Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the first chapter. Also, thank you to everybody who left kudos, favorite this story, bookmark this story, or added it to your alerts. Every little bit encourages me to keep writing. I would love to get more of your comments. Reviews make the writer happy. Happy writers write faster.

Warnings for this chapter: sexual content, voyeurism, and violence.

Chapter 2: Seriously, How Did You Get in Here?

Since Tahiti or rather TAHITI, Phil has wondered what would happen when he was finally able to tell his friends the truth or at least some plausible variation of it. Would they be happy he was back or angry that he waited so long to tell them. Jasper was angry, but Sitwell was never really his friend. Although, what he was most afraid of is that no one would care. Some days it feels like Melinda is the only person who has ever really been his friend and even then she betrayed him.

So he had been surprised to get a hug from Tony Stark after the man crash their secret base (and even more so to receive a semi-serious offer of group sex). He also wasn't expecting the man to bring him very, very expensive alcohol. (How did Tony manage to bring that in the suit?) He certainly hadn't been expecting to sit there drinking said alcohol while Stark explains the story of – okay; he was not entirely sure what story Tony was trying to tell him. He is still not certain how Tony and Steve got together or Melinda's role in it.

Phil would be talking to her later about her allegedly having sex with Captain America during an undercover assignment - one he knew nothing about. She would have told him about Steve because they're friends and friends tell each other those things.

Instead, he heard another story about how Virginia "Pepper" Potts was the most remarkable woman he has ever met next to Melinda. She was definitely the most patient. If Stark did something like that to him, Phil would've brought out the Taser-the big one. Forget the Taser, an ICER would be involved.

"So while my team and I were being shot at by "SHIELD" drones and discovering that somebody I have known for nearly 3 decades was the same person who had me kidnapped and had a member of my team practically murdered just to find out why I am not dead, you were hiding in your lab because you cheated on your girlfriend? A girlfriend who just happens to be one of the best individuals I've ever met." Phil said slightly upset. He was really tempted to use the ICER on Stark.

"At least we agree on that." Tony said. Phil griped the ICER in his hand and glared angrily at him. "According to Pepper, the Steve thing only counts as emotional infidelity, which was- oh, don't look at me like that. Being locked in the lab is probably the only reason I'm still alive right now. As soon as we opened the door, "Mr. George" and my assistant started shooting at me and Pepper. Jarvis had to activate my new don't-let-the-evil-people-get-my-tech protocols. I had to come here in my second post retirement suit."

The attack didn't surprise Phil at all. He knew that SHIELD and other agencies had people strategically placed at SI. Phil remembered George from a file he read years ago.

"This guy who used to give me candy as a kid was actually a Hydra sleeper agent. That was equally as traumatic as being stabbed in the back by close friends, possibly literally."

"Apparently, he missed." Phil remarked dryly.

"He missed me. He shot Pepper in the shoulder after she disarmed 'Candy' and I shot Mr. George- if that was his real name -in the chest with his sidekick's gun as Jarvis was blowing everything up and moving specs elsewhere." Phil would ask how he was able to do that, but he was sure training with the new boyfriend was probably involved.

"He was your dad's SHIELD appointed bodyguard. He was assigned to him when your father decided to take a smaller role in the organization after you were born." Stark snickered at that as Phil started to explain. This was all in Stark's file Phil read when he was first assigned to keep an eye on the man post-Afghanistan.

"He stayed on to watch you and Mr. Stane after…" Phil stopped speaking because he wasn't sure how much Stark already knew about his father's death. Phil knew that information was leaked to the web, but he wasn't sure if Tony read it yet or if Tony would even want to. Phil has yet to touch the uncensored file regarding his own father's murder.

"Hydra or as I like to think of it SHYDRA had my father taken out because he knew too much." Stark finished for him. Apparently he did read that file.

"That was all over the news before I even made it out of Manhattan. I wonder if George went to the Darkside before or after dad died? Considering George was the one in charge of keeping dad from driving completely sloshed, I'm going to go with before." Stark said bitterly.

