Another Chapter! Been toying with heading in a few different directions sooo...this Chapter took a bit.
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for the wonderful reviews for my last Chapter. When I struggle with words and want to quit, they remind me to keep writing! Hope to update soon...
'knock, knock, knock…' sounded loudly against House's front door, as he pulled the pillow over his head to ignore the early morning disturbance. He knew who it was. He was due back in the hospital the day prior but chose to stay home and wallow, a choice he was more than happy to repeat everyday; the hospital was the last place he wanted to be right now. After spending the last few days surrounded by Cuddy, he knew the hospital would feel more empty to him now, without her in it.
'knock, knock, knock, knock…' House groaned outwardly, threw off the covers and limped to the bathroom. He was begrudgingly awake, but still determined to ignore his pestering friend to the best of his abilities, as he turned on the shower to drown his sorrows and leg pain with hot water. House started to get undressed but the sound of a loud crash coming from his kitchen stopped his movements. Shaking his head, he pulled his pants back on and grabbed his cane to clobber Wilson with, as he made his way to confront the criminal in the kitchen.
House saw his trusty blow horn on the way and picked it up, waiting till Wilson's head was almost clear of the window he was climbing in from before he blew it, causing Wilson to startle and smack the back of his head on the window pane.
"Ow, son of a bitch!" Wilson practically fell the rest of the way into the kitchen clutching his head.
"My words exactly." House glared at him, setting the offending blow-horn on the counter. "I was going to beat you with my cane, but I figured this might be more effective."
"Well I wouldn't be here if you had answered your phone-or your door, or better yet, shown up to work." Wilson crossed his arms and leaned against the counter opposite House.
"I'm taking a sabbatical, I hear those are very popular these days."
"What…you can't." Wilson spoke with an incredulous look on his face.
"Actually I think I can, all I have to do is pick up the phone and contact human resources." House spoke without inflection as he crossed over to the stove and grabbed the tea kettle.
"Oh cut the crap House…you not working will only drive you off the deep end."
"Hate to debunk your theory, but I've been off the deep end before…and I believe I was still working at the time."
"True. " Wilson admitted, but he clearly knew what this was really about, "What happened with Cuddy?"
House sighed; he wasn't ready to talk about her yet. The urge to immediately fly back to her was still obsessively boiling inside him. However he knew how strong Wilson's persistence could be, "A case of meningitis."
"Is that code for sex…or…"
"It's code for meningitis."
"Are you serious? Is she okay…is Rachel?" Wilson asked frantically.
House rolled his eyes, "Will you relax. They're fine. They got antibiotics right away, you talked to her on the phone remember?"
"Right," Wilson nodded, pausing before he proceeded for further knowledge, "So…you didn't sleep with her?"
House poured his tea without offering Wilson any, "Dear Abby, today my bestest friend pried into my personal affairs, whatever shall I do?" He mocked.
"Fine, it's none of my business. " Wilson threw his hands up, "Pour me some." House grabbed another cup and poured hot water into it, followed by a tea bag thrown hastily on top, "Thanks…" Wilson paused, "So…did you?"
"Yes, gossip girl, you happy?" House grumbled.
Wilson saw him turn away and stare at nothing, with an unreadable expression as he sipped his tea. "Uh, I am actually…are you? You don't seem happy."
"I'm fine."
"Clearly," Wilson responded, "What happened?"
"Nothing, it was only a weekend."
"Right, only a weekend…with the love of your life, who you slept with…who left the country to escape your madness…"
"I get it! " House interjected loudly, "I don't need a play by play of our history." He set his cup down and walked out of the kitchen.
"House, wait." Wilson followed after him, switching gears, "Obviously it was a good weekend, you guys were together…what's the problem?"
House ignored him and made his way back to the bathroom, trying to break free of Wilson as he attempted to close the door behind him. Wilson put his hand up and blocked the door from closing. House glared, "In case you haven't noticed, you interrupted my shower. Which in my world-unless you're a hooker-I consider showers to be a private endeavor. So if you'll excuse me before I do beat you with my cane…"
"She isn't coming back yet, is she?"
