People speak of love don't know what they're thinking of

Wait around for the one who fits just like a glove

Speak in terms of a life and the living

"In The Shape Of A Heart" Written and sung by Jackson Browne

Chapter Twenty Five

Matt paced restlessly between the kitchen and the sitting room while Kitty washed the dishes from supper. This was so unlike him that Kitty finally stopped to ask if he was planning to help her, hoping for an opportunity to encourage him to talk about whatever he'd spent the whole day not saying.

"Do you want me to help you?" Matt asked, looking at the dishes like they were the last thing he was interested in.

"I don't need any help, Matt, but you're kind of acting like you're looking for something to do."

"Oh, I was thinking I'd go see if Doc was home, maybe play a little checkers with him."

"You don't want to spend any more time with your wife?" she teased.

"It's not that, Kitty. But I hardly see Doc anymore. I thought maybe he might be getting a little lonely."

Kitty laughed. "Doc is welcome over here any time, Matt."

"Well, sure he is. I think maybe he just doesn't want to intrude since you convinced him to stop worrying over you so much."

"If you think I got him to stop worrying...well, all I did was get him to stop fussing about it. Go on over there, Matt. Just make sure he knows I'd love to see him over here anytime he wants. I kind of miss him, too."

"You sure you don't mind me leaving you alone tonight?" He stood behind her with his hands on her shoulders, remembering he'd promised "no more nights alone."

"I'll be fine. You won't be out too late, will you?"

"No, I'm just going to go and play a couple games of checkers with him. I'll be back in plenty of time to tuck you into bed."

They kissed goodbye and Kitty returned to the dishes. She hadn't really wanted Matt to go out; though she wouldn't admit it to anyone, now that Matt was around more she felt more anxious, maybe even a little scared, whenever he wasn't there, especially in the evenings. She'd sent him to Doc's anyway, not for Doc's sake but for his. He'd been jumpy for days, ever since he came back from the hunting trip with Chester and Joe, and wouldn't talk to her about whatever it was. Kitty suspected her big, tough ex-lawman of a husband was in need of some fatherly advice and she hoped he'd open up to Doc about whatever might be bothering him.

Doc jumped the last of Matt's pieces and cleared the board. "I don't know what you came up here for, but it wasn't to play checkers."

"Huh?" Matt was staring intently at the checkerboard as if still planning his next move.

"I've won every game since you got here and you've barely noticed. What's wrong? You in the doghouse already?"

"What are you talking about?"

"It's pretty obvious something's bothering you." Doc gathered up the board and pieces and put them away, then retrieved a bottle of whiskey and two glasses from the cabinet. He poured each of them a drink and sat down at his desk. "Well, then. Let's hear it."

"Well, it's sort of a, a professional question."

"You aren't thinking of putting that badge back on, are you?" Doc glared at him.

"Not my job, yours!"

"Go on."

"I've been thinkin', Doc. We've been worried about the baby all this time. I hadn't really thought about...well, if something happens, I'll get Kitty another baby somehow. As many as she wants. But I can't lose her."

Doc took a sip of his whiskey. "You're wondering if Kitty could die."

"Yeah, Doc. That's what I'm wondering."

He rubbed his hand across his mustache before answering. "You know I'll do everything I can to make sure that doesn't happen."

"That isn't much of an answer."

"I know it isn't, Matt. I wish I could guarantee you everything will be fine, but I can't. The risks are a lot higher for her than for most first time mothers, considering her age and everything she's been through. But, just because there's a lot that could go wrong, doesn't mean that it will. Now, Kitty knows what could happen and she's choosing to hope for the best, and I think you should do the same."

Matt looked down at his untouched drink and downed it on one swallow. Doc could have been talking about his entire life with Kitty. "I, uh, guess she's had a lot of practice at that, hasn't she? I can't help worrying about her, Doc. It's my job to keep her and the baby safe."

"I understand how you feel, Matt, but most of this is out of your hands. Best thing you can do for both of them is see that Kitty takes care of herself. And pray."

"Yeah. Let me ask you this, Doc. What happens if you're out on the prairie somewhere when the time comes? Kitty isn't your only patient, you know." The look on Matt's face told Doc he thought she should be.

"Newly's delivered babies. If they send your replacement by then, one of us will always be in town."

"Not good enough, Doc. I trust Newly, but I want Kitty to have a real doctor."

"I know, Matt. We're just going to have to trust that everything will work out all right."

Kitty had gone to bed by the time he got home, but was sitting up in bed reading. She looked up, smiling, when he entered the room.

"Did you and Doc get it all worked out?" She marked the place in her book and set it on the bedside table while he undressed down to his long underwear.

"Lady, you know me too well." Matt slid under the covers next to Kitty and reached past her to turn down the lamp.

"Want to tell me about it?" They snuggled together comfortably, his arms around her, hers resting on his shoulders.

"Kitty, aren't you afraid?"

"Yes, sometimes. Most of the time I'm not. Most of the time I know everything's going to be all right. I can feel it. And I'm never afraid when you're with me. Promise me I won't have to go through it alone."

"I promise."

"Matt, it's not like you to ask me a question like that. Are you afraid?"

"I'm afraid for you."

"Oh, Cowboy." Kitty pulled his head down to hers and kissed him. She could only imagine what it took to get Matt to admit that much. "Is there something you and Doc aren't telling me?"

"No, nothing like that! Well, in a way. Chester told me about his wife."

"He did?" She looked up at him, concern in her eyes. "She died, didn't she?" Matt nodded without saying anything.

"Oh, Matt, he must think I'm awful, bothering him about it like I did."

"No, he doesn't. He just didn't want to upset you. 'In your condition.'" Matt's imitation of Chester was almost perfect and Kitty had to keep herself from laughing.

"Did he say what happened?" She had a feeling she was about to be sorry for asking, but she needed to know.

Matt nodded and pulled her even closer, putting one hand on her stomach protectively.

"Oh...I see." She felt tears running down her cheeks. "The baby, too?"

"Yeah."

"And that's why you went to see Doc. Did it help?"

"Some. Kitty, I don't know what I'd do without….I hope I don't have to find out. I know you lived that way for twenty years and I'm sorry. I should have given you more than that. If you believe everything's going to be all right I'll just have to trust you." After a time, Matt realized she hadn't said anything and looked down at her.

"Kitty?" She lay still, cradled against his chest, eyes closed. "Good night, sweetheart." He kissed the top of her head gently and then fell asleep listening to the sound of her soft, even breathing.