs to find Amanda seated at the counter in the kitchen with her laptop out.

"Nice shower?" she asked, peering up from the email she was typing.

"Very refreshing," I chuckled.

"Foss was here pretty late last night," she noted.

"Yeah," I nodded. "We were finalizing the will,"

"Oh," she said, her voice just above a whisper.

My mortality was one of the biggest elephants in the room for us. We could never quite figure out how to talk about it. I leaned against the counter, facing her. We were both quiet for the longest moment.

"Amanda," I started, resting my hands on the edge of the counter, "We're going to have to deal with this at some point,"

"I can't lose you Kyle," her voice filled with pain.

"I'm still here," I said.

"But for how long?" Tears filled her eyes.

"For as long as I can be," I whispered as I stepped around the counter, closer to her and wiped away her tears. "I wish that I could tell you that every thing would be okay…but I can't, and I'm sorry for that,"

"There's nothing that can be done?" She looked up at me with pleading eyes.

"We can keep altering the formula, in order to slow the decline of my body's overall health. However-" She cut me off.

"You'll just become immune to the formula," she mumbled.

I nodded and she rose from her seat and collapsed into my arms. I held her tight and felt my shirt began to dampen.

"I'll keep fighting," I whispered, "For as long as I can,"

I rubbed small soothing circles on her back and just let her cry. It was the first time I had really seen Amanda break down about the situation. After a long moment of just holding her in my arms, she pulled back slightly and gazed up at me with flushed cheeks. I cradled her cheek in my palm and wiped away her tears as the trickled down. I tried my best to give her a reassuring smile.

I knew that eventually she would be okay, it would take some time, but she would get through it. She and the kids had a long road ahead of them, but they would be together, and eventually they would all be okay.

"What are we going to tell the kids?" she mumbled.

I hadn't really thought about it.

"Lets wait," I said. "They don't need to know just yet,"

She nodded. "They do deserve to know at some point though," she reminded me.

"I know, and they will," I assured, "I don't want to burden them just yet,"

"Okay," she said.

By that point we had moved to the couch. I had one arm slung over her shoulders and her legs draped over my lap.

"We have to make sure that they understand what will happen," she said. "I didn't understand, when my father was dying and I regret that,"

"You regret it?" I asked, slightly confused.

"I regret not going to the hospital when I should have," she elaborated, "not being there with him."

"They'll be okay," I mumbled.

She shifted so that she could rest her head on my shoulder. Neither one of us said any more. I sat, cradling her in my arms for hours; I would wipe away her tears as they fell, just trying anything to comfort her. We didn't have to worry about the kids coming home and finding Amanda so distraught because Stephen had picked up the twins from school and taken them to a basketball game, and Sophia was staying the night at Lori and Declan's house.

More than anything I wanted to be able to say something that would comfort her, something that would take the pain away. All I could do was hold her while she cried. I had been waiting for this for a while, for her to truly feel these emotions. This is what Amanda did; she would pretend that everything was all right when on the inside she was falling apart. I was the only person she felt comfortable showing her emotions to, it hurt me to know that she would have to deal with them alone after I was gone.

"You'll be okay," I whispered after hours of silence.

"How do you know that?" she mumbled.

"Because, you're one of the strongest people I know," I said softly.

"That doesn't make losing you any better," she said.

"I know," I sighed, "I know,"

Then we went back to silence. Neither one of us knew what to say. After a while I heard her stomach grumble, so I got up without saying a word and went to heat up left over pizza. I came back to the couch and handed her a slice before reclaiming my seat next to her. She curled back to me and began picking at her slice. It was obvious she didn't have much of an apatite. After picking at her slice for a while she gave up and placed the plate on the coffee table. I set my plate aside too, and went back to holding her.

"Are you afraid?" she asked after another stent of silence.

"Afraid?" I asked, not really sure what she meant.

"Of…dying?" her voice was barely audible.

I thought about it for a moment. I hadn't really given myself a chance to think about how I felt about the whole situation. I'd been so busy taking into consideration how everyone else felt.

"I haven't really thought too much about it," I finally admitted, "I think…"

"What?" she probed.

"I think…that I'm more afraid of everything that I will miss out on," I whispered, not wanting to upset her.

"With me and the kids?" she clarified.

"Yeah," I nodded.

She was quiet again; I could tell she was contemplating something.

"What are you afraid of?" I asked.

"Not being able to do it without you," she said softly, "Having to go on, alone,"

"Amanda," I sighed, choosing my words carefully, "After I'm gone, if…If you find someone who makes you happy,"

"Kyle," she cut me short, "To be honest I can't even…think about that."

"Okay," I smiled slightly and leaned down to kiss the top of her head that was resting on my shoulder.

We fell back into the silence. I just sat with her in my arms. It wasn't until I heard her breathing slow and her heart rate drop that I realized she had dozed off. I continued rubbing small soothing circles on her arm. Usually when she fell asleep on me I would carry her upstairs to our bed, however, I wasn't sure if I had the strength to carry her and climb the stairs.

I snatched the blue knit blanket from the back of the couch and draped it over us. She cuddled closer to me tugging the blanket to her. She had allowed herself to be so vulnerable today, and revealed her true emotion to me. It was something that she didn't do often, and took a lot of strength. It made me even more proud of her. In some ways it was reassuring because I knew that even when the time came that I could no longer be there, she would be okay. Eventually, she would heal.

AN: Hey everyone! I hope you all like this chapter even though its kind of sad… Let me know what you think! By the way I updated a few of the pictures for the story, they're on my profile so check them out!