Took longer than I wanted but I hope you will enjoy the end result, my favorite chapter so far! Let me know what you think...

"Morning..." House's voice whispered in her ear, as he reached towards her. She could feel his fingers delicately move a strand of hair away from her face. Then he kissed her on the cheek, brushing his stubble purposely against her, causing her to turn over and open her eyes to the man who was so intent on waking her.

"Is it even morning?" Cuddy groggily mumbled through half lidded eyes. "I didn't hear the alarm...House, it's still dark outside." Cuddy sat up in bed looking out her bedroom window, noticing that dawn hadn't approached yet. She looked over at her lover then, his eyes were dancing in the dim bedroom. She knew exactly why she was aroused from her slumber...someone else was aroused next to her. She had the urge to punch him for disturbing her sleep prematurely, but she also secretly loved how much House wanted her, it was exhilarating...

"Don't worry, I didn't wake you up for completely selfish reasons." House said as he leaned in to kiss her softly on the lips, shutting her up from further protest. He shifted so he was on top of her, slowly kissing her neck, making his way down her body with his mouth, disappearing under the covers. Cuddy giggled as he kissed her bellybutton, an extremely ticklish spot that he was well aware of. He knew every inch of her body so distinctly, everything she craved...

It felt like House was everywhere, surrounding her senses, caressing her so amazingly perfectly. She could never think straight when he touched her like that...but something was off, something was wrong with this picture, but she couldn't decipher her worries.

Suddenly it hit her...

This wasn't real. It couldn't be. They had been apart for months. He had broken her heart…and she had broken his…none of this was true.

"House, wait." Cuddy spoke in the dark, searching for him under the covers with her hands to pull him back to her face.

House shifted himself up to her eye level, carrying a look of sadness on his face, sighing at his partner's reticence. "What? Did you want me to go first, cause I'm more than happy to accommodate that."

"This isn't real…you're not really here." Cuddy spoke her fears out loud, mainly to remind herself what she knew to be true.

House looked so exceptionally deep into her in the eyes in that moment, grabbing her hand and lacing his fingers with hers in the darkness of the bedroom. "I know this isn't real, but I'm here...I'm trying, but now you won't even allow yourself to love me in your dreams." House dejectedly let go of her hand and got out of bed. Cuddy could make out that he was getting dressed, leaving her.

"Wait...please, don't go." Cuddy frantically got out of bed and crossed over to him, terrified that he would actually leave. He was absolutely right. She couldn't even open herself up to him in her dreams anymore. She was now pushing away the only connection to him that she had left.

"I have to Cuddy. You don't want me here, you never did, even when we were together." He put on his shoes and looked around in the shadow of the bedroom for his cane.

"That's not true, I tried when we were together, but it was always so hard." She reached out her hands to him, wanting so very much to embrace him again.

"So you gave up on me."House turned around, moving aside, making it so her outstretched arms were out of reach to him.

She dropped them back down to her side and softly pleaded, "I didn't mean too...I wanted to be with you-"

"No, you never did..." House interrupted her, giving her a look filled with such incredible anguish before he walked out her door, never glancing back.

Cuddy was frantic. She didn't want him to leave her... "House!"

She woke with a start, the dream taking a toll on her sleep and her fragile heart. Once she wiped the tears streaming down her face she threw off the covers in frustration, her heart still beating fast from her dream. It was only five in the morning, but Cuddy didn't want to attempt to fall back to sleep, scared that she would wind up feeling the utter despair from her dream…her nightmare…all over again.

Managing to do her morning yoga and shower before Rachel even stirred from her slumber, Cuddy found herself vacantly sitting back down on her bed not knowing what to do next. Trying as hard as she could to focus on the fact that today was Christmas Eve, a joyous occasion, and not dwell on the fact that at 9pm she had to make a difficult choice…whether or not to answer a call from a man that continued to haunt her every thought.

