Ask the Gruncle

"What's the best way to launder money?" Dipper asked.

"Tide with bleach," Stan said.

"No, seriously," Dipper said. "What's the best way to launder money?"

"I am being serious," Stan replied. "Tide with bleach cleans off both blood and dye packets, provided you remember to use a good stain guard, of course. The real trick is getting the money scotch guarded before the heist."

"Ok," Dipper said slowly. "Not what I meant."

"If you run a bunch of one dollar bills through multiple times, you can wash the ink right off, giving you the perfect paper to make counterfeit hundreds and as any good counterfeiter will tell you, it's the paper that'll make or break an operation. Ask Mabel, she's practically an expert!" Stan said proudly.

"I mean taking money and making it so the government thinks it's yours," Dipper explained.

"Oh, you mean launder money," Gruncle Stan said cheerfully. "You should have said so in the first place."

Dipper groaned.

"Now, laundering money is both easy and complex," Stan said. "Easy because technically, everyone does it."

"What? Seriously?" Dipper asked.

"Seriously," Stan said. "Every yard sale, car wash, bake sale, baseball card trade, hand-me-down clothes, etc... is all taxable by the US Government and by not filling out the proper paperwork you are committing tax fraud and technically laundering money by keeping money you haven't paid the government its cut of, relying on the small amount to slip under the radar."

"That's insane," Dipper said.

Stan shrugged. "That's the government, it's run by a bunch of thieves and crooks. What did you expect?"

"Back on topic," Dipper said.

"You typically launder money by claiming a revenue stream being of greater value than what it is," Stan explained.

Dipper stared at his Gruncle Stan in shock as the casual conman started speaking like a college professor lecturing on his field of study.

"By claiming you are making more money than you in fact are, you can make your illegal or 'Dirty' cash stream appear legal or 'Clean'. You have to pay taxes on it, but that's not the end of the story."

"It's not?" Dipper asked.

"Not remotely," Stan assured him. "Let's say you have an extra thirty grand a month from running an illegal betting parlor. Now you run a business like the Mystery Shack and you can claim half that is part of the take, laundering it. Now that leaves you with an additional 15 grand that's still dirty. What you do is use that fifteen grand and pay things in cash as much as possible. That way there isn't as much of a paper trail and you can claim you spent more than you actually have and get more back in taxes. By making it look like you're losing money, you get a lot more back, but you can't do that forever or it looks suspicious and some stuff leaves a paper trail, like public utilities, so it's best to have high traceable bills on them to back up your statement."

"That's why you never complain about all the hot water and electricity we use," Dipper realized.

"That's right, kid. Family makes the best accomplices," Gruncle Stan said cheerfully.

"I was always taught defrauding the government was wrong," Dipper said with a frown.

"Kid, the government is the biggest scam of all! I could only dream of being a big enough crook to join them. The tax system was put in place to tax businesses and legally that's never changed. Taxing workers without their consent isn't remotely legal, yet the government gets away with it, while business runs the government and avoids paying taxes."

"I don't recall learning that in civics class," Dipper said.

"Who pays for and organizes those classes you attend?" Gruncle Stan asked.

"The government?" Dipper guessed.

"Bingo!" Gruncle Stan agreed. "It's based on the Prussian system, designed to turn out good, obedient citizens."

"So, what do I do?" Dipper asked nervously.

"Nothing you can do, kid," the old man replied. "Play the system as much as possible and ignore the laws when you can get away with it."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Mabel looked up from the large, glittery chart she was making. "Did you get what we needed for our civics project?"

Dipper groaned. "Depends. Do you want a good project or to stay out of Guantanamo Bay?"

Typing by: Ordieth