Sorry I left you with a cliffhanger! Here you go! Oh and I'm changing my rating to T…think it's a good idea for when our 'Huddy' is reunited…I promise it's coming soon! Working on the next chapter already, if it doesn't give me too many problems I should have it up in the next couple days.

Cuddy received House's third letter three weeks after his last. It had been pouring rain outside over the last week, forcing Cuddy and Rachel to be mostly trapped indoors. Spending lazy days baking cookies and watching old black and white movies, staying cozy wrapped in their pajamas all day.

Christmas was approaching and Rachel was getting antsy for Santa Claus to come of course, absolutely frantic that he couldn't find her all the way in France. Cuddy had thought a lot about them going home for the holidays, just for a week, but she finally decided against it…knowing she wasn't ready yet.

She had received his letter earlier in the day but held off opening it, spending the day painting pictures with Rachel to decorate her daughter's walls, something Rachel had specifically requested…but she knew she would have to read it eventually.

Waiting till Rachel was asleep that night, she went into her bedroom and finally took the chance to open House's letter. Cuddy sat down in her comfy chair and crisscrossed her legs, taking the letter out of the envelope and unfolding it in her lap, noticing it was wrinkled, thinking there was probably a story behind that.

It had been a couple weeks since Cuddy had sent House the picture she took of Rachel and her unicorn. She had snuck up on Rachel while she was having a secret conversation with her precious 'Housie' and managed to take a picture without her even knowing it. As soon as she saw the capture she knew House should have it. Writing on the back and sending it the next day, not allowing a chance to second guess herself…

She smoothed out the letter in front of her, switching on a single light, leaving the rest of the room in shadows. Taking in a huge breath of anticipation, she began to read…

Cuddy,

I'm writing this third letter while sitting alone in a place filled with memories of you. It's late, or early depending on which way you look at it. I don't know the exact time, the watch Kutner gave me stopped working the day I imploded your life, the day I last saw your face.

Like I said I'm alone, actually I'm currently sitting behind the desk in your office-and yes, I broke in-I haven't attempted to change all parts of my life just yet, much to Wilsons chagrin. Oh and while we're on the subject of my newly anointed boss, I think you ought to consider sending Wilson a pie or perhaps some naked photos, it seems he's upset at you over something…have no clue what it could possibly be.

Cuddy shook her head with a smile forming on her lips, knowing exactly what it could be. She did owe Wilson.

Anyway, back to my original point, why I'm here, sitting in a room shrouded with darkness, surrounded by wonderful and painful reminders of you. This room, your office, is where we spent so much of the last decade together…bickering, flirting, yelling, hurting, teasing, and (for far too brief a time) loving one another.

'We have always been better at fighting…then loving.'

I have to admit that I come here often at night now, a place to think, to reflect…to feel closest to you...

I come here because I miss you.

Cuddy felt the ache in her chest, her heart beating insanely fast. House's emotion soaked the page, she wanted so much to hear him speak these words in person.

At this moment I'm staring at your desk, an object in this room that holds special significance for us…or at least it does to me. Another tangible reminder of a missed opportunity, something we had to let slip by.

It was about ten years after that infamous party, too many years, but when I saw you again none of that mattered…

'Of course I remember this day. When you had my old desk sent back to me, I finally understood then that this day was special to you…just as it was to me.'

I was wandering around the lobby at Princeton General, having recently been fired…who knew MRI machines could explode like that…

Cuddy rolled her eyes…'I do, you've come pretty close to recreating that over the last dozen years.'

Anyway I was obviously on the hunt for a new job. I had an interview set up at Princeton General for the day I'm writing about. The next day, I had another interview…it was for our hospital. Obviously since Wilson and Stacy worked at Princeton Plainsboro I really didn't give a crap about this interview, I wanted the other job. I was contemplating ditching the meeting all together when I saw 'Lisa Cuddy' posted on the hospital directory. I remembered smiling to myself, knowing I was going to miss my interview for a good reason now. Without even thinking a minute longer I went in search of your office. It had been so ridiculously long since I last saw your face, a girl from my past who fascinated and scared the hell out of me…I still thought about you all the time.

'I thought about you too, but I also had heard the stories over the years about you, knowing you were a lunatic, albeit a damn sexy and incredibly talented one….'

I had also strangely still possessed your necklace, lifted from my pillow after you left all those years ago. It was an action very off place for me…

Cuddy placed her hand over her necklace resting against her chest. She hadn't taken it off since he had returned it to her.

…but time had passed, and you had slowly become that beautiful girl that I had missed my shot with years before…a very fond memory.