House dropped his head in defeat, throwing his cane on the ground before he removed his shirt. "No."
"Does she know what's going on with you…your tumor?" Wilson saw House shake his head. "Why? She would want to know House. She would be here right now-"
"Exactly. She would be here. But not to be with me…to pity me. Now get out before I remove my pants."
"How do you know that?" Wilson challenged not backing out of the doorframe.
"Well, because generally people take off their pants before they show-"
"How do you know she would only be here out of pity?"
"Don't be an idiot Wilson, you know her just as well as I do."
Wilson furrowed his brow, "Okay, you might be right…" He slowly admitted, "But she wouldn't have slept with you if she hated you. Obviously she still loves you. What did she say?"
"She needed more time." House mumbled.
"Well there you go. She needs more time. That doesn't sound like a rejection to me. This is good House, you somehow managed to slowly win her back…" He saw House look away from him once more, "So I repeat, why aren't you happy?"
"Because I don't want to wait!" House shouted, finally giving Wilson what he had been so aggravatingly pressing for. "I was barely able to get on the plane to come home. Have you ever known me to be a patient man?" House asked, quieter than he began.
"Ah, no…but you are going to have to be. You have to give her what she needs this time. But it will be okay…this is Cuddy. You two will clearly never be finished…she will come back."
"Why thank you Dr. Drew." House spit out sarcastically while adjusting the shower temperature, and turning back around to Wilson, pointedly removing his pajama pants as promised.
"Alright I get it, I'm leaving." Wilson turned to leave then stopped, "You miss her, then call her House…might make you feel better. Oh and you have a case, I need you back in the hospital today." Wilson finished quickly and turned to leave once more, as House's cane flew out of the bathroom, narrowly missing his head, as the door slammed shut.
Wilson shook his head…thankful House had bad aim, and left him alone.
House went into the office later that day. He had thoroughly planned on ignoring Wilson's request, but Thirteen had called and managed to lure him in by disclosing the oddities of their latest patient's symptoms.
Having spent most of the day hiding in his office, waiting for tests to be run, House had repeatedly picked up the phone to call Cuddy, but continually stopped himself before he actually dialed. He wanted to hear her voice but that was the extent of it, he had no idea what he wanted to say beyond hello, and had no idea whether it would make him feel better, or worse, than he already felt.
So House spent the rest of the evening locked away downstairs in one of the clinic rooms watching television, waiting to see if his diagnosis was correct or if he needed to stay late to go back to the drawing board.
It was after midnight before he got a page from Foreman, House had unknowingly fallen asleep and his pager startled him back to consciousness. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and walked over to the phone against the wall. "Please tell me I'm right." House spoke to Foreman on the other end.
"You're wrong House, liver tests were normal."
"I'm not wrong, the liver will shut down next…We're just one step ahead of it. Did you do the ANA test?"
"Thirteen is running it now."
"Fine, page me when I'm right." House hung up and grabbed his cane, it was already after midnight and the hospital was mostly dark as he wandered out into the clinic. He made his way over to Wilson's locked office before he realized his direction, fumbling for just a moment before he managed to jimmy the door open, like he had done so many times over the years, and he slipped inside without anyone noticing.
He looked at the clock, 12:15am displayed back to him, and he knew that Cuddy would just be waking up by now. House put his cane upon her old desk, and went around to sit behind it. The phone was sitting beside the clock, and House stared at it for a long time, trying to process what he would say… if he actually went through with calling her. He shook his head, pushing the idiotic nerves aside, and picked up the receiver. As he slowly dialed her number, stored deep in his memory from months before, he sat back in the chair and held his breath, waiting to hear her voice on the other end…
'knock, knock.' Cuddy was in the middle of helping Rachel brush her teeth when she heard the knock at her door. She stood up straight and looked blankly down the hall to the front door, having no idea who would be knocking at such an early hour.