"Are you aware that the police report regarding your father's death was fabricated to make it look like a drunk driving accident?"

That was another thing in the Stark file. The assassination was originally covered up because the situation with Russia was very precarious at that time, with the dissolution of the Soviet Union just days away or at least that was the official explanation.

Alexander Pierce was the director of SHIELD at the time, after taking over for Margaret Carter-Jones four years previous, because she resigned due to family issues (Coulson now knows this "family issue" was her youngest daughter giving birth at 16 and being ordered to resign because of it). So it's highly probable that Pierce was covering up his own actions. Now that Phil was director of this organization, he did not feel like keeping unnecessary secrets. It is one of many ways Shield 2.0 is going to differ from its predecessor.

"Now I know they were taken out by SHYDRA's very own Manchurian Candidate or rather Manchurian Winter Soldier, also known as my boyfriend's mind wiped childhood best friend, who Steve is still trying to find." He wanted to ask about that (especially because of the mind wiped comment) but Stark did not give him a chance.

"We all got fucked over by SHYDRA. You got stabbed in the back by old friends. Thankfully, it was just figuratively this time. Bruce was attacked by the unit that was supposed to be protecting the team of doctors he was working with and Clint's partner tried to shoot him. Also, in my case, I designed one of the main pieces of technology they were going to use to kill all of us. You were at the top of the kill list with the rest of the Avengers."

Phil just looked at him shocked for a moment. It was one thing for his predecessor to consider him an Avenger, but for Tony to say that was another thing entirely.

"Not to mention, I had to spend 5 hours in a car with my new ex-girlfriend trying not to get killed and/or arrested. Awkward would be an understatement."

"Why did you take her to DC with you?" Stark just gave Phil an annoyed look at his question.

"I wasn't going to leave her in the tower to get killed, especially given that she was already shot. She's Pepper." It was the same justification he gave for bringing Melinda with the team when they evacuated the Hub even though he was furious at her at the time. He couldn't leave her in danger. No matter what, he just couldn't do that even if he hated her. Not that he could ever hate her, even after TAHITI. That fact was part of the reason why he was so upset.

"It was a productive trip. I apologized about 15 times as well as placed an order for apology basket number 10. We came up with the wording for the press release about the breakup. We agreed that I would be staying in DC for the next 3 months to deal with the fallout and to give her some 'space'. We contacted SI legal which started to come up with a strategy to keep me from being arrested for accidentally designing a piece of technology that was going to be used to massacre twenty million people and to keep other entities from using SI technology for questionable purposes. They also came up with a way to keep Steve, Natasha, and Maria Hill from being tortured in a cave by the NSA. Actually, we didn't start working on the Maria situation until after she found me in Steve's hospital room and only then because she blackmailed me."

"She blackmailed you? What could she have on you that the press doesn't?" Phil scoffed.

"The old SHIELD's surveillance made the paparazzi look like amateurs by comparison." Tony's words made Phil remember looking over his own file with Skye and realizing that an organization he had given his whole life to (literally) was observing his every move and knew things about him that even Melinda didn't know. It was disconcerting and he knew that this new Shield could never become that. "I hope SHIELD 2.0 is not planning on monitoring my sex life."

"That will not happen mostly because I don't want to analyze the data." He joked. "Besides, why do I need surveillance on you when you will tell me everything I don't want to know?"

"Because I'm just that interesting," Stark joked before starting his story again.

6 weeks earlier

It only took 5 hours to reach the Georgetown hospital where Steve was being treated mostly because Tony broke every single traffic law between New Jersey and the District of Insanity. Maria Hill was kind enough to send Tony a pair of text messages during their drive. The first was about finding Steve and his being taken to the hospital. The second was Steve undergoing surgery to remove several bullets from his abdomen.

By the time they do get there, the place is covered with FBI and every other law enforcement agency in the DC Metro of which there are dozens. This makes sense because the district was in complete chaos. The air smelled of ash and dust. The Metro was shut down due to the fact that a large portion of Triskelion was currently resting on the Blue Line. People were wandering the streets confused trying to get home. There were dozens of abandoned cars in the street. Tony and Pepper ended up walking the last 4 blocks to the hospital. The whole thing reminded him too much of Manhattan post invasion. It was almost enough to induce a panic attack, but not quite.

