a/n: Is this appropriate moment to mention I'm actually not writing Emma or Regina or Ruby in character? they are all different sides of myself; Emma Swan is the dorky side of me, Ruby's mannerisms and speech are my own and Regina is the sassy business side of me hahaha whoops. Either way, you guys seem to like them all so I'll keep it up.
This is chapter was a ball to write and it's also the pre-birthday sex chapter so hell yeah.
ALSO THANK YOU ALL FOR THE REVIEWS AND MESSAGES ON TUMBLR. I LEGIT SQUISH MY FACE INTO MY PILLOW WHEN I READ THEM/ REPLY TO THEM.
Enjoy, my lovely dumplings.
Emma xo (ant1ers. tumblr. com)
"Morning,"
An elderly woman who held the prestigious title of 'Granny' glanced up at me as I knocked on the door frame of the school's uniform shop.
"Ms Swan, what can I do for you?" She said it with the same tone someone would use when they're questioning why they were being disturbed by say, a fat slug. It wasn't like she hated me; Granny just hated everyone and especially being interrupted when she was clearly reading the newspaper. I knew this because Mary Margaret had been on the receiving end of one of Granny's outbursts which resulted in the old woman hitting the angelic History teacher upside the head with a rolled up newspaper. Never piss off this old woman.
"Has Henry grown out of his school uniform already?" she flattened the newspaper, licked her thumb and changed the page, scanning the sports section with feign interest.
"Uh no," I scratched the side of my open mouth awkwardly as the woman glanced up at me through wire rimmed glasses.
"No? Well then, is this a social visit?"
"Uh no, not that either,"
"Then why are you here,"
I had to think fast but my brain was clouded by the fumes of mothballs and that weird linen smell you get when you're in the same room as a shit tonne of freshly made uniforms.
"Hen-Henry has lost his jumper; just wondering if it would be in Lost and Found," I eyed the massive wooden crate to my left which had the words 'Lost and Found' spray painted on it in dark green. Granny tipped her head towards it, "go ahead," she lifted her feet up onto the desk and shook the newspaper before lifting it up so it covered her entire wrinkly face. Excellent, this would work a treat. I kneeled down at rummaged through the vast selection of odd socks, school hates, jumpers and lunch boxes. I felt like I needed a pair of rubber gloves when I pulled out some of the stuff.
"Bingo," I whispered under my breath as I yanked a chequered school skirt from the depths of the box.
"So you're not working at the canteen today?" I wasn't sure if small talk was out of the question but the way she dropped her newspaper and glared at me suggested otherwise.
"Clearly," the screaming students outside the building on break just solidified my stupid question.
"Sorry, I just…" I tried to backtrack as I whipped a plastic bag out of the back pocket of my jeans.
"No need for small talk Emma, just get what you need and get out," I know she didn't mean that as harshly as she said it because Lord knows she's got the social skills of a baboon.
I mumbled some apologies and kept pawing through the selection and found a small girl's blouse with a tie attached to it. Hell yeah, this was going to go down a treat with Regina. I took a whiff of it and shit, everything was going to need a serious wash. I stuffed the shirt and skirt into the bag as Granny looked at me suspiciously,
"Did you find it?"
"Yep," I quickly grabbed the first boy jumper I saw and stuck it in the air like a surrender flag to Granny. I was surrendering myself to her bullshit.
"Good, now beat it Swan,"
I made a good rustling noise with the plastic bag so it looked like I stuck the jumper in there, but I slipped it back into the box and made my way out of the room, closing the door behind me.
I crammed all of my stolen goods into the back of my car just as I heard a distinct set of heels head my way. I slammed the door closed as a pair of hands squeezed my hips from behind.
"Morning dear,"
"Jesus," I spun around to see a very tall Regina in a blue dress that had my mouth watering. She kissed me quickly as we were still in the school grounds and didn't want to scar some poor anti-gay student or co-worker.
"Feel free to call me Regina," She smirked as I rolled my eyes.
"Oh ha, very funny Regina," I kissed her forehead as she pouted, "what?"
"I have some bad news dear,"
"What? Let me guess, your birthday's actually tomorrow," I joked but also started shitting myself because if that was the case, I was doomed.
"Sadly, no," oh thank God, "I have a board meeting this afternoon so I won't be able to come out with you,"
"Oh, that's cool," I avoided her gaze for a second. I kind of really wanted her to come because I had no idea what the woman liked in terms of bedroom shenanigans.
"What, just like that? You're okay with it?"
"No not really," I scratched the back of my neck, "but I get it; work over love, that's cool,"
Regina frowned at me, "stop it dear, you're making me feel bad,"
"Yeah well, you should because…" I trailed off as I tried to figure out what to say, "don't worry; just forget about it, yeah?"
"It won't happen again, I promise," She kissed me on the cheek and squeezed my hand.
"I was just going to go birthday shopping with you because I don't know what you like or what you want or whatever, like, I don't know what extent you want to go to or what you want to do or,"
Regina shut me up with a kiss, "stop stressing dear; just get what you want, I'll work with it, trust me,"
"Ugh, fuck, alright," I rolled my eyes as Regina peppered kisses all over my face and I mean literally, everywhere; to my eyelids, to the bridge of my nose, to my chin, everywhere. "Leather bondage anyone?" I joked as Regina hummed happily in my arms,
"Ooh, sounds delightful Ms Swan,"
Oh no.
"Don't say that because I'll consider it," I landed a kiss on her hairline and bit her forehead softly.