Cuddy heard Rachel wander out to the family room and switch on the television, a habit of hers that she had told her repeatedly to stop. She hated how much of a television junky her daughter had turned into, but being that it was Christmas Eve Cuddy decided to lay off the scolding for the day and join her daughter on the couch instead. Hoping for any distraction that might momentarily ease her mind.

"Hey sweetie." Cuddy smiled as she sat down next to her extremely focused daughter.

"Look Mommy, is Rudoss! Him's nose is helping Santa bring the presents." Rachel pointed with a grin to the Christmas cartoon that was entirely spoken in French, her other arm was wrapped securely around her unicorn, like it had been for almost two months. That unicorn was starting to smell too, but Cuddy couldn't get Rachel to leave it alone long enough to wash it, crying that she needed her 'Housie,' and that he was clean enough for her.

"Well I think Santa is going to need Rudolph's help to get here too, we sure are having a lot of rain, but I know for a fact that you've been a good girl this year, so I'm sure Santa will drop off something extra special." Cuddy replied, she had been reassuring Rachel all week that Santa would be able to find them, it was a deep concern for Rachel.

Rachel looked over at her mom and beamed, "Maybe Rudoss will stay and be my friend too… maybe I can stay awake to ask him."

"Well I think Santa would be sad if Rudolph stayed away from his home...besides, you know Santa only comes to houses with sleeping children, so you need to go to sleep tonight so he is able to leave you a present."

Rachel conceded and looked back to her foreign cartoon. Cuddy got up from the sofa and went to make breakfast, making sure to make a strong cup of coffee for herself, the lack of peaceful slumber taking a toll very early on in the day.

Over the next few hours Cuddy kept herself busy with things around the house. Frustrated that the stormy weather was keeping them both locked inside. Rachel insisted on skipping any sort of nap that day, too excited for a 'stinky nap,' as she so lovingly referred to it. It was fine with Cuddy because at least she had another person to talk too. However at around seven that night Rachel had worn herself out so completely that she had transformed into a snoring child sprawled out on the family room floor. A picture Cuddy made sure to capture before she picked her increasingly heavy daughter off the rug and put her in bed for the night. When she turned off Rachel's light and shut her door, she sat still in the darkness of the hallway and listened to the storm raging war against the sides of the house, the thunder clouds rolling in, she hated being alone in this weather.

She went into her bedroom and switched on a light, putting her anxiety aside and making sure to retrieve Rachel's gifts hidden in her closet before she got any further distracted. She glanced over at her end table where her phone sat by her bedside, noticing that the clock beside it read 7:26. Still some time before she had to make a choice. She grabbed her daughter's presents and went out to the living room to arrange them underneath the little tree that Rachel had insisted on decorating completely with cranberries and candy canes. Then she aimlessly made her way into the kitchen, not entirely sure of what to do from there except eat...knowing she didn't have a chance at being able to stomach anything.

She felt so alone. It was an intensely powerful feeling that hit her like a ton of bricks, she tried so hard to fight through the ache she felt weighing in her chest. Pacing around the kitchen struggling against her own thoughts, two opposite sides of her brain declaring war much like the storm thrashing outside. She hated herself for feeling so weak, she had always been stronger than this, able to push aside most anything with enough will power.

Cuddy heard the soft ring before she even registered what it was. Her phone was mutely sounding from her bedroom, she could barely make it out, but once she got halfway down her hall she knew without a doubt. Crossing over to her beside she saw the clock reporting the time to be only 7:56. Cuddy sat down on her bed in her confusion, staring at the phone. She knew she only had about two more rings before the call could no longer be answered…if this was House…she took a deep breath and picked up the receiver.

"Hello?" Cuddy answered with a shy question, biting her bottom lip in anticipation of what voice would answer her back.

"Hey." House spoke to her then, his voice was tentative. He was absolutely petrified she would hang up on him once she recognized who her early caller was.

Cuddy felt her eyes well up as soon as she heard his voice, just one word from him made her head buzz. 'He actually still had the power to give me butterflies,' she thought…'and still has the power to shatter me into pieces, like he did not so long ago…' she had to remember that too. "It's not 9 yet."