Tony would have liked to believe the reason why he was allowed into the Georgetown University Medical Center was SI was partnering with the hospital to develop new bloodless surgery techniques. More likely, it was the fact that Pepper had a minimally treated gunshot wound to the left shoulder. She was currently downstairs being lectured loudly by an angry doctor about waiting 5 hours to receive medical attention.

Tony was thankful for that research investment at the moment because Steve wasn't exactly compatible with normal human blood, therefore stopping the bleeding and restoring volume was the most crucial thing. The techniques that they were developing probably saved Steve's life.

But he didn't think about that as he saw Steve's unconscious body lying in the bed. The best of Marvin Gaye was playing in the background, drowning out the sound of that equipment monitoring Steve's vital signs. Yet at that moment no one else was there. Tony was thankful for a bit of privacy.

"Do you know how much of a fucking bastard you are?" He all but yelled at Steve who didn't move. Tony walked towards the bed and continued his diatribe at a more reasonable volume. "First, you leave in the middle of the night after what was one of the better sexual experiences of my life and considering how much experience I have you should take that as a damn complement. You have the refractory period of a teenager and are very flexible for someone your size." He joked as he grabbed Steve's hand.

Tony leaned over and whispered, "You didn't even wake me up with a kiss, let alone a blow job which would've been proper etiquette, especially with a mouth like yours. It's like you don't even need to breathe. It was so easy for you to take all of me." There was still no reaction from Steve. Tony had hoped a little dirty talk would do something. He was frustrated enough that one tear rolled down his cheek.

Straightening back up Tony continues, "I wake up to a note promising coffee and that you would come back. But you didn't come back. Instead, you manage to get yourself shot in the damn stomach and nearly drown in the Potomac and I still haven't got my damn coffee you fucking asshole." He was actually crying at this point as a cup of coffee was placed in his hand.

"It's decaf. I don't think you need caffeine right now." Surprisingly, it wasn't Pepper, but Hill.

"I always need caffeine. How do I know this isn't poisoned?" He asked without looking at her. "I've already been shot at multiple times today by various SHYDRA plants at SI. At this point, the only SHIELD agent I actually trust is buried a few miles away in Arlington and I don't mean Nikki. I'm almost happy Agent Agent didn't live to see this."

"If I wanted you dead, you'd be dead right now." Hill said without inflection and Tony completely believed her. "Besides, if I was planning to poison you, I would've had one of the nurses give you the coffee." She then sat down in the other chair across from him.

"Probably 'Nurse Kate';" He actually made finger quotes when saying the woman's name. "She absolutely hates me. I had to suffer her wrath when she caught me sneaking out of Steve's apartment Monday morning. I wouldn't be surprised at all if she turned out to be Hydra or at the very least tries to kill me." Tony absolutely loathes the woman, so he would enjoy an excuse to actually fight her.

"Because she caught you cheating on your girlfriend, with her great aunt's sort of ex-boyfriend." Tony didn't even bother to act surprised that the late director would do something like that.

"Okay, first of all, the fact that she has a crush on Steve is just disturbing. That's almost Freudian." Tony shivered.

"Second, it really wasn't cheating. Apparently, Pepper and I had an open relationship because she didn't trust me not to sleep with other people, not that she ever told me that. That should be a reason right there to…"

"Because you did sleep with somebody else," Hill cut him off.

"You can't actually prove that," Tony told her defensively. That's when Hill placed an inferior tablet in front of his face. On the screen was surprisingly clear surveillance footage from Steve's apartment of the man literally fucking Tony into the mattress.

Tony's mind instantly went back to that night. He could still feel Steve's sweat soaked body on top of his. Every single muscle pressed against him. He remembered the feel of fingernails digging into his hips, the scrape of blunt teeth against his neck and the feel of Steve inside of him.

