4. Resistance
Is our secret safe tonight?
And are we out of sight,
Or will our world come tumbling down?
Phoebe felt her eyes flutter, her head droop, and her mind clear. It had been a taxing day, to say the least. Her head was buried in the crook between Helga's collar bone and neck. The delicious scent that was Helga enveloped her. Phoebe was twirling Helga's hair around her index finger, and her lips were swollen from kissing. From kissing her girlfriend. It was surreal, even with Muse playing loudly from the stereo.
Her mother and father would be calling her, telling her to come home soon, and Phoebe would do so. As tired as she was, Phoebe would probably skip all the way home. Pure elation.
"Oh," Helga said in a gentle voice. "I'll walk you home. It's almost dark."
"That isn't necessary, Helga. I've done it a million times," Phoebe reminded her, secretly pleased at Helga's doting.
"I want to do that, though. Don't you know anything about basic chivalry?" Helga smiled at the smaller girl she was holding.
"But then you will have to walk back home in the dark. I'll be fine."
"Okay. I would ask if you could stay," Helga trailed off. "But I know it's the school week and I have already distracted you from your homework."
"You distracted me all during seventh period, and I don't see you apologizing for that one." Phoebe murmured into her collarbone.
"Yeah, you were trying so hard not to look at me. And look at where we are now." She laughs and it's Phoebe's favorite sound.
Phoebe continues to lay on Helga, snuggled against her on the couch. Muse is still playing, but it's a slower song now, and she tries to remember every single detail of this moment. The feeling of their bodies so physically close, limbs entangled. The musty basement smell overtaken by the intoxicating scent of Helga's hair. The gentle lull of the stereo. It scares Phoebe, a little, to admit that she never been happier, because she knows it won't last.
X X X X
Phoebe is prepared to fully skip home, but as soon as Helga closes her front door, she sees the last face she was expecting.
"Arnold, lovely evening we're having, isn't it?" Phoebe is starting to ramble, much like she does when she gets nervous.
"Hi, Phoebe," He says dejectedly, not noticing her erratic behavior. "It's okay, I guess. I feel weird not spending it with Helga, though."
Phoebe immediately feels the guilt surge, but then swallows it. She had already decided not to regret this. It would be worth it. Every single emotion was worth the happiness she was finally able to feel. She had to promise herself that much.
"Are you here to talk to her?" Phoebe inquired, trying to have as much curiosity in her voice as possible.
"Yeah, I wanted to apologize for what I did at prom. I know she isn't happy with me, but I think this time I can make it right. We're in love, and people make mistakes, y'know?" Arnold seems so upset, but the fact that he did something at prom that upset Helga, surprises her. Phoebe feels awful, but then again, she knows that as nice as Arnold is, she deserves a chance too, right? So, Phoebe bites her lip and lies.
"I just saw Helga. And I don't think she's up to talking right now."
"Right, well, I was gonna drop by with flowers but the shop was closed...so I guess I'll try tomorrow. With flowers." Arnold saunters off, hands in his pocket. His blue baseball cap is turned to the side.
Phoebe begins walking home, deflated from the way she felt before she saw Arnold. Arnold the golden boy. It seemed to her as if most of the Helga and Arnold relationship lived on the flame of Helga's eternal crush. Half the time, it was like Arnold could do no wrong, and Helga was always the one changing for him. She was always the one apologizing, breaking down, unable to please him, because she was afraid of Arnold leaving.
Those thought had angered Phoebe, even before she had understood her love for Helga extended beyond friendship.
Sure, when they Helga and Arnold were together they were the perfect couple. They were each others' foils. But when it came to understanding each other when it counted—Helga's distant family, Helga's irrational anger that masked her insecurities, Helga's disdain for authority but unwillingness to drink or smoke—it was all way beyond Arnold's comprehension. He didn't get Helga, like Phoebe did. And if anything, that was possibly her only leg up on the golden boy.
X X X X
Phoebe laid down on across her bed, having exiled herself to her room without food. She was too excited and too entrenched in thought to eat.
Life was changing so fast, and Phoebe could barely keep up. She had a girlfriend, now. The thought, as lovely as it was, Phoebe realized had many implications. She wasn't sure if she was ready to handle them. Phoebe knew that Helga wouldn't want to come out, probably not even to their closest friends. But it still meant admitting she was bisexuality for Phoebe. And that Helga was...what? Bi-curious? It was hard to know.
Yet, Phoebe could recognize lust. She heard Helga moan into their kisses as much as she had. Those actions were enjoyed by both parties, and Phoebe had felt Helga's hands wander. A relationship always came with insecurities and worries, but Phoebe was a little saddened to think that it was so different for the sole fact that she was with a girl.
Phoebe knew that her own parents wouldn't mind; her mother's best friend was a gay man! But she was unsure of the reaction that Arnold and Gerald might have...and even scared for what would happen should Bob Pataki find his daughter with a girl.
All of Phoebe's thoughts seemed to float around one particular girl, and she found it was probably better to focus on a different subject for a change. So, Phoebe reviewed her notes on centripetal force. She integrated logarithmic functions. She yawned through an essay regarding the Neutrality Act of 1939. Phoebe felt better with the knowledge and analysis of said knowledge turning the clocks of her mind. She felt stimulated and awake, glad to remember the familiar sense of empowerment that came with comprehension of her subjects.
A knock on the door interrupted the opening of her required school reading.
"Phoebe?"
"Yes, mother?"
"Honey, would you like to talk?" Her mother sounded so unsure of herself, that Phoebe complied.
"Sure, come in." Reba Heyerdahl is dressed for bed. She has on these pajama sweats with a cow pattern, and Phoebe can't help but think it fits the stereotype of Reba being a southern woman and all. It's comforting though, because she has had those pants for as long as Phoebe can remember.
"Sweetie, you haven't been your normal self all weekend. And today you come home late, looking as if you're pondering the creation of the universe."
"The big bang theory?" Phoebe could not hide the confusion from her voice.
"Okay, so probably you were thinking about something deeper than the creation of the universe. I don't know, hon, your father and I have been a little worried. We weren't going to bring it up at dinner, but then you decided not to eat," Reba finishes with a solemn look on her face.
"Oh, it's nothing! Really, mother. I have been helping Helga sort through some...things, I mean she broke up with Arnold, again," Phoebe sighs. Everything she does, goes back to Helga.
"Don't worry yourself into a tizzy about their relationship, honey, it'll work itself out if it's meant to. If not, I'm sure Helga and Arnold will move on. You're all still so young!" Her mother seems relieved that it's nothing more.
"Right, well, I should get ready for bed. Good night, mother," She hugs the older woman, glad that her parents care enough to pick up on Phoebe being off kilter.
"'Night, Pheebs. And be sure to cover up that hickey, tomorrow. Your father will throw a fit if he sees it," Reba chuckles, closing Phoebe's bedroom door behind her.
Phoebe feels absolutely mortified. But strangely, she is also proud of the mark. It is an animalistic way of thinking, but it's as if Helga has proved that Phoebe belongs to her, and her alone.
When Phoebe sleeps, she dreams vividly of being a leopard, fighting Arnold for the affections of Helga. At the end of the dream, Phoebe wins and gets the girl.
A/N: Tell me in a review if you're rooting for Arnold and Helga, or for Helga and Phoebe! Thanks for reading, I'm really enjoying writing this.