When I was two offices away I froze. I had been seeing Stacy for almost a year, I loved her. However I knew once I saw your name I needed to see you again, but I didn't have a clue what I would say to you…

When I finally got myself to approach your office I saw you though the glass, you were sitting on your desk…the desk that I'm writing from now. Your office was full of boxes thrown all about, I could tell you were leaving. You didn't notice me at first; sitting mostly with your back to me, your high heeled feet resting on the desk chair in front of you. I took you in, quietly sitting there, stealing myself a second to recover from the strong reaction I was immediately having to seeing you again. I walked in without a word, coming into your line of sight and sat beside you on the desk.

'You were there. Just sitting next to me, out of nowhere, a man that I had missed more than I even knew, I dreamt about you too…still do.'

When you finally sensed me there and our eyes locked…well it felt staggering to look into those amazing eyes again.

'I remember…'

You looked at me with wonderment and dare I say happiness at seeing me suddenly appear next to you.

I could tell you were also nervous right away, fidgeting with your necklace…the same way you had on our night together. You were just as astonishingly beautiful as I remembered you. Your hair was still long, curls falling around your face, just how I saw you in my dreams.

I made you just as nervous as what was going on inside of me, 'Good,' I thought at least we're on the same page. Just the fact that you fidgeted over me entering the room was incredibly sexy…I knew right then that you felt the same way I did. We had made an unforgettable impact on each other, something uncommon…

Cuddy recalled their conversation in the surgery viewing room years later, she had told him 'common was boring…and she had never been happier with anyone else.' It was a truth she fought against for too long.

You said 'Hi,' bewilderment written in your voice. I returned the gesture and explained why I was there, randomly appearing upon your office doorstep…a runaway from a misbegotten interview, a lucky man who had wandered down the right hospital wing.

You smiled at that, the slight unnerving tension from my sudden appearance forgotten. I asked where you were moving too, gesturing to the boxes, you replied that you were moving to Princeton Plainsboro, never mentioning that you were going to be the new Dean of Medicine. We continued on with our conversation, playing catch up with each other, filling in the gaps. Picking up right where we left off...our banter was always easy, like we had already been on a long journey together…old lovers reunited.

We worked hard to ignore the underlying sexual tension that engulfed us since the moment we said 'Hi…' a skill we used for too many years after this day…

I remember it took all of me not to kiss you from the moment I saw you.

'And I you…'

I knew I had to say something, and I could sense the same from you, both of us scared to say what we truly wanted to. I looked down at your hand resting on the desk, recalling how your hands felt in mine all those years ago. I mumbled something about the desk being nice, unique like you, putting my hand down on the surface between us, our fingers almost touching…

You said it was your old desk from med school, that it was being retired for a newer model, but that you couldn't bring yourself to clean it out yet, years worth of memories waiting to be looked through inside the drawers. I asked why you were sitting here staring at the walls when I walked in, seeming lost in thought, you replied that you were procrastinating, not quite ready to move on…that accepting change was hard for you.

Change always had an effect on Cuddy. She remembered being terrified to move onto her new job. A huge responsibility was waiting up ahead and she was unsure she could measure up.

I reached across the desk and covered your hand with mine…a complete impulse. When I discovered my action I retreated immediately mumbling sorry, but you cut me off, reaching over with your hand you mimicked my gesture moments before, covering my hand with yours. You looked unsure but you didn't take your hand away either.

You confessed first, you told me it was 'incredible to see me again.' An expression of honesty from you, giving me the courage to express to you I felt the exact same. I turned my hand nestled under yours till my palm was face up, touching your fingertips with my own. Wanting nothing more than to bring your hand up to my lips…

'It was an amazing moment between us. You made me feel so alive, just that simple touch took my breath away.'

Your phone rang then, our hands separated, breaking us free of that moment of quiet sincerity, genuineness we became less and less capable of conveying to each other over the years to come.

When we let our friendship and working relationship be our guiding factors, and not our hearts and desires.

'I know…'

When you answered the phone I continued to stare at you, I couldn't help it. It was a surreal wonderful happenstance to be sitting across from you, and I also remembered you stared right back…

'Yes I did…how could I not. I remember I couldn't even think straight while I was on the phone, the energy between us was overwhelming…always has been. We both just got really good at brushing it aside.'

It was only when you hung up did I realize you had been talking to a significant other, a boyfriend, I could tell by what you had briefly communicated to him. Then it finally factored into my brain that I myself was with someone…Stacy.

Our timing was destined to be off once again. I felt sick at the thought of you being in love with someone else, even though I myself was in love with someone else as well.

We confirmed our relationships with this with each other, both stating that we were spoken for…it was a hard revelation, harder than it should have been for two almost strangers that had one unforgettable night together.

'I felt the same.'