Even someone without an extreme intimate knowledge of Steve would instantly recognize that it was him because nobody else has a body like that. In Tony's case, his photographic memory held onto a perfect image of every piece of skin. It was something he could hold onto in the loneliness that would follow the inevitable ending of their friendship. However, you couldn't exactly tell it was Tony underneath Steve, because he was face down that time. Did he mention Steve has the refractory period of a teenager?

He grabs the offered ear buds to hear what was going on (again of inferior quality). Because it is SHIELD, this particular bit of voyeurism porn has an audio track and from that you could tell it was him. The audio was essentially a litany of 'fuck', 'harder' and 'I love your cock' along with Tony chanting Steve's name repeatedly.

"Thankfully, for you, the late director decided it was best that this be purged from SHIELD records five days before we had no choice but to air all of the agency's dirty laundry, along with other pieces of surveillance that may be…"

"Use to blackmail Captain America into doing whatever you want." Tony finished for her. At that moment, Tony is thankful for Nikki's paranoia, because if Pepper found out about it from that, he probably would have arrived in DC with his own bullet wound.

"Instead, you're using it on me or at least trying to. I don't negotiate with terrorists and according to Fox News that's what you are right now. Besides, Pepper already knows about what happened and honestly, this is not my first sex tape. My PR department has a contingency plan for this situation." The new head of SI PR believed in being prepared for any possibility despite the fact that this scenario had been highly unlikely in recent years.

"Yes, but Steve doesn't and honestly you can barely tell that is you in the tape. People are already questioning what he did today. Some are calling him a patriot; others consider him another one of those shield terrorists." Hill said poignantly.

"That's mostly Fox news." Tony quipped.

"Imagine what would happen if a Captain America sex tape is released - a gay sex tape of the non-vanilla variety." Sadly, Tony had to acknowledged that even in 2014 homosexuality still bothers a portion of the world and it would give certain countries that will remain nameless another reason to hate Steve. If nothing else, Steve deserved the right to come out on his own terms, not Maria Hill's. "Who knew Captain America was into au… "

"What do you want?" He asked roughly because he cares too much about Steve to let him be hurt like this.

"I expect the NSA, CIA, Special Forces, and/or the FBI to show up any minute to take me and probably Natasha to someplace that will make Gitmo seem like a Caribbean resort." At that moment he wanted to ask about Natasha's whereabouts, but common sense told him that it wasn't safe for her to be here. There was also a good chance that she was already in somebody's custody. He just hoped that she had enough sense to call the SI lawyers.

"You want protection?" He asked not surprised at all.

"I want a job and your protection. You wanted to privatize world peace and I want to help you. Besides, you're the only one I know that has enough power to keep me…"

"From being tortured in a cave in Afghanistan." Tony supplied for her. "I've been through that one. It's not fun, especially the drowning. I still don't like baths. Although how do I know you're not Hydra. You just blackmailed me with a sex tape."

"Because if I was Hydra, that tape would already be all over the Internet, or at the very least, I would have approached Pepper first. I also would've asked for something more than a job." Hill explained.

"Good point. The lawyers are already trying to find a way to save me, Natasha and Steve from the joy of water boarding. We can add you to their workload. But you're taking a polygraph." Tony added that stipulation because he was really tired of his employees trying to kill him. Actually, he may have HR give everybody polygraphs.

"Of course, you're already trying to protect Steve." Hill rolled her eyes. "Fine, I'll take the test."

"Not when I should have." Tony mumbled sadly.

"You didn't just sleep with Steve because it was the easiest way out of your relationship with Pepper, did you? You actually care about him." Hill asked looking at him strangely. Do people really think that little of him?

"I should've been here. He needed me and I was hiding in my lab like a fucking…" Tony was nearly in tears again and that was strange for him because he doesn't cry, at least not in front of other people who could use it against him.

"Sleepers at SI probably would have killed you the moment you tried to leave the building or at the very least try to. I know they actually did and things were almost over at that point." She said trying to make him feel better, but it didn't help. "We called in another special team and they never got here. Agent May is probably dead. I don't think Steve would be happy if we lost you as well."

