Chapter 7: The Secret

I hardly ever have trouble sleeping, but after two nights tending a semi-conscious Byakuya, I'm a bit restless. To be completely honest, I don't think we've ever spent so much time in bed without…well…without. And let's face it. A fully relaxed and sleeping Byakuya is extremely hard to resist. And after forty-eight hours of 'hard to resist,' it becomes a little bit like torture. Now, it's a very sweet kind of torture, but it is torture, just the same.

It doesn't help that he's kind of smiling in his sleep or that he's resting halfway on top of me and I can feel warm breath on my ear and neck…or that his leg is resting tantalizingly close to where I want to feel his touch. The stuff they gave him to ease the pain and help him sleep has mixed with his penchant for deep thought and every now and then he starts talking in his sleep. A lot of what he's been saying is not recognizable, but a few of his whispered words have been…pretty provocative.

So all of this has really worn down my resistance and made me unable to sleep, even though he's the one who usually gets up to take long walks at midnight. I can't get up. I'm pretty much pinned beneath him…not a bad place to be, but I could really use a walk right now, a walk and a cold shower. I find myself feeling almost relieved when there is a very light tapping on the door.

"Come in," I say, expecting a healer.

It's too late for visitors. But it isn't a healer. It's Yoruichi, back from the living world. She steps in and smiles at me, then she gets a good look at Byakuya and starts to look pretty concerned. She must not have heard yet.

"Renji, what happened to him?" she asks.

"It's okay, Yoruichi," I tell her calmly, "It looks worse than it is and he's actually much better. They gave him something to relieve the pain and help him to sleep."

"Okay, but what happened? When I left, you were on your deathbed and he was recovering from that sudden reiatsu drop. What happened now?"

"Well, we found out that Byakuya can directly share reiatsu with me, even though I can't absorb it from anyone else. As long as he keeps doing that, I'll be okay. So we have time to find out what to do about the reiatsu problem."

"Kisuke is working on this, too, Renji. When I returned with the components for conceiving Byakuya's and your child, I explained how you had been attacked by that wolf-like thing, and he said that he's going to research the known creatures of Hueco Mundo to see if he can help."

"That's good. When Byakuya is well enough, he's going back to the Sereitei, because he says that an ancestor of his, a Yuudai Kuchiki, may have run into these creatures sometime in the past. Anyway, back to what happened. We went out one more time with Zaraki, Yumichika, and Ikkaku to try to find Kenta, the guy who disappeared. We separated to search different areas and Byakuya, Rikichi and I found some caves. It gets a bit fuzzy for me here, but Rikichi told me what happened after I…disassociated. Kenta staggered out of one of the caves, and then one of the wolf things came and wanted Kenta and me to go with it. According to Byakuya and Rikichi, it called us brethren. We all released zanpakuto, but Zabimaru would not respond. He is sealed and still won't speak to me. Then Kenta's and my eyes went red like the wolf thing's and Kenta did something that knocked Rikichi out. He…put his palm on Rikichi's chest and said, 'I choose you.' Byakuya later told me that I did the same thing to him the day his reiatsu dropped so suddenly. He thinks that this is why I can only receive reiatsu from him. With Rikichi down and Kenta and I turning on him, Byakuya activated his Senkei and bound Kenta and me with kido. He woke Rikichi and they were trying to figure out what to do, when one of the wolves appeared out of the mist and attacked Byakuya. Rikichi called on his zanpakuto's special ability and Byakuya detonated his Senkei and we all escaped. Byakuya took the worst of things though. He's been mostly incoherent with a little bit of clear time here and there. But he'll be okay in another day or two."

"Hmm," Yoruichi says, "I'm glad he's going to be all right, and I'll give Kisuke the information. But before I return to him…there is…ah…a reason I came back."

Her expression has me a little mystified, as does her sudden obvious discomfort. I get this feeling that things are about to get a little…unusual. When dealing with Kisuke Urahara and Yoruichi, things often get unusual.

"O-kay?" I say, "What is it? Is there news about the conception? Did something go wrong?"

I'm worried now. Byakuya and I are really counting on this to work.