'knock, knock. ' Her first instinct was that it was House, as she made her way to answer it, but she pushed it away, not wanting to get her hopes up. Although, a part of her was surprised he actually got on the plane and didn't show back up at her doorstep an hour after he left her. It had been two days, so she knew the possibilities of it being him were slim at this point.
Cuddy reached for the door, opening it just as Dr. Barret was turning to leave. "Michel…hi." She was surprised to see him.
"Lisa…I am here checking you and Rachel…but I see you are okay…" He smiled warmly at her. "You look very good."
"I'm doing much better thank you, Rachel is doing great too." She smiled back, it was hard not too when he looked at her like that.
"I brought beignet for you." He gestured to a small white box and a single rose with a card attached to it sitting on her table next to the door. Cuddy was taken aback by his kindness, not able to form a proper response. "I am sorry to wake you, I will leave…" He turned and walked down the porch steps before turning back. "Will I see you tomorrow for work?"
"Uh, yes…but wait." She stopped him, "Thank you," she gathered the gift into her arms, "You didn't have to do this…would you like to join us for breakfast? I mean you supplied it already."
"I do not want to bother you…" He stepped forward, squinting handsomely in the winter sun, "Your friend is still here, yes?"
"Oh, Dr. House? No, he left a couple days ago…please come in." Cuddy smiled encouragingly at him. She felt horrible about the two of them meeting like that in the hospital, and she knew she needed to clear the air with him.
"If you are sure…"
"I am, come in." She left the door open as she made her way inside, placing the pastries on the counter. Rachel came running out as Michel came in and shut the front door behind him.
"Hi, Dr. Barret." Rachel spoke quickly as she ran past him and into the kitchen. "Mommy what's that, is it donuts?" She asked eyeing the box Cuddy had just put down on the counter.
"You are like a hawk, my dear. Yes. Go wash your hands and you can have one." Cuddy barely managed to finish speaking before Rachel was off like a flash, disappearing down the hall to wash her hands.
"She likes donut?" He laughed.
"Uh, yes, I think so." Cuddy replied laughing a bit herself.
Rachel ran back out and grabbed a donut from Cuddy's outstretched hand, before she began to retreat to the couch, "Hang on, remember your manners and say thank you to Dr. Barret please."
Rachel stopped in her tracks and turned as she shyly spoke up to him, "Thank you," she squeaked out, before she continued on her journey to the television.
Cuddy inwardly noted how different Rachel was with House, versus Dr, Barret. How much she opened up to House and was relaxed around him. Unlike any other adult besides herself, House was the only one Rachel truly trusted. An ironic twist to Cuddy's own relationship with him, because ultimately she wasn't sure she could ever trust him completely again. Cuddy stopped analyzing and grabbed two plates down for her and Michel. "Sit…please," she gestured to the barstool and sat down as well, placing donuts on both of their plates.
"Thank you again for this…um… I want to say sorry for the other day. Everything happened so fast, and Dr. House came here unexpectedly…it was a bit uncomfortable I know." Cuddy trailed off, not knowing what else to say.
"So…this Dr. House, he is boyfriend to you?"
"Uh, no…no, not exactly. He is my ex-boyfriend…" Cuddy paused, internally noticing how strange the word 'ex-boyfriend' sounded out loud. It seemed unfitting to what he was to her somehow. "But we do have a long history together."
"I have heard you speak of him, but I think he was only employee."
"That's because I didn't tell you he was anything more than that, I'm sorry. Our history is…complicated."
"I see that…you are in love, yes?"
"Michel-" Cuddy began to speak as the sound of the phone rang through her thought. "I'm sorry, I should get that. I'm expecting a call from my Mother, let me just tell her I will call her back." Cuddy reached out and gently squeezed his hand that was on the counter between than as she got up from the barstool. Thanking whatever fate there was at the interruption so she could collect herself. She sat on her bed and reached for the phone, "Hello Mom."
"Uh…hello my dear." House's voice spoke teasingly back to her through the other end of the phone.
"Hi." Cuddy choked out, shaking her head, his voice was not what she had anticipated.
"Is this a bad time?"