"You are talking about Steve's ninja neighbor? The one before the descendent of girlfriend's past moved in next door."

"I guess you already knew." Hill sighed.

"I set up a way for her to email him securely while she was on her new assignment." Tony said just before losing consciousness.

The Present

"I can't believe she actually use surveillance footage of you and Captain Rogers having sex to save herself. We were being hunted by Talbot and she screwed the rest of us over to save her own-how selfish-I can't-this is why…" Director Agent is so angry he's not even making sense anymore.

"Deep breathe Director." Tony said trying to calm Coulson down. "There's a reason why the pirate put you in charge of rebuilding an organization to protect the world from the crazy things that go bump in the night. And FYI, Hill is currently in New York making excuses to the board about why I'm missing whatever else I'm supposed to be doing right now." The man in front of him stopped spluttering at that point.

"You care, Coulson, even when other people don't, even when it's in your own best interest not to. We push you away; you keep trying. You can still see the good in a self-absorbed playboy or a lost soul who screwed over the first people who showed him anything other than abuse and contempt. You have protected me from myself more times than I care to remember. Your ability to actually give a fuck when others don't is your superpower. It's what you do Director Agent." He told Phil honestly.

"That doesn't make what she did right." Coulson complained.

"There's no such thing as right with people like her, which is another reason why you're the one putting Humpty Dumpty the agency back together again. Besides, working with me is its own special punishment, although Pepper is really her boss. Actually, Steve is her direct superior, so you know that she's not going to be able to get away with a lot. For her penance, Pepper and I are using her as an intermediary between us. We are even playing up the post breakup awkwardness just to make it worse." Tony said trying to placate Coulson.

"There were days when I saw it that way." Coulson quipped.

"Also, you don't have to worry about Talbot, even if you didn't save the lives of most of the top U.S. military brass from the real Hydra. Definitely earning your Avenger title there." Tony quipped. "The guy is currently being "held" for invading another country." Tony smirked.

"What did you do?" Agent director almost sounded worried.

"Just a little international diplomacy. After Hill's Canadian "adventure" where she knocked out a US general so you two could rescue the princess/hacker, to save her ass or as I like to think of it save your ass and keep Steve's naked ass from being on the Internet, I may have tried to get the Canadians to hate me less by letting them know about Talbot's occupation. Talbot will be lucky if he gets to resign in disgrace, Department H has a new secret base which they will personally thank you for. You have a meeting with their Deputy Director sometime in the next week. And SI has a lot of meetings in Canada next month regarding arc reactor technology. Really, it's a win-win for everybody."

"Am I supposed to thank you or should I ask why Canada hated you in the first place?" Coulson asked.

"You should, but I did it mostly for Bruce so he doesn't have to worry about the bastard anymore. Also, I'm really glad I already knew that you weren't dead before the ass hole called up demanding both your's and Hill's heads on a platter, otherwise he would have the government freeze all SI assets." That was not a fun phone call. Actually, Tony was in the middle of enjoying the effect of super soldier serum on throat muscles when he and Steve were rudely interrupted (and Steve being the absolute Boy Scout that he is made Tony take the damn call, even though he was barely thirty seconds from cumming).

"That sounds like something he would do." Coulson remarked.

"Unfortunately, that was how Pepper found out that you're no longer dead." That's when Director Agent poured himself another drink.

"Pepper is not happy. You have lunch with her Friday. Expect another loud, angry conversation and Agent Scary already promised that you'd be there. Let's just say she took the Steve thing better."

He's not even kidding about that. He got yelled at for a solid 20 minutes for not telling her. Apparently, the fact that he was trying to give her some space was not considered an adequate reason for not calling her immediately after he found out. Okay, she may have said something along the lines of "getting your brains or other appendages blown by Captain America is no excuse for not telling me something like this immediately."

"Am I ever going to be forgiven for that?"

"Not anytime soon, Director Agent." Tony said bitterly. "But it's not like Pepper and I were the last people to find out about your Lazarus routine. According to Hill, there is a woman in Portland who still doesn't know."

