While I have read fanfic throughout my years, starting with X-files of course, I have never published my own. I lost touch with the fanfic world over time, life just gets in the way, but I always loved the fantasic ideas people around the world could come up with. Recently, when my favorite show House started to implode one of the greatest love stories...our precious "Huddy" I got curious and internally started to create a story. I held out hopes that next season would be better, but alas my huddy heart was broken once again with the departure of Lisa Edelstein.

So now I'm moving onto the realm of fantasy, to create what the House creators never will have the chance to. I do still hold out hopes of a LisaE guest star towards the end of next season...fingers crossed, and I started to imagine how I would create that world on my own. Without changing anything that House has layed before us, I hope to carry on and give closure to all those huddies out there. Like I said this is my first fanfic so I hope I don't screw things up too badly. This is the first in many chapters to come, I hope...

Disclaimer: I own nothing :)

Prologue

Cuddy,

As you probably already know by now from the handwriting, this is not Wilson. I stole your address from him. After all he had you listed as Liz Kuttie so it did take a genius to crack that code. If you haven't already stopped reading by tearing this note to shreds, let me begin what I set out to articulate. I'm sorry isn't enough, even in my drug addled and jealous warped mind you know and I know what I did was, well I can't come up with a horrible enough word. You had every right to run as far away from me as you could.

Like you said before, you know I'm screwed up, and I will always be screwed up, but you took a leap anyway with me and I will always be grateful for the time we had together. You should have never taken that leap Cuddy, never given me a chance.

It is a blur to me now; what even happened. I saw you with him and an image of you holding his hand the way you did mine earlier that day crashed into me. Cuddy your touch burned in me as it always has and I just couldn't stop the pain from eating me alive. "I miss you," that's what I should have said in the hallway. I walked away from you and let go of your hand because that was the only way I could stop myself from kissing your perfect lips, from taking advantage of your guilt and compassion. I didn't want your compassion; I'm not capable of receiving it. I have never in my life displayed, given, said, or done anything that deserved compassion. You know this. I realize now that I should have kissed you, stopped the torment in my body and given into my instinct. I will never forget that mistake as long as I live, or every other mistake I have drudged upon you. However I know, and you know, that if I had kissed you then things would have been different that day. There are many things in my life that I choose to ignore, push away, and mask with sarcasm. I chose to do that to you forever the moment I crashed into home, to severe you from my life completely, then maybe the pain would stop. You could go on hating me and in that knowledge I could run away and know that our intertwined lives would be broken for good. The only thing is I can't push you away. You are in my every thought, my dreams, my moments of weakness…

So I came over to get you back. To, once again, flush the vicodin down the toilet and win your heart back. I had no idea what I would say or how I would convince you to give me a chance again, I just knew that you still loved me and that was all that I saw...until I saw him.

The hairbrush, there was a reason it wasn't in the box Cuddy, it was the last thing I had that smelled like you. I didn't want to give up that last piece. It was all consuming. Your smell is an addiction like so many countless others in my life. I knew it would be when you finally gave me a chance. I had studied that smell, mostly from afar, for over 20 years. That's how long you have affected me. From the moment of the party when we danced so close I couldn't see straight, you looked up at me with those piercing eyes that saw all of me, they always have, something changed in me. You were always someone to me and that will never change. You took a piece of me that night all those years ago, I never forgot it and although we both pushed it away for far too long, you can't deny its presence.

I'm not going to pretend that writing you this letter now isn't the same old selfish House trying to get an ounce of forgiveness from the most important woman in my life, I am selfish. I ran to Mexico I crashed into your house and I ran. I can't go back and fix all the mistakes I've made with you but I'm going to try to repair the damage. If I never see your face again then I will have to deal with that. This isn't a shot in the dark to wash away the pain I've cause you and Rachel, but a first of many. I will never stop trying to make you finally understand how important you have always been to me and will be for the rest of my pathetic life. I failed when I had you and I will not fail again. If you never read another letter I send again, I will leave you with this: you are the most incredible woman I have ever known, you are always going to be the most incredible woman I have ever known.

House