A/N: Did anyone manage to get the laugh right? Martha will tell you how to pronounce it next chapter! This chapter is dedicated to Kerenza, our first proper fangirl!

WARNING! Involves Moriarty and the Doctor having a childish Mean Girls style bitch fight!

Doctor P.O.V:

A spotlight lit up at the far end of the so-called Chamber of Secrets, illuminating a slight, though I had to admit, elegant looking man in a light grey suit.

He waved lazily at Koschei, who was uncharacteristically trying to hide behind me. "Did you get my text?" The man sang. I could almost feel Koschei rolling his lovely new eyes. "It wasn't my phone. I don't even have a phone! It was just a prop. Now go home and stop stalking me!"

'Moriarty' pouted. "Then you leave me no choice, darling." He snapped his fingers, and to my horror, in rolled K ; and not too far behind him, the sound of thundering feet. Koschei gripped my shoulders in alarm. To my annoyance, I found that he was actually a good inch or so taller than me (for once!) and I wouldn't be calling him mini-Master again any time soon... (Damn, I did love that nickname... )

"Call them off, Andrew!" He yelled. Andrew/Moriarty giggled and pretended to inspect his nails. "Who's Andrew? Your pet?" Koschei buried his face in his palm. "I meant, you, Moriarty."

The guy (I was starting to hate him more and more, and hate is a big deal for me) looked like it was his birthday, and Koschei was the cake. "Are you begging, Sherley?"

He growled through gritted teeth, "For the last time, don't call me that. You may call me either Master, or..." He paused, and then a smile tugged at the corners of his lips. "My lord. Or my lord and Master, whichever you prefer."

Draco and Hermione exchanged a look. "Voldemort?!" She hissed. As the sound of footsteps got louder, I noticed the Leo guy was sealing up the door with some kind of gadget from his tool belt. He gave me a pointed look as he noticed my gaze, and he mouthed something that looked like 'moving in for the kill'. I turned so fast I almost got whiplash.

Moriarty was uncomfortably close to the Master, who looked like an extremely cheekboney deer caught in headlights. "I wouldn't expect anything else from my archenemy, now would I, Sherlock?" He was purring.

Just to break up the confrontation, I jumped between Koschei (relieved) and Moriarty (annoyed) and whined, "Hey, I thought I was your archenemy!" Moriarty looked scandalised. "Of course not." He hissed. "Sherley is MINE." Koschei turned even paler. "Excuse me?" I drew myself up to my full giraffey height, and glared daggers at him. "Ladies, please..." He said, nervously. I would get him for that later. In the mean time...

"Master! Aren't I your archenemy? I thought we were archenemies!" He looked even more uncomfortable. "Well, you are my... er... Arch Nemesis, because you are... Special. I think." I let out an embarrassingly effeminate squawk of triumph. "Take that, Moriarty! I'm his Arch Nemesis!" I blew a raspberry right in his face. He looked horrified. "But Sherlock!" He whined. "I'm more of an Arch Nemesis than he is! I bet he's never made you jump off a roof before!" Grudgingly, he nodded. "That's true..." Disgraceful. He should be sticking up for me. "Alright, you can both be my archenemies." In unison, as only very immature "adults" can, we both whinged, "But I want to be your ONLY Arch Nemesis!" We scowled at each other and cracked our knuckles. He looked between us, utterly lost for once in his life. So I took his distraction as an opportunity to bitch-slap Moriarty as hard as I could across the face. His face made a CRACK sound as my palm hit it, which caused Moriarty to scream,"AAAaaaaaaooooooooooowwww!" (Which probably wasn't spelt like that), bringing the Master's attention back to the present. "Doctor!" He gasped. "Yes?" I said smugly, examining my suddenly terribly fascinating nails. Moriarty rubbed his cheek in agony, mouth gaping open and closed like a fish.

Then...

"Um, sir?" I spun around to face a sheepish Leo. "A bit of help, please?" On either side of him were two girls with crazed grins plastered onto their manic faces, wands pointed at his head. Twins. One in blue pyjamas, the other in pink. Together, they chanted, "We want our Draco!"

I drew in my breath. "Everybody calm. No sudden movements." I waved my hand slowly in front of their eyes. No reaction. Draco inched slowly forward. Snap. They were now pointing their wands at Hermione. Draco swore so badly it had to be edited out by the author. "Draco!" Hermione yelped. He lunged towards the fangirl twins, "Stupefy!" Hermione yelled, just as he was shouting, "Rejuvenatum!"

Unfortunately, he slipped, and the last thing I remember was a jet of gold light hitting me in the chest, before I felt so, so sleepy and wondered why I was falling when I hit the ground and the world's light went out...

A.N. Okay, I was a bit mean to Moriarty in this chapter. I do love him really, I just felt it was necessary... Muahahahaha, or should I say, "Yahaiablhakuqak!"