"Maria Hill has a big mouth." Coulson said slightly annoyed.

"That came out when she was trying to explain why she didn't tell us about you being alive." The director just shook his head. Tony decided it was best not to tell Coulson what else Maria told them. Let's just say that if Tony runs into Director Coulson's predecessor, there won't be anything fake about his death anymore.

"Of course, she would use me to save herself, again. It's what Hill does. Why am I not- I will tell Audrey eventually, it's just – well, here you are - not exactly having a hard time accepting that I've magically come back from the dead. You have pizza nights with super soldiers and argue with aliens. It's not exactly easy to explain what happened to somebody…"

"Who is a civilian?" Tony supplied for him. "I get it. At least Pepper was somewhat initiated in my world, but anyone else would have been a disaster. Even then it still wasn't enough. Her not accepting my world completely was the number one reason for our breakup. We live in interesting times. Right now, I'm dating someone who is old enough to be my father, but almost looks young enough to be my son, if I had done something stupid in college, because Steve survived being frozen in ice for nearly 7 decades. But the sex is good, so I don't care if I have to explain 50% of my pop-culture references. Even then, I find some of this stuff weird."

"I really don't need any additional details about your sex life, especially with Capt. Rogers."

"At this point, I think you have earned first name privileges." For half a second Phil seems very sad.

"Okay, I don't want to know what you're doing with Steve. The description of the tape was enough. Wait, how did you even find out that I was no longer dead? I had Skye purposely…" Coulson started but Tony interrupted him.

"That's what I'm trying to explain." Tony said slightly annoyed. "You let me believe that you were dead for 2 years, so you can sit through this story. Where was I?"

"You were just knocked unconscious." Coulson sighed.

"By Black Widow. Obviously, she wasn't happy. She's friends with Pepper and considers herself Steve's personal bodyguard since your beautiful warrior left to babysit you or whatever."

"She's not my — just tell me your story and keep May out of this." Coulson told him defensively. Tony smirked at that.

"But she's the most important part of the story. Also, I'm pretty sure she's yours. I did mention earlier that I knew that she was an agent from seeing her throw a tantrum at your funeral?" Tony asked.

"Okay, now I know you're just making this up because she doesn't throw tantrums." Director Agent scoffed. Tony just looked at him sadly, because obviously the man didn't remember the truth. He was already thinking of the worst jobs possible to give Hill for what she did.

"But she would for you." There was Coulson's 'I don't believe you' face again. "She's one of those friends. Natasha's like that although I don't think she wants to sleep with Steve, I hope. There was this one kiss at Pentagon City, but they were trying not to get killed at the time."

"Stark!"

"After coming to, Natasha and Hill convinced me it was best to give Steve some space and let him contact me." They "threatened" him with extreme bodily harm, but Phil doesn't need to know that.

"She kicked you in the genitals?" But apparently he knew anyway.

"Among other places, but she didn't threatened me with a Taser because that's our thing." Tony smirked.

"Of course," Coulson remarked dryly.

"Also, instead of letting Steve know that I was there once he finally woke up like we agreed in exchange for my leaving, Pepper's self-appointed assassin/BFF decided to set him up with undercover Barbie again. Actually that was the point of her throwing random girls at him. She saw what was happening between me and him and was trying to 'distract him'. Although, since she actually knew what was going on with us, she should have at least tossed a couple of nice guys at him as well. I'm sure Agent Carter had a great-nephew or something." That part was more mumbled to himself than anything else.

"Grandson, actually," Colson corrected. "He was the one who tried to shoot you when you drop by my secret base. He goes by his stepfather's last name because some people want to be known for something other than their lineage."

"I already like him better than undercover Barbie." Tony quipped.

"I purposely changed all the access codes to prevent this from happening again." Colson practically growls.

"Apparently, my biometrics are in the system. Also, your hacker and my AI are besties now." No need to explain to Director Agent how that happened. "Needless to say, Maria Hill has lost her favorite blackmail material."