"It isn't?" House cautiously teased, attempting to break the ice the only way he knew how. He shifted in his bed, laying his head back against his pillows in order to control the shaking feeling in his body.

"No." Cuddy responded softly. She could already sense herself relaxing just hearing him speak, she ached for him, but she needed to remain cautious. House had an amazing ability of blindsiding her…she had to be careful.

"Well," House cleared his throat, "I assumed you were probably pacing the floor trying to decide whether or not to answer, so I figured I would save you an hour of stressful thinking."

Cuddy rolled her eyes, he was so arrogant, a trait that was annoying, but one of the many reasons she loved him.

House smiled, "—and I will take it from that sigh I just heard, I'm correct about the pacing…"

"-and I will take it that you think being a know-it-all is the best way to start this conversation." Cuddy replied slightly sarcastically, a faint smile crossing over her lips as well.

"We're talking, and you haven't hung up on me yet, so that's a good start in my opinion…unless you are planning on hanging up." House knew she wouldn't hang up, he relaxed a bit at the thought, relishing in her painfully alluring husky voice on the other end. It had been too many months without her.

"I'm not sure yet." Cuddy shifted positions as she spoke, leaning her back against the headboard of her bed. She knew she wasn't going to hang up.

"Fair enough." They both were silent then, unsure of how to proceed. House could hear what he thought was thunder in the background but nothing more. "Rachel asleep, I don't hear her…"

"Yeah, she passed out in a sugar coma about an hour ago. Taste testing cookies for Santa was tough on her."

"You let her have sugar? Wow, you're different in France." House joked with her. Loving that they were both at ease, it made him feel more alive than he had in months.

"I guess I am." Cuddy reported back, it was the honest truth, she did feel more relaxed in France; away from working her life away. The only thing troubling her…was thinking about him. The man on the other end of the phone who also sounded changed somehow, "You sound good House."

"I guess I am." He spoke her words back at her the way she had moments before, the only reason he sounded good was because he was talking to her…House heard a crashing sound through the phone, and Cuddy quietly gasp, he knew she was scared. "Was that thunder?"

Cuddy caught her breath and looked out the window into the blackness. "Yes. It started about an hour ago. It sounds like it's on top of us right now."

"Are you okay?"

House's concern was comforting, easing her fear from far away. "I'm fine." She looked away from the storm, working to keep her anxiety at bay.

"I know you hate being alone during thunderstorms." He said quietly, wanting nothing more than to be holding her close.

He truly did know everything about her, Cuddy smiled. It was a bit overwhelming at times, but no other man would ever come close to memorize her the way House had, "It helps that I can hear your voice right now…I guess that answers your question whether or not I will hang up on you."

House nodded with a smile, he had smiled more in the last five minutes than he had in months, "So…how are you? I mean, besides the storm…"

Cuddy took a moment, she didn't know quite how to respond, "I love it here…" she hesitated, she just wanted to tell him the truth, no more games, "…but I'm tired, I haven't been sleeping much lately."

"Ah, we have that in common." He dreamt of her almost every night, but recently they had become nightmares, he kept losing her over and over again.

"How are you doing?" Cuddy returned his question.

"Well my new boss is a real bitch, but other than that I'm doing okay." House heard the crashing sound again, even louder than the last, "I heard that. Are you sure you like it in France?"

Cuddy pulled the blankets up around her, hiding her eyes from the window. "Currently not so much…but this storm will pass eventually."

"No worries, its probably just Santa's rotund ass walking on your roof." He could hear Cuddy laugh in response, the simple sound from her so far away was incredible, "I miss your laugh…"

Cuddy didn't know what to say to that, she missed him too, but she was scared to admit it, "House…" She stopped herself, why couldn't she just tell him…she took a deep breath "I miss-"

The single light from the bathroom went out at the same time the phone line went dead. The storm had dealt its final blow, knocking out the power, leaving Cuddy in complete blackness. She threw the phone down after checking that his voice was truly gone, getting out of bed, making her way through the dark to retrieve the candles from the dresser.