I remember looking at you then, you were biting your bottom lip. It was all I could take. I knew I needed to leave. I wanted the job at Princeton Plainsboro, and since you had already mentioned that you were headed there, I knew we couldn't go any further, it couldn't work between us…

'That became abundantly clear when we met again that very next day… another ironic twist of fate in our history together…'

I got up from my place next to you upon your desk, knowing I should leave before…I couldn't. I know now that you mistook my abruptness that day, how I quickly said 'that I should be going…' leaving with one last look. You thought it was because I ultimately wasn't interested in you, but I have told you since, that was a mistake.

I have loved you a long time.

The thing is Cuddy… I know you have loved me just as long…

'Yes I have…since the minute I met you.' Cuddy closed her eyes and fought the tears that were threatening to form once again. She had loved this man for so long she didn't remember what it felt like to not love him…but he was not an easy man to love. A trait Cuddy was starting to understand lay inside herself as well…she had impossible standards.

Look…I don't know if I can I properly express in the written word everything that is meant and needed to be articulated?

How can these small tokens, these letters, accomplish what I have failed to do my whole life? I guess I'm just trying to remind you of the times when I was a man you loved, someone I know you needed much more than I ever gave you…another regret. Please know I'm working on bringing him back for good…

So finally I will leave you with a proposition. I was thinking of calling you. In a couple weeks on December 24th at 9pm your time, I will dial your number. I just need to hear your voice again…maybe this is too much to ask, but at least this way you can chose what you want for yourself. You don't have to answer…and if I don't get a chance to speak to you then…well…

I wish you a Merry Christmas Cuddy.

House

Cuddy sat in silence, comprehending that this proposed phone call was just a day away. Her hands shook as she folded the letter back up, placing it on the table beside her. She knew immediately she would answer, she wanted so desperately to hear his voice too, but that powerful urge to hear from him again frightened her. Their relationship felt like it was on an endless crazy loop, something she thought three months ago she needed to severe for good. Their journey was never easy, always convoluted and filled with turmoil…something to be expected when you were in love with a man like House.

Cuddy leaned her head back and recalled him entering her new office that next day, so many years before, completely caught by surprise once again that House was standing in front of her. His name was mistakenly left off her new schedule that was thrust upon her first thing that morning, she was just settling in when he arrived for his interview. She remembered he looked as surprised as she was, originally setting up the meeting with the former Dean of Medicine he was unaware that she was now in charge of Princeton Plainsboro. She had been offered the job of Dean of Medicine the week prior, completely unaware how drastically her life would be impacted by it.

After the day before, when he had left her office so quickly, she told herself it was for the best. They were both involved with other people, it wasn't right. Seeing him standing in front of her in her office only confirmed that they weren't meant to be. She managed to find his file amongst the unorganized clutter before her and had him sit down. Determined to go forward with the interview professionally…although she knew then the insanity she would be dealing with, that much was clear from his work history, she hired him anyway. It was only later that she allowed herself to finally recognize she hired him because, she loved him.

Cuddy got up from her chair and went to wash her face. She needed sleep, knowing in the morning she would have to decide whether or not to answer his call…if she would listen to her heart, or her fear.

"House…" he stirred slightly, feeling the bed beneath his body, unsure where he was. House could hear a familiar voice, trying to bring him back from the darkness he was trapped in.

"House can you hear me." He knew it was Thirteen sitting beside him, slowly noticing the soft beeping sounds emanating around him…he was in a hospital bed. Opening his eyes he saw her perched in a chair, a look of concern clouding her features. He shifted in bed, almost pulling his I.V out in the process.

Thirteen put a hand on his wrist to still his movements and reached for some water to give him. "House stay still, you're going to rip your line out of your hand." Thirteen sat back down in her chair once she knew House was relaxing a bit.

"Well…" House stopped, clearing the croak in his dry throat, "…the fact that you're sitting vigil at my bedside with that look on your face…doesn't bode well for me."

"Wilson asked me to be here in case you woke up, he got called away…" House saw Thirteen look down at her hands as she spoke, knowing she was trying to avoid further discussing her presence in his room.

"I had a seizure."

"Yes…Chase found you on the floor in your office yesterday morning…you've been under sedation since then to give your body time to rest."

"Well great, I've been meaning to catch up on my beauty sleep." House said with weak sarcasm. Trying to wrap his head around what had happened to him, and why…but he already knew why.

Thirteen looked weary, like she had been sitting with him all night. "It's okay…" House spoke gently looking into her eyes. "I know my diagnosis…why I had the seizure."

Thirteen straightened up in her chair. "You do?"