"What did I do to deserve this?" Phil mumbled to himself.

"You died and forgot to tell me that you were not dead anymore," Tony said annoyed. "I thought we were friends?"

"We are. Although, I don't know how this relationship started." Coulson closed his eyes and shook his head as he mumbled the last part.

"You were the one who wanted to debrief me so badly and that's exactly what we're doing." Director Agent doesn't even say a word; he just gives Tony a strange look.

"So after surviving Natasha's vengeance for sleeping with Steve before technically breaking up with Pepper, I endured a CIA debriefing, a NSA debriefing, a FBI debriefing and two congressional hearings. Congress makes the SI Board of Directors seem pleasant by comparison and I still have to deal with them for the Hill thing if nothing else. I also had to deal with the Smithsonian being really angry that Steve "borrowed" his original uniform, the backup version, when I was the one who donated it to them in the first place. Although, the worst was being grilled by Mia Barnett, the PR goddess of SI." Tony is actually terrified of the PR goddess and that was before he had to tell her about the Steve thing and the sex tape blackmail.

"That you probably never listen to." Phil quipped. "I don't remember a Mia in PR."

"Mia, the PR goddess, came on board after your not-a-death and me getting my house blown up in Malibu. Actually, she was brought in to deal with that entire mess. At least her cue cards contain stories that are halfway believable. Seriously, bodyguard?" Phil did not even bother to respond.

"So anyway, after the PR goddess decided it would be good to use mine and Pepper's breakup to distract the public from Hill's congressional testimony, I pretty much gave up hope of Steve actually showing up at my door. I assumed that he finally figured out that I am too much of an ass for him to have a relationship with." It's probably best not to tell Coulson that he was too terrified to actually call Steve himself and not just because of Natasha's threats.

"You did cheat on your last girlfriend." Coulson said pointedly.

"Hey, this is my story."

Five weeks earlier

Stark house: Arlington Ridge

Arlington, Virginia

"It actually worked." Tony told his AI as he scanned the various news channels. Everybody was now talking about the demise of his romantic relationship with Pepper instead of the entire SHIELD fiasco. The current theories regarding the demise of their relationship included Tony leaving Pepper for a Brazilian supermodel and Pepper leaving him for a lot of different people including every single Avenger, even Natasha. Well, every single living Avenger anyway. Tony could see Phil being her type, unfortunately, he wasn't exactly available.

"Hey, JARVIS, is it too early to start setting Pepper up with other people? Thanks to that new medication he created, Bruce can now have sex again. He would be better for her than me." He's pretty sure Bruce would at least talk about what was going on before running off to hide.

"Sir, I believe it is customary to wait at least ninety days before finding your ex-girlfriend new companionship."

"You make it sound so cold, J." He told the AI before returning his attention back to the screens in front of him.

Normally, Tony hated for the media to speculate about his love life, but he was happy they were all focused on something other than the fact that his technology was used in a major terrorist plot. He was actually happy everybody was talking about how he screwed things up with Pepper, everyone except Fox News. They were busy arguing that he had been in bed with Hydra all along and arranged to have his own father killed so he could take over the company. Apparently, he also faked his own kidnapping and the arc reactor that had kept him alive for many years was just some fake 'accessory'. In addition, he manufactured all the climate change data to increase SI profit margins.

Just as he was about to turn back to the channel that was convinced Pepper had dumped him for Steve, which was so absurd it made him laugh, he was knocked to the ground by Steve's former neighbor/sex buddy May Phillips, a.k.a. Melinda May.

Oh, he knew all about that 'non-relationship'. He'd actually walked in on the couple once. One of their sparring matches turned pornographic and unfortunately there was no AI in Steve's prehistoric building to warn him about that sort of thing.

Looking back on that situation now, Tony wishing he was a participant probably marked the beginning of the end of things with Pepper. Also, as soon as there is not a foot holding him down, Tony is going to have to check to see if Ms. Hill has that piece of footage as part of her blackmail porn collection. He wanted to get rid of those files but Mia told him not to, at least not directly. He was currently trying to find somebody with his skill set and a strong working knowledge of SHIELD systems to take care of the problem for him.