"No, I was just expecting my Mother's voice…she always calls me on…uh, never mind…Hi." She stupidly finished speaking.
"You said that."
"I know. I'm a bit flustered…" She shook her head at herself once again, "Apparently…"
House smiled as he pictured her face, "I can tell."
"Is everything okay?" She changed the subject.
"Yeah, why?"
"Well you called, I wasn't sure if something happened, or…"
"No, I was just calling to call…Wilson suggested it."
"So you're calling because Wilson told you too?"
"What? No… I'm calling because, I thought we could…" She could hear him clear his throat softly, "Look I have no idea what to say here."
"Well at least I'm not the only flustered one." Cuddy teased gently.
"Yeah." He sighed, pausing before he continued, "So…what are you wearing? "
Cuddy smiled, as the tone of his voice dropped to a seductive teasing whisper. She looked down at her outfit, "Uh, I'm in my pajamas still…wish I could do better for you."
"Oh that will do just fine. Please tell me you're wearing the white lacy pajamas."
"How did you know?" For some reason she lied, as she toyed with the buttons of her shirt…his shirt. His smell was mostly gone from it now, but she had put it on both nights since she last saw his face. It instantly had made her feel comforted and not alone.
House could tell she was lying as he mentally pictured her wearing his shirt, but he let it go. "You sound like you're feeling better."
"I am…you?"
"Well besides an extreme case of jet lag I'm doing okay."
"You must have jet lag. I know it's very late there. Where are you?"
"Sitting behind your old desk." House admitted freely.
"Let me guess…you're stuck there late because of a case, so you broke into the office again?"
"Oh you know me well."
Cuddy smiled, "That I do. " She replied easily. A huge part of her was wishing she was there with him instead, back in the States, back to her old life…
They were quiet for a few moments, before House cut in, finally finding his courage, "I called because I hate being back here without you, and I thought that if I heard your voice…well, that it might help-or make things much worse. It's Wilson's advice I'm taking here, so-"
"-It could go horribly awry." she finished his thought
"Pretty much."
"So which is it then? Better or worse?"
"Well right now I'm feeling much better…" he answered her with a smile on his face. "When we hang up…I don't know."
"If it helps…right now I'm feeling much better too." She leaned back against her bed, with a smile on her face as well, completely lost in his voice…
"Lisa, I am sorry, Rachel wants more uh donut, is okay?" Dr. Barret's voice shattered her trance and brought her right back to reality. She had forgotten he was even in her home. She quickly covered the ear piece, in a feeble attempt to not allow House to become aware of who was with her…but she knew it was too late. "Uh, yes its fine. I will be right out." She responded fast as he nodded and left.
House had heard him as soon as he spoke, dumbfounded as to why the hell the man would be at Cuddy's home so early in the morning…but he already could guess the answer to that question, and his blood began to boil. He could hear her fumble with the phone until he heard her breath again.
"House, I-"
"You have company." His cold voice sounded back, finishing her thought.
"Yes."
"Sounded remarkably familiar."
"Yes, it's who you think, but I didn't know he was-"
"Great, well I will let you get back to your company."
"House wait, please." House's fury was immediately apparent as Cuddy scrambled to soothe the tension. She hurriedly got up and shut her bedroom door closed so she could have some privacy to explain. "I know this seems bad, but it's innocent, he just came by."
House heard her panic, and it infuriated him even more, "Stop placating me and just admit he woke up there."
"I won't because he didn't. We haven't spoken since you saw him. He came by to talk, I owe him at least that."
"Really? What else do you owe him?" House spit back at her.
"House, stop. Don't do this. You're angry over nothing."
"Right, because you and I are not together." It was a statement, not a question.
"I-I know," she choked out. She could hear his voice was so incredibly detached already, "But that doesn't mean that I'm with him either. I just needed more-"
"Time." He finished for her once more.
"Yes…"
"Away from me."
"House, please, that's not what this is about and you know it." She pleaded aimlessly, knowing that she would never convince him otherwise, not when he was in this mood, and especially not over the phone.
"When you said you needed time, I didn't think you meant you needed time to fuck the town doctor."