A soft glow slowly started to form around her as she placed the candles throughout her bedroom, trying to fight against the pure terror she felt because of the storm, and the despair engulfing her from the absence of his voice, wanting nothing more that to have him by her side.

She immediately went to her suitcase in the corner of her room and unzipped the inside pocket. Removing from a pillowcase the one thing she brought with her that still held a part of House. His shirt was all wrinkled, but she didn't care as long as it smelled like him. She stood in the middle of her candle lit room and took off her shirt, letting it fall to the floor as she pulled House's shirt over her bare skin, buttoning it in place. Then she pulled the collar up to her nose, trying to capture any kind of scent that might be left on his shirt…

And just like that, he was there.

It was very faint, so much time had passed since it was against his skin…but she could sense him all over. Cuddy took another breath in, calming her rattled nerves to the best of her fragile abilities and went to the desk, taking a candle with her so she could see. Opening up the drawer she removed some paper and a pen, placing the candle beside her she sat down and tucked her hair behind her ears. It was finally time for her to write House a letter…

House stirred in his sleep, his head felt like it was going to explode off his neck. As soon as he opened his eyes he saw him standing in the doorway. Wilson's haunting face stared back at him. House could tell his friend had been crying…Amber was dead.

House was quiet, no words would come…no words would change a damn thing. Wilson turned away just as quickly as he had appeared, leaving House alone.

He turned his head as he felt her presence beside him, slowly getting a hold of his senses, putting the puzzle pieces back together again. Cuddy was there, sitting curled up asleep in a chair. Her heels were lying on the ground underneath her, and a strand of her hair was lying across her face, she looked stunning, even in sleep. He wanted to touch her, move the hair falling over her eye, caress her skin. She could make him feel better, take his pain away. House had hurt his friend beyond anything he ever imagined he could do…and he was going to lose Wilson forever…

He heard her voice whisper something before he witnessed her tuck the fallen strand of hair behind her ear as she opened her eyes to him.

"Hey" she said with a half-smile, shifting herself to sit upright in the chair.

"Hey back."He spoke, his voice scratchy.

Cuddy took notice right away and reached for a glass of water to help him, "How's your head?"She asked quietly.

House could tell she'd been crying too, just like Wilson. She handed him his cup and lingered by his bedside, House could smell her perfume surround him. "Still attached…which is blatantly apparent at the moment."

"I'm sorry…" Cuddy frowned, her eyes looked incredibly sad.

He hated it. No sympathy was going to fix what had already happened, Amber was dead, and he could never change that. "I'll live." House replied with more vehemence than he had intended too, causing Cuddy to take a step back.

He could see this affected her, upset her. "Is that not something you wanted?" She implored.

House looked away from her eyes, he couldn't handle this, "It should have been me, not Amber."

"Is that what you think? It shouldn't have been anyone House, not Amber and Not You." He saw a single tear fall softly down her cheek, she tried to brush it away quickly, but it was too late. House could feel his heart beat quicken, he couldn't handle seeing her like this.

"Please…don't cry over me-" He saw another tear silently fall before she turned away to compose herself, reaching down to put her high-heels back on her bare feet, hiding her face from his. He wanted to comfort her…but he didn't know how, "-I don't deserve your tears Cuddy."

House was starting to realize that she was finally letting her guard down with him. They had been flirting more and more over the last year, spending extra time together, he knew she felt the tension between them building as well. He was constantly turned on around her now, something he was able to keep control of for years…but not anymore. She had slipped past the iron wall around his heart, and it terrified House, he wasn't ready for her yet, he would mess everything up. House knew he didn't deserve her, no matter how much he may need her in his life.

"I'm fine, it's just been a long couple days."She said with a terse smile, her tears had vanished. Then she looked down, he could tell she was deciding something…he felt it then, her hand covering his own, her gaze looking at their combined hands on the bed as she finally spoke, "That's a lie. I'm crying because I almost lost you."