"Oh, nothing is wrong, really, but I…ah, when Hanatarou and I gathered the components for Kisuke, I failed to collect the reiatsu in the correct way."

"Oh," I say, "Well, our reiatsu levels are fine. You can go ahead and get it now. He doesn't even have to wake up for that."

She's looking really uncomfortable now and I would swear that she is blushing. Now, I'm feeling uncomfortable. I've got a weird feeling about this.

"Ah…Renji, I think it isn't so much how I take the reiatsu, but when. Kisuke explained that part of what makes the conception process work is a change in the state of the reiatsu during…the…act of…"

Shit. Now I'm blushing, too. I think I'm glad that Byakuya is asleep right now. I think he'd bust something if he heard what she just said. I can't quite believe my ears, so I ask for clarification.

"Are you saying that you have to take it while we are…making love?"

She doesn't have to answer. Her face tells me I'm right. She calms us both by getting more clinical about it.

"Reiatsu reacts to the body's creative hormones. Those are activated and controlled by the desire and emotions that lead to lovemaking. The reiatsu changes during lovemaking…and Kisuke needs a sample of the changed reiatsu for this procedure to work."

I am really glad Byakuya is asleep. He is very private about…well, everything. I'm not as sensitive, but that has to do with how and where I grew up. I might be able to handle this, but, Byakuya? I don't know. Still…we both really want this.

"I would wake him and ask him, but the medication they gave him makes him kinda incoherent."

Yoruichi has an odd, knowing expression on her face now. I see where this is going.

"There is no way in hell I'm going to…Yoruichi! He's injured and in and out of consciousness. Even if I could talk to him about it, he wouldn't really be able to make a conscious decision."

She's smiling. Damn!

"Well…you know, Renji, I know Byakuya pretty well. I did mentor him. I know he really wants this to work," she says, sounding very certain.

I'm not convinced.

"We have to wait until he's fully awake and discuss it with him," I say firmly.

She shakes her head.

"Kisuke said that because the process has already been started, I have to get back with this as soon as possible or we might have to try again. Renji…think carefully about this. Try to look at it this way. You know he'd be too uncomfortable with this if he was fully coherent and that might make him too anxious. That could…get in the way. It's a medical procedure. What do the healers do when they have to perform uncomfortable medical procedures? They knock you out. That's really all we'd be doing, right? It's not like you're doing this with someone who wouldn't welcome it…it's just the…ah…circumstances. That is…unless you have a problem with it…"

"Oh…I left that kind of modesty behind a long time ago. But, Byakuya?"

"Hmm?" Byakuya mumbles softly.

Oh shit. He's awake? Did he hear? He's looking at me with large, half aware eyes and a confused expression. He's also getting kind of affectionate. He doesn't see Yoruichi behind him. She's trying really hard not to start giggling. She puts a finger to her lips and disappears from view. A second later, I realize that she locked the door when she came in. He's getting extremely affectionate and after two days of taking care of him like this, I am certainly not immune, but I do have to ask. Come on, it's only fair.

"Ah…Byakuya, didn't know you were awake. So you know?"

"Hmm?" he says again, nuzzling my throat.

"And you're okay with it?"

"Mhmm…"

"Are you sure you want to do this? I mean, you still can't use your left arm at all."

"Renji…"

"Huh?"

"I don't care."

About the arm or about the woman concealing herself in our room?

"Renji…"

He really is cute when he's delirious.

"You should go back to sleep," I tell him softly.

"No…I want…to be with you."

"There is no way I'm taking advantage of you when you can't use half your body. I'm not even sure it's possible."

Okay, it's kind of sneaky using reverse psychology to make myself feel better…but I don't want to make this decision. I'm lucky. He takes the decision out of my hands.

"I can. Just…you lead. I'll follow."

I think I know what he means. He's rolling onto his back and using the one arm that works to bring me with him. His face is still buried in my throat and shoulder…and what he's doing with his mouth is quickly making me forget that we're not alone.