His harsh words cut into her, just like he had intended, and her eyes welled despite herself as his vehemence and anger washed over her. The worst part was she knew this would happen eventually, he always had the power to break her…instantly.
"There it is." She spoke quietly. "I knew this part of you would come back eventually." She accused as her heart broke once again.
"You're right…so I will let you get back to a man that will hopefully give you what I sure as hell can't." House spoke quietly one last time, subdued sadness replacing the fury in his voice, before Cuddy heard a soft click, as the line went dead.
Her whole body was shaking as she managed to hang up the phone…just like he had. She sat still on the bed, swallowing the tears that were threatening to fall over the horrific turn of events that had taken only minutes to unravel.
He did it again, crushed her…as she unwittingly had crushed him. Confirming her worst thoughts all over again that this was how it was always going to be between them. They made it three days together, but they couldn't get through a simple phone call without fighting, without hurting one another. Always saying the wrong things…
Cuddy's sadness turned immediately into frustrated rage as she shook her head against the urge to throw things across her room, ease her pain somehow. She balled up her fists and crossed to her bedroom door, closing her eyes and taking a huge breath to settle her nerves before she had to deal with Dr. Barret…not knowing if she had it in her to deal with another man, but she had no choice in the matter now.
Finally breathing deep enough to manage to open her eyes back up, she opened the door and made her way down the hall.
Rachel was eating what Cuddy hoped was only donut number two, watching loud cartoons from the couch, and Dr. Barret was washing their dishes in the sink as she approached his side.
"Michel, I'm so sorry to keep you waiting." She managed to somehow find the strength to sound calm.
"It is okay." He dried his hands, and turned fully to her, "You are sad?" He said softly, looking into her face.
"I-" She felt her eyes well once more, "Yes…that was not the phone call I was expecting."
"Is not your Mother." He stated.
"No." She looked down at her hands, trying to not melt in front of a man that she had only known for so brief a time.
"Ah, I see. Is ex-boyfriend?" His eyes searched her for confirmation.
"Yes…we…he…" She stuttered to form a competent sentence, as she felt Michel's hand come up to touch her arm reassuringly.
"Is okay, you do not need to talk…can I help?"
He looked at her with such care; it only made things that much worse. "I don't know if anything will help me." She attempted to weakly smile, pull herself through it. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have accepted when you asked me out, when clearly I have stuff to work through. I didn't mean to lead you on."
"You did not. I could see you were being far away with me…but this Dr. House, he hurt you…why do you not move forward from him?"
Cuddy allowed a tear to escape as Michel's intensely accurate question seeped into her body. "Because I love him…" she swallowed, "And sometimes I hate him."
He nodded, but he didn't take his hand away, instead he brought his free hand up to her face and gently touched her cheek. "Lisa, I see is hard for you, but…" He sighed, "I do care for you. You are more beautiful than any women I have seen with my eyes, and you are kind. It is taking me a long time to think I can find a woman that makes me feel this way. I have been hurt too, just as you, but I have to move forward…and I want to try with you."
Cuddy was stunned by his words; she could feel his breath on her cheek as he leaned in to kiss her where his hand had just been caressing her with such tenderness, her eyes closed to his nearness. His amazingly kind words washing over her as she allowed him to enter her space, to kiss her…
His lips were warm; she could smell his cologne as he softly kissed her mouth with his own. Both sides of her heart were waging war within her, one part wanted him to stop and one part wanted nothing more than to spite House, spite the part of her that would always love him, spite everything that was worn and splintered…
Cuddy brought her hands up and placed them on either side of his waist, bringing him closer to her as she deepened the kiss, the part of her filled with immense anguish was winning, and she wanted nothing more than to feel something even remotely close to what she had with the man that had managed to mangle her heart, over and over again.
She could feel Michel respond, he wanted her, and something about that knowledge was empowering, filling her up with strength, that maybe she could move forward. For once in her amazingly hopeless love life. She could feel his hand gently cup her cheek as his other hand moved his way up her arm until she felt his fingers touch her neck, toying with the collar of her shirt…House's shirt…and just like that, the spell was broken.