"Your star doctor?" House replied. Just the simple touch of her hand was enough to make his head spin. Then she looked back into his eyes, House thought she never looked so beautiful.

"No, you." She didn't break her eye contact…and neither did he, it was the most honest moment they had shared together in years. He wanted to kiss her. He felt his hand reach up and touch her cheek before he even realized what he was doing, he saw her bite her bottom lip, he was making her nervous…he mimicked what he wanted so desperately to do with his lips and ran his finger over her bottom lip before he forced himself to break contact.

"We can't" He said in, breaking the quiet between them. This couldn't happen, especially now, how could House be with the women he loves if Wilson couldn't…

"I know, especially now…with Wilson..."Cuddy spoke out loud what House was thinking, "I should go." She spoke looking into his eyes, but she made no move to leave, House could see her hesitate, like she was deciding something, before she moved her head towards him, her lips pressed delicately against his, her hand still covering his hand on the bed. It was only a moment before she pulled away to leave, but House stopped her, grabbing her hand she was about to remove from his own.

"Wait."

"House…you're right, now's not the time."

"I know…just stay here tonight." House needed her there…even if he couldn't have her completely. "That way I can at least say I slept with you." He smiled, teasing her like he always would.

"Okay."She returned his smile and sat back down in the chair, leaving her hand resting on top off his. They looked into each other's eyes while they rested in silence. Finally after a while Cuddy closed her eyes to his and leaned her head to the side of the chair, and House spent the rest of the night watching her sleep…

These were the memories House re-lived when he went under for his biopsy, on the same night he found out about his brain tumor.

Chase had performed the biopsy, and House remembered cracking a joke about Thirteen's breasts in his face being nice to fall asleep too, as she leaned over him to check the harness supporting his head. His eyes forced themselves closed as the sedation ran through his veins, feeling like he was thrown back in time to the night Amber died years before, as if he was there all over again, touching her lips with his fingertips.

The next thing he knew he was cracking his eyes open, looking over to the same chair he had flashed on during his surgery, but found Wilson looking back at him instead of her.

"Hey." Wilson said from his chair

"You look tired. Have a hot date last night?" House managed to mumble. He could tell right away that the results weren't good, the fear started to choke him. "Just tell me." House added, his tone was like ice.

Wilson knew he had no choice but to just speak, "The tests concluded…it's an atypical meningioma. There were some pre-cancerous cells, but we caught it early, and with surgery and radiation therapy—"

House cut him off, not needing a textbook reading, "I am a doctor Wilson, you can stop. "

"We can set you up for removal as soon as possible."

"I want to do Radio surgery, I don't want an open dissection."

"House, no. We need to open you back up to see if we even can take out the whole tumor. The chances of Radio surgery resulting in a complete removal are slim, you know this."

"Wilson, we both know the chances of a reoccurrence with a tumor like this."

"Yes but they don't all turn out that way, this could be it. You have to give yourself the best chance."

"I'm not doing the surgery!" House didn't want to hear about giving himself the best chance, "I can't risk losing the one thing I have left. I know where the tumor is located, the outcome will most likely be loss of function."

Wilson leaned forward in his chair, "You don't know that. It could be—"

House coldly interrupted, "You're not going to change my mind-" He looked away from Wilson then, he needed some time to process, "-and if you don't mind I want some time alone."

Wilson could hear the sadness in his voice, knowing he needed to give him what he wanted. He slowly got up from his chair and headed for the door, "Okay. I will go schedule it." He turned to face his friend once more and quietly spoke, "You're going to be okay House."

House got his wish then, he was all alone…

It had been almost a month since the day of his biopsy. The day House found out what type of tumor was invading his mind, poised to kill him.