"How did you get in here without JARVIS alerting me?" He asked the woman who now had a foot on his chest. That was still a very sensitive area for him. She was also pointing a gun right at him.

"SHIELD had a way to get into all of your properties without being detected. This one in particular since it used to belong to former Director Howard Stark. There's an old entrance in your basement that you want to look into." She smirked but it came out more like a frown.

"Don't you mean Hydra?" He asked and her response was to press harder. Okay, he forgot she doesn't like jokes, unless they're coming from her Stevie Bear.

"I'm not Hydra. If I were, you would be dead right now. This is a nonlethal weapon." That's when he recognized the weapon with its ridiculous name 'Naptime Gun' or whatever. Steve 'let' him play around with his. "Also I wouldn't have bothered to remove the backdoor that SHIELD put in your security system or let you know about your father's secret passageway which might allow someone with less altruistic motives to get in here." At that point, she removed her foot from his chest and actually helped him up. However, she still kept her weapon on him.

"I'm pretty sure I heard this argument from Hill a couple of days ago." He decided it was in his best interest to keep her talking. The Arlington police would be here within five minutes anyway and if that wasn't soon enough, he always had plan B.

"I'm trying to find Maria Hill," Agent Scary started to explain. "I need her to help a mutual friend of ours. But if you prefer, we can talk about the fact that you screwed my friend 2 weeks ago and haven't called him since."

"I think Hydra would have been preferable. The Team Steve people want me dead just as badly right now. Steve's friends are scary." He rubbed his chest where her foot was moments earlier. "Have you talked with Steve recently? It seems like you know what happened."

"You slept with him, he ran away and you have been hiding in various locations since." She summarized, weapon now at her side.

"You also forgot about multiple assassination attempts, Steve almost dying, and your agency imploding around you. Also, as you said he ran away from me and I did try to see him when he was at GUMC, but I was banned from contacting him until he's ready by your younger, but equally scary counterpart."

"Considering her skill set, Widow figured this would keep you away from him, but she's unaware of Steve's history. Steve comes from a time when men, especially of your station, would use him to get off and then go back to their wife or girlfriend." Until she mentioned it Tony forgot about the stories of Steve's pre-super soldier sexual encounters. He wouldn't see Tony giving him space as being considerate, but as a reminder of what happened in the 40s.

"Steve won't see the lack of phone calls as a good thing. You have to make the first mo-I don't have time for this. I'm sure the cops will be here in two minutes." She mumbled to herself.

"Actually, it will be 16.4 minutes. The Arlington police force is somewhat overwhelmed by recent events." I.e. they're the ones who are dealing with the smoking crater of ash that was the Triskelion.

"You didn't need to tell her that." He hissed at the AI.

"I need to know where Maria is because… Phil Coulson isn't dead and I'm trying to make sure it wasn't Hydra that brought him back. If you care about him at all, you will help me find your newest employee because she may be the only one left alive who knows what really happened to Phil."

That's when Tony used plan B to knock her unconscious before she could pull her night-night gun or whatever. Plan B was a grenade shaped like a knickknack that contains the same Dendrotoxin as her gun. He decided to modify it after spending some time with Steve's version of the gun making it less noticeable for situations like this.

"Not Hydra, just delusional. If you were going to have a nervous breakdown, this would be the time to do it." Tony said, checking on the unconscious body in the middle of his living room.

"Cancel the cops. Tell them it was a false alarm or something. Maybe call Doctor- do I have a DC shrink?" Tony asked Jarvis.

"Doctor Suarez, formally of SHIELD, but she resigned nine months ago. She is currently Captain Rogers' personal psychologist." Who Steve never goes to, but the AI doesn't say that part out loud.

"Call her and explain what's going on." Tony sighed.

"Done, sir." Jarvis affirmed. "Should I contact Captain Rogers?"

"No. I really don't want the first time we speak to each other in two weeks to be about his ex-girlfriend or whatever losing it over Agent Agent."

To be continued