I wake up in a bed that is not mine. The sheets smell stale and have a lingering hint of bleach. Hospital. I have no idea how I end up here. I rack my brain for a moment or two before realizing that the last thing I remember is inviting my kohai into my apartment.
"Senpai?" Cat's voice is worried, but somehow relieved, and I recognize it immediately.
"Mmm?" I respond as uncaring as I can. I need to figure out what happened for myself before I will admit that I blacked out.
"Are you okay?" He asks, almost squinting at me to make sure I'm still sitting here. That's a little odd, I'm not quite used to that expression on his face.
"Right as rain," I say cheerily, duly ignoring his concern and the fact that I'm in the hospital.
The door opens just as Cat's mouth does as he's about to ask me something else, probably if I'm truly crazy. He doesn't get to ask it though, someone else interrupts us.
"Hound-taichou, Cat," Sandaime greets, nodding his head to us. Cat bows deeply, I just nod back at him. "If you wouldn't mind leaving us for a moment, Cat, I would like to speak with Hound about what happened."
"Of course, Hokage-sama," Cat bows again as he leaves my bedside, closing the door behind him. Sandaime just stares at me as he puffs on his pipe. I can feel him assessing the situation and I know that he knows that I don't remember what happened. He seems to be deciding whether he should tell me or torture me.
"You had an anxiety attack and passed out, Hound," he states eventually. His eyes harden on mine. I process what he's told me. Right, anxiety, I sometimes forget that I have it. It's only a hindrance when I let people get close to me. As I think about it the memory comes back and I can't hold back a full body shudder. It's one of the most terrifying things in the world, to not remember how to breathe, to feel like your world is collapsing in on itself, to hear rushing in your ears, and most of all to be fully aware that it's your own subconscious doing it. There is no outside threat with anxiety, there's no one I can beat up to get rid of it; that's the truly terrifying part.
Sandaime turns his attention to look out the window as he lets me process this. He has known about my anxiety since it began, especially since I'm ANBU and even more importantly since I'm an ANBU captain, he kind of has to be proactive about it. That doesn't stop me immediately wanting to argue about what I know he's going to say now.
"Do you know why it happened?" He asks, turning his attention back to me.
"I invited Cat to live with me while he finds a new apartment," I say blandly. There's really nothing else that could have caused it. I should have known, really.
"If you want that option to stay open, I need you to go back –"
"I'm NOT going back there again!" I cut him off, purposely throwing emotion in my voice to cover up the desperation I know is in it.
"Then I will tell Cat that you must rescind your offer." He seems sure that will encourage me. I can't give it to him. He doesn't understand just how much I hate it there; it's even worse than the anxiety itself.
"Fine." I say shortly. Sandaime does nothing but gives a drawn out, disappointed sigh.
"Alright, then I guess you're going on the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder roster, no missions for at least a month, your captainship will be temporarily revoked, and you will no longer be considered for active duty to protect your comrades or your village." My eyes flash hard and cold at him. No freaking way he would stoop this low. My captainship is unimportant, but he is NOT taking away my title as a ninja or my ability to protect everything that is so precious to the ones I loved. He pulls his pipe out of his mouth and stares right back at me.
"You wouldn't," I want to shout, but my voice comes out as a whisper as I feel my chest tighten again. The breath I take to try to argue my point won't enter my lungs. I can't make it happen. Damn it! The more I try, the harder it gets, my body gets consumed with nausea, I feel lightheaded, and my consciousness is slipping again. I know he's right. I need to go back.
"Anxiety? Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? What the hell is all of that?" Naruto asked, face puckered in confusion.
"Baka! Don't be so insensitive!" Sakura aimed a punch at Naruto's head. The rest of the group looked thoughtful though, as if they couldn't quite answer Naruto's questions either. Ninja talked about things like techniques and battle strategies, not emotional trauma.
"They are forms of deep emotional trauma," Neji stated, almost emotionless as though he were reciting facts he'd known for years. "Many elite jounin, especially ANBU, experience some form of PTSD, symptoms often take the form of odd character quirks. Genma-san and his senbon, for example. Asuma-sensei and his smoking. Kakashi-sensei and his aloof sarcasm. Gai-sensei and his obsessions. Tsunade-sama and her addictions." He hesitated for a moment, as though he knew he shouldn't say the next part that came to his mind. He couldn't help it though, understanding the psyche of a ninja is one of the most important parts of being a shinobi yourself. He'd come to understand that after his fight with Naruto in the chuunin exams. Shinobi's minds don't work the same as civilians on the surface, but when looking underneath the underneath, they most certainly do. Shinobi are prone to the extremes of emotional and physical trauma. While some are able to completely separate their killing selves from their compassionate selves, there are many others who cannot. Neji has long started to believe that shinobi should not be separating themselves into compartments like that. Shinobi must be at peace within themselves, able to greet Death like an old friend, unafraid of what He might do.
The group seemed to sense that Neji wanted to continue talking, so they stayed patiently silent and waited for him to speak again.
"Sasuke," he said, letting the shock register on his comrades' faces. "Sasuke and his penchant for revenge is another example. He was so deeply wounded emotionally by what happened to his family that he was willing to go to any lengths for revenge. He is a smart shinobi, but there was no logic in his very singular goal. As soon as he began to consider himself friends with us, specifically Naruto, his emotional mind probably warned him instead to go much more intensely to finding and killing Itachi. A sort of fight or flight response. He spent so long wrapped up in one ideal that it was perhaps impossible for him to change his entire being so completely and quickly." Neji stopped again here and sighed a little. His comrades looked shocked, expect for Shikamaru and, surprisingly, Shino. The two were nodding as he spoke, acknowledging that this could indeed be a large part of Sasuke's defection from Konoha.
The group quieted again as they considered this idea and realized again just how much they relied on one another as ninja as well as how difficult it was for many shinobi to accept this close-loving-ness.
"Are you sure about this, Senpai?" Cat asks hesitantly.
"Yes," I sigh. "Come in, get settled, I promise not to pass out again." I hustle around my apartment as if I have something that actually needs to get done. He stands at the doorway watching me curiously, a meager bag over his shoulder presumably full of clothes.
"Not right now maybe, but what about tomorrow?" He continues his questioning.
"It's fine," I say in a much more cool, crisp tone. He looks like he wants to ask more questions, but he seems to accept this. Sandaime had approached him after speaking with me and basically said that he was going to be living with me for a while. He didn't have to add that it was because you heard about the situation and decided it was a perfect opportunity for me. This brings bitter memories back for me and I feel my chest start to tighten again. I breathe in, thinking 1 and out again, thinking 2. I'm fine. It's all fine. Cat is a friend, nothing more and nothing less than a trustworthy comrade who I care for.
"Well then, where shall I put my things?"
"Bedroom is over there," I mutter, absently pointing a finger while I amble to my kitchen to put on a pot of tea. He seems to get the idea that I don't know what to do with myself and he doesn't want to see me floundering, so he goes to the room I point at.
I sigh and lean heavily on my counter when I know I'm out of his view. Of course you and Sandaime decided to make him stay with me anyway. Indefinitely. I'm not happy, this is not fair. Perhaps necessary, but not fair. I focus on my breathing as I try to think of ways to cope with my situation. Yes, I care for Cat more than I've cared for anyone in a long time. Not since my sensei, my teammates, my father, before the war. Thinking of my sensei, I perk my head up, there is someone who was important to him that I should check up on. On my time off I like to know that the boy is safe.
I shove my feet into my sandals and open the window, preparing to jump out. I pause before actually jumping though, I'm missing something. I hear footsteps and remember. So I call to him.
"I'm going out. Don't wait up."