The Radio surgery House had opted for removal went smoothly, and House had begun radiation treatments since. Christmas had passed and House had managed to get up enough courage to dial her phone number on Christmas Eve, liked he promised her he would…

…and she had answered. Just hearing her voice made him ache through his whole body, but it was worth it just to talk with her, if only for a few minutes. He wanted so desperately to tell her what he was going through, but he refrained. It didn't matter anyway because their phone call was cut short, interrupted by the storm he could hear raging war against her home on the other end of the phone. He tried desperately to call her back over the next hours, but to no avail… and then he had to force himself to stop.

The radiation therapy was well underway, causing House to feel incredibly tired at all times. He still went to work, but he mostly stayed in his office, never making any contact with his current cases, just the energy to walk the halls was more exerting then he could admit to anyone. Wilson tried to convince House to take some time off, but House had refused. Telling Wilson that he was fine, when in truth, he just needed a distraction from sitting in his apartment and thinking about Cuddy.

House hadn't written her a letter since the phone call with her. He had become wrapped up in his recovery, and ravaged with exhaustion because of it. He knew if he were to write her now it would come out jumbled, and he might confess that he was sick, that he needed her…something he was trying his best not to do.

"We got the test results back." Foreman came into House's office then, interrupting House as he was slipping slowly into sleep resting his head upon his desk. "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

House was getting sick of his team treating him like a cancer patient…which was exactly the case, but he hated it. "Stop apologizing, and tell me what you found." House said as he lifted his head from the desk, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"We found a mass in her kidney, you were right, she has cancer. Wilson is in with her now…"

"Great, must be cancer month. " House sarcastically spit out. He was growing tired of the word. He shifted in his chair and looked down at the mail sitting on his desk, noting it must have been dropped off while he was sleeping. A small package was sitting on top of the pile, it was from Cuddy. House thought it might be a trick of the mind, but when he reached for it, it was really there.

Foreman noticed the return address. "Is that actually from Cuddy?"

"No it's from her mother, decided to move on, older ladies get me hot."

"You could have just said, it's none of my business. " Foreman said with a smile as he dropped the file on House's desk and left the room.

House turned the package in his hands, instantly picturing her face, before he started to remove the tape…

He saw what he thought was his shirt sticking out of the end of the package. As soon as he pulled it out he knew he was accurate, and as soon as he had it in his hands…he smelled her. Her scent was all over his shirt, it was unmistakable. He pulled it closer to his face, rubbing the fabric against his nose; it was like an immediate drug to him.

He looked inside the package to find a letter as well, so he set the shirt upon his desk and reached for the letter, it would be the first one she had written back to him…he took a deep breath and opened it…

House,

I'm sitting here by candlelight as I write this letter to you…

Ten minutes ago I was listening to the sound of your voice on the other end of my phone. You sounded so unbelievably close to me, calming me. It was like I could reach out and touch you, even though I understood we are thousands of miles apart.

House could still hear her voice that night too, replaying it in his dreams over the last few weeks.

I chose that…

'I helped.'

To put myself as far away from you as possible, in hopes to escape from 'us' forever.

You scare me House. I think you already understand that...

I pushed you away for years, hiding behind our off timing like a shield to protect my heart, because giving in to my love for you terrified me. I knew that it would always be an impossible endeavor to pursue anything real with a man who would ultimately be incapable of truly loving me back; a man who couldn't even love himself.

In the beginning I was able to keep my heart at bay because of work, I was your boss, and I knew that had to come first no matter what. I accepted this as what it had to be, pushing my feelings deep down and becoming your friend instead, ignoring the love I had for that arrogant cynical man I had fallen head over heels for from the moment I met him…

After your leg, and Stacey leaving, a part of me thought…maybe…but then you started your battle with pain, excruciating pain, which you chose for yourself House.

Then you found vicodin, and the House I knew was gone.

House closed his eyes against the hurt he was feeling reading her words, his exhaustion from the radiation settling in. He took a couple of breaths and a shot of his Irish coffee sitting cold on his desk before he continued on.