Cuddy broke away instantly untangling herself from his embrace with as much grace as she could muster, as her hand flew up to cover her lips. She looked up to him, his expression was mixed with confusion and sadness as the realization hit him before she even spoke, "Michel, I-I can't." She placed her hand on his chest, trying to show that it wasn't him.
He nodded slowly and let his hands fall to his side. "Are you sure of this?" He asked softly, his handsome dark eyes bored into her.
"I have to be…this," she gestured between them, "is too much for me. I'm not ready."
"You cannot move forward…"
"I don't know."
His hand reached out and cupped her cheek once more, lingering there before he spoke softly, "I am sad to hear this…but I know what you are feeling, I know how this feels. I will go." He dropped his hand and gave her one last look before he started to head for the front door.
The tremble in her body subsided only mildly as he moved away from her, she felt sick over hurting him, he didn't deserve anything that she had done to him. "Michel…if things were different, maybe…" she trailed off, not ready to give false hope to a man that deserved much more than she could give.
"It is okay. I will see you tomorrow, yes?" He smiled faintly.
"Yes." Cuddy choked out, the shaking in her voice was too much to mask.
He nodded and turned away, closing the door softly behind him, as Cuddy leaned her body against it, shutting her eyes tightly…trying to just forget everything.
House sat like a statue in the desk chair, staring blankly at the phone that he had been using only minutes before. The beating of his heart was so profoundly strong he felt like it would burst through his chest. Both of his hands were clenched into fists, resting on top of the desk…her desk.
All he could think of was vicodin. It sounded through his head like a bomb exploding; it was the only thing that mattered now…nothing else. He closed his eyes tightly, trying to ignore the urge, fight it with any strength he had left within him, but the image of the doctor and her flashed in his mind so distinctly, and it became too much.
His fists slammed against the desk, his hands moving quickly, picking up the phone and heaving it against the wall. The sound was deafening in the quiet of the night, as he watched it shatter…but it wasn't enough. He grabbed whatever he could find on the desk and threw as hard as he could; breaking everything he came in contact with. His breathing was ragged as he moved across the office towards the bookcase, grabbing the picture of himself and her that had been an inspiration for one of his letters. He paused in his frenzy and ran his finger over the thick metal frame, as the haunting image of once held love stared mockingly back at him. He felt his face burn as the emotions whirled inside him, before he turned and aimed, hurtling it at the window…the glass crumbled loudly as the picture disappeared in the night.
House caught his breath and gazed through the gaping hole in the window. His leg throbbed powerfully, distracting him from his destruction and refocusing his pain to where it belonged…and he knew exactly what could help his leg, he could at least fix that…
He pushed his way out of the office, entering into the empty clinic, as he made his way to the one thing that could help. He approached the locked pharmacy without a plan as to how to break in. He examined the lock, and instantly knew he could break it, it would be so incredibly easy…but something stopped him. He felt his hands shake as he ran his fingers over the flimsy lock, like his body was recoiling at the thought of reverting back, of being sucked back in to a world that swallowed him up for so many years.
He stepped away slowly, leaning his back against the front desk, his eyes never leaving the lock, staying that way for a long time, before he moved. Slowly he averted his eyes, walking carefully around the desk until he saw the phone.
He dialed quickly, not giving himself a chance to stop, to retreat back towards his pills. It rang a few times till he heard the only person that could help.
"You better be dead." Wilson's scratchy voice answered.
"I'm close." House didn't bother masking his pain, his fears…
Wilson sat up in bed, knowing exactly what kind of mood House was in, "What happened?"
"Your advice was bullshit."
"What?"
"And I'm a few minutes away from breaking the pharmacy door down."
"You're at the hospital?"
"Yes!" House shouted; the pain coursed through his body. "I need help."
"I'll be right there, don't move."
House heard the silence from the other end of the phone as he set the receiver down on the desk. He reached for the chair behind him and sat down to wait, his eyes stayed locked on the pharmacy…