"Why are you biting me?" Regina huffed, "honestly, can we keep it contained for Friday,"
"No," I stuck my tongue out and squished it against her skin, "no, I cannot,"
"You are a child," Regina pulled away and wiped her forehead with her sleeve, "now go and be an actual teacher Ms Swan because if I remember correctly you have History this afternoon,"
"Gross," I scrunched my nose up at the mention of the class from Hell. She smiled,
"Have a good afternoon darling and I'll see you soon,"
"Yeah, yeah," I left Regina standing by my car as I headed back up towards Mary Margaret's classroom.
So the original plan of taking Regina with me when I went shopping for her birthday had failed…epically. I cringed the moment I stepped into Ruby's empty classroom as she redecorated and offered, well awkwardly muttered, if she'd like to join me in my shopping trip this afternoon. She practically threw herself across the room and jumped up and down like Henry did when he and Regina came back with ice cream ingredients.
"I'm so fucking happy we got paid today, ugh," Ruby slammed her head back into the headrest of my bug as we took off after school down the main road towards the massive shopping centre on the other side of town.
"And I can't believe Regina has a board meeting right now…" she opened the glove box and instantly located my small stash of mints. Ruby stuck three in her mouth and popped one into mine as I pulled into the car park, "I mean, damn, bitch has no idea what she's missing out on,"
"Ruby, can you like, not call my girlfriend a bitch? Thanks," I flicked on my left blinker and waited for this old lady to get into her rusty old pickup truck.
"What? You know I mean it affectionately, sheesh,"
"I'm finding that hard to believe," I chimed as the old woman reversed out and I zipped in before this swanky looking red Audi took it.
"Fine, so I'm a little bit jealous that you got the babe Principal," Ruby sighed as she pulled her handbag up into her lap and undid her belt.
"She was there for the taking, for like, seven months," I rebutted as we left the car park and headed into the fucking freezing cold shopping centre.
"Yeah but, it's not the same,"
"Why because I have her now, you want her?" I smirked as we bee-lined for the clothing store.
"Obviously,"
"Now, you sure you don't want to visit the sex shop?"
"Positive,"
"…sure?"
"Yes Ruby, I'm sure,"
"But like, are you sure, sure or just, like, semi-sure,"
"Shut up Ruby and take me to the dollar store,"
The Art teacher pulled me into this little dingy shop at the end of the centre, next to a suspicious looking tattoo parlour. It stuck of incense.
"Ah my favourite shop," Ruby sniffed and tottered down the smelly candle aisle to find the source of the sandalwood, "and my favourite aisle!" she picked up a box of incense sticks and shoved it under her nose, "mm, incense,"
I snorted and took this moment to try and locate the pets section of this crappy little store. I fought my way through shoddy-made plastic water pistols and stupid birthday party getups to find a nice broad selection of dog bowls, chew toys, and finally, collars and leashes. Somehow Ruby had beaten me to the back wall where all of this was, and she was already flicking through a selection of pink patterned collars.
"I'm not really feeling pink," I scrunched up my nose as Ruby held up different designs to my throat.
"No? Well there's green…blue…" She looked up and down the wall with her mouth slightly agape, "I see orange or purple or yellow? Do you do yellow…"
I spotted exactly what I was looking for. I took it off the wall and Ruby's mouth fell open even wider.
"Really, like, really-really?"
"Yeah man, why not?" I admired the thick black leather studded collar suitable for a man-eating Mastiff, "it'll be a nice juxtaposition to innocent school girl don't you think?"
Ruby furrowed her eyebrows as she plucked the collar from my hands, running her knuckles over the blunt studs.
"Actually, yeah; it'd be good…oh! I have an idea," She held up her finger and disappeared, leaving me alone to select an appropriate leash.
Ruby returned holding one of those little tags you stick on collars for your pets. She dangled the little purple metallic heart between her fingers and smirked.
"What am I supposed to do with that?"
"Get the word 'Regina's' cut into it; it'll send you banging hot girlfriend over the edge with her weird obsession with ownership,"
I couldn't actually believe I brought Ruby with me shopping; she was going to kill me.
"Will it work, do you think?"
"Of course, Jesus Christ,"
"Okay, fine,"
I picked up a metal linked leash, the killer collar and the little tag, and headed up to the counter to pay.
"Trust me, it'll work a treat," Ruby whispered into my ear as the cashier bagged my stuff.
"Better fucking hope so,"
The moment I got home, Henry declared he was going to Claudia's birthday party.
"Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Ms Lucas isn't really doing it for me anymore, you know?"
"Oh," I dumped my purchases onto my bed as Henry flung himself down onto my mattress, "I see,"
"Yeah I mean, she's too old now and I need someone my age," he lifted his head up and crossed his arms behind it. Oh man, if only Ruby could hear my son right now.
"Someone ripe for the picking aye," I winked at Henry as I stored my dollar store purchases in my wardrobe,
"Exactly; Miss has been out in the fruit bowl for too long now," Jesus Christ, where the hell did he get these analogies from?
"Okay, good. Happy to hear that kid; so what date's the party?"
"This Friday,"
"So you going to stay the night or go home with Tom or?"
Henry eyed me weirdly, "uh no, I was going to come back here,"
"Probably not a good idea; I, uh, am inviting Regina over for dinner,"
"Oh," Henry frowned at the little lie I told him, "I'm sure I can go to Tom's for the night,"
"Yeah, that'd be good. I'll text Ruby for you and let her know, alright?"
"Yep, cool," Henry rolled off the bed and headed out to the lounge room. Shit that was close.
If I was going to pull off Regina's birthday, I'd need no child for 24 hours.
a/n: now y'all better not fall in love with me now that you all know Regina/Emma/Ruby are literally me in three different people... ;) ;) ahaha
xo