You became a man who could hurt me, who was selfish, lashing out at everyone, cutting into my heart with each awful remark. After a while you made it easier for me to let you go. Years went by, and although my love for you was still there, I knew in my soul that you could never love me back, not really.

'I wanted to.'

So I moved on, I dated, searching desperately for a man who I could love as much as I loved you. I kept reminding myself that you weren't in love with me anyway, that you would never open your heart up again. I knew you were attracted to me, and I knew you were aware that I was attracted to you, but that was all there was. I was just your friend, your employer, a girl from your past that you shared only one night with…nothing more.

I could tell things started to change after Amber's death, after that night in your hospital bed when I held your hand, when I let my guard down with you for the first time in years, a moment of weakness for the man I had almost lost.

But I pushed it aside…like I always do.

When you finally hit rock bottom and the hallucinations started I was in shock, I was terrified. You had hurt me so many times, but I still wanted to fix your pain, help you…love you. Then I realized how crazy that was…you had never been able to be there for me, and I spent years of my life trying to fix you. So when you left for Mayfield I was determined to leave you, I had a child to think of, I had to move on…and then Lucas came back into my life.

House instantly pictured Lucas in his brain with his arm around Cuddy…a horrible picture he witnessed too many times. House wanted nothing more than to have a vicodin bottle sitting in front of him in that moment, hide himself away from the pain, his guilt over how he hurt her. He took another shot from his whiskey filled coffee cup instead.

After I called him and he was sitting in front of me I looked at him with new eyes. Here was a man that liked me, wanted to take me out. I was hesitant at first, scared to open my heart back up to anyone, when it had been consumed with you for years. But eventually I found myself happy, he made me feel loved, something that you could never give me.

We dated for two months before you walked back into my life. I had anticipated this moment, and I remember the second you walked back into my office I felt it. I would have to push you away again, I had Lucas, but when I saw you again standing there, I knew all I wanted was you…

Foreman was in the room, which made it difficult for me to talk openly to you. When you quit…you said you couldn't come back to work because you needed a new start…one that didn't include me. I knew you were right, and I knew that I needed to continue to move on too.

So I did.

Then Lucas proposed and I became overwhelmed with emotion, I felt happy that I had found a man that wanted to marry me, take care of Rachel, but I knew I would always wonder about you. You still consumed my heart House. Watching you, my House from years before, come slowly back into my life that year was an incredible feeling. Honestly my heart fills up now just thinking about the moments I first saw glimpses of the man I fell in love with at the bookstore. I fought against you still, and you reverted to your old ways from time to time, but you were slowly swallowing me up all over again.

When the crane collapsed and we had to work together I was angry at you. Why did you have to be the guy I finally could see myself with now? I was engaged to a man that I did love, but here you were, ready for me now…after all these years am I supposed to just say yes to you?

'Yes.'

When we were under the building, and I heard you talk about your leg, I finally allowed my heart to remember… I knew my answer.

Yes.

I had to give us a chance, even though I was terrified we would screw it up, I knew that we had to try at least once, know for sure if we could be happy together.

But I know now that I expected too much…and I gave up to quickly. I knew that I would always love you, but I also knew what it felt like too love you, and it hurts just as much as it heals…and it became too much, so I ran.

I let my fear of you never truly loving me, never caring about me, win over my heart to soon, I shouldn't have quit on us when I did…and I'm so sorry House.

But I still miss you, everyday.

Cuddy

House folded her letter back up and put it in his pocket, grabbing the shirt she had sent and throwing it over his shoulders as he limped out of his office. Her words echoing his footsteps as he made his way to the elevator. He wanted to go home and pack, catch the first flight to her and be there by morning. It was all consuming, after everything he had been through he just needed to feel her again.

Halfway home he realized he had to re-think things, slow down. He still had one more treatment to go through, and he didn't want to just show up unannounced, as much as he selfishly craved too. When he finally parked his car at home he had created a new plan, he went straight to his computer and began to finalize the details, and then he took out a pen and paper and started to write her another letter…