"I'm assuming you ran scans while I was under, brain scans…I have a tumor." House said this without question, getting directly to the point like he always did. There was silence in the room as they looked at each other, sharing expressions of sadness. Only the constant dull beeping sound from his heart monitor was cutting the tension filling the space between them.

Thirteen wasn't surprised by House's confession, "Yes." She confirmed his statement knowing that he needed her to be a messenger of the truth, not a consoling friend. "We found a mass in the frontal lobe, in the right hemisphere of your brain" She paused, not wanting to be the one to tell him this, Wilson should be the one, but House needed to know now…"It's relatively small still, but from the imaging we took we estimate that you've had it for awhile, and it's growing, the seizure you experienced yesterday obviously indicates that."

"Where are my scans? I want to see for myself." House started to remove the blankets that were wrapped around his legs. He was growing sick at being in a hospital bed, despising feeling like a patient in his own hospital.

"House stop, you can't get up yet. I will bring your scans too you, but you have to stay here." Thirteen managed to pull the covers back over his legs, placing a hand on his shoulder to push him back to the mattress. As soon as House moved he felt the rush of dizziness hit him anyway, realizing he was no match for her and gave into her request.

"I have your scans House, you don't have to arm wrestle Thirteen." Wilson spoke softly from the doorway to House's room, where he had been listening quietly as House asked for the evidence. He entered the room and handed them over to House, helplessly handing his friend over the dire proof of his failing health.

House took the images from Wilson's outstretched hand; he pulled them out of the envelope and held them up to the light.

There it was, a small dark spot nestled in his brain, resting in a spot that would eventually destroy his mind, would inevitably kill him. House put the images down upon his lap, knowing what came next. The tumor was located in a part of his brain that controlled everything. He knew that removing it would come with a huge price…he could lose function, destroy his intellect…the only thing he had left to hold onto.

"I assume the biopsy is already scheduled." House stated, already knowing the answer.

"I have you down for later today. Chase is going to perform it, get a piece of it to check for malignancy, but judging from the shape and density I think its benign House. Although I'm sure you already gathered that yourself."

House nodded, staring off out the window, not wanting to see their concerned faces any longer, it was too much for him to deal with. He always hated sympathy. Thirteen sensed House's growing weariness and knew it was time for her to go. "I will see you after the biopsy." She said as she gently touched House's arm with her hand, then she turned and left the room, leaving Wilson and House to talk privately.

"You can leave too Wilson, I don't need a babysitter. I'm not going to make another run for the border." House said while still staring absently out the window, watching the snow softly hit the ground outside, hoping that Wilson would take the hint and leave him alone in his reflective misery.

"House, talk to me. I know you're scared but this is probably nothing, and if we remove the growth now you might have a chance at a full recov-"

"I'm not an idiot!" House shouted at his friend, finally looking over to stare at Wilson. "I know the risks of removing a mass like this. I will more than likely have permanent damage…lose my medical license."

Wilson sat down in the chair by House's bedside, not planning on going anywhere despite House's protests. "I know the risks, but we caught it early. Plus you don't have a choice here. If you don't remove the mass it will kill you. You already had a seizure, who knows when the next one will hit."

"And I can get hit by a car tomorrow walking out of this hospital…everyone dies."

"Look, let's just wait and rule out cancer first, I will perform the test myself after Chase gets a piece of it. Then we can figure out what to do next."

"Yeah…" House replied quietly, lost deep in thought.

"You want something to eat? I think I can bribe the kitchen to make you something half-way edible." Wilson said trying to ease the tension by changing tactics.

House sighed, rubbing his face with his hand not attached to an IV. "Fine, but only if that new hot nurse brings it to me. I'm thinking today's the day she will let me cop a feel, now that I might die." House said, trying to give Wilson what he wanted, playing along with the conversation like he usually would.

Wilson smiled and got up to get House his request, "Oh…I mailed the letter to Cuddy I found on your office floor, sent it this morning, figured that you would want that." House nodded in agreement.

Wilson stopped at the open door, "I didn't call her to tell her what happened…but she would want to know House, this is too big—"

"She doesn't need to know…not yet." House spoke, looking at Wilson in the doorway. "I want her back. You know this…but I don't want her to feel like she has to come back to me, I want her to want it for herself, not because of this…" House looked down at the images still sitting on his lap.

"Okay…" Wilson replied with a sigh, "but if this turns out to be more serious, I would hope that you would be honest with her. If something were to happen…you can't do that to her House." Wilson left without waiting for a response, leaving House alone.

He waited till the door was closed, angrily throwing the scans off his lap onto the floor below. House rested his head back against the pillows behind him…exhaustion and pain weighing him down as he closed his eyes against it, wanting nothing more than to have her here with him, holding his hand.