All of a sudden, I start thinking about our future. We are married. We're starting a family together. Everything that a couple could possibly want is coming true for us. I've never really thought about it before, but I start thinking about what our kids will look like…what color hair, what color eyes, what their voices will sound like. Will we have a girl? A boy? What will their zanpakuto abilities be?

I start to go off on a really beautiful mental tangent while his hazy eyes gaze half-aware up into mine and I find myself losing touch with reality.

I can see this. I can see waking up in the morning to the pounding of feet in the hallways of the Kuchiki home, to excited yells and the crossing of wooden swords. I can imagine what he'll be like as a parent, too. Kind of like the way he is with me when he tells me about constellations, history, folklore. He gets this dreamy look on his face and when he tells stories, you feel like you're transported into them. He'll be protective, too, like he is with Rukia. I have a feeling, though, that he won't hold them back from whatever place they'll have in the 13 Court Guard Squads. They'll be nobles…expected, like him, to grow up strong, proud defenders of souls.

I wonder what I'll bring to them. They'll grow up in a different world than I did…but that is a good thing. They won't have to know what it's like to be alone, to be hungry and without food, to be cold and without shelter. But they will know that I grew up that way. Byakuya told me that he wants our children to know that everyone is deserving of respect, and that some people are just luckier in their circumstances than others.

I don't know. I think that, despite the way I grew up, I am the lucky one here. He had a lot of expectations placed on him, a lot of pressures. His association with the Kuchiki clan has caused him a lot of heartache. It isn't the same as what I dealt with, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he had it easier. Easier on a 'needs met' basis, perhaps, but when we met, he was an emotional train wreck. I'd like to see our kids avoid that. I know he wants that, too.

"Kami, I love you, Byakuya…"

He's too busy to hear. I love the way his face looks right now…like he's having a beautiful dream. I guess he is. I didn't know he could do this practically asleep like he is. I'm starting to feel guilty again.

"Renji…"

I'm brought back to reality and I realize he's looking at me strangely.

"What are you thinking about?" he asks.

A coherent question. I wonder what made him ask.

"The look on your face…" he whispers, "You just look…so…content."

It's what I was thinking. I guess I look good to him when I'm thinking about our future.

"I was thinking about what our kids will be like."

That earns a genuine smile.

"I've thought about that, too."

"Really?"

"Hmm…"

But it's really not the time for talk. Neither one of us is fully coherent now, but he does say one more thing that really reaches me.

"Renji…You'll be a good father."

Everything kind of goes hazy and out of focus after that. And all I can think about while we make love is how lucky I feel, how eternally grateful I am. I know he feels the same as I do. It's not always in the obvious things. But it's always there.

Afterwards, I lie next to him, watching until I'm sure he's asleep, then I start looking for Yoruichi. She reappears next to me and she's still blushing quite a bit.

"Do you have what you need now?" I ask.

Damn! I'm blushing again, too.

"Yes, thank you, Renji."

There is a long silence.

"Um…Renji, I just want to tell you something."

"Yeah?"

"You're really making Byakuya happy."

"Think so?" I ask, glancing back at him.

She grabs my face and brings my eyes back to her. She's dead serious. Huh…

"I was with him as a child…and we've been around each other quite often since Ichigo came along. I know him well enough to be sure. You are making him incredibly happy. And that's no small thing."

I can't look at her. I can't even tell what I feel right now. She doesn't say anything. She just waits while I ponder what she said. I look back at him again.

"He's making me happy too," I manage finally.

She gives me a hug.

"I have to go now. Kisuke said to hurry back. I will come back here again as soon as we learn more about these wolves."

She turns to go.

"Yoruichi?"

"Yes, Renji?"

"You do know not to…you know…say anything…to anyone…especially not him. He would chase me to the ends of the universe and bankai me to death if he knew…"

"Renji…I won't say anything. I promise."

She looks at me and starts to giggle, then she flash steps away. I turn back to Byakuya and settle close on the side that doesn't hurt. He snuggles closer and sighs.

Kami! He's going to kill me if he ever finds out.

But my heart tells me that being able to have a child with him is really so worth the risk of him killing me. Now, I just hope Kisuke's right and this works. I'd hate to have risked death for nothing!